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Post by sandpaper on Nov 18, 2007 13:47:14 GMT -5
More and more I am coming to believe that this is the fruit of life: raw experience, unfiltered by our fears and trepidations.
Thanks for the post, CL. There is a strong and determined tone in your messages of late, and I'm glad to see that.
Take care.
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Post by mrbister on Nov 19, 2007 11:45:21 GMT -5
SP,
Thank you for the book reccommendation. I will certainly take the time to look at it. I have read the Noble Truths and eightfold path, one could certainly spend a lifetime coming to truly understand them (or at least a good six years or so as the Buddha allegedly did!). Seriously though, there is an incredible amount of depth to be found in them isn't there? I have just finished reading an introductory guide to Buddhism which clarified much of what I previously heard as well as teaching me of some new things which I had no idea of.
It is certainly right to say that our need to control arises from our human desire to avoid suffering. Clearly, attempting to control is a means to fulfilling the desire we have to still our fear of insecurity and instability. We suffer with anxiety over insecurity, and we attempt to end this suffering by ending the insecurity with control. If possible it would allow us to maintain our attachment to what makes us happy or does not make us unhappy. However, we know that we do not have the sort of control that would enable that. We will inevitably be left insecure and unstable.
I greatly appreciate the time you spent in writing out the four noble truths as presented in the book you reccommended. Not only is it useful for our discussion, but it spreads some of the understanding that it can bring to our problem to any others who also read your journal. That is surely a great thing.
I enjoy our conversations here.
Good luck in your continued recovery.
Mr. B.
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Post by mrbister on Nov 19, 2007 11:45:50 GMT -5
P.S. thanks for the comment you left on my journal.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 21, 2007 0:42:27 GMT -5
Thanks to you too, Mr. B. Given the depth of your posts regarding Buddhism, I suspected you already had a copy of the Four Noble Truths but, as you say, it was a good exercise to write them out. And I think you're right: the need for (excessive) control appears to be at the center of most of human tendencies that interfere with our ability to realize our true potential -- at least from an emotional (or "spiritual," as some might say) perspective.
Day 93. Ragged Seams.
In keeping with my new commitment to at least attempt to focus more on my feelings throughout this process, I must describe a particular set of feelings I am experiencing now: the sensation of coming apart at the seams.
As I've stated before, I often feel a bit vulnerable and weak walking around without my trusty P/MB crutch. But sometimes when I'm away from my crutch for a very lengthy period of time, such as like right now, I begin to feel weak at a more fundamental level. It's a sensation at the core of my being -- the "nuts and bolts" of who I am -- that things are shifting. That is, I'm changing or, perhaps more likely, becoming aware of feelings, emotions, and knowledge about myself and the world that I've kept buried and obscured with delusion.
This is a very unnerving experience, and mostly because I do not even understand what exactly is going on. One of the many fears I have about living without P/MB and its associated package of friendly delusions is that I won't like what I find on the other side. What if this "real" person I so ardently seek to find is not whom I want to be? Is it possible that I've been hiding from this person for good reason? Maybe he's not someone I should embrace. Maybe he should stayed buried like he has been for all these years. Indeed, would it not be a tragedy to go through the pain of "finding myself" only to discover that I have no desire to be that person anyway?
I have stood on this precipice before, wondering whether it makes sense to surge forward down this potentially perilous path. And the ensuing conflict has always resolved itself in the same way: I turn around, pick up my trusty P/MB crutch, and limp away in the other direction -- headed back toward the misery of the addictive cycle, but safe from having to face the possibility that the "real" me is even worse than the addict.
The easiest response to this mindless meandering is to say that it's simply another rationalization, another means through which I delude myself back into the addictive cycle. And this response has merit. Indeed, look at where these feelings have always led me: back to P/MB.
Certainly, in following this path, I experience moments of clarity and satisfaction that would not be possible without avoiding P/MB. But, for the most part, it's a painful process to absorb these core shifts, changes, and realizations (most of which I don't even understand). And the deeper and deeper I dig through the layers of hardened delusions, the more and more I fear what I will find. Waging this conflict -- between wanting desperately to find myself and being deathly afraid to learn the truth -- makes me feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 24, 2007 15:19:40 GMT -5
Day 97. Landmines. So I've been thinking -- imagine that . This road toward recovery is full of landmines. No matter how much we try to avoid triggering events, we will inevitably encounter them. I can do everything in my power to avoid contact with P or placing myself in situations likely to awaken the addict within me. But, inevitably, I will be confronted with triggering events -- whether it be images in a run-of-the-mill movie, pictures on the front cover of magazines at checkout stands, provocative conversations of others that I happen to overhear, P-related dreams, or just that random P-related image that pops into my head. This highlights two central truisms in this process. First, it illustrates that simply taking efforts to avoid P and P-related things is not enough. The crucial factor is having the right attitude, being prepared mentally and emotionally to deal with the inevitable triggers and not acting upon them. Second, this emphasizes the need to let go of the delusion that I can, and should try to, control my world. No matter what I do, I simply can't change the fact that this road is full of landmines. My job is to try to avoid as many as possible, but to be prepared to deal with it when I run into one. SP
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 28, 2007 0:08:12 GMT -5
Day 100. Just Another Day.
On this my 100th day of technical sobriety (abstinence from P/MB), I have nothing profound to report; no brilliant revelations, learned wisdom, or useful advice. It is simply yet another day.
True, like every other day, today presents unique opportunities, most importantly, to enjoy life. But that's the rub, I suppose: the longer I'm away from P/MB, the more I understand why I got hooked on it in the first place. At this point, I really have very little interest in P/MB itself. In fact, the idea of those activities seems distinctly unappealing; almost despicable. But I do miss the addictive byproducts of those experiences.
While I always felt significant grief, misery, and despair after indulging myself in P/MB, once those feelings subsided, I felt a sense of calmness, tranquility, and balance. This period was always very transitory and somewhat conflicted, but it was, on the whole, highly satisfying. And, I have never been able to achieve that sense of balance and fortitude through any other means. This may explain why the transitory nature of the experience made it no less valuable: a small dose was better than none at all.
Don't get me wrong, it's certainly nice to be (at least technically) free from the vicious cycle of emotions that goes along with indulging in the addictive behavior. And I certainly have grown quite a bit emotionally -- if for no other reason than I simply had no choice. But, while I've made some headway in walking through life without my P/MB crutch, I still have a long, long way to go. First and foremost, I must find a place within myself where I can stand on solid ground and move forward confidently, instead of limping along with trepidation and fear. This requires either finding a different way to achieve the same level of peacefulness I found in using P/MB, or lowering my expectations about what I should expect in life; or, perhaps, a measure of both.
And so I move on . . . one day at a time.
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Post by sandpaper on Nov 30, 2007 23:44:42 GMT -5
Day 103. Another Reality Check.
Well, I've had a whirlwind of a week. I can point to a few concrete things to explain this, mostly that I've been working like mad to meet some deadlines, but also because I've been faced with some difficult questions about my future career ambitions. True, these are events that would likely cause stress for anyone. But, once again, I am reminded of how useless such stress is: worrying about these things doesn't help me solve them; it just gets in the way and drags me down.
Anyway, I, like CL, am trying to make a concerted effort to "feel" more, in general and specifically in the PA context. Indeed, that is my current assignment from my therapist. I have to say, I have not been particularly successful at this. Things always seem to get in the way, or, perhaps more likely, I let things get in the way of this. It has been especially difficult this week to make a real effort toward taking time for myself, discerning how I feel, and then honoring those feelings. I hope to do better with this: I think I'm going to have to literally force myself to block out time each day that is specifically devoted to this purpose.
SP
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Post by choselife on Dec 1, 2007 5:59:47 GMT -5
I found this so interesting to read. This week, I have been faced with very similar choices, other than not so related to career ambitions but more to raising my income a bit. My schedule is reasonably filled, but the option of adding a few client hours came up this week. I had been inclined to accepting it, but just yesterday decided not to, for the exact same reason as you. Although having time available to take care of myself in healthy ways (including to relax and feel my feelings) is far from a guarantee of doing it, it at least creates the possibility. If I truly use my time well, I absolutely would be able to find the time. If I add the hours, I will not be able to find the time. What's also interesting is that some part of me says that even with adding the extra hours, I should be able to find the time. And the key word is should, because by that I mean that there are many other people who would be able to find the time, but I'm not those other people. I know that I will feel overloaded and overwhelmed if I do so, largely due to the amount of effort and planning I put into my work. Also, I feel due to my current stress levels, that I need some bug-out time that I can fill in healthy ways (not the choice I've been making recently unfortunately). I have to accept what I am currently able to handle. With time, I may be able to handle more, but not now. Also, professionally in the long run, it will be better for me not to add the hours, as it will dilute the quality of my work. And, it also will add to my "stress" trigger toward acting out. I don't know how much of what I wrote applies to you, but perhaps, whatever your career ambitions are, they will be better served by temporarily delaying career ambitions and using that delay period wisely (as it seems you have been doing), i.e. having the time to feel your feelings, finding healthy ways to achieve that sense of calm, which for me frequently goes hand in hand with feeling centered, feeling positive, energetic, etc. Sounds like all of that wonderful stuff will fit in terrifically with a successful and significantly less stressed transition to your career goals. I hope this helps. Your post certainly helped me. It gives me a feeling of hope and optimism to read your post. I feel good about myself to so identify with how you experience life, as I see you as a very kind, caring and successful person. By the way, the prior paragraph was my unabashed attempt to lead with my feelings. I began the paragraph in a different way, and then consciously decided to change it. For example, in the first sentence, I initially had omitted the first word "I". In the next sentence, I had written that "it feels nice". Gee, "nice" is such a highly descriptive, personal and intense feeling. I think it would be a great idea for you to experiment in your posts in doing similar to what I just did. It would make me happy, but its your choice of course. I always want you to do what is best for yourself. (all right, that was sincere, but enough of that for now. I fear I am starting to sound a bit like one of the "serious" Hallmark cards.
CL
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 1, 2007 13:50:55 GMT -5
CL,
Thanks for the thoughtful post.
Congrats on making those tough decisions about your career and how to best balance it with your personal life. I've decided to take a sort of middle-of-the-road approach to the career ambition/change issue: I intend to pursue certain opportunities that should be profitable professionally and personally while "letting go" of them at the same time; that is, I'll do what needs to be done to open those doors but I'll also do my best not to worry about, or become attached to, the results of those efforts. Whatever happens is whatever happens; I already have a great job, so I can easily accept the status quo.
As to carving out specific time to address my feelings, I totally agree that would quite helpful at this point. I suppose there are two main issues involved: (1) how to rearrange or modify my schedule to free up the time for this task; and (2) once I have found that time, how I should spend it. My first thought would be some sort of meditative or contemplative activity. My therapist has a different idea: he thinks I should spend that time doing something "fun." He believes that, to dethaw those layers of frozen emotions and "feel" myself and the world around me, I must take time to enjoy life, to savor things, to just be happy.
I must say, this idea is quite intriguing. I suppose, ideally, one should do both: spend time both meditating and having "fun." Of course, as busy as most of us are, it is very difficult to find time to do just one of these things. This, I think, speaks once again to the significant importance of one's attitude. If we can keep the "right" attitude -- remembering that every day and every moment is unique and precious -- then every experience, from the mundane to the exhilarating -- would be both a "meditative" and a "fun" experience.
Alas, we are human. So, the best most of us can do is to make every effort we can to capture some of the bliss inherent in life, to see some of the wonder, and to feel some of beauty with which we are surrounded. This is my principal task now, and I'm certain it will prove to be a lifelong adventure -- an endless search for Aristotle's "Golden Mean." But perhaps it is in the search that we live the best life we can. Indeed, Thomas Jefferson's famous phrase is, "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
Take good care,
Sandpaper
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Post by mrbister on Dec 2, 2007 12:42:55 GMT -5
Having to "defrost layers of frozen emotion" seems very interesting indeed. In fact I've just been thinking of how I experience something similar to this from the way I understand what you've written. I tend not to experience emotions that are painful or stressful (perhaps they are the same thing) - they are supressed mercilessly by my brain without my having any say in the matter. Saying that, it might be that having awareness of the fact may give me say in the matter. But essentially the fact remains that I do not feel these painful things, my mind just shuts them out.
Is this what you experience? I have literally just been writing in my journal about this idea, and I thought I'd visit yours. Coming here I now see this, it's quite a coincidence which is why I feel so compelled to write.
That and the fact that previously what I've read here makes me think we have quite a bit in common psychologically-speaking.
So in what sense is it that fun will defrost these emotions? From my understanding, these emotions are shut off because they cause too much pain. Having fun is of course an antidote to pain. However, I can't imagine how it releases emotion. Unless of course it somehow makes you realise how life is, perhaps that it isn't so bad, and so in turn your brain is some way finds it can release the emotions because they aren't such a bad thing.
I recently had a somewhat cathartic experience - I cried fairly intensely about something which I had never really experienced emotion for previously. It was something big and painful which my mind seemed originally to have tried to suppress. I was aware of the fact that I'd not experienced emotion toward it but that didn't change anything. Then suddenly an episode of a television program caused me to release my emotion. Perhaps importantly I released that emotion to someone I am close to and who I trust (my girlfriend). However, could having fun result in the same experience? Is the process of defrosting your emotion something which will result in a release like this? I wasn't having fun when this happened to me, the tv program related specifically to the painful issue I released my emotions about.
I suppose fun is important in another way regardless of this: simply giving us release from stress which could otherwise trigger us.
Often it seems true that the real essence of something is the process of doing it, not the achieving of it. The essence of life is what we do during it, not how we end up at the end of it. Life isn't about the final end, it's about the getting there.
King Arthur's knights quested after the holy grail. Their lives were dedicated to finding it, it was what gave their lives meaning. If they eventually got the holy grail, what would they do with it?
Of course there are competing views. Still, it's interesting to think about.
Good luck in your pursuals.
Mr. B.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 2, 2007 14:24:41 GMT -5
Hi Mr. B.,
I hope all is well with you. Your question is a good one. The idea of having "fun" to release emotions is my therapist's theory. I too am not entirely certain of the connection between the two things. I think the main import of his idea is to take time each day to do something for myself; that is, something I enjoy. The "fun" component probably just happens to grow naturally out of the experience, since we typically find the things we enjoy to be "fun" in some way.
As far as how this may connect to releasing pent up emotions, the idea seems to be that, if I'm spending time doing something that I enjoy, then I'm doing something for, and with, myself. This, at least in theory, means I'm focusing on what I want to do in that moment, not what someone else wants me to do, or what I think I should be doing. Following this theory, if I'm truly focusing on what I want to do, then I'm listening to, and honoring, my feelings. If I'm doing that, I'm learning more about who I am, which at least softens some of the walls I've built around my old emotions.
I can see some truth in this. I spend so much of time doing what I need to do (e.g., fulfilling everyday responsibilities and obligations) or what I think other people want me to do (e.g., agreeing to do something I'd rather not do so as to make someone else happy). And I've always been very caught up in this process. Indeed, meeting the expectations of others or, of myself, in a timely and proper manner has always been the central driving force in my life. That is, I want to please others by either giving them what they want or being who they want me to be. By taking time to do something for myself, and myself only, I am forced to break away from the constant focus on the needs (or the perceived needs) of other people, and to not only recognize but actually do what I want to do.
This may also segue into the control issues which have discussed in the past. To recognize and follow my own desires, I have to be willing to accept, and live with the fact that, those desires may (and often will) be inconsistent with the desires of other people. One of the main reasons I have always hesitated to honor my own feelings and opinions is because I have been afraid of offending other people. While this may sound honorable on the surface, I have learned that it really just serves as a mechanism to control my environment: by saying what other people want to hear and doing what they want me to do, I am (at least in my own mind) ensuring that they will like and respect me, which in turn makes me feel more safe and secure; that is, I am trying to protect myself from rejection or alienation.
In any event, I don't know if this is exactly what my therapist meant, and, like most theories about emotional self improvement, one can't definitively explain the particular connection, if any, between having "fun" and unlocking frozen emotions. But, that probably doesn't matter. What matters is that the theory invokes some good ideas for those, like me, who move through life focused on the interests of others, instead of their own.
Take care,
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 2, 2007 17:57:23 GMT -5
I'm finding my mind drifting toward P/MB at the moment. So I'm checking in here, and now I'm getting up, leaving the computer, and going outside . . .
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Post by mrbister on Dec 3, 2007 15:39:23 GMT -5
Good work fighting off those urges. I hope you haven't found it too hard. Thank you for your words of encouragement and extensive post on my journal yesterday. It is greatly appreciated and it's a good source of support.
All the best SP,
Mr. B.
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 4, 2007 0:51:35 GMT -5
(My pleasure, Mr. B. Keep up the good work.)
Day 106. Breaking The Cycle.
I'm coming to find that I must treat episodes of cyclical negative thinking in the same way I treat cyclical thoughts about P/MB: I have to take quick action to break the cycle. This usually means some sort of abrupt and sharp interruption, like a vigorous workout. I find this sort of "resets" my mind and allows me to start over where I left off before the vicious cycle of destructive thinking began.
That is what I did yesterday. I found myself getting heavily caught up in very negative thoughts and then later in thoughts about P/MB. So, I forced myself to get up off my ass, go outside, run hard, do some push-ups and sit-ups, and then take a shower. And it worked: I was able to start my day anew.
It is quite difficult sometimes to conjure up the motivation to take the action necessary to break the cyclical thinking. But it is crucial -- for me at least -- because, if I just sit there and tread water, I almost always sink.
SP
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Post by sandpaper on Dec 7, 2007 0:44:12 GMT -5
Just checking in. I'm doing fine on the PA front, so far as I can tell at least. I've been extremely busy this week, as I'm going out of town next week and have to frontload my work to make up for it. I'll try to check in tomorrow night with more details about things.
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