timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Oct 22, 2007 6:02:58 GMT -5
In the end I don't have a choice. I can either fight until I'm free, or I can give in and become enslaved for the rest of my life. I choose to fight. I CHOOSE TO FIGHT!!! Time to pick myself back up again, swallow my pride, and continue on in my journey to victory. Winners aren't always winning. They just never give up until they win. I'm going to fight this thing, and I'm going to beat it, once and for all. So, it turns out I'm only human after all. Big deal! So, I gave in and used p and mb. But what about the 32 days of purity and freedom before that? I've got a right to be proud of those days. I can look back today and know that I've conquered this addiction for 32 days in a row. If I've done it once, I can do it again. In fact, I believe I can make it to 50 days. That's my new goal now. I want to remain clean for 50 days. Speed on the 11th of December! But for now, I'm back on Day 1. Today, God willing, will be the first day of my return to freedom. So then, here goes! DAY 1
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william1000
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I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Oct 22, 2007 7:26:55 GMT -5
When you fall off a horse you have to get back up again. 32 days is a great achievement. I have a long way to go to achieve that. I think you can do it again, you are very determined. Your long is on of the most honest here. You are really trying hard. I will keep an eye out for your updates. Best of luck with your struggle.
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Oct 23, 2007 1:33:54 GMT -5
Thanks William for your words of encouragement. At times I've wondered if anyone out is there actually reading what I'm writing, so it's great to know that at least someone is following my progress. All the best in your own struggles my friend. Today has been a little difficult so far. After uni on Tuesdays, I usually walk back home with a friend. We have our final class together, and then we walk back home after that. Today I was delayed after class for five minutes, and she just upped and left me in the classroom. When I finally got out, I saw her walking back alone in the distance. I walked quickly and made up ground, expecting all the while for her to look back and see me at some stage. However, she never did. I ended up getting very close to her - probably within calling distance - but then I just stopped and watched her go. I felt kind of pathetic really. I've often enjoyed walking back home with this friend, but now I wonder if she even gave me a second thought today. Not once did she look back to see if I was following her. She just seemed to be in her own little dream world, not caring at all whether I was with her or not. In the end I waited for her to get out of sight and then I continued on, dejected and alone. It's this kind of thing that has driven me to p in the past. Sometimes women can be so confusing. During class, and when we're doing something together, this friend of mine is all smiles and laughter. I've always just assumed she enjoyed my company. Then, when she has to wait five minutes for me after class, she just goes home alone, never once looking back to see if I might have caught up to her. I know for a fact that she had no pressing appointment to get to. So then, why didn't she wait for just for a little while, and why did she never look back? And so this whole incident is going around in my mind. I feel let down and betrayed by her actions. I've waited around for HER before so we could walk back together. When it's her turn to return the favour, she throws it back in my face. I feel hurt and rejected. Worst of all, I can hear the voice of p in the back of my mind, telling me that there are always girls available on the internet who will never reject me... Still, p is not an option anymore. It never really was in the first place. P just offers empty promises and broken dreams. No, p is not the answer. So then, what is? Prayer and Bible reading will help ease the pain. I can look forward to prayer group tonight. And of course I know that I am loved by God, and He at least will never let me down. *Sigh* And still this pain, this loneliness remains. What I'm feeling right now clearly goes beyond what happened today. A friend standing me up is not that much of a big deal - I've come to expect her to let me down anyway (she's very unreliable, and frequently selfish). This incident today has merely triggered deeper hurts and insecurities. I've always thought that I was inferior - that I wasn't worth getting to know - that I was boring, uninteresting. When my friend abandoned me today, I overreacted because she seemed to be "confirming" what I have always feared. There's also this deep hurt and loneliness within me. Now that I'm feeling it again, I'm reminded of why I've used p and mb for so long. Sometimes it feels like I'm crying and screaming on the inside, and my heart aches with this pain that nothing seems to be able to fix. And so I've used p to try and block, because in my desperation, anything seems better than having to feel that awful, awful pain. But I'm still standing. I'm not destroyed, just wounded and limping a little. And I haven't looked at p or used mb today. The way I feel right now, this tiny achievement seems like an awfully big victory. In the end, it probably is. Lao-Tzu once said that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Today I took another one of those little steps. One day I'll look back and see that I've come so far that I can't even see where I started from. In the meantime, I'll keep on taking those steps, even if one little step is all I can manage each time. For now, then, this is timetochange signing off for DAY 2.
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Post by geoff12 on Oct 23, 2007 2:06:20 GMT -5
hang in there mate and keep on keeping on. Maybe your friend just had something else on her mind. Try not to dwell on it to much as our minds are capable of blowing tiny things out of all proportion and then somehow we end up justifying a slip to ourselves. A lot of us here know what it is like to feel very lonely but dont let that stop you. If its timetochange then its timetochange right.
Take care man
Geoff
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timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Oct 23, 2007 6:59:33 GMT -5
Hi Geoff You're right. What happened today was a pretty small thing. You're also right in saying that our minds can blow things out of proportion, and we can end up slipping because of this. I'll take extra care tonight as I go to bed not to dwell on what happened today and also not to focus on my loneliness. I know that I can get through this if I just focus and pray. Thanks for your support and encouragement. It means an awful lot to me right now. All the best in your own struggles. timetochange
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timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Oct 24, 2007 2:56:44 GMT -5
DAY 3 So far, so good. Today was actually quite a good day, all things considered. And I've got Bible study tonight, so that should keep my mind off p. I hope everyone else is going strong at the moment!
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timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Oct 28, 2007 6:21:55 GMT -5
DAY 7
One week since I began my journey again. So far, so good. Today was challenging, but for "good" reasons. Basically, I received a prophetic word at church that really challenged me. Afterwards, I was able to deal with some issues that had been pressing me for a good many years. Praise God that He leaves all things to His perfect timing. Even just a few months ago, I wouldn't have been willing to accept this prophetic word. Today, however, I was ready to hear it, and God was able to heal me of many issues accordingly.
If there's anyone out there reading this journal who isn't a Christian, I urge you to find God. I can truly tell you that my life would be meaningless without Him. I love the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. In truth, my love for the Lord is the only reason I want to quit p. It's also the only reason why I have to see it through this time. 32 days is a great start, but I want to be free for the rest of my life - not for my sake, but so I can bring glory to the God I love so much.
Thank you God for your love and encouragement. I couldn't live without you.
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timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Nov 3, 2007 21:33:42 GMT -5
I'm so thankful that God is forgiving and merciful. Yesterday I stuffed up again. By earthly standards, I deserve punishment and misery. If God had turned His back on me, I wouldn't have blamed Him. And yet ...
And yet, He was still with me last night. He directed me to a teaching CD I hadn't really listened to before about addictions and how satan uses the power of shame. He then gave me a chance to confess my sins and ask for a different life.
That's the best I can do at describing God's mercy. Last night I deserved death, but I found only life, and perfect life at that. Lord, help me to accept your perfect life and your never-ending love. Please change my heart, because I cannot change it by myself. I need Your help, God. Please help me. Please set me free. Amen.
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timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Nov 4, 2007 0:29:27 GMT -5
Thank you God for giving me such a good life. Right now I feel like I'm seeing some of your mercies for the first time. I've been so bogged down in p and trying to quit p in my own strength.
Just then, however, I stepped outside for a little break from my studies. The world was in that moment between stillness and rain, as though everything was holding its breath, waiting to see what the sky would do next. I stood in that quiet, still air and felt the breeze on my face, and listened to the trees swaying, and I just felt content. Content to be me, content to be alive. I'm still here, and I'm still going strong. P has not destroyed me. Satan has not destroyed me. Satan never stole my heart. He never has, and he never will. HE NEVER HAS, AND HE NEVER WILL!!!
In the meantime, I am immensely blessed. I live with a family who love me. I am able to study, which is something I love doing. And I have a perfect Father in heaven, who has never given up on me, no matter how stupid I've been and how much I've let Him down.
Thank you God for blessing me so such. I know I don't deserve any of it. I know I haven't "earned" it, and that I never could "earn" it. However, I will gratefully and joyfully receive it. Thank you Lord for making me just the way You have.
;D ;D ;D Amen ;D ;D ;D
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 4, 2007 4:32:14 GMT -5
Hi You post on the girl the other day was very poignant. Loneliness is a big part of getting addicted to P. I think its important to ditch it before you meet someone special. It may be hard now but its better in the long run. I hope you do meet someone special soon. Its quite hard to meet people nowadays even though we have so many different avenues. Its a pity its not simpler. I've always believed you have to circulate to accumulate. As in join things, take up offers of going out. The more you are out and about meeting people the more likely you are to meet someone perfect for you. If you hide you light under a shade its much more difficult. Best of luck in your journey. I admire your faith. Its something I wish I had as strong as you.
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timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Nov 4, 2007 7:06:39 GMT -5
Thanks William. You probably don't know how encouraging your words have been to me, but I'm sitting here writing this with a big smile on my face. Sometimes it's important to have our pain validated by others - for others to come alongside us, and say "yes, you are feeling pain, and I know what you are going through". This then gives us the strength to get up and return to the battle.
How am I feeling right now? I'm still a little lonely, if I have to be honest with myself. Sometimes I try to bury the feelings, but if I take a good look into my heart, I can see that it aches.
Why does my heart ache? I want someone to love me. Is that wrong? No, of course not. Every human has needs for intimacy and affection. Every male was made for female companionship, and vice versa. But the question tonight is simple. Should I allow myself to dwell on my loneliness?
Deep down, I know the answer to that question. The answer is no. If I focus all my feelings on my loneliness, then my loneliness "owns" me. I need to find ways to ... to what? If I just bury my feelings, then they have not been dealt with. Inevitably, they will come back to haunt me in the future. So then, what must I do?
Of course! The answer is so simple, and yet so hard to accept. In my pride I believe the answer to my problems lies within myself. Wrong! The answer lies with God. I need to surrender my heart to God. I need to ask God to come into my life and to fill the empty places that exist within. I need God's heavenly love to fill the places that are seeking in vain for earthly love. In time, when God brings everything to fruition, I may experience the earthly love I so desire. In the meantime, though, I must learn to trust God. I must become trustworthy in the hard times, so that I can be trusted with blessings in the good times.
Thank you God that you will never leave me or abandon me. You are with me ALWAYS! ALWAYS!!! You are with me when I go to bed and when I rise in the morning. You are with me when I'm laughing and enjoying life. You are with me, holding my hand, embracing me, when I cry. You have never left my side. You are my perfect Father, and you provide me with perfect love. Now, I ask you to help me to accept that perfect love, and to let my loneliness subside in your loving arms.
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Nov 5, 2007 6:10:14 GMT -5
Today was good. I'm stressed out with the thought of impending exams, but at least I'm coping. God is helping me survive I can get through my problems. I can survive p. I can get through this ;D Signing off in hope. DAY 2
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Nov 20, 2007 1:18:15 GMT -5
Confession of sins is truly a humbling experience. Once again, I must admit before everyone here that I have fallen into sin. Of course, I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I feel like I have let myself down. I feel like I have let others down, especially those who read this journal and have offered me encouragement or advice in the past. Worst of all, I KNOW I have let God down. Jesus died to save me from my sins. He deserves better than this.
However, I know that I am only human. I will never be perfect until I reach heaven. Indeed, God doesn't ask us to be perfect. If He did, there would be no reason to give us Jesus. Rather, God demands perfection and then finds a way to make us perfect, knowing full well we could never be perfect on our own. That is how much God loves us! And, logically speaking, if He hasn't given up on me yet, He's not going to give up on me now!
Today I am determined to get back on track in my recovery. I've restarted the SCF course, which I kind of "abandoned" about a month ago (not surprisingly, around the time I relapsed after a long period of freedom). Through God's strength, and for His glory, I can be free of sexual impurity. Lord, please get me through this. In the name of Jesus I pray this, Amen.
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Nov 21, 2007 6:32:37 GMT -5
So far so good. I've officially finished DAY 1. No real problems so far, but I wasn't expecting anything difficult yet. The cravings usually kick in after 3-4 days with me. This will probably be when things start getting tough.
Still, I'm happy that I haven't slipped up today. I am certain that I can get through this with God's help.
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william1000
Full Member
I can not do everything, but I can do something. I must not fail to do the something that I can do.
Posts: 110
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Post by william1000 on Nov 22, 2007 18:01:48 GMT -5
Hi Timetochange I hope you get past the cravings stage and back into a long run of sobriety. Get as active as you can and get your mind off this subject. Your faith is amazing, I hope you never let it go. It will be a help all through your life. You have great desire to succeed so I hold out great hope for you. Enjoy your day William
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