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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 12, 2006 7:32:36 GMT -5
I have been thinking about having an erotic massage. I typically have done this every 6 to 12 months. I have done this out of need and desperation. Just the total need to be touched and wanted, to feel sexual with someone, even if it was all fake. I look back at those times, and perhaps some were out of compulsion and wanting to avoid my feelings. But definitely some of those times, it was out of raw need. and I am glad that I did... that I could listen to that need and not let it be totally ignored.
But for today I thought that... I can manage without... yes it is a need, but I will manage without it.
And Jake, thanks as always for stopping by and sharing.
I feel funny having dual P/MB counters, but it is day 16/3.
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 12, 2006 17:59:53 GMT -5
Okay... this is day 16/4, and slightly triggered for MB. And I think I can tell the difference between this feeling which comes from a compulsive space, and perhaps MB that comes from a loving/self-nurturing space.
So a lot is happening right now... work uncertainty, health issues and overcoming limiting beliefs about myself and just sadness. The work uncertainty is this struggle inside between wanting to pull back and be safe, and a situation that is pulling us forward into unknown territory. It is the fear of not knowing what I getting myself into and whether or not I am sufficiently capable of coping with this unknown territory.
They say that one thing that addictions provide is a sense of familiarity, stability and a false sense of security. Perhaps that is where the craving is coming from... wanting a sense of security.
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Post by jake123 on Dec 16, 2006 13:05:09 GMT -5
Hi DeepHealing, I think it's great you had 16/4 the last post. I am at day 16 right now. Regarding addictions providing a "false" sense of security: I agree it is false for me too, because even if it delivers consistently, what it leaves behind is a horrible feeling of INsecurity. Makes me feel lost and as though I can't control myself or my my life or emotions or behaviors. Hurts my self esteem as a result. I don't want to be a rigid control freak, more I'd like to acknowledge I have an addiction that is unfortunately very mixed in with human needs. To be able to separate out a healthy self love and sexuality from the fantasies of porn images and mb'ing to them, or mb'ing to fantasies in my head--this is the work of recovery. I think for those in relationships they have a practice field if you will..paying attention to when they drift into addictive feelings when with their partner (or away from their partner and themselves). Me nto having a partner-- I guess mb for me is not good b/cuz even for all the health reasons I've read that make it normal and good, I find it takes me away from myself where it is supposed to be--regarding arousal and release--a good thing--for me it makes me feel afterwards sad and lonely. I'm rambling on, I think I need to journal myself when I get home from Slaa mtg. today. Maybe I can formulate a topic out of these thoughts to bring up there today. Maybe I don't like the possible answer to this--that maybe I have burned my mb bridges and can't really do it again, alone, with or w/o porn, b/cuz it has been tainted as an activity. Frankly I don't think I have ever felt healthy about it due to a twisted view of my own human sexuality. I don't want to be broken forever but maybe it is like alcoholism..Once one crosses the invisiblle line of addictive thought process, one can't really mb "safely" again b/cuz it encourages isolation and is not the "happy" or at least "neutral" no-harm-done activity that normal folks can do. I don't know. I wish you the best today as I do for myself in sorting things out. I hope you find some sense of security to offset the job worries. I know I have lots of fears about failure and so on..sure can relate to wanting to hang back for fear of being overwhelomed by something unknown. Of course life//growth// is about risk..uggh!! Ha..I can relate though. Take care man, --jake
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Post by DeepHealing on Dec 19, 2006 17:32:47 GMT -5
Thanks Jake for stopping by once again! I appreciate your understanding...
Well, it is day 2... and theoretically if I wanted to continue using my dual counters, it would be something like 20/2... ie it was MB not P. But I don't feel that it was MB from a healthy space... so it is just day 2
I was at a party, and there was a very sexy woman who quite enjoyed showing that. But the real trigger in that situation was how I felt... inadequate, unworthy, and at the time I didn't feel "this is how I feel around one woman at one point in time ", the feelings get very generalised and I feel that that is how all women will always relate to me... and the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness are quite strong... and it feels like the outside world is making me feel these things. I try my best to breathe deeply and imagine Light coming into my body and these feelings, but part of me feels this resentment and hatred to the outside world (in this case a woman), for "making" me feel this way.
So the trigger for MB and fantasy was the combination... being around a very sexy woman and having the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness... and perhaps the fantasy is my way of "getting back at her" for making me feel this way. Plus also, it was about 3 a.m. and I couldn't get to sleep.
I definitely remember that sequence at other times in my life... being attracted to a woman, feeling rejected, feeling inadequate and unworthy... and then fantasy/MB... it is like my way of saying "you can reject me, you can make me feel inadequate, you can make me feel unworthy, but I can use fantasy/MB, and you can't stop me..." (not a very nice thing to have to write about myself, but I guess it is the truth)
One thing is different though... probably for at least 20 years any fantasy/MB, I would go into the fantasy as much as I want to... no limits... but here it was at an absolute minimum
Deep
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Post by otto9176 on Dec 20, 2006 0:52:45 GMT -5
Hey DeepHealing This sounds so much like me: "But the real trigger in that situation was how I felt... inadequate, unworthy" I feel that way also and it has not only played a major part in my addiction but also stops me from enjoying life. I have self esteem issues and those feelings you describe--feeling unworthy and inadequate--I can really identify with. Its funny though, we are adequate and we are worthy...its just making ourselves see that is the difficult thing. This is an underlying cause for this addiction so I think its really important that we work on it. Talk to you later
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Post by DeepHealing on Mar 19, 2007 5:13:33 GMT -5
Well, I am back here after a 4 month absence... no prizes for guessing my activities... P/MB and one trip for a "special" massage.
I think part of the reason for my absence is that part of me hates the thought that there is no escape from the difficulties of life. P is escape. Without P it means that there is no escape... I have to meet the challenges of life head-on . I think that the challenges of life trigger a trauma response inside... that perhaps the (sometimes significant) challenges feel like they are more than that, that they are unending ceaseless and unbearable, rather than significant difficulties.
And so to part of me it needs an escape... because it feels that the pain of life otherwise is for eternity.
I look back at some of my posts here and really acknowledge my deep honesty and at times coverage. Not to say that when I am away from this board I don't have honesty and coverage, but when I write here I know that I am waging a battle.
DeepHealing
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 2, 2007 19:09:26 GMT -5
I am here again, and being honest... I am not committed right now to stopping P/MB... there are other areas of my life that I am really focusing on, and right now I don't know if I have the energy to devote to winning this battle as well.
But I did notice something last night that I would like to share into this space... I was in a social situation where there was a very attractive woman... and a certain pattern gets triggered... firstly my natural attraction to the beauty, then this discomfort within myself that I am attracted. Like this really negative voice inside that says... "you are not worth anything, you have no right to be attracted to someone this attractive".
I guess those feelings of shame are strong triggers for me... I can't cope with that discomfort within myself about myself and the shame, and so I turned to fantasy/MB to make me feel better.
Best wishes DeepHealing
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 4, 2007 2:18:12 GMT -5
I guess I am here in a preventative capacity this time... I was doing some Internet dating ("normal" dating... trying to meet a partner, not trying to find someone for a sexual encounter), and this one woman were saying that she has no baggage. She might have meant that she had no ex-husband or kids, but I took it to mean that she has no emotional baggage. And immediately my self-worth issues get triggered... that I have baggage, and that therefore I wouldn't be "good enough". I know that this is a trigger for me... not feeling worthwhile, not feeling lovable... believing that this situation is for eternity and is not just temporary, feel that I need an escape from the feelings... trigger to p/MB.
I think what is best for me right now is to have compassion for these feelings... have compassion for the lack of self worth, have compassion for the feelings that I am "not good enough"... remind myself that even the most difficult situations in life are not for eternity... there is always movement, there is always change, perhaps not as quickly as I would like, but change does happen... and working on myself is the best way to achieve it... remind myself of how many miracles I have witnessed in my life in spite of some huge challenges... trust that this period of being single and the patterns within myself that have led to this will also transform in time... knows that I really have changed and become stronger and become more functional and become more self loving... I have learnt so many tools for helping move through energetic and emotional patterns and that these will definitely help transform this area of my life in very positive ways.
That the best approach is to really trying to be with these feelings however difficult, not medicate, and that way reinforce that things are temporary... that I don't need to escape from difficult feelings and difficult situations, I can be with them, and watch them transform.
Wish me luck!
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Post by aslan on Apr 4, 2007 2:52:53 GMT -5
Deephealing,
If someone didn't have any baggage, they wouldn't need to say they dont but I can also relate to your trigger. Everyone but me is okay.
I suppose what I really mean to say is that your are not those negative feelings. They are not true.
We all have baggage, some heavier than others (in my case I would threaten getting a Jumbo off the ground).
Take care. I always adore your spiritual path.
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 11, 2007 8:09:12 GMT -5
Thanks aslan... your words and encouragement are appreciated
Today I sort of found one reason to encourage me to stay sober. At present I am not committed to staying sober, but from time to time it feels good to share in this space.
Today I did find a reason that would encourage me to stay sober... I was doing some inner child work and I could see how my inner child acts out in certain circumstances... particularly to avoid feeling feelings of deep worthlessness and deep shame. And I would like to teach my inner child not to act out... to allow those feelings to be present, to express them and to sit with them. To trust that those feelings will pass and that the best thing to do is to not act out.
But then, how can I teach my inner child to do this without me setting an example? And one of the strong triggers for me in terms of P/fantasy/MB is deep feelings of worthlessness and shame.
I don't know if this is a stronger enough reason for me to stay sober... but it definitely is a reason
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 12, 2007 7:32:20 GMT -5
I thought of another two reasons today for staying sober.
The first is that I have been slightly more proactive about trying to meet someone... took my first steps out into the world of Internet dating. And I know that I have come from a very negative space about myself and about my prospects of meeting someone, but I have started to feel perhaps just slightly that this might be something possible... that maybe I will meet someone... that maybe it will be possible for me to form a relationship with someone.
And it would be nice if my sexuality is not mixed up with my way of avoiding pain. It would be really nice that if I did meet someone, and if we had a sexual relationship, that when we had sex that I was confident it came from a healthy space... that I knew that I wasn't using it as pain relief.
The second reason I feel shame about sharing... but I know what it is
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 13, 2007 8:44:53 GMT -5
I am feeling sad, and part of me wants to act out... but I feel some level of determination not to, well at least for today anyway...
There are 3 women I had approached on this one dating site, and no response from either of them. Actually, one of the we did interact a little bit by e-mail, and there was some connection between us, it was a bit nice actually... and then I sent an email to her half suggesting that we meet up for coffee, and then no response for 2 days... the other two women no response after a day.
And the part of me that feels that I am "worthless", sees this as evidence... "See! They didn't reply... obviously I am worthless". And the way for me to avoid feeling unloved or feeling unloveable or worthless is through P/fantasy/MB.
But I don't want to act out... just for today I prefer to feel my sadness, my loneliness, my grief, my despair at this aspect of my life.
There is also some family stuff happening at the moment, and some aspect of that I find quite difficult
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 14, 2007 8:34:16 GMT -5
Another day has gone by without contact by any of the 3 women I contacted through the dating site. I'm not obsessed at all with these three in particular, but it does trigger the feelings of worthlessness, that there is no one out there for me, and that this part of my life will never change.
It feels right for the moment to stay with the feelings of worthlessness and to let them pass by themselves... I think trying to make contact with other women right now would be to avoid those feelings, and I think it is better to stay with them right now. The challenge of course is to stay with those feelings and not act out with P/MB/fantasy. But I am okay for today.
There is a determination inside that I haven't felt for months about staying sober, and I am nearly even tempted to keep a day counter once again. I think that this desire to teach my inner child not to act out from feelings of worthlessness is proving a huge motivation to myself.
Feeling good
Deep
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 15, 2007 1:23:48 GMT -5
Feeling sad... none of the 3 women on the Internet dating site has responded to me... putting myself on the dating site was such a big step for me in trying to meet someone... it was the most proactive thing I have done for a long time. So I am sad that I don't feel that I have made much progress. I guess the truth is that I have made progress... just putting myself out there is progress, regardless of what the response is.
It is basically an acknowledgement that in a deep level I have taken a step forward to being in a relationship. And part of this for me, perhaps a very large part, is dealing with the feelings of worthlessness... that I am not worthy to be in a relationship with someone, the feeling and belief that I would not be suitable for anyone... I would not be a worthwhile companion to someone, it would not be beneficial for someone to go out with me.
And these feelings are quite long term, quite deep, and quite powerful. That is why the simple fact that 3 strangers on the Internet not responding has a reasonable effect on me. what I am really happy about, really grateful for, is my inner sense of what to do... and right now it feels that the best thing is to keep sitting with the feelings. Keep expressing these feelings, keep trying to find ways to negate these feelings, keep finding ways of seeing the positive in me, seeing why I would be a worthwhile companion to someone, and think why it would be beneficial for someone to go out with me.
I really trust my guidance about when it will feel right to make another approach.
I am also sad because I bought some new linen for my bed... it was a reminder of how long I had my old linen and how the only expression of sexuality it had seen was P/fantasy/MB... that over the few years that I had slept on the linen, there was no intimacy with a woman at all... no cuddling, no closeness, no sexual interaction. I feel shame about writing this, but the old linen was just stained from all the MB.
So I put the new linen on with a prayer... that somehow I will transform, this part of my life will transform, and I will see some genuine love, intimacy and shared sexuality with a woman that I care about. I know this still feels quite impossible, but I have seen miracles in other areas of my life, and have seen the impossible become real over time. There is always hope!
Deep on day 4
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Post by DeepHealing on Apr 15, 2007 8:43:22 GMT -5
I feel sad... ironically it is because of going to a coda meeting... there is a woman at the group whom I find very physically and sexually attractive. And there is this feeling/energy that happens inside me as a result... part of it might be my standard reaction to someone whom I find attractive... the feeling that "I am not worthy to feel attracted to an attractive/sexy woman".
It also might be because she is unavailable (married), and it also might be because of something I sense in her emotionally. She often is "inside herself"... and part of me wants to have this emotional connection with her, this part of me that wants to "draw her out of herself"... like part of me as saying "if only I could draw her out of herself, then I could have a connection with her".
Like I said, very ironic... the first principle of CODA is that we are powerless over others and that our lives have become unmanageable.I need to acknowledge this... I am powerless over her... I am powerless over her emotional state, I am powerless over her ability to connect with others, I am powerless over her willingness to connect with me.
I'm glad I wrote that! The next question for me is... how do I feel not having that connection? Who does this woman represent to me? How does this individual situation become generalised?
Deep (still on day 4)
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