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Post by MrOuch on Aug 15, 2006 22:13:50 GMT -5
I'm still hanging in here. Thanks for all the support. I am realizing I am not as far along my path to purity as I once thought. Just God once again cracking my head to remind me not to get too uppity. I'm beginning to feel better and more at ease around the house. Still some big issues here though. I copied Portia Nelson's "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" earlier on in my journal. It's not that long so I'll reinsert it here: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson
1 I walk down the street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost.....I am helpless; it isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
2 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place; but it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
3 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in....it's a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
4 I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
5 I walk down a different street. I remember thinking that I was somewhere between chapters 4 and 5. With this latest ordeal, I realize I was being a bit too hasty to sound the trumpets. I think I am around somewhere around chapters 3 and 4 now. I am definitely not through chapter 4 yet.
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Post by MJ on Aug 15, 2006 22:24:37 GMT -5
Hey MrOuch,
Great post! I think I've read this before but I can't remember where. Like you, I think I'm halfway through Chapter 3. Thanks for sharing this with us. Be strong!
MJ
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Post by bygodsgrace on Aug 20, 2006 19:30:24 GMT -5
Haven't read/heard from you in a while so hoping all is well. Keep us posted on your recovery!
Brian
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 21, 2006 16:19:15 GMT -5
Been a very crazy week. Things seem to be settling down a bit around here. We were able to salvage a vacation thanks to Priceline and naming my own price. In the end everybody was happy--wife, kids and me. I have learned alot about myself and my weakness to temptation. When the poop hit the rotary device, I was quick to dance my way into temptation's path as a way to escape my feelings of self-doubt. I came pretty close to going there, but I stopped just short. Still, it was uncomfortably close. I neglected to read and study on God's word as much as I ought. I've climbed back in the saddle now. Still keeping my eyes on the prize. 89 days of purity and still counting.
Kids ready to return to school next week. Yippee!
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 21, 2006 21:10:43 GMT -5
In 1418, the German monk Thomas Kempis wrote:
"I have never met a man so religious and devout that he has not experienced at some time a withdrawal of grace and felt a lessening of fervor. No saint was so sublimely rapt and enlightened as not to be tempted before and after. He, indeed, is not worthy of the sublime contemplation of God who has not been tried by some tribulation for the sake of God. For temptation is usually the sign preceding the consolation that is to follow, and heavenly consolation is promised to all those proved by temptation. "To him that overcometh," says Christ, "I will give to eat of the Tree of Life." Divine consolation, then, is given in order to make a man braver in enduring adversity, and temptation follows in order that he may not pride himself on the good he has done.
The devil does not sleep, nor is the flesh yet dead; therefore, you must never cease your preparation for battle, because on the right and on the left are enemies who never rest."
I found this and thought it apt to describe what I have been going through as of late. This is not to say that I am a saint. Trust me, I am far from that designation. But, I have felt a lessening of fervor as of late, which was followed by a strong temptation. I was able to pull through this all and now I am feeling strong again, but I also feel humbled. I thought I was much stronger than I found out I actually was. This was God's little way of saying to me "You've done a good job so far, but remember who it was that got you to this point." I'm still slugging it out with the temptations of daily life, but I know that with God's guidance, I can perservere.
Peace
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Post by MJ on Aug 21, 2006 22:04:25 GMT -5
Hey MrOuch,
Great quote! You've done well to remember to thank God through this recovery. Without His help we wouldn't have gotten this far.
Peace, MJ
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Post by belikejob on Aug 22, 2006 0:38:00 GMT -5
Welcome back MrOuch, "You've done a good job so far, but remember who it was that got you to this point." I know exactly how you feel on that one. Keep up the good work and stay strong BLJ
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 24, 2006 22:44:08 GMT -5
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Post by bygodsgrace on Aug 25, 2006 14:20:09 GMT -5
MrOuch, great post! Prayer seems to be the only remedy against fading faith. My prayer resembles the father of the demon-possessed boy in Mark 9:24 "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" God knows our struggles and our hearts. He knows when we are straying from Him. He also understands that we have doubts. It is not a bad thing to question---but how we question is a true test of our faith.
When I feel weak in my faith, I ask God to help me overcome that "unbelief." I do what I can, within my own power, spending more time reading my bible or in prayer. But I also know that God does have the power to put my heart at ease, subdue the anxiousness that I experience, restore my spiritual eyes and ears. In my opinion, these periods of doubt remind us about Gods place in our lives. Do we buckle under the doubt or just realize that we may not be spending enough time with the Lord (and that is His gentle reminder to us!) Anyways, that is my perspective. May God continue to "gently" remind you of His significance in your life! God bless!
Brian
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 28, 2006 0:08:40 GMT -5
Been a busy weekend with multiple birthday parties to run all around to. Have been relatively free of any lustful thoughts of late (I guess I've been too busy to notice any at least) so that's a good thing. Kids are all set for school tomorrow, and things are looking bright up ahead. Nearing the 100 day milestone and feeling like its in the bag at this point. Although I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. This would normally be the time that I would lose my composure. I pray to God that it won't happen that way. He has shown me the way this far, and I'm sure he'll lead me the rest of the way, if I only follow.
Hope all had a great weekend. God Bless.
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 30, 2006 18:18:07 GMT -5
Just been thinking lately that this has been a crazy journey I have undergone. I started out not thinking that my life was all that terrible. Then I got hit with an awful D-day type event. My life became untenable. I had an epiphany of sorts, and now I find myself on this incredible journey of self-renewal. It's all pretty spectacular how out of the ashes of my former life, a phoenix has arisen that is surpassing everything I thought imaginable. If you had asked me if 6 months ago, I would have told you the likelihood of something like this happening was nil...and yet. "Truly, O God of Israel, our Savior, you work in strange and mysterious ways." (Isaiah 45:15)
I've also been thinking about something I read. Jesus was tempted by Satan 3 times. Each time He responded by quoting from the scriptures. When Jesus was questioned by the scribes and pharisees, he responded by saying "it is written..." or "have you not read..." or "the scriptures tell us." What does this tell me? Well, basically the way to deal with temptation is not to ignore it and hope it goes away. I shouldn't run and hide from it. The way to deal with temptation is to acknowledge its existance and then to turn away from it and to the Word of God for guidance. A couple of phrases that I have come to know and recite are the
Lord's prayer
Job 31:1 "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.
1Pe 5:8 "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
These seems simple enough, but they have helped me mightily in my quest to remain pure. And so far they have worked.
Peace
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fanta
New Member
Posts: 42
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Post by fanta on Aug 31, 2006 2:36:19 GMT -5
hey mrouch, i read some of your journal. i must say its quite encouraging.
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Post by MrOuch on Aug 31, 2006 13:43:50 GMT -5
I remember reading a newcomers comments somewhere on this support board that went something like this:
"Everyone here is struggling to not slip-up again and they're at day 5 without porn and mb. Where are the people that have been porn and mb-free for 500 days?"
The response back to this newcomer was to focus on your own recovery and to understand that people who had overcome their porn and mb problems had moved on. At the time I thought this was a rather insufficient answer. Now, I have come to realize this was a rather appropriate answer.
When I first came to this board, I was in a bad place and I needed somewhere to make a soft landing. The many supportive voices here helped me make sense out of a very troubling time in my life. I would come here several times a day to read whatever I could find. I scoured the journals looking for a hint or an insight into how to "fix" my life. Then it began to dawn on me that I needed to fix my life from the inside, not by applying someone else's techniques to my problems.
And that's what I have done over the last three months. I have worked at rebuilding my life from the ground up. I have rediscovered my floundering faith. I have relearned how to relate to my kids. I have discovered how to structure my life to succeed. And most importantly, I have learned how to show my wife what a wonderful and special person she is. I feel confident now that I am building my life on a solid foundation. I know that I can succeed from this point onward.
Lately I have been coming to this board a little less frequently. I find that when I do come here, I read less for my own recovery and more for the entertainment of some of the more tumultuous postings here. They can all be summed up pretty well by Bishop Clark, of Rhode Island.
He told of a dispute at Providence between two hot church members. One said at last, "I should like to know who you are. "Who am I!" cried the other,-- "Who am I! I am a humble Christian, you damned old heathen, you!" (Ralph Waldo Emerson ).
I am finding this type of discourse to be of of little discernible value to me. So, I think I am beginning to move into a new phase of my plan. One in which I will spend my time here more wisely. There is a big old world out there and I want to spend more time in it.
Peace
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Post by MrOuch on Sept 1, 2006 10:58:43 GMT -5
Woo Hoo!!
100 days of being pure. At present not a cloud on my horizon, although TS Ernesto is on the way--they say. I'm looking forward to a great date tonight with my wife. Sitter is lined up, dinner reservations set, tickets for The Illusionist in hand. She is excited too.
Peace
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Post by Valjean on Sept 1, 2006 12:14:53 GMT -5
Congratulations on 100 days, you're an inpiration to all of us on the list.
Have a great night with your wife, you deserve it, Valjean
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