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Post by larus on Mar 29, 2006 3:17:10 GMT -5
hello Deephealing, that was a really long break (and I thought I had a long break). What happened in those days? How are you doing? Niels
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 5, 2006 5:14:30 GMT -5
Hello larus... thanks for asking
The last two months, I guess I have been looking at other aspects of my sexuality... up till then (since I started frequenting this support board) I had taken the view that both P and M were compulsive behaviours for me, and tried to direct attention towards stopping that behaviour... then there was the first time back in January where despite my absolute best efforts, the emotional triggers through family situations were too strong, and I used M.
Then a few days later, I had this really great connection with this woman I am very sexually attracted to. It was just a phone conversation, but we had this amazing openness through humour, and then she started all this sexual innuendo... innuendo from a woman I am sexually attracted to was too much so... M... this pattern has happened a number of times.
Then there have been other sexual issues that I have started to become more honest about, and have been trying to work on. And this is hard because there is only really a point in working through these issues if I ever have a sexual relationship, and my mindset has always been so negative about this.
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 5, 2006 5:16:31 GMT -5
Feeling triggered to M at the moment... I guess it is a combination of visual stimulus today... and emotional stuff as well.
The feeling is one that I have identified on previous occasions... why shouldn't I engage in fantasy/M? And it comes from this negative belief of "well, I will never meet anyone, I will never create a sexual relationship with anyone, so what is the big deal about fantasy/M... I don't have anything else"
Perhaps this feeling has been triggered because lately I have tried more than any recent time to meet someone... and I should be really pleased with my efforts, even though nothing has eventuated... I just feel like such a beginner... such a teenager...
Like on Friday night I went to a party, and had a really good time with one of the women there... I didn't feel confident enough to ask for her phone number, so obviously nothing will eventuate... so now I figure that I have to teach myself how to overcome that insecurity and find ways to ask for phone numbers in a way that feels comfortable for me. Okay great (sarcasm)... I actually feel moderately confident that I can overcome this barrier, and that in future situations I might feel able to get someone's contact details
So the negative part inside me, goes great (sarcasm again)! Maybe in a few weeks or months I might learn how to get phone numbers from women I am interested in in party situations. then what... then down the track, maybe I will meet someone at a party, feel that we are getting on well, ask for her phone number, and then perhaps go out once... then the negative part of me goes, well we will go out once and nothing will happen.
Thanks for reading... I feel a little better now
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 6, 2006 9:07:56 GMT -5
Well I made it through yesterday... it actually was quite hard, but identifying and expressing what I was feeling really helped.
Today I was feeling quite sad... over the past few days I have been thinking that I should try to be more active in meeting someone. Go on some of the speed dating type events, maybe Internet dating... so much of the P/fantasy/M has been out of loneliness and being single. Those activities gave me "someone"... and abstinence from those activities isn't what is the end goal... I guess the end goal is meeting someone... or the end goal is having a healthy attitude about the possibility of meeting someone.
And so much of my attitude is negative... "it couldn't happen for me" etc etc... so the past few days I have thought maybe I should get more active in meeting someone, and I have a lot of internal barriers to that which I must work through. I mean, when I meet someone through my normal activities that I like, I do make an effort, I do try to the best extent I can do "make something happen". So far none of my efforts have led to a relationship.
But I don't meet that many women through friends etc... so I started thinking about being more proactive. And that is so hard for me... I have so much shame about having a disability, that I would go to some singles function, and someone would make me feel so ashamed for having a disability and still wanting to meet someone. That is my fear... I fear the shame, and I need to find ways to reduce the fear, or find ways to say that the possibility of a relationship is worth the possibility of the shame.
Anyway, today I was just feeling sad... like I have an expectation that I will start to be more proactive in meeting women, the expectation that I will go through a lot of pain in the process... and the expectation that nothing will come of it. So that made me sad.
I think I was also sad today because I knew that this evening I would probably catch up with a female friend of mine that I am quite attracted to. The past few times I have seen her, there has been a lot of innuendo. I really enjoy the interactions with her (not just the innuendo), but nothing happens between us... but in the process I have been quite turned on... and I end up M. I have sort of justified the M because I think... this is a real interaction with a real woman, so if I end up M, that is okay.
But today I was thinking that realistically, even with all the innuendo and anything slightly physical, nothing will happen between us, and even though I may be turned on by the interaction, I probably don't want to M. And the reason is, the M comes from a space which says "this interaction is the best I will ever get... some sexual innuendo etc etc", and I don't want to give in to that attitude. I don't want to believe the that is all I will ever get.
I want to believe that even though being chronically single has been the case for most of my adult life, that it is possible for this to change. It is possible for me to heal. It is possible for me to develop a normal healthy relationship with a woman. I don't want to give in to the M, because that is saying "this is all I will ever get".
Deep
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Post by frank24 on Apr 18, 2006 22:20:23 GMT -5
Hi DH, I hope you're still around from time to time. I've been away from the board for about two months and people often seem to come and go. I'm glad you're still here. I know how hard it is to cross the barrier I seem to have setup between women and myself even if it would seem to be in appropriate circumstances. Remember that baby steps come before giant leaps for mankind. Did you take that "chronically single" expression from me? I think that previously, being single was perfectly fine by me but know I want something more. It may not happen tomorrow but I'm sure that it will happen in the future. Frank
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 18, 2006 23:14:47 GMT -5
Hi Frank
Thanks for stopping by... I'm not sure if I got the "chronically single" expression from you or not! I've just started using it over the past 4 months or so... so maybe I read it in one of your posts and it slipped in subconsciously! And thanks for the reminder about "baby steps"... important stuff
Right now feeling somewhat triggered...
I've realise that "nothing will happen" with one woman that I am very attracted to. So this is quite a trigger for me... it goes straight to my "M and fantasy is all I will ever get" way of thinking.
And I've started to be fairly attracted to another close female friend that I have known for a long time. And I have started to recognise the fears that I have about starting a relationship... I feel so scared about forming a relationship and not knowing where it ends up. My parents stayed together in a horrible relationship for many many years longer than was healthy, and my fear is that I would do the same.
I fear that if I start a relationship that ends going bad, and somehow I would be trapped. That somehow I would not be able to extricate myself from the situation. And this comes from a habitual powerlessness way of thinking. it's like I want some sort of guarantee that everything is going to be "perfect", which of course it can't be. But that is what part of me wants... part of me wants some sort of guarantee that I won't end up like my parents.
I guess my inner child wants to make sure that I never again go through the dysfunction and the fighting that I went through as a child. I'm sure as a child one of my coping mechanisms was imagining myself as an adult and having a perfect relationship with my wife, where all the days were sunny and bright.
So here I am as an adult... "chronically single"... realising that I am scared of forming relationships (even though that is what I feel that I want), because what happens if it goes bad? There are no guarantees in life. I could start a relationship (assuming that my friend is interested), and have absolutely no idea where it goes.
And I hate that lack of control. I hate not being in control. I don't normally consider myself to be a controlling person, but I'm starting to realise in terms of starting a relationship... I hate not knowing where it ends up. I hate not having control.
Deep
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Post by larus on Apr 19, 2006 8:57:09 GMT -5
hi DeepHealing, the last bit you wrote is essential I believe.
Being chronically single myself there will be a lot related to my own control issues in these ramblings. I hope you don't mind.
This is about letting go of control. With giving away control you have a recipe for growing. Giving away control is not the same as giving away responsibility. You are still responsible for your own actions. By giving away control you open yourself up for new ways.
But you are not responsible for the actions of other people. Not if they are grown ups anyway. It must be a leap of faith, entering a relationship. But healthy people can create healthy relationships. This depends on the love that the partners invest in it, not the degree of planning or control. And this love can only be the expression of people's own actions, which is the only territory they have any measure of control over.
So what I am saying is, imho giving away control and still being responsible for yourself is the key. It must also be the key for anyone's contribution to a relationship.
Niels
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Post by DeepHealing on Jun 14, 2006 7:49:26 GMT -5
Okay... I haven't been here at all for about two months. For this post, I just want to share this immediate moment, and leave some of the background for other posts.
I have connected with some really deep and powerful anger inside. When I say "connected with it", I only really mean that I know that anger is there. I can touch the surface of it. But I cannot connect with it to its full extent, because it is just so powerful. Maybe I need to go on some sort of "anger retreat", somewhere away from everything, where I can have the space and permission to really connect with this anger fully and completely. To give it the opportunity to be expressed and released. To help me into the next phase of healing.
But in the meantime, I notice that I was feeling some compulsive M... like I cannot let myself connect with the powerful anger right now, so let me M it away...
But I don't want to M from a compulsive space... it is not good for me to do that... I want to create a sexual relationship with a loving woman, and compulsive M does not help me.
So God, I hand over my deep and powerful anger to you... help me find a way to connect with it in healthy ways and release it. I don't want to use M as a release valve.
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Post by larus on Jun 15, 2006 3:07:09 GMT -5
hey DeepHealing, you are not one for giving up are you. Just glad to see you back.
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Post by DeepHealing on Jun 18, 2006 22:04:30 GMT -5
I'm feeling pretty crappy at the moment.
There is a sequence of events that led me here.
I have a chronic pain condition, and I have been trying many different techniques over many years to try and help me. The past 4 or 5 months has seen new life in this endeavour, and last week saw this enormous spurt of improvement over a few days, that I have not experienced for a very long time.
But then, after a few days, the spurt of improvement sort of collapsed. And I'm once again very limited in my strength. The collapse comes from a deep space of inner trauma, which so far I don't have a very good handle on. Accompanying this collapse was a great deal of agitation and aggravation. And although, the physical strength that I had access to over those few days was amazing, the feeling that I am left with is one of powerlessness...
That even though I have been so willing to try new things, and have been very courageous in finding strength in my body, the end result is that... it is still not good enough... I'm not good enough... that somehow I have done the best that I possibly could, and that is not good enough.
And then I feel these horrible feelings about myself... I'm not effective enough, I am not active enough, I am not smart enough... etc etc... simply "I am not good enough" .
So health is one area of my life that i am trying to create a transformation for myself, and then when I feel that I can't succeed in this, I also then feel that I can't change other areas of my life either. How can I ever create a loving relationship with a woman? How can I create a sexual relationship with a woman? After having been totally single for so long? a deep sense of powerlessness to change the future... I am at the effect of all these external forces, which I don't have any control over... I guess real victim mentality.
And these are triggers for me to act out... it comes from thinking... "well, the good things that I want in my life won't happen, so why shouldn't I M?"
So I need to let go as much as I can. One day at a time. Easy does it. Let go let God.
DeepHealing
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Post by jake123 on Jun 25, 2006 0:38:30 GMT -5
Hi Deep I'm sorry to hear about the physical pain/ It can really wear down your resistance to negative thoughts. I haven't read your whole journal only this most recent post. I'll go read it so I won't be talking in ignorance or asking inappropriate questions. In the meantime though -I read your post on the General board about escorts. And then you mention again here about a long time with no companionship. If you don't mind me asking I was wondering how so much time went by or was it a choice? I apologize in advance if you shared in detail on the subject on the first page of your journal. I will go read it. And thanks for posting a supportive reply to a thread of mine over there earlier today about the casual sex thing. i appreciated that. Till later, (and I hope I haven't offended you in this for lack of info yet). Take care, --jake
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Post by DeepHealing on Jun 27, 2006 23:57:33 GMT -5
Thanks for your care Jake.
I guess the short summary is... I never felt very confident in attracting a girlfriend as a teenager or young adult. Then I developed this chronic pain condition which severely limited my mobility (apart from other things)... it totally wiped me out emotionally for a very long time, and even though I desperately wanted a woman, it was totally from a place of need.
Quite a few years have passed now, and I have been stable physically, and building myself up emotionally and spiritually. So now, I have started to contemplate being more proactive in trying to meet someone, but seeing that I never had the confidence in establishing relationships even before my body through a wobbly, this is something to learn from scratch.
Cheers Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Jun 28, 2006 0:00:40 GMT -5
Feeling the urge to act out... but need to do some work, so don't really have a chance to look into my feelings right now... hopefully I'll get a chance later on today.
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Post by DeepHealing on Jun 28, 2006 4:08:43 GMT -5
I think I know what it is... there is a part of me that simply cannot believe that someone could love me and want to be with me... and I know that this belief denies all the good things about me... I'm reasonably good-looking, am quite intelligent, reasonably funny, good-natured, caring etc etc, and I know that I am "willing to believe" that I am lovable, but I can't deny that part of me just doesn't believe it.
Hence the urge to act out.
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Post by DeepHealing on Nov 30, 2006 0:56:32 GMT -5
I haven't been here for ages. I guess I really don't want to believe/deal with a truth that I am addicted to P and MB. And I don't want to believe that if I really want to stop then I have to be here. I managed to keep clean last year for about three months. And perhaps the biggest lesson was that it forced me to really be in touch with my feelings. I know that for me such a strong trigger is when something is going on inside which I haven't identified or expressed or received support for, and being clean forced me to stay connected to myself.
I also got concerned about someone finding out who I am. I know that I sort of needed to write everything that was going on, and I got concerned that someone might work out who I am from the details.
So I am not sure what I am doing here... is this just a once off post, or a start of a new program to stay clean.
Deep
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