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Post by victoria on Jun 3, 2006 10:54:11 GMT -5
Here I go,
I write because I feel better after. I haven't written because, believe it or not, we have been so joined at the hip and in each other's business that there has been no time alone and quiet.
Here I am. There is so much crap in my head.
So I will start with lately. I have started stopping looking for more evidence of more lies. I ask myself why do I need more pain? the lying hasn't ever stopped, and it was admitted that my pa has lied from the beginning about everything. ouch ouch ouch
I feel like I am a stephord wife. Don't think talk feel. Just smile laugh and perpetuate the lie. I dont want to go out in public with him. I don't want to be seen with him, becauseI can't stand the comments and me not saying anything honest.
I have started doing things for myself to take care of my sanity and this was the next logical step.
It has been painful because I have voluntarily and nonvoluntarily given things up or had them leave my life. My friends, jobs, most of all my peace of mind. Before all of this p addiction stuff came into my life, I had worked on alot of my stuff and felt comfortable with who I was. Now I am reclaiming it. My life. I still feel separated from myself. My heart. My soul. My god has been here though, I think that is why I am still alive.
When people see the outside, they dont see the inside. When we are out in public, (we are a lot) it's difficult. I want so bad to have this work, and that is when my pa really "puts on the dog", so to speak. It wasn't until recently that it dawned on me we are both playing parts. I thought he was happier when we were out with people. Now I realize he's perpetuating as much as I am. My pa quotes me incorrectly and lies about what I have done. It all looks so good..........................
"Shiny happy people"
It has taken a LLLLOOOONNNNGGG time for me to admit to my heart that my pa is a liar. I cannot fix this. CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT.
He had the computer worked on a while ago and I don't even know what might be on here. I dont know if there is a key logger, I dont know what he is looking at. I dont know and it hurts so much when I try to find out, I realize that it is me hurting myself with it if I try to search anymore.
Since this is my journal, I can say anything, right? (Decently, I know)
What has been happening now is there are more verbal threats clouded in humor. "I'm gonna come over there and pop you in the nose." Women are always called bi***es on TV if they are assertive. We are now watching shows thats have a lot of nudity on them we didn't watch before. I just get up and leave.
I am doing my best and I guess he is too. Isn't it a little insane to compare our behavior? Just a little...............yikes.
I am leaving now. I really do care, but I am making myself vulnerable to feedback..............
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Post by victoria on Jun 7, 2006 0:55:38 GMT -5
well,
just got some really disappointing news about my health and it is because of my pa. I won't die, but it's pretty loathsome. It's disgusting. There was prior knowledge and I wasn't told until now.
I am so concerned that this person does not care about themselves so much, they don't care about anyone else either. Self-respect? Concern? Addicted and unavailable? How can love come from where love is not allowed to grow?
I feel terrible. Any time that there is some semblance of calm, the carpet gets pulled out from underneath me. I'm writing to prevent blaming me. Is there any kindness in this person?
I feel like a piece of trash that's been tossed aside, and picked up, and then tossed aside again. This is horrible.
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Post by victoria on Jun 9, 2006 14:27:51 GMT -5
hello,
I am writing because I am scared, frustrated, tired, brain is fried, feel helpless, feel lonely.
I got more negative news today and it looks like I am going to be down physically for a while. Really messes up my plans.
Guess I'm not in charge of my life. Oh, wait a minute, when was I ever in charge of my life?
One more time I get to roll with the punches and deal with what God has given to live with. I'm not talking about my pa, I'm talking about my health. I thinkit's time to put the "problem" on the back burner, and address what I am supposed to address.
I have friends that can help me, and God is in my heart, so it will turn out the way it's supposed to, which is what He has in store for me anyway.
At least I'm not leaning on something or someone that is unavailable. I've learned that lesson the hard way, but hopefully, I learned it.
I feel so vulnerable when I am sick, or injured.
I will write later....................
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Post by victoria on Jun 9, 2006 22:37:22 GMT -5
well,
I got off the phone a while ago and I posted some questions for feedback.
Whe I was on the phone to my freind, I told the truth. About everything. I feel like I'm being split in two, because I keep the secrets. Now that my pa is getting "better" and "recovering" he is being honest with our friends, but he is leaving his part out. Lovely.
My hurt and anger are coming out in sarcasm. I do not like being open about personal stuff with anyone that I do not trust. My pa seems to think that as long as it involves him, he can say what he needs to, regardless of me and my feelings. I have no control over that.
I feel so distrustful because I have been lied to so much these last 15 months, it takes heavin moving mountains to get me to open up. But I did tonight and I feel better.
My magical thinking is that "if I am honest, we will be a couple again" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I can't change him, period. I wish I would get that thru my head.
When my pa told me about "our" health problems this week, I felt like crawling under a rock and dying. I wanted to be invisible and just not have to feel anything.
You know, having feelings dosen't kill me, but if I don't allow myself to feel my feelings, I will not be human. Isn't that why we live? to be present and available to life? To pretend that I don't hurt, or am angry, or am whatever, I'm not human. I'm not being honest with myself.
That's the beiggest hurt and the biggest lie-to deny that I feel hurt and then I don't take care of myself. I could be living with a mass murderer and find out, I would say "that's ok", "this isn't that bad", "WE can work on this". What a crock.
The pain in the denial is the acceptance of unkindness, nonlove, fear, lonliness. And thinking that I deserve this on some level. Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ouch.
I will check in later.
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Post by victoria on Jun 11, 2006 21:51:20 GMT -5
am I ever going to be able to finish a sentence?
Can I ever say a complete thought or feeling?
Am I even here?
Is what I say so insignificant that I don't even bear listening to?
I feel like everything I do with you is not good enough. I can't wax my car, I can't plant anything, I can't eat right, what am I to you?
Do you know that you have been completely sarcastic ever since Friday? Do you know that you have the last word on everything? Do I do this to you? I keep asking you what is wrong and you say nothing-why do I keep asking you what is wrong?
When did I find out that it wasn't okay to slam any doors? when you told me it wasn't okay. But I didn't know before-why? Because we don't talk anything out. It was okay for you to do it.
I tell you I want to talk about what happened and not argue, and the minute you feel uncomfortable with what I'm saying, you interrupt and yell and tell me your version. As if that is what happened? Am I not even allowed to have a perception?
What is there to work with if I'm not even here? Oh, I'm the last one in on the joke, right? This isn't about me. It's about you being with you.
That's it - - you are unable to have a relationship with a live, breathing, three-dimensional human. It has to be something that is on a screen or in a magazine. Something that affects you and nothing in return.
It's hard sobering up, isn't it? I'm real, the world is real, and most of all, your feelings,and your soul are real and you are just learning to handle it.
How could you be available for anything? That's why you can't make a decision, or a goal, or be there for anyone else. Not more than three inches deep under the skin, cause you can't handle anything more.
It would be completely selfish of me to expect anymore from you than this, that's where my sickness comes in, I want you for a relationship, and you just can't do that now. You want to, and I know you want to. That's what makes it a horrible cycle that we put each other thru.
When I say leave me alone, I need some time to myself. Or, don't touch me, please go do something with your friends, and you don't, you want to be with me-do you know what that does to both of us? Do I fully understand what I do to us when I say, it's okay, this time it will be different?
I feel we are doing the same thing to each other and this is insane.
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Post by Nick on Jun 11, 2006 22:51:17 GMT -5
Hi Victoria - Your journal speaks to me very strongly as I feel that yours are the feelings of grief, frustration, and anger that my wife expresses about my own lousy behavior as well. Keep strong, and I too will try to do so. Best wishes, Nick
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Post by victoria on Jun 19, 2006 13:27:26 GMT -5
I can't move today to beat the band. I have to have his approval to do anything. Why is that?
I have lost all of my self-esteem. Boy, I used to be assertive and kind and just a whole woman. Now, I am fearful, and sensitive. YUK YUK feel pretty slimy right now.
checking in with myself, need to be alive and thriving, not surviving. Feel like a slug.
Will have a better day tomorrow.
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Post by victoria on Jun 21, 2006 20:17:36 GMT -5
Today was a lovely day!! Rest, relaxation, and lots of talking and laughter.
No checking to see where he is, what he is doing, worrying about what will happen next.
He is a great person, he has helped alot of people, his private life with someone in a one-on-one relationship is just undoable. he has an addiction and that will always come first. period.
I feel great. I can't say that enough.
I don't know what my decision will be, but I am grateful for the break from everything. Thanks God.
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Post by victoria on Jun 22, 2006 23:28:51 GMT -5
Now is not so great. I am scared of the future. I am numb and really don't care about the past.
I do care for him and want to be with him, but it really feels good not to be subjected to what's next? what is the new dilemma? When are one of the "problems" going to pop up again? is he going to meetings? All that stuff is not with me right now, in the way it is when I am in the house with him.
All this stuff is very confusing, will muddle thru.
Going to go pray...............
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Post by victoria on Jul 7, 2006 11:23:24 GMT -5
today I am frustrated. I am rushed and I just want some time for myself.
Busy weekend ahead and I really don't want to be "on" for everyone.
Everything put's me over the edge this morning and yesterday for that matter. i want some privacy and I want some time I said that already.
I am so angry at him that I don't know what to do. Everything is a lie. I have no boundaries and I have no dignity or integrity.
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Post by victoria on Jul 10, 2006 22:40:23 GMT -5
Today I helped a friend and that was great. I felt really good after that. I am frustrated with waiting for answers to come through. Someone dropped the ball last week and now I have to wait for it seems like everyone to decide what my fate is. I have some things that need to ba taken care of and I am in no position except to wait. I have done everything and now I wait.
Looks like I am gong to get my answer either way with what I have to do. I am sad, but that's the way it is.
I am hurt that hhe does not seem to care. He seems very removed. I talk to him and he is positive, but there are no hugs, there is just this response of what about sex? Now that it's important to him, then it's an issue that needs to be addressed. How selfish can you be? that selfish, I guess. It hurts to realize that even with medical problems, he does not care. I am grateful that he lets me stay here, but what if we were married and this happened? Should I be grateful that he is keeping his commitment? He made the agreement, isn't he just carrying out his side?
Why do I feel so beneath him? Why do I see him as better than me? His wants more important? His ideas more necessary?
Why do I think I am less? Aren't my needs (and this is a need) as prioritized as his? He hasn't even offered to pay for anything. He complained when I asked for money for a candy bar this weekend!!!!!
But if he wants to register for another conference, or a restaurant, or gas for a road trip, then it's a different story. I guess if I go, then I am "spending" it also.
When he says something to trigger me lately, and then I get upset, he does not fight anymore. But if I don't get upset, then he tries again, until I do. I don't need this anxiety anymore, not right now. I'm too stressed waiting for some okay of what is going to happen in the next few weeks.
Now we are back to one of his "friends" showing back up in our social lives again. It's like I can't get a break. As soon as I get an answer about what is happening, I will decide what to do.
bye for now.
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Post by victoria on Jul 12, 2006 10:47:22 GMT -5
this morning started off the same, anothe rargument and another silence.
"I can't comprehend what he is saying" I turned around and left. He called later and apologized. Since his friend was hospitalized and he is visiting him he has been out of sorts. I see him crying, and I ask him to talk and if he is okay, and I get pushed away, or some mean joke is said to keep me out.
my medical stuff is a big trigger for him. I gave up on everything yesterday and went for a walk with a friend. Now I have 'chores' to do. I have 'assignments'. I'm not asked if I can do something for him, I'm told.
Yesterday he said he wanted to go out for the weekend. He has been complaing about no money because I'm not working. I said we couldn't afford to go out this weekend, ans he said he has been putting money aside for this. The insanity ensues.
He said my a/c in my car would be fixed, it's not, it's 100+ degrees this weekend, but we can go out because we (he) has money for that.
I am so mad about this.
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Post by victoria on Jul 16, 2006 13:01:00 GMT -5
We go out on the lake yesterday and he listens to this cd about breakups and he plays it twice. He gets real quiet. I don't say anything.
We are coming home and he calls a friend and says we are going to see his friend in the hospital tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and he tells me he is calling the friend to see if he can go woth him to the hospital. Im confused and mad, so I ask him if he is spending the day with his friend. He says yes. and I try to let it go, for about an hour. Then I ask if he wanted me to gotoo. He says yes, he didn't know how to ask me. WHAT?!?!?!?!!?
So, we fight, and he leaves.
Im left here with the pain of everything, but if I go, his flirty friend is there. She always shows up right when I think we can have fun with his other friends. So I quit.
My back hurts, and I have found more singles emails, more victoria's secret emails, more pl***oy and h*****er emails. Great.
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Post by victoria on Jul 21, 2006 10:37:07 GMT -5
How do I feel today? Got some more news about where he has been on the computer and it's getting worse. AdultFF is a hookup place for pelple who want s*x encounters.
A family member has a birthday coming up and now we can't go, becasue he does not want to go. I am so angry I am depressed. I dont want tospend the energy to get angry, it's useless right now.
I have to go in for a medical procedure and I cant waste the energy on this. I will just make sure I can go the next weekend. That is the best I can do.
I am so upset, I don't even want to think about it. (expletive) Life.
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Post by victoria on Aug 23, 2006 10:57:24 GMT -5
I haven't written in here for a while. I haven't felt the need, but the last two days I haven't wanted to write a reply to anyone at the partner's board. I'm making my plans. I am taking my time. Family wants to help and comment, so am letting them. I put up a boundary and explained that I will be going slow, because it is just so much to take in. I feel numb and it really really hurts to do this. That has to be honored. Period. I don't think it will, but am taking that into consideration and am praying about it. I am worried about my behavior, so I called a counselor to start seeing someone. Someone who is specialized in this area. I am so angry and I am not equipped fully to deal with all of this in a mature manner. The business card thing just really amazed me. I feel shameful and that it is a wakeup call for me. I went to my old meeting and I don't feel any better about it. The feeling I get there may change, but I've realized that my recovery isn't dependent on one meeting. It needs a whole lot of meetings, and that is good. I feel like I'm coming into a different view of life and I can't go running back to a meeting, or my family and expect a cure-all for my hurt and what I need to engage back into and enjoy life now. Too much has happened that has changed me. I feel closer to my Guidance now, and that is good. It feels really intimate and that He understands, so I try to listen. I feel that my God is the only one that can understand me perfectly right now, and that I really need to take this into consideration before anyone else. Maybe all this will change after I leave. I don't know. I feel determined to make my own decisions, and yet that is a big warning sign of so much sickness, so that is another reason I pray. But on the other hand, I have learned that making hasty decisions takes years sometimes to correct. BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I hate leaving someone, especially him. My PA is changing his behavior, and you know what? it makes me angrier sometimes, and other times I want to cry, because I know there is a great guy in there. But he's doing it at my expense, I feel. Or is it that my part is I have to honor his program, mind my own business, and speak up for myself and be honest with my feelings and wants and needs? I play games, I manipulate, and I stay behind fear and cry instead of speaking plainly. That's how I feel this morning. But how does that explain: his forgetfulness his inconsiderate behavior his selfishness his anger his dishonesty It doesn't. I could be the most detached, loving, open minded confident person in the world, and that person would leave my PA out of their life, I feel. Most people listen to my PA for a while, and we don't see them very often after that. Also, everything that I have written to other posts is what I need to be applying in my own life. That's another reason I'm going to a counselor. This addiction is bigger and badder than me and my thinking right how. I feel hypocritical not addressing my issues first. Anyway, that's where it is right now. I have such a hard time owning my feelings and not excusing them, or editing them. I feel: scared angry cautious leery negative tired lonely So, I will write my sponsor and say hello. v
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