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Post by sandpaper on Nov 4, 2007 9:33:32 GMT -5
Mrbister,
Thanks for the encouragement, and, since I've already done so, I'd like to welcome you to the board.
Interestingly, part of me has always felt that, in an ironically bizarre sort of way, this addiction -- and my general tendency to want to escape from reality -- might be a blessing in disguise. And your comments aptly articulate why: the negative emotions and feelings that I experience on account of these tendencies are part of the reason I can experience the opposite sensations.
That is, but for having seen and experienced the darkness, I wouldn't be motivated or able to see or experience the good things in life. Those dark and empty experiences that I so detest are, at least in part, what render me capable of appreciating a sense of wholeness and satisfaction -- or at least the thought of obtaining those things, as they still remain out of my reach for the most part.
I suppose another way of looking at it is to note that this is just the way I am: I can't change the fact that I am disposed toward addictive tendencies and escapism. I can either use that disposition as a means to remain stagnant or as a means to grow. And I choose the latter approach.
Thanks again for your insightful comments. Take care.
Sandpaper
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Post by mrbister on Nov 4, 2007 10:36:05 GMT -5
No problem sandpaper. I'm glad we share a point of view on this. There is definitely a choice about whether to allow our problems to stagnate us or to channel them into a means of growth. In being stagnated not only are we limiting ourselves, but we are also allowing the addiction to rule us. In overcoming addiction, if nothing else, one may as well take the benefit of some growth. However, all the better to really utilise it to its greatest potential. As a source of growth the curse can be used as a blessing. So either succumb and stagnate (or worse face regress and degeneration), or overcome and grow. When expressed in such a way it really doesn't seem like there is even a choice.
I also see that you're a member of the meditation accountability circle which I myself have just joined. I'm sure that as addicts there is much to benefit from meditation. It seems that you have a tendency toward the deep, be it in writing here or in personal meditation. I think such a tendency is something everyone could benefit from. Reflection and contemplation are important in overcoming the strifes of addiction. Amongst other things it also seems there are useful techniques to be learned from meditation in helping ourselves. I like to try and practice the allowing of thoughts to flow straight through the mind without dwelling on them. If dwelt upon addictive thoughts are able to grow. But in leaving them alone they are stunted before they become problematic. In my experience this can be a great help.
Thanks for your insightful journal. I hope to enjoy many more reflective posts. You take care too.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 4, 2007 13:40:38 GMT -5
Indeed, and I think is true for anyone, whether suffering from an addiction or simply seeking a way to find more satisfaction in life.
Meditation (formal and informal, as I've discussed previously) and contemplation are, for me at least, essential to both facing this addiction and undertaking the personal growth that is necessary to finding a sense of wholeness.
I look forward to sharing ideas about this process in the accountability circle.
Sandpaper
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 5, 2007 23:57:00 GMT -5
Day 78. A Vist From My Old Foe.
I must, briefly, postpone the initiation of my aforementioned plan to examine the individual characteristics, traits, and behaviors that define my experience with this addiction and my life. I must first describe the peculiar encounter I had today, which, incidentally, is quite relevant to this impending examination.
Today I was visited by an old friend (or, perhaps better stated, an old foe): my most famous rationalization for falling back into P/MB. Today was generally not a good day; mentally and emotionally, at least. I was a bit down, my mind was a bit cloudy, and my mood was a bit heavy. As a result, I met the experiences of the day with a poor and impatient attitude: everything seemed burdensome, difficult, and frustrating.
It was a classic day to be drawn back into the raging waters of my addiction. And my old foe, arriving in his fanciest dress, conveniently seized upon the opportunity. I listened to him for a moment. His voice was quiet, but unmistakable. He whispered sweet nothings in my ear, beckoning me back toward the raging waters . . . but ever so carefully. He knew that I knew what lay in store for me should I jump in. So, being the sly character that he is, he told me to just come to the edge of the river and take a peek at the waters below; taking a little peek never hurt, right?
When my old foe saw that he couldn't fool me with this trick, he took it up a notch and hit me where it really hurt: he pointed out how miserable my day was and how much time I spend feeling unhappy, empty, and dissatisfied with myself and life in general. He said that was concrete evidence that I might as well jump head first back into P/MB: if I'm going to be miserable, why not have some fun along with way? This is a powerful argument he has made many times in the past, and he usually wins me over with it. But I mustered up the strength to ignore him. He continued to prod me, but, eventually, his pleas abated and his voice went away.
As troubling as this visit was, I am thankful for it. Among the litany of rationalizations I have employed to justify continuing my use of P/MB, this one -- that I might as well use P/MB because I'm unhappy either way -- has traditionally been the most powerful. While I have always at some level understood that it, like the rationalizations, is simply a sham, I saw this more clearly than ever today. True, I am often unhappy and despondent, regardless of whether I'm acting out. But the misery and despair I experience when caught up in the raging waters of this addiction is far, far worse than the periodic unhappiness I feel on account of the growing pains involved in facing reality without the false security P/MB purports to provide me. And, what's more, acting out won't solve those problems -- or, indeed, any of the other everyday struggles life hands me.
So, it with great pleasure that I bid a solemn (and hopefully final) adieu to an old foe: you shall fool me no longer.
Sandpaper
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Post by C2M on Nov 7, 2007 7:48:47 GMT -5
I've scanned through your journal and without being intentionally sadistic it is riviting stuff. Your journey is definatly one I can identify with.
C2m
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 9, 2007 0:28:17 GMT -5
Hi C2M,
Thanks for the post. It's definitely a journey; I'm just trying to figure out what it all means. For better or for worse, I suspect I will continue to do so until the day I die.
Day 81. Selling Myself Short.
I have become acutely aware of something recently: the manner in which I resolve personal matters and advocate on behalf of myself. I am generally very good at advocating the interests of others and objectively analyzing their problems; indeed, as a lawyer, I need to be. But, when it comes to myself, things are quite different. I am extremely indecisive, often impatient, and struggle to see things clearly. I'm finding more and more that when I'm trying to resolve a personal matter (whether it be financial, social, or otherwise), I need to seek an outside point of view. Otherwise, I often end up making poor judgments on behalf of myself or my family.
I've been thinking about the reasons for this. An obvious component is the simple fact that it is hard to be objective about one's own personal matters. I can only take this so far, however. The bigger problem is the same one that seems to underlie most of my emotional hang-ups: low self-esteem. I start with the presumption that I have little to offer others and thus don't deserve much from others. This, not surprisingly, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy: because I don't think I deserve much, I don't seek much, and thus I don't get much. In other words, I sell myself short and I get what I pay for.
Anyway, I don't mean to imply that I'm a total loser who can't get anything done. I achieved many things in my life; whether those things were worthwhile is the subject of another discussion. But the fact is, by and large, whatever I've achieved, I've done so in spite of myself. I have been my own worst enemy throughout most of my life: I am the first to criticize, demean, or second-guess my decisions, abilities, and value. I seem to have the unending desire to obtain the approval of others, but, ironically, once I get that approval, I discard it and substitute my own negative appraisals of myself.
Once again, I've outlined the problem. The real work is actually doing something about it. That is my task.
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Post by choselife on Nov 9, 2007 8:47:37 GMT -5
I sure relate to that, particularly in regard to my sex (or should I say "lack of sex" life.
Unfortunately, this doesn't help me, enough as I have known this for such a long time. But this knowledge is overcome by the thrill of P or acting out, even by merely the escape value of it. It is a lot easier to head in that direction than to confront the pain and disappointment that is part of the human condition. I say it that way because I don't believe my life is particularly more painful than anybody elses. So, ultimately, when I hit that fork in the road where I am experiencing some feelings or emotions that are triggering escaping, which voice will I listen to? Too often, I have listened to the wrong voice. Its only by listening to the right voice that I can grow and learn, and gradually build the confidence that I can handle all of the unknown, all of the pain, all of the feelings that I will encounter along that path. That path must be gone down time and time again, it must become a habit, must become at least the rule and not the exception. That path leads to a treasured and valued life, regardless of the pain encountered along the way. It leads to a place that my gut tells me I will be thrilled to arrive at. It is like climbing up a steep mountain path, and finally arriving at the summit where I can both look down and see how far that I have travelled, and look outward at the endless view showing the almost endless possibiltiies that are out there. The path that I have been on is a circle, an endless loop, always leading back eventually to the same crossroads, sometimes taking a hell of a lot longer to even get back to the same crossroads, due to being on autopilot PA/SA fog mode. Its the cycle of my addiction, or whatever I may choose to call it.
CL
experientially learn that I can handle going down the unknown, scary and full of sometimes painful feelings path, and
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 10, 2007 15:51:45 GMT -5
Day 83. Strong Waves.
I'm checking in here because I've had some strong waves of urges today, which has been disconcerting. So far, I've stayed above the fray by exercising, taking a shower, and focusing hard on what I know about this process. Next, I plan to meditate for a good spell and then get out of the house for the day.
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Post by choselife on Nov 11, 2007 8:12:21 GMT -5
What has/had triggered the urges? I would expect that some useful work can be done exploring that.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 11, 2007 9:42:08 GMT -5
(CL, thanks for checking in. I hope to answer your question below.)
Day 84. Causal Factors.
As I noted yesterday, I experienced some strong waves of urges. These, however, were of a different breed than the subtle prodding of the voice I encountered earlier in the week. These urges were of the visceral kind; distinctly physical urges to act out. Thinking about the causal factors, I have seen them all before: fatigue, alcohol, and overconsumption.
The night before last, I went to a wedding. While there, I had several alcoholic drinks and, as one often does when surrounded by mountains of food for hours and hours, I ate too much. I have never a had a problem, per se, with drinking or eating, but I have noticed that drinking more than a few drinks or eat substantially more than I need creates problems for me in the PA context.
First, such behavior tends to place me in a sort of gluttonous or compulsive mode; that is, it encourages excessive and needless consumption. Second, if I have more than a few alcoholic drinks in one sitting, I have trouble sleeping; often, it means I will only sleep a few hours. The combination of these factors paves the way for my PA to coming knocking at the door, and in a very strong way.
And so it was yesterday morning. I woke up tired after having only slept a few hours and, after having eaten like a pig, I was in the mode of excessive consumption. It wasn't long before the strong waves of urges hit. I became quite concerned. The first thing I did was come here and post that message. Then, I immediately got off line. For the fatigue, I took a nap. When I woke up, I exercised to quell the physical urges. Finally, to remove all temptations and clear my mind, I left the house and spent the entire day outside enjoying the fresh air. I also made sure that I limited the amount of food I ate to no more than what I needed.
Time and again I return to what Aristotle described as the "the Golden Mean": the midpoint between two extremes, each of which is a vice. In drinking too much and eating too much, I am flirting with vice. It is not at all surprising that my PA should surface in such a strong way during these times. In fact, it makes complete sense, because, for me at least, such behaviors are all part of the same network. It is merely a difference in degree, not in kind.
Of course, the best thing to do is to avoid overconsumption in the first place. Fortunately, I had the time and the wherewithal to take the necessary corrective actions. I cannot assume I will always have that luxury.
Sandpaper
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Post by mrbister on Nov 11, 2007 10:55:20 GMT -5
Well done staying in control sandpaper. Sounds like you've been having a tough few days. I'm sure if anyone can keep going in spite of so much adversity it's you. You're incredibly perceptive and that is a great weapon to have in fending off urges. Stick with it. Look at all the benefits you've got out of fighting the urges.
Glad you've kept control.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 14, 2007 1:41:05 GMT -5
Thanks again for the encouragement, Mr. B. You are most kind.
Day 86. Changing My Tune.
Divide and conquer; that has been my m.o. to date. That is, my approach to this process has historically been to (1) inventory and catalogue all of my problematic traits, characteristics, and behaviors; (2) analyze in what ways they perpetuate my PA problem or otherwise interfere with a normal life; and (3) make assertions about what I need to or should do in order to rectify those issues.
Sure, this approach has some utility. If nothing else, it gives me something to do in this process; I feel productive. It also forces me to see things about myself which actually do require some corrective action. But, in thinking about this further and in discussions with my therapist, I have found that this approach is really yet another outgrowth of the main problem underlying all of my emotional hang-ups: the endless need to control things.
I have spent most of the waking hours of my life trying to control my environment in various ways. In the main, I do this through trying to shape the opinions and behaviors of others with the end purpose of making things more secure for myself. A classic example is misrepresenting my beliefs or opinions -- either mildly or blatantly -- in the hopes of obtaining the respect, admiration, or affection of another person. What's even more problematic with this approach is that it assumes I have the ability to control the way others think about me, and that I should try to do so.
This pathology presents itself in a similar way in the PA context. By constantly critiquing the psychological and emotional underpinnings of this issue, what I'm really doing is trying to control the situation with my mind. What's more, it shows that I think I have the ability to do so. While, as I've stated, there is some merit to using my mind in this process, I cannot "solve" these concerns mentally. The "solutions," if they are any concrete ones, are not amenable to precise calculation. And, I need to let go of the delusion that they are, just like I need to let go of the delusion that I can and should control the thoughts and behaviors of others. Indeed, following such an approach simply keeps me caught up in a vicious cycle of negative energy: I identity an emotional problem within myself, seek to solve it with my mind, can't do so, and then get depressed about it.
After years and years of following this approach in virtually every aspect of my life, I have a mountain of emotions buried deep inside of me. What I need to do is let those emotions break through the surface, and I can only do that if I let go of the idea that I can control my emotional life with my mind.
And so I make my next assertion about what I will do in this process: I will try my best to focus on my feelings and experiences, instead of my mental calculations about how to "solve" the problems of life. In this way, I hope to begin to not only walk a clearer path of recovery from my PA, but also "solve" those burning questions I've had my whole life: Who in the hell am I, anyway, and what the hell do I want?
SP
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Post by mrbister on Nov 15, 2007 6:36:53 GMT -5
No problem.
Great post about the psychology of control here. I'm pretty sure I have the same problem. Although having realised it to an extent I have certainly lessened its severity. IT used to be far worse. I'm sure you know what I mean when I say it can cause problems with other people - especially those close to you. You want to control what they think, this can cause ridiculously trivial arguments.
Misrepresenting your beliefs, or anything else about yourself, is a big issue too isn't it? I suppose this kind of behaviour can be caused from the need to control, but it could also be caused by the desire to be liked (feeling strongly that you are an object in the lives of others and need to fulfil their opinions of you). Anyway, perhaps the second is a subconscious derivative of the first, perhaps not. The point is, trying to control what others think (about you, or as an extension of this about what you believe) and not succeeding can lead one to feel self-conscious. (Or, in a sense, vulnerable. As you said, it is supposed to make things more secure for yourself.)
In truth however, it seems that doing this is the opposite of what we should be doing. We need to relax and feel secure about ourselves. We need to stop the need to control what's around us. We feel naturally vulnerable, but what we need to do is accept this state as a fact of existence. Become accepting of it. Instead of trying to combat it we must face it, learn from it. Realise that it is a part of ourselves that we are vulnerable and that this is ok, it is not something we must escape.
Recently I have started looking into Buddhist philosophy. I have heard this topic dealt with, or at least heard something that addresses this matter as part of a bigger picture. It is a buddhist belief that we must accept suffering. We should not try to fight it. So seemingly we must accept that we are sometimes vulnerable, and not fully in control. We only suffer with it because we believe it is something that should be corrected when in truth it is not. You and I both have suffered with the pressure of trying to control what is around us. However, I realised that I was happiest when I relinquished this intense need to control. I have not been able to do this all the time, but I have managed some of the time. My realisation of this occurred before I heard this buddhist belief. So when I did hear it said as a buddhist principle I realised just exactly how much sense it really made. It was more clearly expressed and explained than I had had time to realise for myself. But it put everything into context for me. Similarly, reading your latest post had this sort of effect - I only realised exactly what it was about me, this issue of control, after seeing what you and your therapist had discovered. I had a vague notion of it beforehand, but never a full understanding. This problem is perfectly met by the buddhist solution so far as I can see. It's funny how most solutions are so obvious and simple, yet so often are incredibly hard to apply.
Also, doesn't it seem interesting that the things we find most interesting going on around us are those things over which we don't have control, that simply go on as themselves? The kind of beauty that we see in a flock of seagulls whirling around has a strangely deep meaningfulness to it. Perhaps it is that we see the world simply getting on in the way it was meant to - not thinking too much, but feeling a great deal. Perhaps more than just feeling too, rather existing. It doesn't mean that thinking is wrong, but thinking in certain ways leads us erroneously to have anxieties, concerns and problems that we shouldn't. It seems to alter our individual connection with the world, and mess it all up.
Taoists put it well when they say that there are times when we should not think too much. If we concentrate too hard on something it can become troublesome, perhaps even impossible. They have an analogy which uses a millipede. The millipede focusses incredibly hard on moving it's many legs to walk, but it simply can't get it to work. However, as soon as it sees some food, and it's mind is taken off the specific process of walking, it simply walks over to it, not stopping to think about the activity of walking in the process yet carrying it out perfectly. Sometimes if we think about things too much they become troublesome, we must simply get on with the business of doing the things in order to proceed.
I'm not saying here that we should never spend time thinking, nor am I saying that thinking is a negative activity. But there are certainly truths in these things don't you think? We must take from them what we can.
Well, I wish you good luck focussing more on feelings and experiences, and less on thinking. Also, good luck getting to grips with those burning questions.
All the best, and sorry for this massive post. Didn't want to hijack your journal!
Mr. B
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 17, 2007 14:57:02 GMT -5
Mr. B,
Once again, I appreciate your thoughts, which are most insightful and perceptive. I too have found the Buddhist tenets quite relevant and helpful -- not only in this recovery process, but also in trying to develop and follow a perspective of the world that will most likely bring happiness. You may have already come across it, but if not, I highly recommend getting a copy of the Dhammapada, edited by Eknath Eswaran. The introduction to the book sets forth Buddha's Four Noble Truths, which discuss the role of suffering in life and what we are to make of it:
"The First Truth, brothers, is the fact of suffering. All desire happiness, sukha: what is good, pleasant, right, permanent, joyful, harmonious, satisfying, at ease. Yet all find the life brings duhka, just the opposite: frustration, dissatisfaction, incompleteness, suffering, sorrow. Life is change, and change can never satisfy desire. Therefore everything that changes brings suffering.
"The Second Truth is the cause of suffering. It is not life that brings sorrow, but the demands we make on life. The cause of duhka is selfish desire: trishna, the thirst to have what one wants and to get one's own way. Thinking life can make them happy by bringing what they want, people run after satisfaction of their desires. But they get only unhappiness, because selfishness can only bring sorrow.
"There is no fire like selfish desire, brothers. Not a hundred years of experience can extinguish it, for the more you feed it, the more it burns. It demands what experience cannot give: permanent pleasure unmixed with anything unpleasant. But there is no end to such desires; that is the nature of the mind. Suffering because life cannot satisfy selfish desire is like suffering because a banana tree will not bear mangoes.
"There is a Third Truth, brothers. Any ailment that can be understood can be cured, and suffering that has a cause has also an end. When the fires of selfishness have been extinguished, when the mind is free of selfish desire, what remains is the state of wakefulness, of peace, of joy, of perfect health, called 'that which is extinguished': nirvana.
"The Fourth Truth, brothers, is that selfishness can be extinguished by following an eightfold path: right understanding, right purpose, right speech, right conduct, right occupation, right effort, right attention, and right meditation. If the dharma [the understanding that all of life is one] is a wheel, these eight are its spokes."
Buddha then goes on to explain the eightfold path, which is also a very enlightening discussion. These words are so full of meaning that one could spend a lifetime understanding and following the truth they reveal, as Buddha himself did.
Buddha explains the mechanism of suffering is attachment -- to things, ideas, events, and people. That is, we desire to capture and hold onto things; we want permanence in the things that bring us happiness -- youth, our loved ones, our past. As those things change -- as we grow older and suffer ailments, as we watch our parents and grandparents age and die, as the fire of an old romance fades away, as we watch the neighborhood and communities in which we grew up become new places with new people -- we feel uneasy. Time marches on, relentlessly, and we suffer.
At bottom, I think, the suffering about which Buddha speaks is rooted in the same problem we have previously discussed: our need or desire to control our environments. And most of our efforts toward achieving this kind of control are executed with the mind. Indeed, it is our mind that allows us to take solace in the delusion that we can and do control things over which we truly have no control. In this vein, your discussion about the benefits of living or acting without thought is quite pertinent: while the power of the human mind is undoubtedly a gift, it can be our greatest enemy to achieving happiness.
Sandpaper
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Post by choselife on Nov 18, 2007 8:59:34 GMT -5
Hello, SP. So, I am reading through your post on the 14th, following what you are saying very well, and relating to it. As I am reading about your desire to control, I have an insight about you that I am so excited to share. The insight is that with our intellectual well-thought out ramblings, it is all part of our attempt to control (hard to articulate this exactly). And the opposite of what we are doing, the path that would allow us to release that control, truly be in the moment, to make ourselves vulnerable, would be to FEEL. To be conscious of our emotions, to be brave enough to experience those emotions, not knowing where they might take us. To cry, to laugh, to feel sad in the moment, to suddenly be exhilarated, to have no clue in the present moment what the next moment will bring to us.
And then I get to your next paragraph, and see that you have the same insight. I so hope that we take that next step. I so know that escaping into P and the like will totally stop us from taking that step, as every time that I entertain the thoughts of indulging in that escape, there is some emotion under the surface that I am squashing like if I stomped out an ant with my foot. Its dead, its gone. Other ants will come along, but the moment is gone. I have spent most of my life stomping out an ant hill of ants.
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