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Post by fragile on Dec 17, 2007 3:42:01 GMT -5
Hey seward, hopefully my posts inspire you and give you the courage to stay clean from now on. Really though, it frustrates me because I come to Church to listen to the word of God, but find myself almost indulging in sexual thoughts, and at the same time trying to battle them off... I missed a good portion of what was said today, and really feel like a lot of the "seed" that was sewn today landed on the sidewalk and the crows stole it from me  Stay strong bro, PM me anytime if you need encouragement, or just want to talk.. I'm on this board multiple times a day for a long time. It's one of the two things that kept me from my addiction... this board is one, and settingcaptivesfree.com is the other one. If you haven't tried that, I urge you to try it, it's a Bible-based ministry that helps break addictions. |
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Post by fragile on Dec 18, 2007 3:09:06 GMT -5
December 18, 2007 Day 22 Three weeks have gone by (more like flew by) since I signed up to this forum, and my 22nd day of abstinence  Urges were low today, unlike the last couple days. I was able to focus on other things more easily forgetting the pornographic thoughts. MB? I think I'm well on my way to having a complete victory over that, but in order to do that, I must avoid porn. I almost lost my grip the other day, so this 21 days of freedom mean the world to me... Finished day 22 on SCF... It's about confession. It's the part that I wish I'd never have to do, but I know I do because I've done the damage, now I must take responsibility and accountability for it. |
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Post by fragile on Dec 18, 2007 16:22:56 GMT -5
Almost jumped back on the dead horse again Glad I didn't... I searched for it, found it, but didn't bite it *whewh* Almost lost it again today... It's getting so hard, although it's really easy, but when something pops up in my mind, it's hard to control it now.  |
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Post by fragile on Dec 19, 2007 3:06:03 GMT -5
December 19, 2007 Day 23 Well, I'm disgusted at how off-guard I've been lately. Not controlling myself the way I want to, playing with fire, in fact, I downloaded an image, and opened it, but closed as soon as opened... Didn't see much of anything. I want to forget that happened. It didn't give me urges, but I now that I was a second away from diving in. I guess it's time to go back to day 0. |
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Post by fragile on Dec 19, 2007 11:46:31 GMT -5
Well, I reset to 0, and that mentioned above is nothing compared to what I got into at night. I hope I don't go through the self-hate cycle again, and just take it as a loss and move on. Can't dwell on that forever. Yes, after staying 22 days in abstinence, I'm back to 0. I've had my share of p (about 3 hours) and mb (4 times)  Now that I'm done whining, let's get to the root of the problem. In the beginning of my recovery, it was cakewalk because I did a lot of praying, and a lot of studying the scripture. I was also very insecure. Week 3 tags along and things get tough. Day 22 comes along, I look at an image. Day 23 comes along, and I dive head first back into filth. Why? I know why... It's something I'll have to work on. 1. I let down my guard knowing I have 21-22 days of abstinence. 2. I didn't fill in the empty space with God. I didn't get enough spiritual food. I didn't read enough Bible, I didn't pray more, and that caused me to feel empty. What happened then? Because I wasn't on guard, I had two choices: get on guard, or let the enemy back in. I chose the ugly. Now what's my gameplan? 1. Know that I am NEVER secure, and NEVER safe, and the enemy is ALWAYS there. 2. Read more Bible and pray more, and just be in spiritual alertness. (4 chapters a day, and 1-2 verses to break apart and closely follow it(them) to see how they apply to my life. 3. Spend more time here, as you might have noticed I cut back. 4. Ask anyone who is willing for prayer. I'm in an emotional and spiritual low right now. Need any prayer support I can get. |
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Post by fragile on Dec 20, 2007 17:13:13 GMT -5
Day 24 (December 20, 2007) As we approach Christmas, I'm thinking that there's no better gift I could give Jesus than all of myself. I've given a lot of my time looking at arts, and many of those are contributing factors to my porn addiction. I'm now resolving to stop viewing art COMPLETELY to check that will do. Also, I'm looking for a way to confess. I know I need it, I can't fight it as it is, and I know my pastor is a strong in faith guy. His prayer saved my life once, and I hope that through his prayer God can free and save my soul. I have no other choice. I'm not free. I've proclaimed it, but fell again, and this time, it hurts even more. Anyways, just wanted to drop by and post a journal to let ya'll know that I'm still here  |
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Post by fragile on Dec 21, 2007 5:27:08 GMT -5
Just want to let you all know, that I did it... It was totally against my flesh, I know I was denying it as I was doing it, I was anxious, nervous, crazy, and hated it, but I confessed!!! Probably the best thing I've done in all my life as a p/mb addict. I confessed to my pastor, and he accepted me for who I was, we prayed, he instructed me, and told me to keep in contact with him if I have problems. This is awesome! Now i have accountability! Although what I'm not really proud of is the email I received from my SCF mentor. He sounded deeply troubled and saddened by my fall, as I thought he would be. But, he's been very gracious to me up until then, and still isn't quitting on me. Have a great night/day/morning/evening/whatever you're having... In my case it's 3:25, and I'm about to crash. |
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Post by fragile on Dec 22, 2007 4:43:21 GMT -5
Day 25 (December 21, 2007)
Technically, it's Dec. 22nd, but I wanted to post a journal about how my day 25 went. I had a lot of spiritual feeding in the morning. I had so much spiritual activity involving Bible, Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen podcasts. I had a very good time this morning. Then, I went to gym,and after that, I went to practice with orchestra/choir for Christmas and with the youth worship band for next youth service.
I generally feel great because I've been able to put away the p thoughts. Of course, I did it all with the help of God. Knowing that whenever I have troubles I can call someone now and talk to them, and pray with them, really makes it easier on me.
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Post by ingodwetrust on Dec 22, 2007 5:20:38 GMT -5
Dec 19 you were on 0 and now on Dec 21 you're Day 25? I don't get it.
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Post by fragile on Dec 22, 2007 5:36:00 GMT -5
May the same blessing be with you, Chad!
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Post by fragile on Dec 23, 2007 4:48:18 GMT -5
Day 26 (December 22, 2007)
Ok, today was a fun day. Christmas party, and all that good stuff. Also some business training and personal growth.
Here's to someone who hasn't confessed and thinks that a confession is the end of the world: If you don't confess, you'll struggle, you'll be on a rollercoaster all the time, and you will most likely fall. I know I surprised everyone when I said that after three weeks of abstinence, I crumbled, but that was inevitable. Here's what's new: I confessed to my pastor, who now, is my accountability partner, and supporter in spirit and faith.
Also, another positive effect. It's really easy to put aside sexual thoughts, erections and urges. It takes me about 5 seconds to calm down my desires. It used to take me at some points up to an hour, even longer, and I'm lucky if I stand through.
If you're a Bible-believing, Church-going Christian and haven't confessed yet because you think you'll be looked down at, it's the devil's lies. It's pride, and pride is a top-of-the-chart sin. Confession is a game-over for the addiction if you keep in contact with your accountability partner, and go through regular exercise of calling upon the Blood of Jesus.
God Bless all of you, have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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Post by fragile on Dec 24, 2007 14:43:22 GMT -5
Day 28 (December 24, 2007)
Well, I'm approaching one month since signing up. So far, I've only had one major fall. Lately, everything's been going smooth. Urges are few, and I'm able to drive away thoughts of sex and porn. I'm leaning all that on the confession because it's never been easier.
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