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Post by smilingjack on Jul 28, 2007 6:46:07 GMT -5
It's been a month and a half since the last time I posted. Since then i have visted Larry a couple times and have made most of the SALA meetings. Learned that there are differences between the SA, SCA, and SLAA. There are meetings Tuesday night and Saturday night at Larrys offices at 6:30. I may goto the one in Valpo Tuesday.
Dan does not have porn in his bottom line. But I need to. Is it time for me to find a new sponsor.
Larry suggests it is time to find a new playground and new playmates. ie Frank.
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Post by smilingjack on Jul 29, 2007 21:12:27 GMT -5
I just checked into PS, and I made a tentative date w/JW, and the video is starting to play through my head again. I was drunk last night at the ODVFD ball and was dancing up a store with JW. It is not good.
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Post by smilingjack on Sept 17, 2007 19:56:02 GMT -5
Jill was very kind to me. I was obligated to take our son to an evening class, when a friend called to go sailing. I turned him down, but then my wife said she would take him, freeing me to enjoy a very beautiful sunset sail on Lake Michigan. I need to tell her how much I appreciate it.
I spoke with my SLAA sponser Dan, who was struggling to do the right thing like I was early this AM. I am sober from sexual contact outside my marriage for 25 days. I haven't accessed p for time past that, but I open emails from friends that I know have triggering images. I don't know how I want to stop that.
One day at a time-----Do the next right thing----------Let go of the bad stuff
I am now more actve in this website. I posted on Ian's sobriety journal for the first time. I am making progress.
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Post by smilingjack on Sept 19, 2007 9:01:47 GMT -5
I lost a couple posts for some reason. I am happy to be journalling again, and happy to connect with Ian, and hope to connect with Chooselife. Here is my post from the daily clean list.
I'm in. I usually wake up with an acting-out video running in my brain....and me planning how I am going to fit it into my day. This AM, I woke up with a different dream....a safer dream...one that didn't trigger me.
And what did I do? I started thinking "Well... I must be doing OK! Maybe... now I can try to fantasize and I won't get addicted to it!" That reminded me of how sick my thinking can take me.
I need to be sober and clean today.
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Post by smilingjack on Sept 20, 2007 7:41:14 GMT -5
I've lost a couple posts. This is a test.
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Post by smilingjack on Sept 20, 2007 7:43:34 GMT -5
I found the lost posts - they were on page 4.
I interneted PS, found Diana back there, called to comfirm. Set me off. I went to internet sites I shouldn't have gone to. I am a mess.
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Post by smilingjack on Sept 24, 2007 22:53:24 GMT -5
I haven't called my sponsors since I met with my counselor last Thursday. I wam pissed at my wife, and went to usa*life and *mpland. I am planning to act out as soon as I can.
A friend was put in a strait jacket last week, and another acquaintance committed suicide last Thursday.
Life is not so good for now as far as male buddies. I am hanging on by a thread.
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Post by smilingjack on Sept 27, 2007 7:15:01 GMT -5
I made very half hearted half measures to abstain Tuesday, calling friends who could not meet me for dinner....never telling them or my sponsors what was on my mind.
I gave in and went to PS, and had an awakening that the AMP experience is just a front for prostitution. The emotional uplife that I thought I would get from seeing a p I had been given some space in my head to..........wasn't there.
I feel like the rush I really get is from the spontinaity of it....not knowing what will happen...and the rush from the antennaes being on full alert.
I am called Arlen a couple times and plan to meet with him next tuesday
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Post by smilingjack on Sept 29, 2007 7:44:41 GMT -5
The last couple of mornings I have not awoken with sexual dreams, and for that I am grateful. I have asked my HP for my SA to be removed, and I will ask when I finish writing this sentence.
Please remove this SA from me. I do not want to be involved with porn, or AMP's, or strippers.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 4, 2007 11:12:31 GMT -5
I met with Arlen last night - he is from SA, lost his job, wife, contact w/3 of the 5 kids, because of what he did. Thought he could put it back together when all hell broke loose, but he couldn't. He reminded me of Dad witht he high forehead and glasses. Christian; reminds me that he acted out to fill the spiritual void.
I mb for the first time in a long long time a couple days ago, and wander onto ampland and the other. I hope to start getting some sobriety time.
Spanky is tempting.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 6, 2007 12:28:55 GMT -5
I met with Larry Thursday, who talked inspiringly about filling the spiritual void with ethical and righteous behavior. And that I what I want, and I believe I am willing to work for.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 8, 2007 8:50:34 GMT -5
I talked with Frank, my playmate, and he would understand if I dropped him as a playmate, as he knows he does have an ethical fibre in him. And I don't want to suspend the relationship yet. Maybe it is a John Hickerson, John Seemayer, Warren Johnson, Bill Wirth, George Mollway, Frank Shubert buddies in arms that I have a problem with co dependence with.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 11, 2007 7:04:11 GMT -5
I went to the SLAA meeting; tuesday and reminded myself that i have an hour and a half of emotional sobriety. I weaved through chinatown and ps that day and parked calling jw to see if she had time for me or not.
she said she did, but ultimately she didnt. I thought chinatown yesterday and ps, but i did a yoga class instead and felt good about that for being a postiitive way to spend idle time, and less expensive as well.
I have a skin rash on my hinney that concerns me and i have a doctor visit to check it out at the end of the month. I have jock itch as well, and those things help me stay away from chinagown and ps. I talked to dan; and that was encouraging. he chaired the wednesday night meeting that i plan to attend soon.
I an call Arlen and Larry as well.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 15, 2007 7:58:13 GMT -5
I am ok for now. I need to call...FS lunch was I'll be ok even if I slip again. I am snuggling with J in the AM and she likes that and so do I.
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Post by smilingjack on Oct 17, 2007 7:17:39 GMT -5
I am reminded that I am working my program, and i am learning and accepting that even if I slip, it's ok because I am trying to get sober, and siips are a powerful learning tool. Larry wanted to know how much I paid so that could be a benchmark to somethng else in the futre.
Dan says we are working the first three steps, and it's ok. He does not encourage me to slip, but that it is ok if I do. I feel the current cornerstone is thics and harmoney.
I told Dan I have a new date of 10/15 that includes no checking in on AMP reviews and ampland and voyeurweb. I will call Dan and say I will not pass on the ones I open.
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