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Post by DeepHealing on Nov 30, 2006 17:19:47 GMT -5
I don't know if I am at back at this site temporarily or longer term, but thought it would be helpful to share a couple of things to help me stay clean today
bumped into an attractive woman living in my block of apartments yesterday and chatted for a little while. This is a fair trigger for me... for so many years I had a very strong pattern of fantasising to an image of a woman even if we only had a very minimal connection.
then last night I went out with some friends, and that was slightly triggering as well. There were a few new people at the dinner, but no potential partners. Then I go into my "I'm making an effort to meet people, to meet a woman, but nothing happens". And then I start to feel some hopelessness "well I am doing the best that I can", then I feel slightly down about myself that somehow I am not good enough, and in this negative absolute works into my mind "well I will never meet anyone". and that is also a trigger.
and then I noticed how I sexualised the waitress, and the wife of a friend of mine.
(feeling somewhat depressed having written this... perhaps it is showing me how unhealthy I am)
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 1, 2006 6:31:30 GMT -5
I had dinner with family tonight, which was difficult for me. my mother keeps wanting to have a deeper connection with me than I want to have with her. She keeps wanting to share more about herself than I want to know all in one go. I don't tell her this. I let her continue talking even though it grates against me. I don't know how to say "too much detail", I don't know if I am afraid that she will cut off completely if I be direct. I respond by cutting off in other ways.
But I didn't feel the need to cut off from what I was feeling... frustration, annoyance, ambivalence etc. And this is a good thing. I don't feel triggered by the situation, but I thought I would be proactive and post.
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 2, 2006 18:20:52 GMT -5
I woke up in "yellow danger zone"... wanting to act out with MB and possibly fantasy. I was feeling somewhat sad and disappointed. The day before I did a workshop and I guess I was hoping that it would make me feel strong and invincible. And although I'm glad I did it, and it was beneficial, it didn't leave me feeling this way. And the powerlessness says "things will never change, things will never get better, this is all that there ever will be" and I guess the implicit assumption that "therefore, I will never meet anyone".
Staying clean for me means choosing to feel my sadness, choosing to feel my disappointment, choosing to work with my powerlessness. Saying to my powerlessness "things will never change"! What nonsense! Look how much has happened in this year alone! Look how many experiences we have had this year alone which we could not have expected! "This is all that there ever will be"... again, what nonsense!
The hardest one though is "therefore, I will never meet anyone"... that belief inside that if I don't get better, if I don't improve, if I don't become this perfect human being, no one would ever want to be with me is a strong one.
So I choose to feel my negative emotions. I choose to be my wise self (if only for a moment) and find faith in myself and faith in Life. Today I choose to not act out and deprive myself of this opportunity.
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Post by otto9176 on Dec 3, 2006 2:07:14 GMT -5
Hey Deephealing I was reading some of your entries and I really wanted to post because what the powerlessness voice says to you, says the same exact thing to me. Just reading it brought tears to my eyes. When I get hopeless like that, that feeling that nothing will ever change, then I give in without a fight. I also have the same outlook you have in never meeting anyone. That voice of hopelessness is extremely dangerous.
Try to keep the hope inside of you alive. We never know what might happen. We're not fortune tellers so we cant put too much stock in what the powerlessness voice says that "things will never get better, this is all that there ever will be." Talk to you later DeepHealing.
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 3, 2006 17:13:27 GMT -5
Thanks for the post otto... it is appreciated. And you are right... I'm not a fortuneteller, and neither is my "powerless voice".
I was just thinking that what if I really put everything into recovery... my heart and soul and really stayed clean. What if I actually started to work the steps at my CODA meetings? What if I actually went to SLAA as well? And then the sadness hits... "even then I wouldn't be good enough"... and implicitly "I wouldn't be good enough for someone".
The truth is I don't really know where such a strong sense of worthlessness came from. Somehow I must have a different framework to view my "worth". I can't keep having such an impossibly high bar from which to judge everything. If I laze around and do nothing, I'm not good enough. If I do everything that I can do, I'm still not good enough. Aaaargh.
How do I break this cycle?
Day 7
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 5, 2006 17:29:34 GMT -5
I woke up and I was in the "yellow danger zone"... being in bed at that time is not good. But I was watching my thoughts, and they were mainly around work-related stress. Uncertainty about my present job, and what might be required of me. On one hand I might lose my job, on the other hand I might be placed into a situation where I might be forced to perform beyond my capabilities. And that brings fear... the fear that I will be "forced" into a situation... and something inside wants to collapse when it thinks about that.
Made it through without acting out. The benefit of pursuing no P/MB is that it forces me to identify what is going on inside. it forces me to be "true to myself" whatever is going on. Hard sometimes, but presumably a worthwhile pursuit.
Day 9
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Post by larus on Dec 5, 2006 17:47:48 GMT -5
hi DeepHealing, just saying hello and welcome back. Hope you are doing ok. Niels
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Post by jake123 on Dec 5, 2006 19:14:19 GMT -5
Deephealing it is good to see you back. I've not had a keyboard for two months until past couple days. I'm so glad to have one now. I was reading just this page of posts here and relate on so many levels. Fending off or trying new ways to frame my thoughts or voices in my head that tell me there is no hope for me..even if I change lots of things about me I won't be good enough.. Blahh..it is hard but yes worthwhile. You say alot in a short paragraph and I really am helped by reading here--so thanks a whole bunch! ---------------------------------------------------------- I wanted to say about your Mom sharing too much detail..you probably know this since you mention CODA..but man, this is such a big time boundary thing. It is Great you kept touch with your feelings while she talked on. Imagine one day what it will be like to tell her it is great to spend time and talk yet there are times you need to not hear certain of details. And be able to deal with the possibility it will be uncomfortable --hell, even to be abandonded by her--and you will KNOW you are OK regardless. I've been thru loads of (expletive) with family and I used to let all things slide due to wanting to have their company and not wanting to ever rock the boat. Man these past couple years I've done some serious boat rocking, because I reached the point where I was worth more. Please forgive if I am over--stepping on this issue by what I say. I only want to convey I think our own selves are so short changed at times when we are worth more. That goes for all things not just family boundaries. ---------------------------------------------------------- You also mention Slaa and I go. I used to be a horrible love/relationship/addict to the point of feeling suicidal. I've made tons of progress due to that program. I am single still and also have the negative voices saying I always will be but hell if I know. As someone else said I think, we are not fortune tellers. What I DO know for me is I WILL stay isolated and alone if I continue acting out, that is a fact. Anyway I am so glad you posted. It got me thinking about things and helped me alot. Keep up the good work! ---jake
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 6, 2006 18:07:48 GMT -5
Last night I was just feeling horrible. Which I have been a lot lately. It always helps me when I am able to identify more about a feeling... whether it be sadness, anger or shame. But when I feel the "horrible feelings", I really have trouble identifying what I mean by "horrible"... is it shame? Is it hatred? Is it shame I have about myself? Is it carried shame? Is it my hatred? Is it hatred towards myself... is it self-loathing? Is it hatred projected externally... about the outside world?
But in any case this is a strong trigger... I feel crap about myself... p/mb makes me feel good... do the math! I was close to being in the red danger zone this morning when I woke up. The addict voice urging me on... "let's do it"... me wondering, "why not"... in the end somehow I managed to decide "I want more than this"... I want more than fantasy/MB
But I'm definitely not out of the danger zone yet.
Hello to you too, Niels! Nice to hear from you...
And thanks for the great feedback Jake... and glad to hear you have a keyboard now :-)
I'm sorry is that you have similar thoughts/feelings... but I do appreciate you writing it. It makes it easier for me to see how deeply wrong these thoughts and feelings are... when I see you write "even if I change lots of things about me I won't be good enough", I just think... what a courageous man... trying to improve yourself... trying to change yourself... what do you mean if you succeed you won't be good enough? What nonsense! And even if you don't succeed, how courageous for trying... how courageous to give it everything you have.
And maybe I should adopt this viewpoint towards myself when I think and feel that I am not good enough :-)
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Post by spottop on Dec 7, 2006 2:14:27 GMT -5
DH, I just wanted to drop by to say hello. I seem to be spending hours here which is a good thing because who knows what else I might be accessing. Stay strong and do your best to stay out of the "red zone." I struggle with that too, before bed and when I wake up. Take care and God Bless, spottop
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 7, 2006 17:19:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the encouragement spottop
But I slipped, MB not P. The thoughts and feelings that were saying "life can't change" "I can't change" etc etc won the battle.
Feeling a little sad, a little upset...
Not in a particularly expressive mood right now.
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Post by jake123 on Dec 7, 2006 19:26:34 GMT -5
Hey Deep, I know that let down feeling from a slip. At least you didn't use porn though! It's worse when I do both cuz there is more to try to clean outta my head later. Just get back on the horse and keep trotting along. You are so worth it. You are a good person. Keep up the good work on feelings. You are learning and all is not lost. Far from it actually. Forgive yourself and renew. I have 7 days. Thank God. It has taken me awhile to get here though. Just don't give up. My friend Nick says it is a battle but not a losing or lost one as long as we keep trying. I echo that to you now. Thanks for being here and sharing! --jake
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Post by jake123 on Dec 8, 2006 16:28:33 GMT -5
Hi Deep, thanks for coming by my journal. And big congrats on the changed mindset regarding blood draws!!! I'm gonna use that thought about "These people are trying to help me" I like that a lot. Man it DOES feel like being attacked!! I had to smile at that part. I have just been totally phobic about it for awhile. People who don't fear it often ask if it is the pain I fear. It is not. It is just psychologically stressful because of some irrational link I have with it--being out of control--feeling like something is being taken away--(and I suppose it is since they are taking blood)..but anyway it is more than that. I think it is trust--or no trust to be exact. I am so glad we have been able to make some progress! I told myself I would get through it last week because "this is what adults do". In a way talking to the part of me who is young and afraid and never got consistent assurance that I would survive things. I am really glad you could relate. ------------------------------------------------------ As far as the old girlfriend--yeah man it hurts to have gotten so excited and now feel a tad strung out (love addiction rears it's head, painful, ache). What is good about it, besides your kind words, and Nick's, is that I am NOT using over it. I'm an alcoholic sober since 9/28/83. I was just 3 years sober when she and I got into the relationship. I have learned alot thru AA and Slaa that is making this bearable. I really get it when you say wer have to the work and all that--we do. But I also get that it's ok to hope for or envision what we would like to be like and who we would like to be with ata healthier point. I really appreciate that you sent me that wish and for yourself too. Hell we are human!!! I hope your day is good so far. Again, many thanks for being here. your pal, --jake
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 10, 2006 17:45:44 GMT -5
Thanks for stopping by Jake... it's nice to have you here.
I haven't written much in my journal over the past couple of days... and I think it is because I am unclear within myself about refraining from MB.
I think deep down in my soul, I know that using P has to be out. It is not good for me to have all those images in my mind. And I know that in the past, I have used fantasy and MB so that I wouldn't have to feel my feelings, and to feel the deep loneliness and isolation. So now that I know this, I don't want to use MB for this purpose...
But sometimes I feel that there is this part of me that, this sexual part of me, that would feel totally ignored and totally unwanted, if I don't MB. Hence my dilemma... I don't want this part of me to feel that I don't care... that I have given up on it... that I am ignoring it... and I think that sometimes the MB is saying to my sexuality "I am not ignoring you" etc etc... maybe this is all funny thinking. But perhaps no P but allowing MB is the best that I can do for now.
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Post by jake123 on Dec 10, 2006 18:25:43 GMT -5
Hey man, every one defines sobriety their own way and go thru cjhanges and alterations as time goes by, adding new things to 'get sober' from, and sometimes dropping things that don't work right then, all this re: Mb. I understand totally about how do we have a healthy sexuality and not touch or affirm ourselves. Well, for me only, if I try that (and I have..and essentially for the same reawsons you listed), it always eventually leads to fantasy that is not good for me and then back to P to feed more fantasy. I knowe it is a tired line but for me true. I am trying to embrace myaself as a sexual being and I know the abstinence part is because I need to learn more about me as a sexual being. I don't have to Mb to do this, but it is tempting and I also have thta fear that I am negating myself by abstaining. However I know I am still alive and well "down there" most times and it's worth it tom me to stay mb free because I need the time to learn how to unhook my mind from unhealthy thoughts about sex. I don';t see it as a punishment, more of a needed discipline--which I hope I can internalize as ultimately self-care. If that makes any sense. I hear ya though! Glad to be here. I'm off to go make coffee for my AA homegroup, see ya soon, --jake
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