DeepHealing's Journal

[DeepHealing]

Too tired to write this post properly, but here goes...

Many years ago I met a woman overseas and became good friends ever since. We haven't seen each other in ages, but I think I can honestly say we are fond of each other.

I realised I have had this fantasy that if we were to see each other again we would get together. And, this fantasy was obviously not enough, there is this part of me that thinks, not only that we would get together, but also that we would stay together forever.

I think that this thinking has been a "safety net" for me. I have had so little faith in myself in attracting a woman or in life to provide me the help that I need.

Who knows, maybe we would get together if we saw each other again. But the thinking of "we would stay together forever" comes from this part of me that hates the thought of being single. This part of me wants this reassurance or commitment that I won't have to be single forever.

But I have put this need onto my friend, which is totally out of proportion to the relationship that we have. I guess in my fantasy I want her to say "DH, we would get together, and we will stay together and you will never have to feel unlovable again".

And this has been a hard realisation... if I feel unlovable within myself, no one can make such a promise to me. No one can say to me "you will never feel unlovable again".

So in my fantasy I have wanted something that cannot occur. And this has been a difficult realisation. And it makes me sad.

DH

[larus]

hi Deephealing,
I see you started over with your posts. I imagine because of your concens for privacy. To me it doesn't matter, I am glad you are here and hopefully we can be here for one another like before.
It seems you have come to the right conclusion once again, it is yourself and only you that can make the difference; you cannot make someone else responsible for your happiness.
But this is not the endstation, it is a condition for whatever happens next.
Larus

[DeepHealing]

Hi larus... thanks for your words, I really appreciate it.

I'm crying now like I was the first two weeks after giving up P and MB and sexual fantasy. Now I have given up all these things plus this fantasy about my friend "B".

Now I feel I have absolutely nothing. And boy that is hard! The last few days I have just felt this deep sadness, and this is the first time I have burst into tears about it. I guess they are healing tears...

I was reading this book last night about going into our inner void. It says that sometimes we need to let go of things that don't serve us any more before new and better things can enter our lives. During this time we feel the inner "void". Anyway, I don't know what happens next, but I am definitely feeling the void.

Glad I have this space and a CODA meeting tonight.

DH

[attachment]

Hi DH,
I appreciated reading your thoughts on my journal a few weeks ago and thought I would venture outside of my own journal to see what other people like yourself are experiencing.

Are those things you say really what you feel? They sound like the thoughts of someone who has insight into themself that is unusually strong and accurate. I find it interesting that one can be so accurate in their depiction of their own suffering but yet cannot seem to avoid that very thing they are aware of as a problem.

It is not that I find it unlikely.. I too feel that I have the insight into my own troubled thoughts yet cannot prevent them from occuring. Are we any better off being aware as we are of ourselves? Hopefully..

attachment

[DeepHealing]

Hi attachment... thanks for stopping by

I think we are better off being aware of our pain, even if we are unable to immediately rectify the situations that cause it. Primarily because I believe that over time we are able to handle the situations better.

If we don't have the awareness in the first place, then we will forever repeat the pattern. And if we have the awareness, it gives us the starting point for change.

And I know what you mean... sometimes when we just have the awareness that make things even harder. we can see ourselves going into a painful situation again, but not being able to do anything about it.

There was a nice poem somewhere on this message board about this... someone walking down the street and falls into a ditch, and doing this repeatedly, but over time has both the awareness and the skills to avoid the painful situation. (my version is not as poetic :-) )

DH

[DeepHealing]

Angry about family situations again...

Mum calls me up out of desperation. Uses me as her primary source of emotional support. I tell her that she needs to find external support other than myself. She has justifications about why that isn't "effective".

Angry about some of the expectations she has about other family members. I wonder if some of those expectations have harmed me in my formative years...

Where did the feelings of "no one would ever want to be with me", "I would never be good enough" etc come from?

My parents always saw the worst in each other.

[Stillhopeful]

Hi Deep Healing,

Have you set boundaries around your conversations and interactions with your mum? For example, you could let her know, in writing:

"Mum, if you are going to talk about your upset feelings and be anxious and angry, I will say goodbye and look forward to a happier conversation next time we talk."

It will be your boundary, but it sounds as if you need to take some action. If she comes up with "but who will I talk to about my problems?" you can suggest counselling, but maintain your boundary.

Note: My 20-something daughter does not allow me to talk about my problems to her very often, as she gets upset by them. I accept this limitation and share my problems instead elsewhere, with others who are not affected personally by them. So if my daughter can tell me this and I accept it, you can tell your mum, similarly.

Also, I was sorry to read of your feeling alone and sad. I hope you will reach out to others who will be a source of company and good cheer.

Still

[DeepHealing]

Thanks StillHopeful, or should I say StillHelpful?

Thanks for the suggestion. I guess it boils down to this...

My mum regularly uses me as her primary emotional support
I don't want to be a primary emotional support
I haven't yet told her this

hmmmm...

If I imagine telling her this, what do I expect? I guess there is the part of me that believes that she is weak, and that she does not have emotional resources available to her. That she needs me. How can I not give her what she needs?

These thoughts and feelings stem from childhood, and how even as a child she would cry to me because of her relationship with dad.

I think the first thing for me is to understand this process. From what I read of childhood roles, a child intrinsically knows that it needs its parents for survival. In the caretaker role, it sees that the parent needs emotional support... understanding/care/love

It gives the parent this because it knows the parent needs this, and if the parent get this and is okay, then the child will be okay.

So I guess the first step for me is to affirm to myself what is already true... my well being is not dependent on my mother's well being anymore

DH

[DeepHealing]

I sent an e-mail to my close female friend who lives overseas. We have been planning to play an online game some time together. My inner process goes like this:

Because of various commitments, she is too busy for a few weeks. I therefore feel unimportant. I then feel "well if we ever do meet up again in person, nothing would happen between us". I then feel "it'll never happen for me" (meeting someone, having a relationship)

I then want to act out.

To some part of me, it wanted that when we played this game, that the interactions between us would give me hope. That somehow I would feel "if we do meet up again, we would get together"

So instead of playing a game to have fun with a friend, there is this underlying need of "please show me that you want to be with me"... "please show me that I am lovable".

Over the past week or so I have really been trying to let go of putting this need on to her. But I guess there is a lot more work to do...

DH

[DeepHealing]

I'm just feeling sad and depressed. Over the past couple of months I have let go of P and MB and sexual fantasy. The past couple of weeks I have been letting go of this "relationship fantasy" of this female friend of mine overseas.

I feel I have nothing left.

I know that life changes. I know that life is dynamic -- the problems we face may stay around for longer than we would like, but they don't stay around forever.

But I just have no idea how this area of my life could ever change.

One thing I realised this morning was that at least with these recent changes, I let go of things out of my own choice. Other times in my life, big things were taken away from me in ways that were totally beyond my control.

Hey, at least that is something!

DH

[DeepHealing]

Feeling sad and depressed again. This time I think it is about something else.

I tried to express to my mother last night that I'm not really willing to be her primary support when she is disappointed and angry with dad. I explained to her that after speaking to me for 50 minutes, I then have to spend one or two hours working through the emotions I feel as a result.

She said she hated having to call me that she feels she has no one else. She apologises for the angst it causes me.

When I share that I get external support to help me with the issues I go through (which she already knows), she basically indicates what good would that do her? somehow she feels that if she speaks with me, I will somehow be able to solve the problem better than if she seeks counselling.

So in a nutshell it seemed to me that she was unwilling to change.

And that makes me sad and depressed. I guess my inner child was hoping that she would care enough about me to be willing to change her ways.

And probably part of me also feels that if I am powerless to change the interactions between my mother and myself, how on earth can I change the interactions between women and myself, and hopefully attract someone into my life?

And that causes me great pain

DH

[larus]

hi Deephealing,
sorry you are feeling down, but I must say the things you are writing now are so much more sober than a while ago. I think it is awesome that you talked with your mother and made her aware of the effect it has on you. And it is big of her to apologise. Maybe she is not willing to change, and frustrating as that may be it is totally up to her, but you have given her something to work on.
But I don't understand the last sentence. Would yo care to explain?

[DeepHealing]

Thanks larus...

I'll try and explain

I feel powerless in my ability to attract a woman into my life and establish a relationship.

I feel powerless to effect change in the relationship with my mother.

So I think yesterday I was feeling... if I can't even effect change in relationship with my mother, what hope do I have changing the way women relate to me?

So the feeling inside was essentially... I can't change the relationship with my mother, so I will always be single.

Thanks for making me explain this better... it is really helpful for me to break things down.

I still feel down. I think my inner child needed to believe that if my mum saw that something she was doing was hurting me, she would change immediately. It was really confronting to see that perhaps that is not the case.

What is important for me is to see that I changed. I expressed to her the distress her phone call caused me. And no, that didn't have the immediate effect I was hoping for. but perhaps it is a start.

And also, now that I broke down my thinking into smaller pieces, I realise that I have to separate out the mother issue from the relationship issue. I can't have my feelings of being able to attract a woman being dependent on whether I can resolve things with her or not.

I'm sure there are these connections between these two issues. But maybe the way forward is to separate them when I can. Just a thought.

DH

[DeepHealing]

Feeling a little bit triggered at the moment...

Last night I went out for dinner with some friends. There was a female friend of a friend at the other end of the table, out of talking distance.

She seemed quite attractive, but definitely too young... she was probably 18 or 19, and I am well... late 30s. I'm wondering now if part of being triggered is thinking about how many P sites I used to go to that featured women of that age.

I think the other part of being triggered is emotional... I know she was too young for me... but just the principle of seeing an attractive woman and feeling unable to attract her triggers feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

Anyway, I had a thought the other day about reducing the feelings of being unlovable.

Just because I don't know how to attract women, and just because I don't know how to form relationships, doesn't mean that I am not lovable.

And also:

Being lovable has to be an inmate quality of being human. It can't be something that is dependent on one's skills in attracting a partner.

[DeepHealing]

I haven't been here at all for over two months, and I know that there were a few reasons why I seemed to disappear from here... and it probably is good for me to look into those reasons and work through those issues.

I guess what brought me back here was that I looked at P yesterday. That was the first time in 6 months (or so)... there were strong emotional triggers, and I did think of coming here instead, but I sort of felt that I have left this place, I didn't feel really comfortable just come back and sharing. (not sure if I would be "welcome")

Anyway, I guess I am here to open up that space again... that if I think it would be helpful for me to be here and share, to give myself that opportunity. Maybe that will be today, maybe next week, maybe in three months...

Anyway, just wanted to "dip my toe in again"

Deep