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Post by belikejob on Aug 10, 2006 11:33:54 GMT -5
DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!!!! Just wanted to try and yell a little louder then that siren song of temptation inside your head. Hope it works God bless you MrOuch. Thanks for all of the kind words you spread around this board day after day. Be Strong MrOuch! For God, your wife, your family, for us... oh... and yourself too BLJ
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Post by bygodsgrace on Aug 10, 2006 13:22:35 GMT -5
MrOuch, a favorite saying of mine (one I read on someone's shirt) is "champions are made when noone is looking." What we do, what we think, who we are, who we THINK we are all have a bearing on the type of champion we will become.
I am a runner myself and I coach high school track. One thing I stress to my athletes concerns their motivation to be the best that they can be. So when an athlete tells me that they are tired at practice, I simply ask them what they think their competitors do when they are tired? Almost without fail, they perk right back up with a sense of purpose in their training.
My friend, we are in a much different race against a much different opponent---but we have a much better coach in God! May you find the strength, energy, and words of wisdom in the Greatest Coach of all time!! In all the times I have leaned on Him, He still has a perfect record to the devils dismay. May God bless you today as you seek His will for your life.
Brian
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Post by 1Cor10 on Aug 10, 2006 15:52:38 GMT -5
Fatigue is a HUGE trigger for most of us. It's not a trigger by itself, but it muddies up our thinking and causes us to listen to the stupid rationalizations. Go take a nap, go work out, turn off the computer and walk away until you feel better. I'll be praying for you brother.
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 11, 2006 14:10:59 GMT -5
Today is a much better day. Thanks for all the encouragement BLJ, BGG, 1Cor10, trusmylz! It's amazing how a little lack of sleep can screw you up. Been getting by on about 5-6 hours of sleep a night this week, and that's never a good thing. I'm feeling much stronger spiritually now than a few days ago.
Still there is some crazy stuff going through my head these days. I know the things I need to do, and I'm just not doing them! It's not as though I'm deliberately setting out to ignore things. I'm not. It's just that there are a number of projects both at work and home that I'm just not interested in focusing on and doing. At work, it's no problem to find a million and one things I can do to remain productive, so ignoring some things is okay. At home it's different. I have a list of things I'd like to get done, and I can't seem to focus on doing them. I feel like I just need to sit down, take a step back, take a deep breath and focus. I know this is frustrating my wife to no end, but I can't help it. This is usually the time in my life when I start to get despondent and begin to think what's the bother? I just start to muddle along, which leads to one thing which leads to something else, which would somehow lead to pornography.
I think I saw this pattern the other day but didn't quite recognize it for what it was. Now I see that it is the start of a downward spiral that if left unchecked would lead me back down the path to sin. But, I'm not going to go down that path anymore. Been there, done that. Don't want to be in the sequel. So, where do I go to now? I don't know. I've been reading scriptures hoping for something to kick my tail into gear. So, I think I'll try talking to my wife. She's miffed at me at the moment. Our marriage has become a bit anemic. We seem to be treading water. Admittedly our schedule this week has been hectic to say the least. With me getting up at 5 every day to go to work. Kids staying up later than normal. It's 11 before you know it, and we've barely talked. Yet again I'm promising things that I haven't delivered on. Still, I'm pretty lucky to be where I am. I've got great kids, beautiful wife, relationship with God. I've got lots to be thankful for. Even so, something feels unbalanced.
"Mere sorrow, which weeps and sits still, is not repentance. Repentance is sorrow converted into action; into movement toward a new and better life." Marvin R. Vincent
I feel repentant, because there are aspects of my life that have moved forward and made my life better.
“Look at your life and your gifts and resolve to honor your creator by wasting nothing that he has given you.” Monsignor Dennis Clark
These are easy words to read, but I find them hard to live up to today.
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Post by 1Cor10 on Aug 11, 2006 18:25:42 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear that you're in this slump, we've all been there. Fatigue is a killer. If it's possible, try to get in a date with wife this weekend, even a few hours just for a bite to eat. Some quality conversation will go a long, long way. I'm praying for you Bro.
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 12, 2006 12:04:03 GMT -5
Not my words, but something that really fits the bill for me:
There does come a point when we all have to say “e-nough!”
That’s what happened to the prophet Elijah. In a bold facedown, he confronted the evil Queen Jezebel before a huge crowd, and he proved how hollow and phony she and her religion were. He won the debate, but she was furious, and within minutes soldiers were out with orders to kill.
Elijah fled to the desert, wondering if winning was such a good idea: He had no friends, no home, no place to hide, not even food or water. He had no options left, and after running for days he was so tired that he couldn’t even think. “Lord, just let me die,” he said and went to sleep. But when he awakened, food had mysteriously appeared. He ate, slept again, found more food, and discovered he had the strength to make his way to safety - and to begin again.
Elijah’s story should sound familiar, because there’s not one of us who hasn’t been brought low, defeated, and left with what seemed to be empty hands: The fifth grader humiliated and doomed by math; the mom slowly worn down to nothing by kids she loves; the disappointed spouse who can see no hope this side of the grave; the investor who took all the wrong turns till there was nothing left; the executive who lost all the corporate battles till there was nothing left ... and on and on.
We can feel the anguish, some of it our own: “I’m finished,” the voices say, “empty; too tired to lift a pencil; too tired to hope; too tired to cry. Just let me die.”
And what is the Lord’s answer? He doesn’t say, “Be strong!” for he knows when our strength is spent and we are empty. Instead, he says, “Be still; rest with me awhile, and wait. As slow rain fills an empty upturned cup,” he says, “I will fill you, if you hold up your cup, and wait, and be still.”
Be still and wait with him. He will give you what you need to finish your journey.
Monsignor Dennis Clark, Ph.D.
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Post by bygodsgrace on Aug 12, 2006 13:50:06 GMT -5
Funny how God leads you places that you need to be. Your post today is something I needed to hear and be reminded of. Who would have ever thought that "being still" could be so difficult sometimes, heck, it only involves stopping what we are doing to listen. With the "friction of life," you would think that our natural tendency would be to grind to a screeching halt, yet I find myself putting my head down and grinding it out. Good for a running back---bad for a christian (usually)! Thanks for your very astute observation as they prove to come at a timely point in my life! God bless!
Brian
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 14, 2006 11:42:57 GMT -5
This weekend was very difficult. Its rough sailing at home at the moment. Long story short, our vacation for the next week has evaporated and some fiscal mismanagement on my part have limited what can be done. My wife is VERY unhappy and rightfully so. She has not had a vacation at all this year--the kids and I have!!
My confidence is very shaky right now and my willpower is weakened by my lack of quality sleep. Stayed up late last night and very nearly steered my way into some OnDemand soft porn. I read all the titles and plots, reviewed them a time or two, but THANKFULLY never pulled one up. It was close. I knew that if I did, I would be going down the wrong road. But last night, I danced too close to the devil. I was able to step away this time. Next time might be different.
Pornography is just not an option for me. Sure it would be a quick escapism and it promises a refreshing taste to soothe the troubles of the world. But I've tasted from this well before and I know that its water only leaves me thirsting for more. I chose to drink from a different well, one that provides a living water and a road to eternal life. I am ever mindful of this. So I will not give in. I will keep my eyes focused on God and turn and run from temptation. Yesterday, it was hard to do.
Still, I feel lacking somehow. I can't seem to put my finger on it, but there is something in my life that doesn't fit. I am feeling very depressed at the moment and can't seem to motivate myself to do anything. I have a list of things that my wife and I could do with the kids this week that would cost little money, but its not the same as a vacation. I can't even bring myself to show this list to my wife. I don't know why. I can't even seem to talk to my wife. No words are coming out. I don't even know where the words are. I can sit on the floor and play with the kids, I can cook and clean. I can mow the grass and go to the store. I just can't seem to find the energy to talk to my wife. Maybe it's because there is so much pressure built up there. I am afraid it'll all explode. I feel very ...I don't know why I'm not doing the things I need to be doing. It's immensely frustrating. I pray to God for guidance.
Peace
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Post by bygodsgrace on Aug 14, 2006 12:49:21 GMT -5
MrOuch, it sounds like struggle this past weekend was a common theme for many members here. I am sorry about the pitfall with the vacation---I am sure your wife deserves one. One thing that encourages me about your post is your honesty and acknowledgement of fault. It is a wonderful trait to have and can spur you into productive action to change the problem. But also remember, this is an issue to be taken up in prayer. Trying to find the solution by our own strength usually leads to less than desirable results (as evidenced by our membership to this group!) I am a walking testimony to what can be accomplished through prayer. Not that my life is perfect---far from it!! But, I have seen many small miracles happen in the past 2 months---honestly, beyond my wildest dreams. All accomplished through sincere prayer and God's mercy on me. MrOuch, God wants you to have a productive and loving relationship with your wife--He commands it. Now, He also knows that you are going to make mistakes as you feel that you have. How you react now is a testimony on how BIG your God is. If you truly believe He can help you fix your marriage, your finances, your family life, your career (all of which He can!), you must earnestly invite Him into those areas of your life! It is not a question of whether He wants to help you, it becomes a question of whether you want Him to help you. Give it to Him in prayer, read your bible for your answer (may not come right away, but it will come!), and follow through on what God reveals to you (even if it is not the answer that you wanted!)
Following Jesus (taking up our crosses) is not an easy thing to do, but it guarantees a changed way of life for the better. If we allow His guidance into every area of our lives--He will bless us in ways that we cannot imagine. That includes better money handling, better relationships with our family, better work ethics in our job/career, better overall character in all areas of our life, and on and on and on!
Brother, my prayers are with you (especially today). I have been in your position--and continue to get there still from time to time. But God offers us solutions if we sincerely seek them. We may not like the solutions, but we well be blessed by them in His time. My prayers that you submit to Gods will for your life, no matter how difficult it may seem. That you seek His strength and love so that you may learn how to reflect that in your own life! God bless!
Brian
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Post by witness on Aug 14, 2006 13:12:12 GMT -5
I just read through your journal. You have come a long way. Don't stop now!
We all face rough times. It will get better. Don't get careless. Do the little things right and try to get help wherever you can.
I saw you like to read the Bible. Here is a suggestion. Read one of the four gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke or John. Go chapter by chapter and as you read ask yourself these three questions: 1. Who is Jesus? (not what you heard but what the book says) 2. Why did Jesus come to earth? 3. What does Jesus want me to do?
May God bless you!
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 15, 2006 0:02:16 GMT -5
Thanks BGG, witness. It's been a tough day. Trying to find a way through it all. I believe the way is through reading and reflecting on God's word.
I saw a very attractive girl at the Gelati store tonight. It was very difficult not to objectify her. I kept hearing "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl." Job 31:1. But it wasn't easy. I'm not interested in pornography or masturbation tonight in the slightest, so I guess that wave is passing now.
Tensions in the home still run high right now. I need to see my counselor, but scheduling difficulties will delay that meeting until September. So, I will slog it out until then. This board is one of the few things that is working well for me these days. Thanks to all of you who have given me encouragement, either through advice, prayers or just positive thoughts. It has helped me carry this heavy burden lately.
Peace
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Post by jamais on Aug 15, 2006 0:21:03 GMT -5
Re: "In our culture, titillating images are everywhere. Advertisers use soft porn to sell their wares daily." -- from your first post. I don't know if this has been mentioned elsewhere, but the good news about this is that as we progress upon the way of truth, we are less and less vulnerable to these kinds of influences. As long as we persevere, that is. Of course some factor could come along and make us lapse, and land us where we were. But these stimuli in themselves become easier to avert or ignore, less appealing, and less of a practical harm along the path.
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Post by jamais on Aug 15, 2006 0:23:24 GMT -5
Re: "But I've tasted from this well before and I know that its water only leaves me thirsting for more." -- from one of your recent posts: I think pornography must be like salt water. It's not a true satisfaction. By contrast, when we taste the love of God for us, we do want more of that! Amen. We are thirsts for God. Our hearts are restless until they rest in Him.
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Post by anthony288 on Aug 15, 2006 0:47:32 GMT -5
weren't the words of Jesus to the adulterer woman at the well somthing like "he who drinks from me will never thirst again" ....?
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Post by jamais on Aug 15, 2006 16:33:03 GMT -5
Sure, Anthony. But our movement is continuous. We move forward toward God, or we slide backward away from God. In other words, it's not a craving thirst of desperation and loneliness, but a desire to know and love God ever more deeply.
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