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Post by victoria on Jun 25, 2007 10:45:53 GMT -5
A couple of the things he has said: Your butt seemed glued to the chair, so I got up and did it. No, Im not going to buy ice cream anymore, we have to work on getting you in shape. F-bombs quite often. Shut up. When I ask him to stop, or that I really don't want him to talk that way anymore, he explains to me why I'm misunderstanding him. Or it's not that bad. He always had an excuse ready. He doesn't take responsibility for his actions. I feel like a lump. Why even have me here if he is that unhappy? Because he needs a fall guy. I now can't even clean house right, he doesn't like my cooking, and I don't even have a point when I respond to something he says, it has to be told to me why I am thinking wrong. If I go back to work, that's not going to be good enough, he will sabotage it in some way. I need help. I feel like I need to go far away, but that is impossible. He didn't want to go to the couples meeting last week. I didn't like that. I had to say no to a couple of social things this last week and I told him that since you won't keep the boundary, that I will. He said there is no boundary there, I just think-more addict speak. whatever.
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Post by victoria on Jun 26, 2007 11:31:12 GMT -5
Well,
I noticed a pattern now. Now on Tuesday, he comes home early and wants me to do something with him. He doesn't even ask, he justs assumes. When I told him about that, that I would like to talk about this, he just stomped and said forget it. Then he came back and kissed me and stayed there and then said I'll be home before 11am, ok? I told him if he wasn't home by eleven, all bets were off. He laughed.
He bought gas for the car yesterday after he told me to use the truck because of the AC. Now he says I "owe him".
I'm so angry, and then I know it is useless to get angry, so I just go along with it, whatever it is.
How does he expect me to work? How does he expect me to get anything done? How does he expect me to exist?
Am I a blowup doll? He won't hug me for more than a minute, but then he doesn't want me involved in anything else.
I'm "on" for him 24/7.
Im exhausted.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 26, 2007 14:40:33 GMT -5
Looks like you're doing some self-analysis and realizing where you can change. That's painful self-reflection at times. It's hard to actually make those changes when they block us at every step we take trying to keep the dynamics the same. Keep moving in the direction you want to go as you realize he will not possibly ever be supportive of any growth in you. That's not your fault that he's defective and can't offer support, encouragement and empathy. I hope you're getting that from some where - even if it's here!
Glad you're still going to weaving. Sorry they changed the group. Wish I could see some of your projects.
Anger, like any emotion, is normal and even healthy (let's us know we're alive). Anger sounds pretty normal, especially with all the stress you're living under with his PA, his manipulation, and his verbal abuse. The one good thing about anger is that it gives us an adreneline rush and helps us think clearer so we can start finding solutions we can actually use to help our situations. I pray that you find some do-able solutions soon.
You mentioned several times your fear of him. Is it fear of his emotional/verbal abuse or fear it will escalate to physical abuse? Do you have a women's shelter in your area? Often they know of other resources or support groups to help us learn the skills we need. If you're concerned about physical abuse - it's good to know you have a place to land if you ever need to leave in a rush. (Been there and had to do that with ex1).
You're in my thoughts.
LookingUp
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Post by victoria on Jun 28, 2007 21:12:00 GMT -5
He calls me this aftermnoon and says everything that happened at his job today. We throw around the idea of waiting for the chicken to defrost or going out for chinese. I say let's talk about it when you get home and you can rest. He says sounds good to me. The phone does not have time to rest and he calls back saying he was just asked to chair a meeting tonight and I asked him who asked him to do it. He said the name of the lady that started working with me at my last job!!!!!!!! He told me he never talks to her, he let it slip at the social event two weekends ago that he knew about her comings and goings lately, and now this. He has been in contact with her the whole time. Another f@cking lie! Oh, that's right, I'm dealing with an addict who is addicted to f#cking everything up as much as possible. He is the most important thing in life. What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? you still have a horsethief............................. Why do I keep forgetting that? When is the pain going to be enough that I don't care if I have to live in my car? I'm addicted to this time it won't burn me and here's how!!!!! f#ck life I didn't react mean or angry. I just went about my stuff and was courteous without a chill. Then when he left I came here to write. that's pretty good for this ol' gal.
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Post by victoria on Jul 3, 2007 12:46:41 GMT -5
I haven't wanted to write because there has been more pain, and I face it when I write. So, I suggested to someone that they keep a journal. Go Figure.
Fight this weekend. He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie after the ride, I said sure. I came out of the shower and sports were on. I said let me know when you are ready to watch the movie, I'll be on the computer. Later, he asked me to come in and watch a replay, I did. I waited for a moment, he was still watching, I said I'll be in the computer room and started to walk away. He said well, if you don't want to watch a movie, that's fine with me. I stopped and said that isn't what I said. What did I tell you I need from you, he said I don't remember.
Bottom line, even after I reminded him, he wouldn't ask me........
I said forget it, and I went and read a book. he came into the bedroom, and started to kiss me, I said no. He stomped off I huffed and puffed. And the weekend ensued from there. I tried to explain to him how I felt about him talking to that woman. Didn't work. He just interupted and yelled, as usual.
He asked me if I wanted to go camping for one night. Sounded OK, then he mentioned he would bring the boat. Well that plan died.
He was sarcastic and mean all weekend. He was mean to the women fro work. Lucky her, she hung up on him. I have to live with him.
I can only take this for a while, and then I can't take it anymore. That's when I start to cry, or try to talk, or try to leave, and I'm so upset I don't want to drive.
Last night during the meeting, I found I was in the middle of thinking what would he say next, instead of my own thoughts. How sad!!
I feel so hurt, I don't want to try. I don't feel like he wants to treat me better. I wish he would just kick me out.
He made a commitment to not being sarcastic with me and that hasn't worked. What else is new?
We can afford dinner when he wants it, but I can buy ice cream because I have money. Two years into the relationship, after I have gained my weight back, I am not blaming him, now he decides that he wants to lose weight, so now he's not buying ice cream. Do I even exist?
And he lied to me again, he told me his cholesterol and BP was okay now he says the DR told him he had to change his habits.................
f'in liar. fufufufufufufufu!!!!!!!!
I feel I'm on a tightrope and I keep falling, and I keep getting back on the tightrope. I feel like an emotional punching bag. I feel unworthy by him. And if anyone else is interested in me, then I get the silent treatment from him.
whatever.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 3, 2007 13:49:00 GMT -5
((((((((((((((( victoria ))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're hurting. He sounds like he's been a real jerk over the weekend. I'm glad you were able to type about it. I hope he learns some empathy quickly. Have you discovered Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse site? She has some good ideas on defusing things. www.drirene.com I've gotten some good pointers from her site.
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Post by victoria on Jul 4, 2007 12:00:45 GMT -5
Yes, I've been reading Dr Irene's site and it has been good. Today I read the judge's story and understanding the verbal abusers language. Both insightful. It hit's on what I have thought all along-he doesn't want to be understood or understand. Then he loses control. That's where Irene's "fine" and "OK" come in real well. But then that isn't enough, he wants to engage again-a lot. It used to be all of the time, not it's a lot. So I guess it's improvement. ?!?!?!?!
Last night I went to an SAnon meeting. Boy, was he happy!!! That wasn't the point tough. The goal was to ask someone to sponsor me. The women I wanted to ask wasn't there, my old sponsor that never called me back was, and she asked me how I was doing, I told her what my sponsor from another 12step program and I agreed upon, and she changed the subject. So, I let it go. Why ask some that has treated me badly to treat me kindly when I have experienced the outcome?
After listening to her, she really doesn't have what I am interested in regardless. Someone had dropped off a SAnon service manual and she looked at it and said well, I never knew that this was how things were done. She's been in the program for quite some time. (Years)
I listened to the meeting, and I kept hearing the term "co-dependent" and it made my skin crawl. After going to WEAVE, I can't justify emotional, verbal, financial and sexual abuse from someone as me having a part in it. I can understand being angry and frustrated and realizing I need to lay down boundaries. If they are not honored, isn't it abuse? If I can recognize he honors his sponsor's, or his boss, or a friend, or a customer, to ignore mine is a choice. To run rampant for selfish reasons is abuse and neglect.
Anyway, I started to share, and the person that previously told my sharing to my PA's sponsor, (who told it to my PA) walked in, and I stopped sharing. She started sharing that well since no one else is going to talk, I will, and she remarked that if we stay in our pain, then we will stay miserable and not want to talk. And she wants to be happy, so she talks. She shared what her husband said in their counseling session. Great. I believe in traditions, and if I'm going to use a meeting, I need to follow and respect what's good for the whole group, not the individual.
I loved the reading about humility. We read from Step Seven and it was good. It never occurred to me to pray for God's guidance for taking away the pain, I was asking him to help me with it. Small words, big difference. I also liked the part about feeling that if I give up my anger, I lose the power and let him win, as if I'm forgiving him. Old lesson, new application. HHHHMMMMMMM.
I will absorb the experience over the next few days.
I told my sponsor that I feel like my 12 step group that I'm in for 11 years is the last holdout for the good ol boys club, this behavior is rampant. I feel like Bill W. put a romantic, guilty spin on unacceptable behavior for the AlAnon's. Notice this is a feeling, I'm sure it will pass. Bill w. is not responsible for my happiness or my sobriety, it's just a feeling.
Today the PA has 9 months. I told him happy bday. I haven't said too much to him about his birthdays, and it started because what he and I consider sobriety is two different things. A friend sent him a picture and he saw it after his date. He watches r rated movies, and if there is skin in a film, he doesn't consider that unhealthy. Whatever.
Thank you God for my sobriety today!!
v
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Post by victoria on Jul 6, 2007 10:06:21 GMT -5
This morning I snapped first thing, and I'm getting it out of my system. It is very hot here, and the minute the sun comes up. it starts blazing. He goes around the house and opens every window for the coolness. That lasts about 15 minutes and then after he is gone, I have to deal with the heat. So, I wait for him to leave so I can close everything. He has decided to open up doors and windows that are hard for me to get to this time, I let it go. Last summer he complained how the A/C cost so much to run. If I keep the house closed up, I can stave off the A/C until 2pm with it being comfortable. Now this summer, he walks in a keeps it at 79. I ask him why the difference? He says, dear, just don't worry about it, OK? Crazy-making and where exactly do you buy a life so this stuff doesn't matter? I ask him to help me with something, he walks away and says what? I ask him louder this time and he repeats himself so this time I yell. He's right behind me, he says I don't have to yell at him, he was coming back, (how was I supposed to know that?) and what do I want? I said never mind, I got it. This where I think the no sleep thing has gotten to him. He is forgetful, and he walks back and forth to his car five times trying to remember everything. Maybe it's just a bad morning, but then he wants to stand there a hold a kiss for thirty seconds while I'm in the middle of something. So I drop it, and return the affection. He pulls away and says now now now I've got to go to work. I'm late. Crazy-making. so I go back to work (this is while he 's forgetting everything and doing the car dance) He leaves and comes back in again and does the same thing with the kiss AGAIN!! hes finished, I'm exasperated, and I look at him, like what are you doing? he says forget it!! and says see you later. its not even 8am yet. Two days ago, while I was working in the kitchen, he was watching TV. I glance up and he's watching the Victoria's Secret girls on some Hollywood gossip show. So I stand and wait. WAY more than the three second rule. He watched the whole segment. 30-1 minute. So, am I too much in his business? It has been real hard for him, regardless of his protestations since summer has started. He just celebrated an milestone, and I really don't believe that what we started out doing in this program and what is going to happen are two different things. This is his program, he has to define it his way for his perception, faith, and comfort level and honesty. I have to do the same for me. Nevertheless, it has opened my mind to the human condition more. Much more. Probably more than I can remember on a daily basis. I have been meditating on fear and faith often. I always say I'm scared. Where is the faith? How simple it is to start acting without praying. I have a hair-trigger response to ensuring my peace of mind, and sometimes that means going to any length to "shut him up", sad to say. I meant to write other things, maybe they'll come out later. Another thing I reflect on, is when I had C as my sponsor, back when I first moved in, she could only be reached at night. We were always at a meeting at night, so I couldn't call her. He had to have me with him, it would be an argument if I said no. I also told him that I was working on my steps during the day while he was gone. He kept calling me and interrupting me, so I said I quit. It seemed like he was happy about that. Or that he had no reaction. Whatever. I am very proud of the fact and grateful god that I followed through with that phone call for the intake interview for the counseling. Thank you god for my sobriety today!!
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Post by victoria on Jul 6, 2007 16:16:45 GMT -5
Went to Costco with him today. Entering the parking lot, we talk about going to olive garden for dinner. I ask, can we afford it? He says he has enough money now to make this months house payment. He told me a month ago we were paid up until September!!!!!! We walk in the store. Rcokstar's are on sale. I say lets buy them, he says there is nothing healthy in them. Then turns around and asks me what kind of potato chips I like!!!!!!!! This may sound nuts, but I write it here because I can keep track of what is going on. He is really leering a lot now at women driving in cars next to him. It's back to him not paying attention to what I am saying. Oh well. Yesterday he told me he is on step eight. I started sharing what hapened with my eighth step. He started laughing and said, baby, I apologize for ever introducing myself to you. The hits just keep comin' kids.
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Post by victoria on Jul 15, 2007 13:11:18 GMT -5
Well, I haven't wanted to write again, but here goes:
I have noticed about 4-5 times that he has been leering, just in the last few days. Let it get to me a little, but hardly anything like it used to be.
After the Victoria's Secret episode, there have been two times he has watched a s#x scene on TV or in a movie, and that didn't bother me either after I realized that this really isn't going to stop, ever.
I went to help him with a job the other day, and tho QC the quality of the picture, he asked the customer for a movie, that one didn't look great, so he asked for another, and put it in. I was reading the manual, trying to find the troubleshooting guide. I guess I was in there for a while. because I heard the customer say, "Well, I guess that isn't the movie to watch is it?". I looked up and he was glazed looking at a s#x scene. # second rule? Are you out of your mind? The customer had to tell him to stop!!!!!
One day I turned around in my chair and he was watching a youtube video-two people kissing, that was no big deal, except that he just asked me what are the call letters for our news station? What?!?!?!?!?!?
So, today, I told him that I was going to send my brother some pictures of a show we went to (they're on his computer) and he says OK. I start to do it, and he's over my shoulder. I couldn't find them right away, then I told him I was going to try and just make a copy and take it with us when we see him. He was real happy about that. "What a great idea!" and he left. That didn't work, so I tried the email thing again, just in smaller doses.
Then it occurred to me, he was nervous before, (I'm slow) so I checked his email. BINGO!!! The jerk that sent him crap before is doing it again. and has done it for the last month. And it is flat out p@rn.
This was the last agreement of five that we made to each other when I moved back in. Balls in my court.
Dear God, help me.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 15, 2007 14:45:33 GMT -5
((((((((((( Victoria ))))))))))))))))
Oh, my. Discovery days are such a mixed blessing - at least those other recent things are making sense. Yes, it empowers us since we did nothing wrong - but it also kicks the wind out of us, too. Take your time, decide how to proceed and then do it. We'll be here cheering you on and supporting you on whatever you decide.
That scene with the customer is totally mind-boggeling.
I'm so sorry you're going through this again. You really, really don't deserve all this stress and pain.
LookingUp
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Post by victoria on Jul 16, 2007 9:32:36 GMT -5
Thanks for the support, LU. It really means a lot. I am so glad I have this board and people like you on it!!! Makes all the difference.
I'm going to go about my daily business and see what my HP has in store for me on how to get it together for the next step.
Will post more here later, maybe in the next five minutes............
I really am just trying to stay away from "fixing" him or his friend that keeps sending this crap. It's just another form of control.
thanks again,
v
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Post by victoria on Jul 17, 2007 11:17:00 GMT -5
I'm really depressed today. I am leaving to go do something to get my mind off of this crap. Since I found out the other day, he has been moody, angry, and then apologetic (in actions, not words) and then he wants to buy me clothes last night. And I haven't even told him I found out!!
I want to eat the feelings away. and I want to fix the pain with some magical sentence that he will finally understand (again). It's done, he looked at p0rn, I'm so hurt and angry.
I don't care if it was sent to him without him requesting it, he will not make it plain to his friends that he has a problem. We ran into 'bud' at the store last night, he barely even looked at me to say hi, but he shook the PA's hand and thanked him and told him he missed him. The PA didn't even call him on it or comment on his rudeness to me?!?!?!?!!?
Anyway, I have these feelings, I'm praying and turning it over, and I will go about my day. It's funny, but until I found this, I didn't realize how much I had relaxed until now.
F&ck addiction!!!!! cunning, baffling, powerful.
v
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Post by victoria on Jul 25, 2007 22:15:27 GMT -5
So last night, we are at the place where it all hit me in the beginning that he is never going to talk about this, that I realized that I have lost everything for a guy, and that I am (expletive)ed.
I thought it wasn't going to be that bad, but when he pointed out the place that he took the pictures, and not that we were supposed to be talking there, my gut turned this knot and I started crying and I couldn't stop.
So, I finally got it under control and it was okay, but it really hurt. I thought I was done getting hurt with this stuff, but I guess I'm not.
I fear the pain sometimes, and I fear the vulnerability.
I can't write right now, I will come back later.
Thank you God for my sobriety today.
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Post by victoria on Jul 26, 2007 14:43:27 GMT -5
I feel absolutely horrible.
I went to a place where I ran into the man that just recently sent some p0rn to my PA, and the names that were listed, well a few of those guys were there also.
I thought I could handle it and stay, but I couldn't. I kept getting more and more self-conscious of my body. I realized I could leave, and I did.
Part of me feels like I should have said something to the man, I feel it would be ineffective. But I know how I feel, meeting or not, I feel objectified if I sit there and allow them to leer.
I know what they are doing, and it's rotten, but all I can do is take care of me.
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