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Post by smilingjack on Oct 3, 2005 22:47:41 GMT -5
I want to start logging my pa/mb sobriety, and hope it will all lead me to the emotional sobriety and serenity that I see in others in the AA program. Like my 30 year drinking career, I never thought my drinking had any effect on the way I handled my life.
I never thought my 47 year mb and self indulgent (last 3 years on internet PA and off and on with "outcalls" and strip clubs) had any effect either.
Now I know it does, and I am greatful for this program for I am close to 50 days clean and sober for the first time in 47 years. WOW.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 3, 2005 22:58:46 GMT -5
How do I find where the log is at?
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Post by forsaken on Oct 3, 2005 23:28:50 GMT -5
I'm sorry, but your question here has me a bit confused. Exactly what log are you talking about? I guess you found this one, because you posted here again. Tim
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 13, 2005 18:31:47 GMT -5
I want to peel the onion a little. I am a 59 year old, who learned about MB 47 years ago, and until I found this site through Google, I mb'd a lot, and never felt good about it. The internet PA was over the last 3 years or so, and I did not honestly address my addiction with my first AA sponser. Luckily, I found another sponser, and when when I did a moral inventory, it was like I quickly found this website, and the desire to PA/MB has been mostly removed from me.
As long as I stay connected with this site, I feel that your experience, strength and hope will carry me through the times when I get "squirrely" and think it will be fun to see p and mb in some fantasy.
I have a 13 year old son, who has a great moral compass, and I am still scared when he comes up from behind when I am on a screen. He spotted me a few years ago, and I need to make an amends to him about that soon. I look forward to the time that my fears of being caught will go away.
Peace be to all.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 16, 2005 13:39:24 GMT -5
I was getting near the top of this list, but I need to be moved down to one with two days no pa/mb. My addiction is cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.
I rewarded myself for no really good reason on Friday, with a spa massage. I had done it for the first time while clean/sober from pa/mb maybe 2 months ago. No gential contact was asked for or offered at this place, and I felt ok with myself about it, but when I brought it up on one of the discussion boards, I was warned about it.
Well, I went to a different spa, and after the massage, an open offer was made. My program was not strong enough for me to have simply said that I was really ok with what I had, a simple therapeutic massage so far. I thought about saying that, but I really wanted to see how far this deal would go. I would up going back to the behavior I had 20 years ago.
I am going to start over. I learned something about myself from this. When I feel like a massage will help me, I will only go to a reputable massage provider.
There is another slippery rock ahead for me, the Annual Boy's Christmas Party I have attended in the past. A bunch of neighbors getting together for lap dances and whatever else. I need to say no to that, instead of supporting the organizers of it as I have in the past.
I have stayed away from internet pa/mb, but I am not clean/sober of wanting female "objects" for my own gratification.
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Post by smilingjack on Nov 1, 2005 10:15:42 GMT -5
Checking in again, I had a bad night, but didn't choose to view pa/mb to think I would make myself feel better. I have to learn to deal with the pain of not getting what I want from others.
FYI, there is a thread on Treatment and Healing of Sexual/ Pornography Addicts that I read yesterday that put into writing the kind of person I have become, and want to change from.
November has Thanksgiving in the US, and I am reminded that I am grateful to all who started and use this website. Without you, I would be lost in pa/mb.
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Post by smilingjack on Jan 23, 2006 15:39:10 GMT -5
I've hidden my self-contempt and self-loathing for a long time. Acting out with pa/mb gives me the idea that I'm a "with-it, happening" kind of guy, that covered up the pain I inflicted on myself.
I'm grateful that the experiences, strengths and hopes of all the others on this thread (plus the direction of Ray, my AA sponser, to work on this topic) have kept my coming back here often enough that I could want to put together some clean days out of my personal cesspool.
I believe I will get there tomorrow, and for that I will be happy, joyous and free from some of my self-contempt and self-loathing. But, I will need to start back at Day 1 after that, because my thinking will led me to believe I've done enough, and I can turn from your experiences, strengths and hopes. When I do that, I will be back in my personal sewer.
I don't want that to happen to me, or to you. Thanks, Smiling Jack
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Post by smilingjack on Jan 23, 2006 15:39:53 GMT -5
PS I made 2 SALA meetings and I think they are good for me
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Post by smilingjack on Feb 12, 2006 22:13:31 GMT -5
I made my 3rd SALA meeting last week and the onion got peeled back more. I thought of the hidden extended family addiction with sex - Uncle Giles and Billy, probably Hughie - love, kind of, with Mom who was infatuated with Dad.
My own journey is full of fantasy and probably deviate behavior. The real good for me were/are: Sue and Jill. The fair for me were Sherry and Sylvia, Toni and Sylvia. The poor for me were the fat one at Saugatuck, Kathy H, the dentist's girl friend, the parent assistand at O'Toole, Nancy of Decatur, the blowjob outcalls, Nell, John Hickerson, the druggie St Louis and the druggie Natasha's friend.
The one's I was poor for were the the black teacher, Marilyn Covelli, the blond one.
I am sorry for what I have done. I behave better now. The only one I need to change is me.
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Post by smilingjack on Apr 11, 2007 10:56:35 GMT -5
Attending regular sala meetings for the month or two. Realizing I am on the 1st step; I have acted out with amp beyond just a massage. No intercourse. One covered bj, and a couple handjobs. Ray plants seeds of virtue. But, he rightly says I am not screwing some neighbors wife. Ayn Rand plants seeds of reason. Paying for consensual sex does not enhance my self esteem. Frank Shurbert just plants seeds. Frank Stimson plants seeds of what's the issue? I look at girls who have the "Gee, I'm glad to see you smile" and I get like a teenager. What are the issues underpinning what is going on with me.
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Post by smilingjack on Apr 28, 2007 0:33:56 GMT -5
I felt a moment of clarity before the last SALA meeting...I felt demoralization of the waste and the lack of couragbe to stand up to the ideals I espouse as an Ayn Rand'er . I haven't bottomed out, though, because I went on the Shoutcast TV again.
I am looking to learn to navigate better. I want to find the one who did the AMP deal, and possibly get some ES& H from there. Finding my story is good.
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Post by smilingjack on Apr 29, 2007 10:45:15 GMT -5
I had a craving to go to PS yesterday - the video in my brain ran yesterday and disturbed my running this morning.
I got on the slippery slope by driving past PS last night. Fortunately, it looked too full for me to try to get just a massage. I don't know what it will take for me to act out next time. My idle thought took me to the Hobart after the AA meeting I didn't attend today.
Part of the resistence was my kids said my wife called from Indy, and said she loved me. I would lose self-esteem if I was caught acting out with a wife who loved me....but that didn't stop me from trying to rationalize and act out anyway.
I am going to try to get my log going, report to SALA on progress, and go from there.
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Post by smilingjack on Apr 29, 2007 20:49:21 GMT -5
I google PS, and then go to IN & IL. Reality and rational thinking aren't with me. I am living outside of reality, like I really want to be a sex tourist....be like Tony felt today.
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Post by smilingjack on Apr 30, 2007 6:13:07 GMT -5
I felt self justification yesterday to act out. Jill didn't have a pleasant word to say about a number of topics when she returned from her Tri Kappa trip. Maybe she had envy over the Judy Mollway. Regardless, when I called her on it, she backed down.
I purposely go to Fantasyland, and do not live in reality. May I have the strength to live in reality today.
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Post by smilingjack on Apr 30, 2007 10:24:40 GMT -5
Spanky is hooked on PS. See how he is doing. I don't want to go there. It is not good for me. I plan to go to Bikram and Sala tomorrow.
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