Ouch!: My Journal

[dj2005]

hey mrouch-
i just read your entire journal and it really hit me hard. as a husband and father of 2, my wife doesn't know about my addiction. i can't imagine how hard it would be for her to find out, and the thought of losing my family to this addiction is intensely frightening to me. while my past actions may have suggested otherwise, nothing is more important to me than my family.

thank you for sharing your story. i wish you the best in your efforts to bring your family together in a way that is stronger than ever before. keep up the deep soul searching and the consistent daily work. it;s great to have you here.

peace,
dj

[MrOuch]

Thanks for all the encouragement. I have started the Setting Captives Free course and I have found it immensely helpful. It has been one of the conrnerstones that I have been able to begin the business of rebuilding my life and my marriage. There are still days in which I hit stumbling blocks but I know now that if I continue on the course I have set for myself, I can succeed. I pray daily still and I trust in the Lord to help me make it through this period of trial and tribulation.

I say tribulation because, even though I may be rebuilding both my life and my marriage, and my wife and God have both forgiven me of my sins, the sins I have committed are not without consequence. It's great to feel the grace of forgiveness, and I am truly blessed to have received it. That does not absolve me of the debt I have yet to pay. In pusuing pornography and living in the moment, have forsaken my wife and my family for far too long. In many ways I have only been going through the motions of being a good partner, while devoting my true efforts to being a good parent. Yes it is important to raise kids well and attend all those baseball/soccer/hockey/scout events and to encourage my kids at every opportunity. I have been doing this, but I have been absent as a spouse. I have not been there for my wife. What good is being parent of the year, if your marriage sucks? At the end of the day when all the kids finally hit the bed, my first inclination is to say "Great. Now I can get something done around the house!" I should be saying "Great. Now I can devote some time to my wife!" That's where I am trying to get to. I always have my cell phone with me, and I recently set an alarm to go off at 8PM each day. When it does, I find my wife and ask her "what can I do for you." It sounds corny, but now I actually look forward to 8PM so that I can find her and ask her this.

Its funny how 6 little words can make all the difference in a relationship.

Thanks for this forum and everyone's encouragement and prayers. I will pray for you all.

[MrOuch]

Happy Holiday to all. It's all about the fireworks today.

I can't believe how fortunate I have been as of late. After years of surreptitiously surfing for pornography and hiding all of the evidence, I now find that I don't feel the slightest inclination for it anymore. That's not to say that the temptation isn't there anymore, because it is. No, it's that I don't feel compelled by it anymore. I know that it only leads to pain and separation from the things that matter most to me. I can't forget that. So, now I try to eliminate those possible triggers from my life.

About 10 months ago, I was standing in the shower and suddenly realized that I couldn't see my toes anymore, a burgeoning belly was obscuring my view. So I started the old get back in shape routine. I began working out and I subscribed to Men's Health magazine. It's got great articles and hints on how to improve my exercise routine. In deciding on Men's Health, I searched through the magazine racks at the local Barnes & Noble and found that alot of those fitness magazines are one step removed from pornography. Men's Health is no exception, but it is a good magazine. So, I have gone through my back issues (I still re-read them) and pulled out all of the pages that contain anything that I thought I might find as a trigger. It meant that I would lose the threads of some of the articles, but better to lose an author's waning thoughts than to lose myself in sin.

I am pleased to say that I can see my toes again, and that my pants are becoming too loose around the midsection. In fact I can once again fit into my swim trunks, which I am no longer embarrassed to wear.

I'm still praying for us all. God bless.

[choselife]

So, I have gone through my back issues (I still re-read them) and pulled out all of the pages that contain anything that I thought I might find as a trigger. It meant that I would lose the threads of some of the articles, but better to lose an author's waning thoughts than to lose myself in sin.

Actions like that separate those who will be successful from those who will not. The devil is in the details!
Great job.

CL

[MrOuch]

CL,

Thanks for the encouragement. Everyday, I try to remove myself from anything I think might cause me to falter. That is proving to be the difficulty now. I know that there is temptation out there and I want to put it all behind me. I know that through fortifying my faith I can put it all behind me. I don't feel any urge to surf for pornography. There is so much going on in my life that is good right now, I don't know if I could find the time to look for it if I wanted to. And more than that, I don't want to go back down that road. I know that road is wide and paved with stones worn smooth by the feet of people traveling to certain doom.

Instead I am taking the path that is narrow and rough. Fewer tread this way because it takes hard work to stay on this path. I am finding this out daily. I am also discovering that it's more fulfilling to travel this way. I am finding my self-confidence growing daily as well. This has been a pleasant surprise. It's amazing the energy one can find when not attempting to live a lie anymore.

There were times in which I found myself drained because I spent so much time, effort and energy trying to hide my sins and cover my tracks. The only fulfillment I felt was in successfully obfuscating the truth about my actions. It was the sin of subterfuge. Now, I have laid everything out, and I am no longer a slave to deception. I can live freely without pornography.

However, I am still living with the consequences of my actions. My wife and I are not where we ought to be after 12 years of marriage. That's all my fault. I am still trying to rebuild the foundation of a good relationship with her. It's an arduous process, but we are making progress. Some day, I know that we will be whole again. That is not to say that we aren't happy now. Given all that has happened in the past few months, I couldn't be more pleased to be living at home again with my wife and family. I love them and they love me and that's great. Still, I have to prove to my wife that she can trust me. I have an accountability program installed on the computer, so she can be assured there. And yet I can see in her eyes or hear in her tone a slight twinge that says.... And that's what I am still struggling to help her overcome. I know that it will just take consistency on my part to earn her trust back.

So far I am 42 days clean. I keep praying for strength to make it 43 days. I pray for you too.

[MrOuch]

Another good day yesterday. Although I did stay up late last night getting ready for a trip and fell into some channel surfing on tv. I must admit I am a sucker for those "World's Craziest Police Chases." I know the bad guys will get caught in the end, but I still find the whole spectacle compelling. So, I tune in and tune out. As wasteful as that is, it wasn't surfing for pornograhy and it didn't put my soul in jeopardy.

I got up early to do some work outside and of course it's raining AGAIN! But I suppose I should be thankful we're not having a drought. So, I'll pack lunches for everybody, go to work and pray for another day free of porn.

[MrOuch]

I thought this was interesting and pretty apt for my situation. I think my life is just finishing with chapter 4 right now. I can't wait to start chapter 5.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

1 I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.....I am helpless;
it isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place;
but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4 I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5 I walk down a different street.

[MrOuch]

File this under: What just happened?

History:

During our separation a couple of the kids got sick and were sick for a week. My wife and I split the time taking care of them I took 3 days, she took 2 days. As a result she only has 10 days for the remainder of the year. Five of these are spoken for with a planned vacation with her side of the family in August, leaving her with 5 days for the remainder of the year.

My side of the family has a week at the beach scheduled to begin on Saturday. This isn't the best time for us, as it is in the middle of swim meet season and roller hockey, but there you have it, and we had decided to go anyway.

Dilemma:

Now my wife doesn't have enough time to go to the beach with my family. We had discussed this and came to the conclusion that I would take the kids (who are chomping at the bit to see their cousins and the beach) on the 10 hour ride to the shore and she would remain home and clean/paint sans kids. This seemed like an amicable arrangement.

Hockey and a swim meet tonight. My wife got stuck in traffic. I had to leave for the swim meet. My one son stayed at the neighbors until my wife got home. When she finally got home, my sister called to want to know if we had gotten t-shirts to tie-die at the shore. My wife had to lie about the reason for not being able to go to the shore, mainly that she had used her vacation while we were separated. My wife hates her new job. She hates her horrible commute. She's feeling sick today. She's overtired. And she's also feeling very resentful right now that I am the one who screwed up. I am the one who is going on vacation with the kids. She is the one who is staying home.

I agree with her. I am responsible for the situation we are in, and she appears to be the one bearing the brunt of the consequences right now.

I have apologized to her, but I can't pay her back...I can't give her back her lost time and I can't relieve the pain I have caused her. Feeling pretty sore right now.

I pray for my wife to get a good night's rest. I pray for the grace of God to help us through this tribulation.

I didn't post this last night, as I too went to sleep. We'll see what today brings. Pray for me, as I will pray for you all.

[dj2005]

hey mrouch-
sorry things are a bit of a struggle right now. i don't really have anything to offer, except to say that you're in my thoughts and i hope you can find a way to use this experience to bring your family closer together. hang in there!
dj

[MrOuch]

Isn't life just funny some times. Just eleven days ago, things seemed very dark indeed. On the verge of leaving for vacation my wife and I had an argument. I ended up leaving the next day and heading for the beach with the kids and without her.

That was a tough trip 11 hours in the car with 3 kids is a long ride. We made it safe and sound. Kids were thrilled to see cousins and Aunts and Uncles and Grandmother. I was just relieved to be there. Called my wife and we talked and began to realize that we aren't nearly as far along on the road to marital recovery as we thought we were. Being hundreds of miles away from each other, we talked on the phone every night after the kids were asleep and despite the miles between us, grew closer. It was a glorious week at the beach in terms of weather and kinship with family near and far. I really felt the grace of God shining in my life. After the darkness--light.

Being at the beach is not without its temptations. Fortunately we were at a very family friendly beach with no internet. There was cable tv and I constantly felt like a jackbooted fascist turning off the tv and making the kids and cousins interact with each other and not vegetate in front of the tube. They actually played games, ball, colored, flew kites, did crafts, when they weren't on the beach.

Temptation abounded on the sand and in the center of the little beach town we were in. [trigger]The beach draws women in bathing suits and many of them are quite attractive and skimpily clad. [/trigger]Despite all of this, I kept my thoughts pure by praying to God to not allow me to be tempted. I have eyes and its impossible to not see all that was around me, but I did not allow myself to indulge my eyes. I kept thinking about my wife at home and my list of 30 reasons why I will never wander down the road to temptation again. It wasn't all that hard to remain pure. I was more than a little nervous at first when this trip grew nearer knowing that there would be some triggers on the beach. In the end, I was quite pleased that with God's help, I was able to pass this temptation by without succumbing to it. In the past, I have been quite the clandestine ogler ( at least I thought I was). This time I saw, but I didn't look--and it felt great to be able to do that--resist temptation.

So now I'm back home with the kids and my wife and we are all none the worse for wear at the moment. Still my wife and I have much work to do to rebuild our marriage, but I feel that I am learning the ways to handle the urges that I used to feel compelled at some point to act out on.

So, its now 54 days pure and free and counting. With God's grace it will be 55 and then 100 and then 1000, etc.

Grace and peace to all.

[MrOuch]

I did make it 55 days. I guess I need to make sure I check in to remind myself of the progress I have made. Fell asleep putting the kids to bed and got up in the middle of the night and went online. Instead of doing something stupid, I came here and wrote in my journal. I wasn't tempted to do anything stupid, but it was the late night internet that brought me grief before. No More.

V

[MrOuch]

Its been easy to be pure for the last couple of days as we've had no power since Tuesday night. Now power's back on, but I'm still doing well. 57 days now. Getting in touch with God has been a key for my progress, and I feel myself growing in faith and strength as a man. I believe getting caught has been a great blessing as it is bringing so many disparate elements in my life together.

[MrOuch]

Just been wondering today if failure is an option in a recovery program? I must admit that I have a hard time with this concept in some of the literature that I read. "Recovery " seems to connote that failure is inevitable and the we need to constantly be ready to recover from it.

For me personally failure is not an option. If allow myself to begin to think this way, it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Therefore, I will not allow this into my head or heart.

Otherwise I am doing fine today. Did run into something unexpected on the internet yesterday in a YouTube link sent to me by a friend. The video link was completely innocent, but there were other links on the YouTube site that seemed... I felt the vaguest of stirrings deep down inside of me, but quickly came to my senses and thought "You just don't need this. The price is too hight." And that was that. Sunday will be 60 days pure. I'm not going to screw that up.

[MrOuch]

Played in a charity golf tournament today. Afterwards at the dinner, several of my golf friends wanted to go to a "gentleman's club" A few weeks ago, I would have jumped at this chance. Today, I tried to turn the conversation towards something else. When that wasn't successful, I extracated myself from the situation and went to talk to other folks. There was no way I would have gone.

I found solace in talking with others who thought the same way I did

[Al]

Well, at least now you know who your friends are, and it's not the strip-club crowd. Good work.

Be well,
Al