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Post by MrOuch on Jun 12, 2006 12:56:54 GMT -5
I am a newbie at this. Making a journal seemed like a good place to start, so I'll start and the ending first and work backwards.
I am the one who got caught. Third time now. What a @#$% dope I am. Not because I forgot to close the last explorer window before she came into the room, but because I didn't learn soon enough what it means to be addicted. Sure after the first time, I promised not to do it again (but I really didn't see all that much harm in it). The second time was tough but I talked her into going to a couple’s therapy weekend, and that seemed to work well-- 2 years clean until 3 months ago. I don't know exactly how it all started, but I fell back in the hole I was digging and couldn't get out. Then...blammo! I got caught. In an instant, I saw everything all too clearly and too late. I saw my beautiful wife and 3 gorgeous children vanish.
I've had a lot of time to sit and think about it now. After the second time she told me that if it ever happened again we would be finished. And despite that warning, I faltered. In baseball you also get 3 strikes before you're out, but at least you get another at bat. Now that's all I'm hoping for.
I guess I never realized how deep a hole I was in until I hit bottom (at least I hope this is bottom). I promised to love, honor and cherish my wife, and I thought I had. Okay, so I haven't fixed that loose flashing, and the dining room needs painting, and the bathroom is dated. But, I take time off when the kids are sick, I meet them at the bus everyday, and I make a passable dinner with at least two vegetables. I'm not Mr. Perfect, but I'm not an ogre either. So, who am I? I am Mr. Day-Late-Dollar-Short. You see that first time I got caught, I was in denial. I didn't see the harm in what I was doing. It didn't seem to hurt anybody, until my wife found out. She was appalled and life was difficult for a while. We worked our way through that somehow and everything seemed to be good. Sure I was a good clean surfer most of the time, but every now and then I would binge, then clean up my act for a few months, then binge again, then clean up, etc. until I got caught the second time. That was tough.
It was right before Christmas 2003. It took several months of hard work on both our parts and soul searching on my wife's part to move beyond that crisis. That was it for me. I was clean. I started to realize that maybe I did have an addiction to internet porn. Certainly the binging and purging seemed to match that of an alcoholic. I figured if I did have an addiction, all I had to do was just look the other way. You know, just put it aside, ignore it and it would go away. I would be fine. It was as if I looked into the distance, and I saw a tiger waiting for me at the end of the road, ready to devour me if I continued. And I thought, “I can handle this. I’ll just turn away and I’ll be fine.” So I set out to avoid it at all costs. And I did. But that tiger wasn’t just sitting there waiting for me; it was creeping up on me.
I was fine for over 2 years. But the funny thing is that although I had put porn aside, it didn't just stop existing. In our culture, titillating images are everywhere. Advertisers use soft porn to sell their wares daily. That's what I meant, when I said I'm not sure how it started. It might have been in a fitness magazine, or a TV show, or a movie. But I sensed something, and I knew it was wrong, and like watching a train wreck, I couldn't stop. First it was just a stupid erotic game. I realized this was wrong, so I stopped it and was clean for at least a month. Then it was watching a few movie clips online. Then I said no more and I purged everything and was clean for 2-3 weeks. Then work got hectic (no insane), I was having a hard time getting customer satisfaction with a repair on the house, my wife and I were having a bit of a rough time, the kids were going non-stop with baseball, hockey, music, etc. And in a moment of insanity, I resorted to an old standby. Something I could control. There really wasn't much auto-erotica in it, just the control issue. I could turn it on or off when I needed.
The thing is, I was fooling myself. I wasn't the one in control--it was. I never saw it coming until this hit me in the bottom of my hole. It was in control of me all along. I never would be in control until I did something about it. Not the "honey lets talk to someone and work this out" kind of help, but a 12-step program with a support network. And that's where I am today.
Everyday I wake up and pray for 24 hours of being free of lust. It still sounds a little corny at times, but that's what it is. My sin is the sin of lust. In today's society, it doesn't carry the same jail time as murder or insider trading, but it doesn't matter. It's still wrong. On our wedding day, I promised to be faithful to my wife. I swore to myself that I would never touch another woman other than my wife, and I never have. But in essence, I cheated on her vicariously.
She won't talk to me now except to say that H needs to go to the doctor, or J has a game at 6, or K has scouts on Tuesday. And I can't promise her that this time it will be different (she's heard that tired line before). But I KNOW this time it will be different. Whether I like it or not, my old life has come to an end. I know now that if I continue on my old course I have absolutely no chance of ever regaining a semblance of my family. I keep thinking why did this happen? Why wasn’t I smart enough to see this coming? The answer is, there were warning signs all along, and I didn’t take them seriously enough. I thought I could handle it. I didn’t need any help. I’d be fine. So, God called me out with a fast one on the inside corner of the plate. There I was, finally sitting up and taking notice. I don’t know if I ever would have taken this issue as seriously without this kind of wakeup call. Believe me, I am awake now. I am only beginning to understand the kind of pain and anguish my actions have caused my wife and family. I see it when my wife bristles in my presence, and I see it in my children’s faces when they ask me when I’m coming home, and I feel a tremendous sadness inside when I can’t explain to them what has happened between mom and dad—they’re too young to understand.
It has been a daily struggle since then, but I am getting through it now. I have a conviction like I’ve never had before, and I am gaining a certain level of peace now with the whole thing. I wrote down 30 reasons why I will never act out again. I keep them with me all the time now, and I read them several times a day. It makes me sad to do this, and it also makes me all the more determined to keep myself clean and sober. Yes, it will be different this time, but for all the right reasons. Maybe some day my wife will give me another chance (I pray this daily) but whether she does or doesn't I will never again be that other man who got called out on the third strike.
"It's easy to be religious when the floodwaters are rising. The hard part is to be religious on sunny days."
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 13, 2006 9:15:43 GMT -5
Well, today dawns a bit brighter. Last night my wife and I actually spoke in civil tones. It was late and I just come back from the grocery store but there was definitely a glimmer of hope in her words. There was also much anger in what she said and her feeling of having been betrayed was hung heavy in the air.
I had gone to a SA meeting earlier in the evening. It was a small affair, only 4 others and myself. I still find it hard to believe that these normal looking people are haunted by the same demons that lurk in the recesses of my consciousness. We read about lust and everyone seemed to find a connection with it somehow.
I had a hard time at my first meeting trying to connect with the people who came to the meeting. Yes they all seemed to be searching for some sort of help. But these were people with big problems. I had a little problem. I sat there and listened to their stories and thought to myself "I can't wait to get out of this freak show." When the meeting was over, I purchased a white book and politely excused myself. I sat in my hotel room later and read some of this book and thought.
It began to dawn on me that maybe I wasn't so different from these others after all. Maybe they manifest their issues in ways that are different than mine, but it all just boils down to a problem with lust and how we deal with it. It's a daily struggle with me now to keep this at bay. Right now I am winning. Still I am going to meetings and trying to figure it all out.
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Post by gpb on Jun 13, 2006 10:14:42 GMT -5
Hello, MO;
I made that mistake too at my first meeting -- thinking that my stuff was "minor" compared to what others were going through. But I learned in due course not to compare myself with others. For me, that led to a false pride and the stroking of my own empty ego. I got sicker -- not better -- because I could not allow myself to empathize with my sister and brother addicts. I had to learn the hard way that my own addiction was pretty serious and that I was on the point of death. Identifying with other people saved my life in 2001 -- that allowed them to enter into my life in meaningful ways that pulled me back from the brink of despair and suicidal inclinations. And also allowing myself to enter into their lives in appropriate emotionally-intimate ways led to mutually-beneficial relationships that have sustained me these past five years.
Just a thought, MO. Please take good care today. In the end, I've been taught, it all comes down to one day at a time for any of us here, no matter if our individual sobrieties are measured in hours or days or weeks or months or years oven decades -- that proverbial "first drink" can kill any of us. We addicts are all in the same boat. Let's stay sober, just for today.
Grace and peace,
Guy
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Post by theunforgiven on Jun 13, 2006 10:23:54 GMT -5
Hey,
Even given the comparative difference between us in age and situation I see a lot of my story in yours.
Count me in to your cheering section, I believe in you,
Good luck my friend, you're in the right place and you're on the right track. No looking back now, y'hear?
:-)
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 14, 2006 7:34:24 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement. I have found there are many out there who struggle as I do, and it's nice to know that others are pulling for me. It took me a lifetime to get to where I am, and I don't expect to fix all of my ailments overnight. In fact I may never "fix" them, but I know I can handle them if I come to an understanding of who I am.
So how did it all begin? I remember finding pornographic pictures in my grandfathers truck when I was a kid and being fascinated by them. I bought Playboy and Penthouse when I was in college and thought they were great too. Even in my post college days I dabbled in pornographic magazines from time to time. When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I bought a few magazines. She discovered them and was hurt and angry. I threw them out, and I have never purchased anything like that again.
I have come to realize that I am what is considered a periodic addict. I can go great stretches without the least desire for anything untoward. Then all it takes is a momentary lapse in judgment and I am on a binge. I can recall thinking of it as getting a "fix" just like a junkie. So I would go for a week or two, maybe just a day or two, then the shame of it all would hit me and I would purge all the movies I had downloaded and delete any possible tracks that would lead someone to my evidence. I got pretty savvy at this. So much so that I even did it a time or two at work and hid my tracks. Pretty clever, eh. But somewhere deep inside me I knew this was wrong and I had to stop.
Still knowing that I had to stop and actually stopping are two different things. So for years, I would binge and purge, etc. until the last time I was caught by my wife. Oh that was painful. I purged everything and was clean for over 2 years. Then I thought I could be slick again and I didn't have any support system in place to convince me otherwise. I backslid. Getting caught this last time may be extremely painful at the moment, but I also know it has saved my life.
Alcoholics who never reform suffer a slow, self-inflicted death. I was doing the same. Maybe not in the sense that my body was dieing, but in terms of my soul and who I was--yes it was a slow death spiral that I was on. Now I have a newfound faith in both God and myself and the support system I am building.
Thanks for all your prayers, you are all in mine.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 15, 2006 9:04:37 GMT -5
Today I'm going to an SA meeting that is essentially right around the corner. It was easy to go to meetings that required me to drive for 30 or more minutes. The chances of me bumping into neighbors was pretty slim. One of my employees lives 3 blocks from the site of today's meeting, but I'm going anyway. I need to work on me more than I need to be worried about what someone might say.
My wife agreed to go to a counselor with me this coming Monday. We'll see how that goes. It's been 22 days now sober. I still feel the old lust demon crawling around in there somewhere, but I know I can handle it. I pray for the strength to continue this and for anyone else out there struggling as I do.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 16, 2006 9:43:29 GMT -5
The best laid plans of mice and men...
Didn't get to go to the meeting last night. Instead, I gladly took the kids to b-day party, swimming practice, hockey game. Didn't get home until after meeting was over.
Wife got home shortly after I did and informed me that she did not want me to go with her on Monday after all. She told me she was through with all of this and wanted me out of her life. Ouch. Her quote was something along the lines of "I've wasted 12 years of my life already." I told her that it took me a lifetime to get to the sorry state that I'm in, but that I had taken the first steps towards making my life something that she, the kids and I could be proud of. "Just more words," she said.
And she was right. It was just more words. The same ones I had spoken before. I couldn't explain to her the difference this time was that I have a conviction behind them that I've never felt before. The only way I can convince her of this is to live my conviction and to show her through consistency that my change is permanent. Through the grace of God, it will be. Sober 23 days now and counting. So I left and gave her the space she needs right now. I wanted to call her up afterward and tell her that I wasn't going to give up on our marriage, and that I wasn't going to give up on her or our family. But I knew better. This is not the time to badger her. I just need to let her go.
So today is a tough day. I don't have the slightest inclination towards anything right now. I read my bible this morning. I have sown the seeds of discontent in my marriage and now I am afraid I will reap a harvest of sorrow. I want so desparately to correct this. I want to pull the weeds from the field and allow the goodness of the garden to flourish. I know it is there, I just have to nurture it.
Today, I just want to make it through the end of the day intact. I know that on Monday I will see the kids again, and that gives me hope.
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step1
Full Member
Make it positive!
Posts: 155
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Post by step1 on Jun 16, 2006 17:59:46 GMT -5
Powerful story mrouch,
Thank you for sharing with others too. I have not reached that point where my SO and I are separated, but I am now ever more aware that I was clearly on this same path as you, and hopefully, I can avoid at least some of the consequences that you are now dealing with. I have already brought a heavy load of consequences, but most of mine are not out in the open. They are still rather well hidden. I am working on recovery, and I pray that I can make it happen. I wish you all the strength in your efforts.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 17, 2006 14:17:35 GMT -5
step1,
Thanks for the kind words. I wish you well on your way to purity. I have started on the journey and have a way to go yet, but I am finally on the road. I am tired of not being the man that I know I can be. It took me falling so far and so hard to realize all the great things that God had given me in my life. In some ways, getting caught that third time was a blessing. I am better able to see that now. It's still pretty painful at times to be where I am, but I know that this is only temporary. I now know that good things are in my future.
I look back on my life so far and I realize the best thing that ever happened to me has been my wife. She is an amazingly talented, beautiful and loving person. She is strong of character. She is dedicated to her family and friends. She is considerate and giving. She has been a rock for me to count on. She is in effect everything I could have ever wanted in a spouse. I will never lose sight of this fact. It is this knowledge now that drives me.
One is for sure, I can't do anything for my marriage until I do something for myself. I am reminded of Mt 7:5 "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." I am unable to help others until I help myself first. And my first step is to end the P surfing.
You know, of all the things I need to change, that will probably be the easiest to do. I don't know that P was ever anything more than escapism for me. It was a way I could ignore the flaws that held me back. It was a siren that called out from the ether to distract me from dealing with my own personal demons. 24 days pure now and counting. I have no inclination whatsoever to find P. In addition, I now have a daily routine that I have been doing for 21 days (and Stephen Covey says that makes it a habit!). This routine reminds me of why I will never go down that path again. Each day after praying and reading the bible, I recite these 30 reasons that I will remain pure:
1. Because it hurts my family. 2. Because it hurts my relationship with God. 3. Because my children would be embarrassed and ashamed of me. 4. Because my wife asked me to stop and I will. 5. Because my reputation would be ruined. 6. Because it is a sin. 7. Because it objectifies women and a loving act. 8. Because I want to stay in my family. 9. Because my peers would scorn me. 10. Because I don’t want to see my children every other weekend. 11. Because I don’t ever want my life to sink any lower than it already has. 12. Because I don’t ever want to cause my wife this much hurt ever again. 13. Because it is wrong. 14. Because I never want to feel this deep shame again. 15. Because I don’t ever want sin to have such a hold over me again. 16. Because I don’t want to fall short of my potential anymore. 17. Because I want my children to be proud of me. 18. Because someday I want my wife to respect me again. 19. Because I want to be a light that shines freely (and not under a basket). 20. Because I don’t want to make those I love sad. 21. Because I don’t want my kids to be sick without me there to comfort them. 22. Because I don’t want to miss birthdays and Christmas. 23. Because I don’t want to sleep alone in motels or anyplace else I can find. 24. Because I don’t want to be lost from God. 25. Because I don’t want to drive away from my children every night. 26. Because I wan to have lasting peace within me and not be tormented by lust. 27. Because I know that remaining pure is the best way to ever win back my family. 28. Because I can choose not to. 29. Because God loves me. 30. Because it is selfish and self-centered.
These 30 things are my constant reminder of the important things in my life. I will never forget them.
Went in to work today to catch up on a few things. I have let some of my responsibilities slide as of late, but now I am caught up on most of them. It seems that I do a much better job of running my carreer than my life.
My wife deserves better than the man I have become. My wife deserves nothing less than the man I should be. I have not been there for my wife when she needed me. Even when I wasn't involved in P, I was still a self-absorbed piece of crap. When I was younger and we were courting, I was ambitious and energetic and goal-oriented and I tried to please her. I can't remember the last time I was any of those things. Instead, I have become selfish, self-serving and myopic. I know that the P thing had been a terrible episode in our marriage, but it is not the only issue.
I sometimes feel like the servant in Mt 25: 24-25 who hid his talents when the master was away and therefore had nothing to enrich his life when the master returned. I have great potential that I have just not lived up to. The time for this has come to an end. I will become the man that I can be. I will become someone my children and my wife will be proud of. Of course, my kids think I am a great dad, because they don't know any better. I have not always been there for them either. Sure I go to all their activities, but I am not always as active a participant in their lives as I should be. I take the easy way all too often. In order to overcome this, I need to do a little more plank taking out of my own eye first. But that is for another day.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 20, 2006 11:52:08 GMT -5
What a crazy weekend. Crazy in that if you would have asked me if any of this would have happened, I would have said you were crazy. The long and short of it is that I am back at home now. On Saturday my wife asked me if I would come over for dinner and to talk.
After I got the kids to bed we had a real conversation and I listened to her in a way that I haven't listened in a long time. That night I slept on the couch and couldn't have been happier. In the night my little boy found his way downstairs and snuggled next to me. I remember thinking to myself "This is great, things will be back to normal in no time." Then I had this anxiety pang as I realized that "back to normal" was not a good thing. "Normal" sucked. Life prior to all of this was unfulfilling. Is that what I was going to allow my life to become?
The answer was "no." I see my life as having ended when my wife caught me for the third time. Since my life at that moment was over, my choice was either to accept it and live with the loss, or to reinvent myself as the person I know I can be. I have chosen the latter. I am finding a new faith in God that I've never felt before. I am trying to remain focussed on all the things in this world that are important to me. I am trying to put aside all the things in this world that are unimportant to me.
The porn thing falls into the uniportant category. Call it escapism, call it addiction, call it whatever you want, it is something that I am dealing with now by bringing it out into the open, and not hiding it away in the dark. I have confessed to my wife and a friend whom I trust and I feel so relieved in doing this. I am by no means now immune to porn, but I am now aware of its insidious temptations. Just yesterday, some images began to creep back into my head. I focussed on my family and my faith and turned away from this siren song. I know now that if I continue to think this way, I will be able to overcome this issue.
So today dawns a bit brighter. I feel good about the world and my place in it. I have much to do yet in order to get to where I want to be, but I know that I have just taken the first steps on what will be a long and glorious journey. Thank you for all of your prayers.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 22, 2006 16:05:49 GMT -5
Still feeling good about everything. 29 days of purity so far and counting. Wish me well. I pray for God's guidance and I pray for Him to help us all as we struggle to overcome lust's temptations.
Wife and I are to start therapy together next week. I am looking forward to this. I am beginning to realize that the porn was a symptom of a larger issue. With all of the confusion and hubbub of raising three kids, two careers and a multitude of obligations, one thing that got lost in all of this has been the team that my wife and I are supposed to be.
We hadn't talked to each other in such a long time. She used to be my best friend and now she had become just another chauffeur like I was. We communicated with each other, but only to talk about who needed to be where and when. The last 5 days we have communicated on such a deep and meaningful level, that it seems that I am meeting someone new. I am so happy to reacquaint myself with my wife, and I thank God for all of this.
You see last Saturday I was the last person to go into the confessional. I told the priest of my latest sins of the week. Somewhere during our conversation through the screen the priest realized who it was and we began talking about my situation and being out of the house and the struggle I was having. I also told the priest that I know that my wife and kids were struggling with the repercussions of all of this too and that I worried about them. My priest said that he would pray for us all. I left feeling better about my circumstances.
After my penance when I got back to my car, I found I had just a missed a phone call from my wife. I called her back and she invited me to dinner with the kids and to talk afterward. We made some tremendous progress toward a common ground to deal with our issues. She invited me to spend the night on the couch.
I asked her why she had called and she said she hadn't intended to call me at all, but that something moved her for some reason. I think it was the prayer. I think God has acted in my life and I am so appreciative for it. I know that my marriage has a long way to go, but I feel that I am building a strong foundation to support it. I also know that I can resist the temptation of lust with God's help and guidance.
I pray that we all can. It was easy finding religion when the floodwaters were threatening me, now I pray that I keep my faith in God and His way, now that the flood seems to be abating and the waters receding. God help me keep your light now that the storm has passed.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 23, 2006 21:17:42 GMT -5
A good day today. 30 days pure and counting. I feel very good and have no interest in pornography.
Got a busy weekend coming up and I know I will come face to face with temptations, but I don't fear them. I have reached the 30 day test and I think I have passed. Thank you God.
God bless you all.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 26, 2006 10:58:34 GMT -5
Been a busy weekend and I didn't get a chance to do this, but here goes. Still feeling good about where I am now.
Had a talk with my wife on the way down to a surprise bday party for a friend. We got into the whole porn issue (in a civilized way) and I think it took her a little off guard. She is still having some issues trying to deal with it. I still hurt knowing that I was the villain in all of this and caused her to feel this hurt. We still have some work to do there, but I am feeling confident that I am finally on the right track.
Had a test yesterday in, of all places, church. We sat behind an attractive young woman and as much as I wanted to look, I kept my eyes averted and prayed and was able to resist the temptation of a stolen glance. 33 days clean and God willing I will make it 34 tomorrow.
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Post by MrOuch on Jun 28, 2006 12:08:48 GMT -5
Been absent a few days, but still living in a good place. Today makes 35 days and counting. I still find it a little distracting to want to take a second look at an attractive woman. But I'm also amazed at how easy it is to say "no" in my head and then to not do it. Making it this far has been a difficult struggle at times, but its also been smooth sailing at times. All in all, with God's help I think I can easily make 60 days. Wish me well. I'm praying for us all.
I have been trying to live a good Christian life and I find that I have less and less in common with my old friends. I don't want to listen to their prejudices and complaints and back biting anymore. Often times I find myself remaining silent or walking away when conversations turn toward gossip and innuendo. I just don't have a place for that in my life anymore. I am hoping that maybe with God's help, I can lead by example and turn them onto a different path. It's hard though and I don't want to alienate them, but I'm changing, and I'm just not the person I once used to be.
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Post by witness on Jun 30, 2006 7:35:00 GMT -5
Just thought I'd let you know that I feel for you and pray that you can put your marriage back together.
I really liked your 30 reasons to remain pure.
There is a great purity course that is totally free of charge at Setting Captives Free. I really liked it and I imagine you would too.
Blessings!
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