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Post by sandpaper on Dec 9, 2007 1:29:56 GMT -5
Day 111. Family Ties.
So today I had quite an interesting and, in fact, exhausting experience. My brother came over for a visit. He lives only a couple of hours away, but it had been some time since we'd seen each other. He looked good, has lost some weight, and appeared in good spirits.
But, within a few moments, he sat me down, saying he had something very important to discuss. It turns out my brother is an alcoholic, and he is on Step 9 of the AA program -- the point at which one is to "make amends" to those he believes his addiction has harmed in some way. And I was next on his list. I had suspected for some time that my brother had a problem with alcohol, and he has even suggested that several times over the past few years. But, things have come to a front for him lately, and he realized he had a very serious problem for which he needed help.
It was a very surreal experience in some ways, listening to my older brother -- the one I'd always looked up to and admired -- tell me how he believed he'd failed me on account of his addiction and ask me for my forgiveness. For my part, I didn't think there was anything for which he needed forgiveness. But that was beside the point: I understood exactly what he was saying and why; this was part of his path, an effort toward facing the things from which he'd hidden for so many years, and a reminder of the consequences of engaging in addictive behavior.
Put simply, it was one addict talking to another addict, in a language both fully understood. The thing was, though, he didn't know that I'm also an addict. So, after listening to his story, I told him mine. And his response was even more surprising: not only had he struggled with alcohol, he had also struggled with the use of P -- not to the extent that I have, but still to an extent that gave him cause for concern. Amazing. My brother, my father, and myself all have had some degree of this problem. And, from what I have seen over the years, I have reason to suspect that every adult male on my father's side of the family has struggled with this issue in some form. Indeed, many of them overtly struggle with other addictions, such as alcoholism. Addiction also exists on my mother's side of the family, though not quite as pervasively -- at least as far as I know.
It's an interesting question to ponder: how, and to what extent, genes and environmental factors play a role in the addictive process. At any rate, I suppose that is not really the issue of concern. What matters is that my brother has realized he has a problem and wants to do something about it. Like me, he wants (and, indeed, needs) to live life on its own terms, reconnect with and embrace his emotions, and find a way to become complete -- in a real way. My heart goes out to him and I hope we can help each other along the way.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 11, 2007 0:07:04 GMT -5
Day 113. Perspective.
It's not there right now. I've been so busy and had so many things going on lately that I'm letting it all get to me, letting it spoil my days and close me off to others. I am at least aware of this limitation and of the need to stay above the fray. One day at a time. I will endeavor to make tomorrow a better day -- the circumstances weighing on me will be no different, but I can choose to have a better attitude.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 12, 2007 0:51:59 GMT -5
Day 114. Walls.
I am fighting hard to keep the walls from closing in on me. I have so many pressures coming at me from some many different angles right now that I feel like I might implode. These things are all separate and distinct issues from the PA problem, as they relate to career and financial concerns. But, as with all stressful circumstances, they often inspire the addictive behavior as a means to relieve the pressure and escape reality.
I have no intention heading down that path. The result, however, is the hardest one to accept as an addict: I have to face life on its own terms, and it's hard. Again, the best I can do is to focus on my perspective. The problems are what they are. I simply have to work through them with the most collected state of mind I can muster. P/MB is entirely inconsistent with that purpose.
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Post by choselife on Dec 12, 2007 5:48:37 GMT -5
I am here to support you. When you make it through this time period, it will be an amazing boost to your confidence in you ability to deal with life on its own terms. Perhaps its an oversimplification, but you merely need to do your best on resolving all that external stuff you mentioned. There is no "failure" in that regard as long as you do your best. You may not see that now if things don't go as well as you would like, but presuming you stay sober through this wave of stuff going on, you will look back at the experience with self-pride and integrity. If you do not stay sober, you will look back at the experience as at best less than a full success, regardless of how well the external events resolve themselves, because you will know you could not deal with life on life's terms. You will know that something that is fully within your control, you did not control, and will wonder how losing sobriety impacted how well the external events turned out. Hope this helps.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 12, 2007 23:27:37 GMT -5
Thanks for the support, CL. I do appreciate it.
Unfortunately, the problematic circumstances are just getting worse, by the hour it seems: I guess, as they say, when it rains, it pours. I can say without a doubt that this year -- particularly the last two or three months -- has been the most difficult time in my life, in every way. I have never felt this much pressure or anxiety. Granted, the things going on would likely cause significant anxiety in anyone. But, I'm sure not having my P/MB crutch has exaggerated the difficulty I am experiencing.
Funny that the most difficult time of my life should fall into my lap right when I'm also learning -- for the first time in many ways -- how to face just the basic facts of life without hiding behind my addiction. I'm doing my best to look at the situation as an opportunity, sort of along the lines that you suggested CL: what better way to learn how to live in reality than to do so under the most extreme conditions I have experienced to date? If nothing else, I've almost come to the point of finding the situation comical: when I look at how screwed up things are and the fact that they are certain to get worse in the near future, I catch myself almost laughing; it's either that or a nervous breakdown.
Anyway, you're right CL: I can only do my best, and I will hold myself to that. I just hope that my best is good enough.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 14, 2007 0:44:02 GMT -5
Day 116. Travels.
So tomorrow morning I leave to go back home for the holidays. I'll be gone for two weeks; the longest period of time I've taken off of work in years and years. In many ways it's the best time for me to get away; in others, it's the worst time.
Anyway, I will likely have little access to the Internet while I'm gone. I'm staying with my grandmother for most of the trip and, bless her soul, she doesn't even have a computer, much less Internet access. So I probably won't be able to check in here very much, if at all, over the next two weeks. I'll check as soon as I am able.
As I stated yesterday, I intend to use this time to do some much needed reflection and decompression. Let's see what I can get done.
SP
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Dec 14, 2007 5:13:28 GMT -5
Hey SP keep it up, have a good holiday, and stay clean. I know for me holidays are the worst time when I have idle time, if I'm busy doing stuff, I'm fine. Its when I'm sitting there doing nothing and looking at the wall that I get the urges. keep fighting, and spend the holidays well. good job on the count.
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Post by mrbister on Dec 20, 2007 8:35:42 GMT -5
Good work SP. Make sure your next post has a day count of around 130 then, assuming you can't get online for 2 weeks. All the best, your strength renews and inspires my strength. See you here again soon.
Mr. B.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 22, 2007 10:27:37 GMT -5
Day 125. Checking In.
Still out of town at the moment. This is the first chance I've had to check in with the board. I don't really have time to write, as I'm tied up with family festivities. I'll check back in as soon as I can, but that might not be until I get back home on the 30th.
BTW, I've started a new journal on the new website. While I'll keep checking in with this site as long as it's open, I'll probably start posting primarily at the new site.
Sandpaper
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 22, 2007 15:01:07 GMT -5
(Until the other site is in full swing, I think I'll post both here and there.)
So, like I said, I'm still out of town visiting family. I have been surrounded by family and friends the entire time. But, at the moment, I am alone in my mother-in-law's house -- and obviously now have access to the Internet. As is often the case in moments of solitude, my mind is drifting toward thoughts of P/MB and of searching for P websites. That means it's time for a dose of hard, visceral reality: I'm going out for a run. By the time I get back, everyone will have returned home.
I'll check back in when I get a chance.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 28, 2007 14:56:01 GMT -5
Day 131. Checking In.
I'm still on the road with little time to check in here because of all the family holiday festivities. Things are going okay, but have been a bit difficult on the PA front. I think this is primarily a product of having a lot of free time and a lack of structure in my daily routine. My mind has more time to wander and wonder. And, being far away from home, the pressures from work that keep me focused and on track are more distant and less weighty. This makes the idea of indulging in P/MB more enticing because there is, theoretically, less concern about the impact of such behavior on my productivity.
Anyway, I'll be back home and to business as usual on the 30th. I'll check back around then, if not before.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 28, 2007 23:23:26 GMT -5
I'm checking in here again because I'm having quite a tough time staving off what have been some very strong urges that have hit me during this vacation. Again and again, I am reminding myself again of the zillion reasons why I should avoid P/MB and, most importantly, that I do have a choice. Nothing requires me to act on these impulses; they have no meaning, no value, and no place in the life I wish to lead.
Nonetheless, my mind keeps circling back to those famous old rationalizations: the ones that have led me astray time and again. I must continuously remind myself that these thoughts are simply delusions and, even more importantly, are not reality; they are as false and empty as the P/MB experience itself. And, I must be very careful with my use of the Internet. There have been a number of instances during this trip when I've been left alone in a house with Internet access. Fortunately, each time that has happened, I've come here first.
I'll check back when I can. Ciao.
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Post by mrbister on Dec 29, 2007 13:07:27 GMT -5
Stand firm SP. You have my wishes for continued success and my regards. Congratualtions on managing to resist the famous rationalisations that actually lead to irrational behaviour. I have been fighting with them too. Keep going as you have done so far, as long as you are alive you can always fight. So never give in no matter how rational things seem.
Take care and see you soon.
Mr. B
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 31, 2007 0:01:38 GMT -5
(Thanks for the encouragement, Mr. B.)
Day 133. Teetering On the Precipice -- Once Again.
So I'm back home; just arrived tonight. As is evident in my posts of late, I had a tough time while I was on the road. The additional down time, lack of structure, and a generally lethargic routine set the tone for a lazy and unproductive mind, which opened the door to thoughts of P/MB. I let my mind wander a bit too much with such thoughts, which, of course, led to next stage in the process: frustration and anxiety; strong sensations of the "need" to act out.
Fortunately, I have not done so, and don't plan to. But, I'm still stuck in that very uncomfortable place where my mind has wandered far enough with obsessive-type thoughts to make my body feel like it must respond compulsively. This is certainly not the first time I've been faced with this situation, and I'm certain it won't be the last. In the vast majority of such situations, I have given in and slipped back into P/MB. But, on a few such occasions, I managed to stay the course. During those occasions, I made it through with sheer "white-knuckling"; that is, by just sweating it out. I have grown since then, and now fully understand that I do, in fact, have a choice -- each and every time I find myself in such situations. Yes, the addictive drive is intense -- incredibly intense -- which can make the exercise of that choice extraordinarily difficult. But it is, simply, a choice.
And so here I am again, standing at the precipice, peering over the edge at the raging waters of the addictive cycle and deciding whether to jump in or turn away and continue the difficult, but real, path of a clean life. The right choice is clear: stay in reality. My challenge is to make that choice, every minute of every day -- over and over again. So far, I keep making the right choice. But I must tread very carefully because my mind is cloudy and vulnerable at the moment. One minute at a time . . .
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 31, 2007 0:04:35 GMT -5
Signing Off.
Since it seems that the new board is pretty much up and running, I think I'm going to start posting exclusively on that site. I may try to incorporate parts of this journal as they become appropriate to the new journal.
I hope to see everyone on the new site!
SP
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