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Post by sandpaper on Oct 12, 2007 23:21:21 GMT -5
Day 54. Honesty.
In the past, I have discussed how avoiding P/MB makes me more sensitive to my environment, my feelings, and my sense of self -- whether good or bad. One of the ways in which this presents itself is a heightened level of honesty in my interactions with others. That is, I am generally comfortable asserting my opinions and individual beliefs about given topics. When I'm indulging in P/MB activity, I tend to keep my feelings to myself.
I think there are two main reasons I am more closed off in the acting-out mode: (1) during those times, I am more insecure about myself, in large measure because I feel shameful; it's almost as if I feel somehow unworthy of participating in meaningful discourse because I see myself as a fraud; and (2) because I am less sensitive to the things happening around me, I am simply less interested in thinking about and discussing the various and sundry issues that permeate day-to-day life.
As an aspect of the heightened sensitivity that I feel when avoiding P/MB, this drive toward honesty and openness in my interactions with others is both rewarding and frightening at the same time. By engaging life on its own terms and saying how I feel, I take a risk that I've always seemed to try to avoid: alienating other people who do not agree with my opinions. My friends, family, and associates have always tended to see me as the diplomat of the group: the one who always sees both sides of the issue, doesn't take a stance, and simply functions as an intermediary among everyone else. And their perception is pretty close to reality, as I do generally take the objective, neutral path with respect to almost everything in life. Thus, by being "honest" to myself and others, I risk losing that status which, for some reason, I have always held dear.
On the other hand, being open about my feelings is quite liberating and, it seems, a very healthy exercise. It's almost as if each time I am open and honest where I otherwise would not have been I can feel myself growing up a little bit and, even more importantly, getting to know who I am and what I am about. One would think that I should know who I am and what I am about, but those things have ranked among the most allusive concepts in my life.
At any rate, I move forward with these things in mind. I have always felt "naked" in a sense without P/MB; like one would feel walking around in public while wearing only his underwear. But, each day, I grow a little stronger and move a little closer toward being able to face life on its own terms with nothing other than my own wits, determination, and resolve.
SP
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Post by choselife on Oct 13, 2007 2:47:27 GMT -5
Great post, Sandpaper. Being "out there" is unfamiliar territory, but I have come to prefer it. Yet, at times I revert back to being "into myself". Its interesting to think about when that is. When everything "out there" is going well, generally I stick around. When I perceive that something "out there" happened that was not under my control, I have the impulse to flee (i.e. wife gets pissed at me for what I feel is unjustified reason). Thats when I say "(expletive) it, and go into avoid pain, seek immediate escape from pain into immediate sexual gratification mode. It works in both ways, that immediate distancing from feelings I desperately want to avoid, into the immediate pleasures of those chemicals shooting through my body. If there is an important situation that I can't "fix" pretty quickly, then I don't stick around. How mature an attitude for a 55 year old man! (heavy sarcasm) Or perhaps when being "out there" becomes over-stimulating (not in the sexual sense, but it could be all positive, i.e. work going amazingly well, possibilities seeming almost unlimited). This makes the comfort of being "out there" dissipate, as it becomes a great unknown. Thats about all that I can think of now. I love reading your posts, SP. I so hope that you get over the proverbial hump. I am certain that the more time you spent out there, the more comfortable you will grow with all that activity, the pleasant, the neutral, and the pain. I so relate to the feeling of learning about myself, about growing as a person, about behaving so differently and so much more freely because of not bearing the weight of our shame. It is impossible for me to do this while even flirting with losing sobriety. Life can go relatively ok for a while, but it is really not much more than surviving, as opposed to living.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 14, 2007 0:11:58 GMT -5
Thanks, CL.
I absolutely agree that reality is a far better place to be, despite the fear and trepidation it engenders for me. I simply have to accept that, if I can't learn to live in reality comfortably, I will never overcome the P/MB problem or, for that matter, the more significant emotional problems underlying it. Basically, I have to finish growing up emotionally, or at least pick up where I left off (which was at about age six or seven according to the shrinks) and catch up to where I should be at age 31.
But the benefits of keeping it "real" are definitely worth this effort, and P/MB simply has no place in this plan.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 15, 2007 7:55:08 GMT -5
Day 57. A "Busy" Mind Is Not All Bad.
I've been complaining about having a head too cluttered with thoughts, mainly because it interferes with my ability to focus on the present and stay in the moment. Undoubtedly, living in the present requires a clear, balanced mind free of the yesterday-tomorrow distraction.
On the other hand, I've noticed that many of the thoughts bouncing around in my head lately are "good" ones. As I've discussed before, when I stay away from P/MB, my senses become sharper and I experience a heightened awareness of things. I pay attention to events that I might have otherwise not noticed or that I might have chosen to ignore. I take a closer look at that homeless person I've walked by 10 times before and think about how fortunate I am to have a roof over my head. I notice a group of seagulls flying around above me as I'm rushing about and think about how everything has a purpose. I also spend time thinking about how I can be a better, more well-balanced person and how best to live in the moment.
The point is that these types of thoughts are entirely consistent with my objective to spend more time in the present. They are what motivate me to do the work required to move closer toward that goal, whether it be meditation, practicing patience, or simply taking a deep breath and remembering what really matters at the end of the day. And that's probably the best I can expect from myself: to make good strides toward that goal; not to become Buddha overnight.
So a "busy" mind is not all bad, so long as most of the traffic consists of thoughts aimed toward a calm mind.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 15, 2007 22:23:35 GMT -5
Day 57 Contined. "Thinking Through" Emotional Stuff.
So my therapist says I think too much when it comes to emotional things. He says I need to think less and feel more. Maybe he's right. I just have to figure out how to do that -- without thinking too much about it.
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 18, 2007 0:15:19 GMT -5
Day 60. Hammered.
At the moment, I'm dealing with some very difficult issues at work, which are putting a lot of strain on me. I'm trying to use the experience as a lesson, a way to become stronger somehow. We'll see. It is quite difficult for me to stay positive in circumstances such as these. Nonetheless, I'm determined to wade through this with confidence and resolve.
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 20, 2007 12:12:49 GMT -5
Day 62. Trying Times.
I've had an absolutely crazy week: major conflicts at work, heavy deadline pressures, and a lot of extra responsibilities that kept me up very late for the last two nights (volunteer work that I do every year around this time).
Though it was very difficult, I learned a lot about myself this week. My head is still spinning from everything. Once the dust settles, I'll be able to take a closer look at the significance of these events.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 24, 2007 23:25:34 GMT -5
Day 66. A Whirlwind.
I've been caught up in the raging wild fires here in So. Cal. My wife and I evacuated our home on Monday night and just returned this evening. Fortunately, our home was spared. But the devastation to our community was catastrophic; yet another reminder of what really matters in life.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 27, 2007 13:39:09 GMT -5
Day 69. Playin' It Safe.
I made it a point to check in here because I've had some fleeting thoughts of P/MB. Things are okay now, though. The simple act of coming here is always very helpful in restoring whatever resolve that may be slipping away.
Other than that, things are generally okay. There are still some very "stressful" things going on in my life, professionally and financially. I say "stressful" in quotes because I know these things really needn't be. They simply are what they are and I just have to deal with them; worrying about them needlessly is a waste.
I'm also struggling with a task that my therapist has assigned me. I may check back and explain the situation before my next appointment.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 29, 2007 11:02:57 GMT -5
Day 71. A Difficult Assignment.
At the end of the last session, my therapist asked me to write a "letter of forgiveness" to myself. He would not elaborate as to how I should approach this task or what the content of the letter might be; he just told me to follow my feelings on the topic.
This has created a lot of consternation for me. I haven't a clue how to go about "forgiving" myself. Even assuming I could figure out what exactly needs to be "forgiven," I have no idea how I would go about actually forgiving myself of those things. In other words, the attempt to "forgive" myself would be a futile effort: I wouldn't believe in it.
I don't think I should be forgiven for anything. In fact, such an idea runs directly against the grain of my existence. I've spent my whole life keeping myself "in check" in precisely the opposite way: I keep track of all the mistakes, transgressions, mishaps, and stupid actions that I commit and use them as motivation to do "better" and be "greater" the next time. I think this is what the therapist is driving at: he sees that I am a perfectionist who refuses to accept any sort of failure. I think his idea is that I need to "forgive" myself for not being perfect.
Well, he is right. I am obsessively perfectionist, and I do need to accept that I am not perfect. But the idea that I can or need to "forgive" myself really bothers me. I feel like that means I am supposed to absolve myself of all my previous transgressions and give myself a license to screw up in the future. I know that, in reality, the purpose of the exercise is probably a lot less extreme. More than likely, I'm just supposed to see my mistakes for what they are -- mistakes; learn from them without beating myself up needlessly; and use that knowledge to make better decisions the next time I encounter a similar situation.
Even so, I just can't seem to do this. I can't let go of that pain. The thought process runs as follows: I can't forgive myself. I simply don't deserve it. I don't like myself, and I never have. I am not good enough and I don't know how to become better without continually reminding myself of how I've screwed up in the past.
I know how ludicrous this sounds, but this is how I think and feel. Trying to change that seems as difficult and impossible as trying to change the way that I laugh or the way that I sneeze. If this is what is truly required for me to find happiness, I'm in for some big trouble.
SP
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 31, 2007 23:37:35 GMT -5
Day 73. Moving Along, If Only Slowly.
I'm still headed in the right direction, at least in my intentions. I've been struggling a bit more the past few days with random thoughts about P/MB and sexual fantasy. So far, I've been pretty good at discarding those ideas rather quickly, though I am concerned. It is very important that I continue to focus on what is real and that I keep in the forefront of my mind the zillion reasons why pursuing such things is not only useless but destructive. From somewhere, I seem to have developed a sort of faith or trust in myself; a sense of confidence -- albeit a tenuous one -- about my ability to steer clear of the P/MB pitfalls.
One day at a time . . . one day at a time.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 1, 2007 22:33:24 GMT -5
Day 74. Three Things.
1. Saved By The Bell. Last night I was visited again by one of those very intense sexual dreams. Fortunately, my alarm went off right before things in the dream capitulated.
2. Fundamentals. Though a simple and very basic lesson, I must accept that life is, in fact, a difficult journey, and I am deluding myself if I try to think otherwise.
3. The Best Feeling In the World. Tonight, while I was reading to my son (as I always do every night before he goes to sleep), I was reminded of the best feeling in the world: his head up against my chest.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 3, 2007 23:27:47 GMT -5
Day 76. Growing Pains.
For a long time now, I have known that they are many changes I need to make in my life, the most significant of which is my perspective about myself and my place in this world. The P/MB habit has been one way in which I have procrastinated or postponed the inevitable work that must be done. But it is not the only way. Now that I'm off P/MB I can see more clearly the other things that I do to avoid facing these difficult realities and taking the painful steps required to meet them. I am still spending too much time in neutral, afraid to put things in gear and move forward with the hard work. Put simply, I need to pontificate less and do more.
Henceforth, I will begin to closely examine those traits, characteristics, and proclivities about myself that have perpetuated my addictive tendencies and forestalled my emotional growth. I will also look at those particular behaviors, other than P/MB, that I have traditionally employed as tools of procrastination. Then I will consider -- both through thought and feeling -- how to look at, modify, or reshape these characteristics and behaviors in a way that will promote the kind of growth that I need to not only stay sober but to find that one thing I have sought for so long: happiness.
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Post by mrbister on Nov 4, 2007 5:07:42 GMT -5
Hello there sandpaper. Your journal seems really excellent. Your reflections are deep, and I enjoy deep reflection myself. From what I've read so far I think we share many ideas about addiction and its effects as well as the line between reality and the internal world of the addict. Reality is certainly a better place to be. The less time we spend in it the more scary it seems to be. We can spend time not being in it in a variety of ways, obviously addiction, but also all other forms of escapism, and even dwelling too much on the potential pitfalls of getting on with existing in reality. I am not condemning all forms of escapism here - there are certainly advantages of listening to music, watching films, reading books etc. I think it can help you find a sense of peace when you feel to stressed and overloaded. When the mind is just so busy for so long that the stress and pressure is immense. But it's a double-edged blade and too much time spent persuing escapist activity can make reality a much scarier place than it really is. Taking in what's around you fully and seeing connections and important aspects of things you wouldn't otherwise seem a product of existing in reality. Perhaps those coming from a position in which they spend comparitively little time in reality are better primed to realise this. Only by knowing what it is like to miss all of that experience can we really appreciate what it's like when we do experience it. Detachment from the world about us can leave us in a dark and remote place that is cold and somewhat abstract. Those who spend most of their time in reality and who always have done so are probably, by and large, less aware of these facets of existence that you notice so clearly. To them it is simply normal and they go about paying it all little attention. There are certainly exceptions to this, many great authors for example make their whole trade from being attentive to this sort of thing. However, it seems that we, as people who have been detached from reality in an extended way, must bare in mind one of two things. Either that we will inevitably get used to the experience of what is around us and come to take it for granted. Or that we must at least be remain actively mindful of our experiencing what is around us so as not to take it for granted in time. It may not be that we are certain to lose our clear perception of it, but it is almost certain that without continued active appreciation we may eventually come to take it for granted. This is not true in every case as I previously stated, but seems likely in most. So I think we should be careful not to lose this special sort of perception granted by what initially was a curse. Only a few are gifted with the capacity for this sort of reflection on the world. Don't waste such a joy.
I think your philosophical reflections are exellent. Keep it up. And keep up with your personal battle. Good luck.
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Post by mrbister on Nov 4, 2007 5:08:46 GMT -5
p.s. sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I'm not in the writing frame of mind and never intended to write so much!
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