queenie's journal

[LookingUp]

((((((((((((((((( Victoria ))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

I agree with your last sentence "all I can do is take care of me." With all the pain their addiction brings - sometimes that's a major job to do self-care and try to find our serenity.

LookingUp

[creole]

(((HUG)))

Victoria, I'm am saddened after reading your journal entries for the last few weeks and seeing what you're going thru.

Your recovery, your healing are the top priority. You will be added to my prayer list. I don't get here often, but please feel free to PM me and I will share what I can. I have a few recovery sites, etc. that helped me. You have probably visited them, but maybe not. Dealing with a SA/PA ain't for sissies. It is full contact emotional hell. You are on my daily list now.

Wishing you peace and blessings.

Creole

[victoria]

Let's see:

Truck needs new tires and tuning up $3-400
New sprinkler system for gone time w/timer $100
Clothes & grooming $150
New cooler & cd's $60
Plus gas and meals $4-500

to justify $3-400 worth of his paperwork finished

Then all of a sudden we are broke again when it is time for the things he promised would be done when we come back. i.e., my payment $10, my car A/C $150, and my commitment to some friends $200. I'm not in pity, I am keeping track of everything because I can't if I don't write it down.

The kicker was when I said I at least need $10 so I won't incur a late charge on a credit card. He hid the petty cash, not well, mind you. But he hid it.

And he pouted all day yesterday when I said I intended to pay for the things I needed.

Now I'm angry, but I write so it doesn't take over and blur today. This is insanity, but right now, this is my life. This is the outlet I have that is safe. I am planning things, but it is a slow process and this coping tool is the best for me right now. I called WEAVE last night and that helped, so I keep truckin'.........

By the way, the guy who insists on sending p0rn to my PA - he was at the mtg yesterday. Told me he'd come up and shake my hand, but then he would have to get close to me?!?!?! That told me it's just flagrant defiance. The maturity just abounds, you know?

Thank God for my sobriety today.

v

[LookingUp]

I think you can call your ISP and have his e-mail banned from sending stuff - that way you don't have to put him on the ignore list that your husband could re-enable.

He got clothes, grooming and CD's when you're going without a/c in your car? Then he's pouting about $10. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

I'm thrilled you were able to maintain your sobriety through his weird selfishness.

[victoria]

I haven't wanted to write because it's just more of the same.

Found out he was convicted of welfare fraud years ago
Found he lied again on his paperwork
Found out he lied about his "non p0rn stuff" to family
Now he needs to buy a bed for his back he claims, but never mind what I need-like Rx's, toiletries, etc. Argues it's too much money.
But won't go to the chiropractor?!?!?!?!?
Still controlling everything


It's just more of the same. I haven't wanted to share it with anyone, because I know what the answer is. I want to go back into denial and lately, two people have mentioned that they can't give up their integrity to be in a relationship.

Because it's emotional abuse more than anything else, it just seems like it's head games and I feel determined to not let him get to me. Is that sick or what?

I didn't get angry or react in any way, just waited for him to get over himself, and make his own decisions about his drama/traumas. I keep myself removed as much as possible.

I know I'm very lonely, yet at the same time, I feel really close to a higher power and feel supported through counseling and this board.

If anything, I have maybe toughened up a little when it comes to criticism and interacting with mean people. I used to just run away, but I'm learning I can stand in the same room and not be involved in their crises.

I am a person.

v

[LookingUp]

cclearlynow21 said:

I am a person.

And an awesome person at that!!!

Sounds like you're really growing and learning new ways to take care of yourself in healthier ways, too.

[victoria]

Going to write a little,

am pretty angry, and haven't slept very well for the last three nights. So, I need to start getting it out and I don't want to, because I will be vulnerable and I will cry and I don't want to.

Suffice it to say, I cannot do anything more in this relationship. I know it's been apparent for a while, but I got up the nerve to ask for what I want and need to get out of this, and I got it.

Surprise! I asked for help and didn't compromise myself and I got it.

I feel now that writing this, it's sinking in that that is more important than what the jerk did this time. Bottom line, my serenity, integrity, dignity, and sobriety HAVE to come first and it's at a point where it doesn't, so I need to take care of me.

I can't do anything else for this situation, I really can't. Detachment only goes so far, boundaries are ignored, yada yada yada.

Thank you God for this day.

v

[victoria]

He is an idiot. A controlling, self centered ego maniac that has no concept of what he does and how it affects people.

But we all knew that? didn't we......................

this whole stupid furniture issue has tipped the charts, mind you-absolutely tipped the charts.

He got on the phone and raged with the owner of the company. Beautiful.

I saw it as another opportunity to detach and let him handle it. I am so glad that I said to him when he was buying this, it's important to you how this works, you need this for your health. So, guess what? I'm out of it! I'm not in the drama and I'm not going to participate.

F&ckhead.

It's interesting that when he didn't get a response from the female, he started interrupting and belittling her. So, he calls the other store and asks to speak to an owner-she is the owner!!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

I will continue on with my day.

Thank you God.

[LookingUp]

cclearlynow21 said:

It's interesting that when he didn't get a response from the female, he started interrupting and belittling her. So, he calls the other store and asks to speak to an owner-she is the owner!!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

That is sooo hilarious! I would love to have been a fly on his wall to see his expression!

I will continue on with my day.

Thank you God.

I am glad you're able to put this behind and continue on with your life. That's an awesome display of your inner strength.

LookingUp

[victoria]

Thanks for the support, LU.

I'm out to donate stuff to a charity Will check in later.

Hope you are doing well, and peace,

v

[victoria]

Although I am in a place now where I am helping someone else that I love through a difficult time, and it is so painful, I'm not ready to talk about it, there has been quite a lot of things I am grateful for:

Sunshine
kindness - in word, thought, and deed
unselfishness
laughter
comfort
feeding a fish
making bread
doing things FOR someone out of want, without an underlying motive
doing all of the things horrible, terrible things my friends and sponsors have suggested over the years.
Being available to others in my past (because I wasn't drunk)
The power of listening
Having a Higher Power that has great, big shoulders; that can have any name, any time, and be able to love unconditionally
Never missing a golden opportunity to shut up
Knowing I am loved, just being me.

v

[victoria]

I was going to post this in a topic thread, but I feel more comfortable posting in my journal.....

*considering whether to leave or have left.*

I've done both. Last year at this time, I was staying with family because I wanted to leave. I was so wrapped up in the sickness of being with a PA that it took me three weeks just to be able to sleep well and relax after I left him. A few other things happened, he decided to go to counseling and SA. I decided to go back. We made five agreements that had to be kept, he didn't keep any of them. He still goes to SA and he is coming up on what he considers his "year". I think it's great he goes, I have seen him make some strides in growth, but control, and selfishness still abound. I consider it narcissism at this point. I also consider what has happened between us in the past to be abusive on a few different levels.

I started going to WEAVE and about a month ago, I was called and told that my mother has cancer, stage four. The doctor advised my father to get any business and paperwork wrapped up, and get the kids together to spend as much time as possible and enjoy it and embrace what we have. He also asked me to come and help because he is exhausted. He has been my mother's primary caretaker through three back surgeries and he needs help. No problem, I'm there.

We have been getting a second opinion, and Monday is the big day for results. I'm terrified and relieved at the same time.

This is the part that goes with the PA-he has been pretty immature on a consistent basis. Why is it that they can't pay attention to their partner when they're there, but have them be gone, and it's a major tragedy!!!! That's the control and the selfishness!!

Never mind all of the P crap I have put up with, or the STD's, or the dishonesty, or the ex wife that stayed in the picture for over a year, or the sexualization of female acquaintances, or the triangulation to ensure that I look like the bad guy and no one knows about his secret life, or the financial insecurity that has been behind his PA, or all of the detoxing from P, and all of the anger rages that accompany that, or retelling our history so that I am looking at it wrong, or the control over friends and jobs, blah blah blah, everyone knows what goes on with being a partner of a SA.

Now his life is my fault because I am not by his side. Forget that I have only one mother, or that my father needs help, or that when I am at home I can't do anything, because I have to be available for his choices at all times, forget all of the humiliation that I have been through with his addiction. All of a sudden his life is falling apart every which way because I am not there. It's more like he can't face being alone with himself.

I asked him two weeks ago, "What would be different if I was there? Nothing, not one blessed thing, because the same stuff would be happening because he would be experiencing the consequences of his decisions either way!!

I am an object still to him, he may be sober a year according to him, but come on! I still am not there, emotionally, spiritually, physically. I would be sitting on the couch and listening to him.

He is making changes, but nothing can be sustained because he is still not "out of control" his isn't powerless enough yet.

This isn't about me, it's about him and him facing what he has to. And that is being part of the human race, not being a look good on the outside kinda guy.

I have so many emotions going on about my mom, and I'm out of line for thinking about someone else, other than him, poor poor baby!

I'm mad and I need to write and get this out of me, because I don't want it to interfere with my parent's right now.

Time to buck up, shut up, and grow up!!

v

[victoria]

I shaved my mother's head today. She's beautiful. It was an honor.

We go to get treatment again on Moday.

God is good.

v

[victoria]

I took off to the beach for a couple of days after my mom's last chemo. It took me two days just to unwind enough to realize I had to unwind. I haven't taken a big break for three months. So, I tuned out and read a book and walked along the beach. Just recuperated a little from 24/7 stress.

I came home the morning of Thanksgiving and had a talk with my parents. I explained to them that I needed to visit my doctors (2)and attend to some business in my hometown. The last blood test and scans showed no growth, so it would be an opportune time to go. I would be back in time for the next chemo treatment.

Mom didn't hear that I was coming back and she started apologizing for whatever it was that she did wrong to make me go away. I had to remind her that I was coming back and she felt better then.

Dad was pretty upset but he showed it in a different way, he didn't understand that I have a life to take care of, he kept criticizing what I was doing. And when I didn't respond, he made a cheap shot about how my son was raised. (That he was bounced around and really had no consistency) wth?? That was years ago.

I know he did it because I was leaving him with her. I asked him if he would consider hiring a nurse just a few times a month and he said no. He won't let any family/friends come over to help, and he wants me to basically sit there and wait with him during down time when I could be doing something for myself.

I had to face the fear of disapproval of my dad, I hate that one. But I did it and I will be back in two weeks.

What does this have to do with SA? I've written before how much my mother is like my ex and I saw it in living color the past three months.

There is no consideration of anyone else
Everything is about them
I feel like a prop in a show-their show
lots of criticism
financial selfishness-what is mine is important, what's yours isn't
if there is a lull in the excitement, they do something wrong intentionally to see what will happen

That's why I feel that lust is a form of selfishness, deep selfishness. Narcissistic selfishness. They are bottomless pits.

very sad, but honest.

v

[victoria]

Onto the new board I go....................