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Post by fragile on Nov 26, 2007 17:25:58 GMT -5
Day 1 (November 26, 2007)
My first day here after going through a couple hours on the internet watching p. mb'd twice after that which only added pain and self-hatred.
Feeling fine so far. No urges. Enrolled in settingcaptivesfree.com with 60 day course to purity. I'm excited about the fact that I have taken action to stop myself from feeding my flesh. Before now, I tried to do it alone many of the times, sometimes even without God which scares me more than anything. I know I can't do anything of that sort without God...
My 100 days w/o p and mb started today at midnight. With much prayer and effort and faith in God's work in my life, I can make this happen.
I'm in need of any moral and prayer support anyone can offer.
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Post by fragile on Nov 27, 2007 0:42:30 GMT -5
Nearing the end of day 1:
Well, it's about 1 hour and 20 minutes from the start of my day two in recovery. Doing really good so far. Still a little emotional pain and discomfort about yesterday, but it's not too bad. Made a lot of affirmations about being able to quit b/c I know I have God by my side and a support group and a 60 day course to purity. I think my recovery is going to be strong... Just hope I stay active in the recovery program.
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Post by grillo on Nov 27, 2007 10:52:35 GMT -5
Keep on it fragile. I'm on Day 2 myself, and also started straight after a binge. So we're in the same boat. You're not alone. Addiction is a weird thing that plays tricks with your mind. You suddenly start rationalizing that it will be fine to slip up. Just one more bit of porn, puff on a cigarette, shot of scotch or whatever your poison is and then never again. Then the temptation comes slipping back. But you have the willpower inside to do it. Keep it up man. NO SURRENDER.
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Post by fragile on Nov 27, 2007 11:52:38 GMT -5
That's right... Day 2 and going strong.
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Post by fragile on Nov 27, 2007 13:34:43 GMT -5
Day 2 (November 27, 2007)
Completed day 2 of The Way of Purity with settingcapmtivesfree.com it's been a blessing for me so far.
Had a dream that I was having sex this night. It's a bit odd because I'd have a "wet dream" right away if anything of that sort or even a hint of that comes into my dream. This time, I didn't even feel anything that hinted an orgasm even though it lasted a while. Need to stay alert so I don't go for mb because these types of things tend to push me to do it.
Still sober.
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Post by fragile on Nov 28, 2007 2:06:39 GMT -5
Second day has passed. Doing good no signs of urges or any other abnormal behavior. Looking forward to charging into day 3 sober.
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Post by fragile on Nov 28, 2007 16:41:53 GMT -5
Day 3 (November 28, 2007)
Completed day 3 of The Way of Purity course with settingcaptivesfree.com
Nothing in particular happening in my sleep/dreams. Giving lots of thought about SCF and the things that I learn there. Out-of-my-mind crazy about the fact that I'm working on a 100-day sober commitment considering that the longest I remember I held out w/o mb (I had no p in my life back then) was about 100 days, but dove back in, and the second was worst than first, plus, that's when I got hooked on p. Feel a little pressure but my desire to quit is stronger. Continuing to pray for strength and faith to go on with my goal to be 100 day sober and beyond to eternity.
sober, and plan to stay that way.
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 28, 2007 17:19:21 GMT -5
Hey Fragile. Good to see you are joining the battle. The 100 days will be long but the target is worth the struggle. The first days are the longest. It becomes a bit more of a blur after a while. Why did you decide to quit, had it been a problem for you for a long time.
I hope you keep up the good work. Keep the determination you have now. Kind Regards William
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Post by fragile on Nov 28, 2007 17:29:55 GMT -5
Thanks William. It's getting a bit harder, but yes, it's worth the struggle. I decided to quit because of a few points: 1: I'm active in church and if I don't bring myself to church in a reverent and clean state, it's no use to me. 2: I've had it with being a hypocrite 3: I know that at some point someone would catch me in act and I'd probably have more difficult consequences to face 4: This one is by far one of my biggest issues... I'm a spiritually alert person. Some might say it's all in my head, but I know it's true in my life. I know that through p and mb I link to a demonic world and at night, when all lights are off, I can feel it. This evil presence... I know at that point that there's something wrong because I remember once opening to (I believe) it was Psalms and it said that those who love the Lord, he gives sleep... I didn't have that. I knew that other than p and mb, I didn't really have a lot of big issues in my life (maybe other than the fact that I still need to gain more love for those who surround me)... But the most important reason is because I know that if I sin and I continue to sin, and I do it in all awareness and consciousness, there are no good news waiting for me. And you know, I'm 18, and already starting to think about relationships and p and mb are just not the right combination with a relationship. I want to be free from any sexual drive until/when I marry, so my marriage may be happy. I really, really want to devote any sexuality that's left in my for when I get married and to have a healthy marriage and sex life when I get married. Kind of a long list but I think that I touched up most if not all of my reasons why.
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Post by fragile on Nov 28, 2007 17:32:13 GMT -5
Wow.. I'm not sure what's going on, but ever since I got on the p and mb recovery program, I noticed I can't type as good as before. I tend to type in letters that I didn't intend to. That's unusual because my typing is near perfect.
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Post by fragile on Nov 28, 2007 17:57:26 GMT -5
1 Timothy 5:6 Whereas she who lives in pleasure and self-gratification [giving herself up to luxury and self-indulgence] is dead even while she [still] lives. Wow.. I'm watching one o Joyce Meyer's podcasts about loving your life and yourself... Again, opens my eyes to the fact that all this time I was in p and mb, I was dead... I don't know about some of the people here that might read this (I know or am guessing that there are secular people here) but i believe the Bible in every word, in every letter, in every period... I think I'm waking up from being dead right now which is a good thing I guess I can make November 26th, my new Birthday Time to stop being in love with myself, and start loving myself because if I don't love myself, I can't love other people. If I can't love other people, I can't love God.
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Post by fragile on Nov 28, 2007 18:28:01 GMT -5
There's one more thing I noticed... I've been eating way less than usual. yesterday I went to the gym and wondered why I had no energy to do the exercises and stuff, and burned my legs.. very sore. Today, same thing... Could it be another symptom of dropping p and mb?
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Post by fragile on Nov 29, 2007 2:37:54 GMT -5
Day 4 (November 29, 2007) Well, three days had passed. No p or mb. completely sober. Actually, have no desire to go back.. Small urges, but even at this point, my mentality of going 100 days sober is so strong that so far, most urges have been prevented. Thanks for the support I've received here up to this point. I have a strong feeling that with a group of people like this, I'll be over my addiction pretty quickly I'll keep you posted on how day 4 goes
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Post by fragile on Nov 29, 2007 17:02:56 GMT -5
Woohoo... Day 4 is going good... Had to redo day 3 of the Way of Purity course and did my day 4. Taking it 1 day at a time, and everything seems settled right now... Boy I wish it goes like that forever from now on... My hormones are calm right now. Although yesterday night they were a little higher than desired. So far, no urges whatsoever.. I love my mentality now because I definitely feel positive about quitting. Most of the times, when I tried quitting, I practically knew in advance that I was gonna go back into it. I spend a lot of time on this board now which might be one of the leading contributions to not wanting to go back to p. I found common ground here with my problem. I feel safe to say what's really on my mind and my heart because I know that most people here are going or have gone through the same thing and I know that they can help me and encourage me. Way of Purity course is a huge blessing too. I feel much cleaner and better about myself because I know I'm healing quickly now. I based my recovery on the word of God and so far, God has shown me much grace in the recovery
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chad32
Full Member
Becoming pure again...
Posts: 117
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Post by chad32 on Nov 29, 2007 18:49:07 GMT -5
Hi fragile,
I wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat as you. I've just completed day 4 for the SCF course too and am finding it a real blessing too. I'm also in the same situation as being a committed Christian, and sick of being a hypocrite and I want to be closer to God as a result of being free of my addiction.
Keep going and God's grace be with you.
Your brother, Chad
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