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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 20, 2007 3:28:47 GMT -5
Feeling a little bit triggered... I left a message for a woman that I have met a couple of times and really enjoyed her company... a couple of moments where I really felt a sweet connection, but I am quite sure that she is not interested in me in a romantic sense... and so internally I go through "she is not interested in me"... "no one is interested in me"... "no one will ever be interested in me"... "that is too hard a reality to face"... "I want an escape from that reality"... "fantasy/MB will make me feel good"...
The good thing is that I understand the internal sequence quite well, and I also believe that I am going through a healing process during which time the horrible feelings that somehow are buried within me are coming to the surface... I am being more proactive in trying to meet someone, which is an achievement in itself, and that it is hard to imagine through my efforts and through my healing, that I will not make it...
Maybe I should rephrase that to be slightly stronger... I can't imagine that I will not succeed... I can't imagine that I will not meet someone... maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not next month... but it will happen. And I do believe that the universe is trying to help as much as possible... deep healing does take time, but I do trust that it is happening as fast as is possible.
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 21, 2007 19:14:41 GMT -5
Feeling a little bit triggered... I spoke to one woman yesterday that I met a couple of times and had quite a sweet connection with, and although it was a nice/fun/interesting conversation (for the most part), I never got the feeling that she would have wanted me to ask her out for coffee.
So I feel a little sad... one more to cross off the list, and that underlying question "when will it happen for me? When will there be someone here for me?", and the automatic assumption of... "never". There were also a couple of women that I approached through this Internet dating site, with no response after a few days, which also adds to the sense of "it'll never happen for me".
On the positive side, I don't necessarily believe that my inner negativity about myself will be here forever. It has been with me for a long time, and maybe it will be with me for a while longer... but perhaps I feel positive that over time my negativity will shift, and that over time I will see myself and relationships in a new light.
Deep (day 4)
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Post by DeepHealing on May 1, 2007 18:50:30 GMT -5
I slipped, then I slipped again, and then I slipped again. That brings me up to date. The first was MB, the second was fantasy/MB, the third was P/MB. I can't remember exactly what the triggered the first time was, but because it was just MB and not fantasy, I was left unsatisfied in some way. What I needed in the fantasy was someone to say that "I am okay"... and it seemed that there is this belief inside along the lines of "if someone is being sexual with me, then I must be okay". So the second time the fantasy/MB came from a need for connection, a need to be sexual, and a need to hear someone externally say "Deep, it is okay to be sexual... it is okay to have sexual desires and needs, you are okay as a human being... I am happy to be sexual with you".
This was the background to the slip a few days ago. And I don't feel so bad about it, now that I have written this out... I have understood something about me that is natural and human, and what I want over time is to transform this to where I innately know all these things that were implicitly said in the fantasy. That I deeply know that it is okay for me to be a sexual being, that is okay for me to have sexual desires and sexual needs, that I am okay (or more than OK) as a human being, and that at the right time, someone will come along them will want to be sexual with me.
So back to day 0 I go
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Post by larus on May 2, 2007 2:28:39 GMT -5
deephealing, just dropping by to say hi. It is good to see you make progress. This was the background to the slip a few days ago. And I don't feel so bad about it, now that I have written this out... I have understood something about me that is natural and human, and what I want over time is to transform this to where I innately know all these things that were implicitly said in the fantasy. That I deeply know that it is okay for me to be a sexual being, that is okay for me to have sexual desires and sexual needs, that I am okay (or more than OK) as a human being, and that at the right time, someone will come along them will want to be sexual with me. what strikes me in the last bit is, you recognize your own value, you appreciate yourself, and it does not depend on another person's opinion. That seems to me fundamental for growing as a person. Best to you Niels
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Post by DeepHealing on May 8, 2007 6:20:29 GMT -5
Thanks for dropping by larus... always nice to hear from you
Just feeling a little down at the moment... a few of the women that I have tried to make contact with through the dating site haven't replied, and one of the women who gave me her phone number wanted to take a rain check about meeting.
And I take it all very personally... each time I make the effort and get "rejected" some part of me takes as evidence that I am not worthy or lovable. It goes "see... they didn't respond because I am unworthy, I am unlovable".
I could make more of an effort and approach more women... hey, some of this is just a numbers game, but right now it feels that the best approach is to sit with the negative feelings and let go. Sort of acknowledge that I have done the best that I can (for the moment), and let go.
Having faith right now would be saying " my Higher Power knows what is best to me... if I am going through this series of rejections, then that is what must be best for me". Having the deep self negative feelings come to the surface is an opportunity for healing. It is a healing that is possible only through rejection... not through success! It is an opportunity for me to have more self-love and self belief. I should continue to look for the opportunity in the rejection rather than seeing it as evidence of being unlovable.
Okay Higher Power, I am sad, I feel down, and a little bit despairing, but I let go and I am willing to see the opportunities in the rejection.
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Jul 17, 2007 20:14:06 GMT -5
I had a rough couple of months... all the bad feelings that I was writing about above, really bashing myself up over a missed opportunity, and then getting totally overwhelmed by some work situations and totally crashing emotionally.
The overwhelming feelings were too much, and I shut down and got depressed. But I am starting to feel better, starting to feel stronger, and starting to feel able to heal the trauma underlying the overwhelming feelings. This is a good thing, but obviously takes a lot of strength, courage, wisdom and support.
During this period I returned to P/MB/fantasy. I can't say that I got much sexual satisfaction from this, but I guess it helped me feel better in some way during a time of overwhelm and depression.
But now that I am feeling better and stronger, I want to let go of some of these habits that don't help me with what I really want... true intimacy and emotional healing.
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Aug 25, 2007 6:56:24 GMT -5
I feel this overwhelming sadness and grief right now. I wish I could just cry and let it out.
It's not just that I am single, and have been for so long, it's that I feel that trying to meet someone is the equivalent of trying to climb a mountain... not necessarily Mount Everest, but definitely up there.
And here I am, probably not even at base camp. And I feel sad that this "thing" that I want, is seemingly so distant and so elusive. That I feel so totally totally powerless at trying to create it in my life. I make the effort that I make, seemingly with little result.
I feel so pathetic even writing this, but I know that I really watch these events... I wrote to one woman on this Internet dating site, and no response. Another one, we sent a few e-mails backwards and forwards, and then she said she wouldn't mind meeting up for coffee, but I am shorter than she is, and she is looking for someone taller than herself. I replied being quite funny (I thought) about her height issues, offering to meet up for coffee, and she hasn't even read the e-mail for a couple of days now.
As I write this, the feeling I have is one of hopelessness... part of me that watches these events, taking as evidence that "it will never happen for me". This part of me that wants to take this as "proof" that I am unlovable or that I am not worthy, or that I will never establish a relationship with someone, or more accurately that no one would want to be in a relationship with me.
I do fill silly writing this stuff down, but I know that it helps me... another woman that I have met through friends, is going overseas in a couple of days time... I spoke to her a week ago saying that it would be nice to catch up before she goes away, and she said that she wasn't sure if it was going to be possible, but she would give me a call...
And I can see that part of me is acutely aware that she hasn't rung. I did have a lot of fun with her at a friend's wedding, and another party I was sharing something a bit personal and she squeezed my arm and it just felt wonderful. I guess I have had such little female contact that on the rare occasion that it happens, I just get triggered into wanting more, and then there is the inevitable disappointment that follows.
And then there are the feelings of loneliness and hopelessness and that triggers the P/fantasy/MB cycle.
I guess I have wanted more success with Internet dating... just even if it was going out on first dates more regularly... I think it would just make me feel that I have made it to "base camp"... that is the funny thing of life, we never know how tall the mountains are that we are meant to climb. We don't know if the summit is just around the next corner, or if it will take 3 lifetimes to get there.
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 12, 2007 21:09:00 GMT -5
I haven't been here for months, and you know what that means... P and MB.
A couple of years ago when I started here I went for a period of 3 months without P/MB. At times it was easy, at times it took absolutely everything that I had and that I was so close to slipping. It forced me to be open at least in this space about what was truly going on inside... and to work through the feelings and triggers before slipping. Like I said, at times it took absolutely everything that I had.
And then I slipped... it was during some really full on family situation, and I slipped... very understandable given the extreme nature of what was happening. But then I slipped again... and slipped again... and then the cycle of P/MB/fantasy/being alone continued...
I know I am changing in some ways... I have been chronically long-term single with little belief or self-confidence that I would ever meet someone. And although in terms of my emotional makeup this is still quite significant, I think I am starting to believe that it is possible... I might be starting to believe that there is someone out there for me, and I would have the capacity to attract that person into my life.
And I have no idea what healthy sexuality is... or what healthy sexuality is for a single man. Perhaps the question isn't what "is healthy", but rather "what is healthier for me?". Sometimes I feel lost between various therapists essentially saying that P/MB "is okay", and another therapist years ago that said "this is an addiction... you need to go to 12 step meetings, and make 3 outreach calls every day".
I imagine myself go into 12 step meetings, and someone finding out about it... and being filled with shame or embarrassment. I imagine trying to meet someone and this imaginary woman finding out, and I can't imagine anyone understanding. Or anyone wanting to be with me if I needed the support of a 12 step meeting.
Perhaps if I look back at the period where I stopped for 3 months there is some feeling of going through it alone... although I received support from this board, in some respect I feel I was alone... I couldn't share this with anyone. I don't know if it would be beneficial for me or not, but I didn't tell family or friends.
I don't have any structure that tells me that fighting this is a worthwhile endeavour. I don't have a social structure with friends fighting other addictions, or a religious structure that I want uphold. Or a partner where I can see the negative effect on her. I do an affirmation sometimes... "I hand over my love life and sex life to my high power". That is all.
It feels like I'm making a choice between being single for the rest of my life and never having any sexual interaction, or having some sort of sexual activity through P/MP/fantasy and on the rare occasion, going for some sort of paid experience.
My therapist who has been absolutely amazing in many areas of my life may or may not be the right person to help me in this area. She sees that repression is not the answer, and although I didn't ask her explicitly, she seemed to equate the 3 months having been abstinent as repression.
I don't think repression is the answer either. But I am quite sure there are times when I use P/MB because I don't want to deal with what I feel. Or that I am in some negative space about life, and don't care.
Anyway, probably enough for now. Last night I used P/MB and this morning fantasy/MB... and what ever it was I hoped to get from it I didn't.
I ask for guidance from my higher power... "what is healthier sexuality for me?"
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 13, 2007 19:34:48 GMT -5
Will I am back here today... Day 1 (yesterday was day 0)
I am feeling a little bit triggered from an episode of Medium last night... illicit sex was part of the story line, and I do get triggered by it. There is some part of me that thinks "illicit/wrong/bad/etc sex is better than none". A part of me wants to go into the P/MB/fantasy sequence. It doesn't feel that strong though, and I'm feeling reasonably safe from slipping.
I have also been noticing that I need to find my own answers to all of this... the first time I came across the idea that P/fantasy/MB was an addiction was from a group therapist about 10 years ago. And basically she wanted me to go to 12 step meetings, and make 3 outreach calls a day... but what has stayed with me from that time was the feeling that somehow I was wrong in my behaviour... or that I "needed" to do what she advised... and that feels painful.
And even though she might have given me good advice and open my eyes to something, I feel the need to let go of the feeling that it caused me... I need to go back in time and in my own mind say things to her "you might be right... you might be opening my eyes to something that I wasn't even remotely aware of... but P/fantasy/MB is all that I have... I don't have anything in the real world... this is all I have... and right now I don't have the capacity to go to 12 step meetings three times a week and make 3 outreach calls every day... I am unable to do that... and I have to find a way to love myself as I am now... accept myself as I am now, even though I have these negative beliefs and behaviours and feelings about myself... I have to love myself as I am now... and maybe you are right, and maybe there will come a time when I am better capable to address what you are talking about. But I have to find my own way. I have to find my own answers. Not because you said something to me, but because it is true for me and that I am able to address it "
I ask my higher power "what is healthier sexuality for me?"
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 19, 2007 5:37:19 GMT -5
Day 7, and I'm feeling really crap... it started last Friday when I had replied to someone on Internet dating site, and there was no response. And without going into the boring details, I have tried more than I had previously. I had tried more, and still nothing! And that is a trigger to a sense of worthlessness. And then the next day, I went to a party and was getting on reasonably well with someone, and she left to get a drink... never to return. And I don't think it was a trigger to a sense of abandonment, rather it was like it was saying to me "that is all you will get, that is all you will ever get... you don't deserve any more... you aren't worth any more".
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 20, 2007 17:39:28 GMT -5
Day 7 turned into day 0. There was an unexpected visual trigger, but basically I couldn't stand how lousy I felt about myself any more. It was probably 5 days straight that I felt really down, unlovable and with the horrible worthlessness feelings. I didn't use P but rather fantasy/MB. and then I felt good... perhaps for a day, I felt good. But now I feel crap again. I was meant to have lunch with a female friend of mine, and she cancelled... again... that might have been the trigger... don't know.
I find it really hard to express in the normal world what I feel... that at times I feel these strong feelings of worthlessness, that I feel horrible about myself and that deep down I assume that no woman wants to be with me because I am worthless.
I ask my higher power for the courage to ride through these feelings, and the wisdom and guidance to transform these feelings and to learn about true self worth.
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