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Post by sandpaper on Sept 30, 2007 22:31:28 GMT -5
Thanks for the post, CL. I think you're absolutely right about meditation. There was a spell awhile back (six or seven years, actually) when I meditated on a regular basis, and I was the "happiest" I had ever been. This sense of contentment was a direct product of having a calmer, more peaceful mind. I have endeavored to resume the practice but have failed to get around to it for the varied reasons that seem to always stand in the way of such things.
For the last few months I have, at the very least, taken to forcing myself to focus solely on what is before me when I have no excuse not to do so -- such as when I'm engaged in an otherwise innocuous activity (like my favorite example of tooth-brushing). I have generally been unsuccessful in this pursuit, as my mind seems to virtually always get pulled away toward some thought about something else. You're right that a more formal routine of meditation would increase my ability to focus on the moment. With your reminder about the value of meditation, I am now more motivated to resume such a practice.
Thanks again.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Sept 30, 2007 22:43:09 GMT -5
Day 42. Progress . . . I Think.
So yesterday, I experienced a very familiar event in this struggle: provocative images associated with my P/MB activity popped into my head unexpectedly. My response was different, however. True, on some level, I did feel provoked and entertained the idea of following the train of thought further. But, this sense of intrigue -- which was quite mild for me, I must say -- was overwhelmingly outweighed by another sensation: disgust. The notion of actually doing something P/MB related simply had no appeal whatsoever; indeed, it was a repulsive concept.
This feels like progress. But, at best, I remain cautiously optimistic: having been down this road before, I know there is much, much more in store for me.
SP
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Post by choselife on Oct 1, 2007 4:56:00 GMT -5
I woke up 25 minutes ago with the exact same thought. Focus on the moment; so the first task at hand was taking care of the pets - letting dogs out; feeding dogs and cats; cleaning litter. I can't tell you how many times my mind wandered away from the task. Yet, I was more focused than usual, just by attempting to focus on the moment. That felt good. Sounds a little bizarre to say that I felt somewhat empowered,and more optimistic about being focused throughout the days on my work. As much as I appreciate your thank you from a couple of days ago, I am going to tell you what I would appreciate more than anything else, and you can probably guess what it is. Let us, one day at a time, be accountable to each other on doing our best to focus on the moment, and reporting back to each other (via our journals) on our experience. Being in the moment is such a fundamental part of staying sober and living a successful life in every sense of the word. Lets not procrastinate on this. Lets not wait until we think we can do it at a high level of success because of practicing formal meditation first. Better to do our best now, and our best will keep getting better and better. So, do we have a deal?
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 1, 2007 7:39:31 GMT -5
Absolutely, we have a deal, CL. That sounds like a great idea.
Lately, I've been really trying to work on this and have been frustrated with my inability (or, more likely, unwillingless) to just be in the moment. I know it can be done. The most powerful evidence of this is that there is no reason not to: when I'm brushing my teeth I have no reason to ruminate about something that happened six hours earlier or that will happen six hours later. So it is with your taking care of your pets: the task is what it is; nothing more, nothing less, and the value of that experience, as with any other, resides in the experience itself -- not in the mind.
Anyway, thanks again, and I'm looking forward to staying accountable on this.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 1, 2007 23:50:36 GMT -5
Day 43. That Which I Take For Granted.
Every day I routinely assume certain things will and won't happen. Most of these assumptions I really can't make; for whether they happen is largely, if not completely, out of my control. These things include the assumption that:
I will wake up in the morning.
My SO, son, friends, family, and all my loved ones will wake up in the morning.
I will not be physically or mentally disabled by disease or accident and neither will my loved ones.
I will always have the nutritional nourishment I need and want and will always be able to provide the same for my son.
My SO will always care for and love me.
My family members will always care for and love me.
My mother will be there when I call.
My SO and son will come home safe and sound from their trip to the grocery store.
I will always have a warm and loving family (immediate and extended) with whom to celebrate good times and to whom I may turn in times of need.
I will always have a roof over my head and a place to call home.
This is just a small sampling of the great litany of things I take for granted every day. What I need to see is that, not only can I not expect these things to always be there, but I must be eternally grateful for every moment that they are.
SP
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Post by choselife on Oct 2, 2007 5:43:08 GMT -5
Great post, Sandpaper. On the "living in the moment" pledge, just want to quickly let you know that I had a good day yesterday. It helped calm me down, felt more present in the moment for the most part throughout the day; it was relaxing. I don't have time for details now. I don't expect to do this even close to perfectly, but every bit helps, and it will be a gradual transition. Sorry, I don't have time for details, because I have to get ready for work. But one quick insight is that its a lot easier to be in the moment when I am not in a rush, like I am right now.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 2, 2007 22:38:38 GMT -5
Glad you had a good day, CL. There's no doubt that this is a gradual process -- one likely to last a lifetime. I too have been doing my best to stay in the here-and-now, even though with only small steps. I developed a short mantra to help me. When I'm in one of those moments where I have no excuse but to pay attention to the moment and yet struggle with doing so, I say to myself, "Nothing exists other than this moment in time." I repeat this mantra until my mind quiets down. It seems to help a bit.
Day 44. Lurking In The Shadows.
Last night I was visited by very intense dreams of a sexual nature; so intense that I've been a bit disturbed all day. As much as I hate going through that, I suppose there are two lessons to take away from it: (1) My addiction is a powerful force that I cannot take lightly because it is always lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce when I'm in a weak moment; and (2) Such dreams are yet another reason why I should do everything in my power to overcome this addiction; I simply do not want to take pleasure in such things or think in ways consistent with the addictive behavior -- even at a subconscious level.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 5, 2007 9:28:51 GMT -5
Day 46. Father In Town.
My dad flew in town last night. I haven't seen him in sometime. I'm looking forward to talking with him further about his struggle with these types of impulses and to getting other things out on the table that have been festering for years.
Staying In The Moment.
I must confess that I haven't been very successful at staying in the present; nothing unusual. But, I continue to make the effort every day. So, at the very least, I stay fully aware of the opportunities I have to be in the here-and-now. I just need to take advantage of them. Like this recovery process, I get a little better at it every day.
With my dad in town, I may not get back to the board for a day or two. I'll check in soon as I can.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 5, 2007 23:03:33 GMT -5
Checkin' In Because It's The Right Thing To Do.
I'm just checking in because, at the moment, I'm in a quiet place on my own, and coming here is just the safe thing to do. I do this when I need to be reminded of the zillion reasons why I need and should stay away from P/MB. It is so damn easy to forget, or more likely, be deluded into thinking I needn't worry about the situation. Thus, I shall ramble on . . .
As I noted earlier today, my dad is in town at the moment. It's always a bit awkward being around him, for many different reasons. I've stated in the past that he has struggled (and apparently continues to struggle) with sexual compulsiveness. One thing I may not have mentioned is that my paternal grandfather (who recently passed away) also used P. So have (do) all four of my uncles, and, guess which side of the family they're on? Yes, my father's. I learned about my grandfather's use surreptitiously; my uncles have made it obvious.
I don't know to what extent any of them have been or may be addicted to P and/or MB, but, based on what I know about them in general, I don't think it would be too much of stretch to conclude that their use of P and/or MB was or is problematic on some level. And, even if P/MB is not a problem for them, my grandfather, father, and all of his brothers are alcoholics. On my mother's side of the family, my grandmother was addicted to prescription drugs for more than 30 years. Incidentally, her last child (my mother's brother and my uncle) was born during the height of this abuse, and he is severely mentally retarded.
At any rate, there's little I can about the lineage of P/MB use and addictive tendencies in my family. It's just interesting (and sometimes frightening) to ponder the possible genetic component and/or predisposition involved in my P/MB addiction.
Enough of the rambling. Having checked in here, I can now move on to other activities without fear of being drawn down the dark path in my moment of solitude. I shall check back again soon.
Ciao, SP
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Post by choselife on Oct 6, 2007 3:06:35 GMT -5
Just stopping in to say hello and wish you well.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 7, 2007 12:52:33 GMT -5
Thanks for the wish, CL. I hope all remains well with you.
Day 49. Not A Good Day.
So yesterday was not a good day for me. I couldn't seem to focus well on anything. I felt irritable, angry, and just simply frustrated. Though I would like to be able to pinpoint a particular event as the cause for the turmoil, I cannot do so. It was unlike any other day, really. All of my "problems" (i.e., the same old package of concerns about work, family, interpersonal issues, etc.) were the same. The only difference was in my head: my perspective was cloudy and near-sighted, and I let all those things wear me down. And, to top it off, I had another one of those intense, addiction-inspired dreams that leave me shaken and troubled with myself.
I think every day presents the possibility for such strife and anxiety because, at any moment, we can find something troublesome or difficult about which to fret. The good thing is, I didn't (and wasn't really tempted to) use the situation as an excuse, reason, or justification for P/MB activity. But, it's all a matter of degree; such states of mind generally set the stage for acting out. So I must be careful. All the more reason to keep trying to focus on the present.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 7, 2007 23:00:47 GMT -5
Day 49 Continued. The Proof Is In The Pudding.
(You may note that I've added a day to the total number of days. Not cheating; just realized that I'd miscalculated the total.)
So the events of today were essentially the same as yesterday. Of course there were variations, but nothing material. I engaged in virtually the same activities in pretty much the same sequence. I also encountered the same type of problems, and the ongoing problems in my life certainly didn't evaporate overnight. Yet, mentally and emotionally, I felt balanced and clear. The only difference between today and yesterday was my perspective: I didn't let my troubles eat away at me. That's another way of saying I was able to focus more on what was before me and take advantage of the wisdom that worrying about my "problems" simply generates needless stress.
The missing piece of the puzzle is to determine how and why I experienced these two virtually identical days in radically different ways. Theoretically, being aware of the perils in indulging the mind's propensity to ruminate needlessly, I should be in complete control of my perspective. But, it doesn't seem to work that way. My poor perspective yesterday and my positive one today seems to have been largely out of my control. I've noticed that this is usually the case. It's as if I wake up in the morning predisposed to a particular perspective and I'm limited to working within that range but can't break out of the general frame of mind bestowed upon me. This I must consider further.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 8, 2007 16:13:20 GMT -5
Day 50. Trepidation.
I begin therapy again tonight. While I'm looking forward to the benefits of the process, I must admit I'm fearful of the pain that inevitably goes along with it.
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 9, 2007 22:53:44 GMT -5
Day 51. Therapy's A Good Thing.
To state the obvious, it's a good thing I'm back in therapy. I remain a bit nervous about the whole thing, but I know that's natural. On balance, I'm looking forward to working through these issues and using therapy as yet another tool to learn how to stand on solid ground without the need to escape from reality.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Oct 12, 2007 0:03:36 GMT -5
Day 53. The Saga Continues.
The saga of the battle between what I know is true and how I actually think and behave, that is.
Like so many other days in the past, I spent most of the day today in a muddy state of mind, worrying about this and that, all the while being well aware that doing so was a complete waste of time and energy. That is the most frustrating part: knowing that I'm just needlessly draining energy. But, even worse, as I've alluded to before, I don't seem to be in control of this roller coaster. It's like someone or something else decides what kind of perspective I will have for the day and therefore dictates how I will feel.
I don't think this should be the case. I believe I can and should be able to gain control over the seemingly neurotic wanderlust of my mind. I just need to figure out how. In the meantime, I will keep making efforts to focus on the here-and-now, practicing patience, and trying to appreciating what I have.
As abstract as these things may sound, for me at least, I believe they are intimately connected to my P/MB problem. P/MB is just one symptom of some much, much deeper issues.
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