timetochange
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"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Aug 27, 2007 6:24:07 GMT -5
Signing in again tonight before I go to bed. I got through today clean. I feel something has shifted in relation to giving up P. Let's trust I can see it out in my actions. Looking up in hope timetochange
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Aug 29, 2007 0:24:19 GMT -5
Still clean ;D ;D ;D Feeling pretty good at the moment. I believe there IS a way out of my problems, and I just need to walk the path, one step at a time. Looking up in hope timetochange
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Aug 31, 2007 9:06:03 GMT -5
Still going strong ;D That's 5 days now Looking up in hope timetochange
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 1, 2007 7:00:05 GMT -5
Things are going well ;D
Keep this up!
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 2, 2007 6:51:56 GMT -5
Clean for a week now! I feel great! Now I want to make it to two weeks!
Keep this up! Keep going strong!
timetochange
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 4, 2007 4:07:31 GMT -5
Day 9
Today was tough. Huge temptations. I'm finding that just looking at women on ordinary websites (eg. news websites) is making me want to look at P. I'm also feeling more lustful towards women I know and am friends with in my daily life.
Hopefully this will pass. I want to be clean in all ways, and I don't want to fall now.
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 4, 2007 19:03:24 GMT -5
Day 10 Emergency SOS!!! Calling all Christians out there to pray for me. I'm home alone today and fighting an incredibly hard battle to stay off the internet. I've almost fallen a couple of times already, but cried out to God and managed to stop at the last moment. Please, anyone out there I need some urgent prayer. I don't want to fall again - I'm desperate to change
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 4, 2007 21:21:38 GMT -5
Almost slipped again, but came here at the last moment. Now I'm feeling ok again. Things are very, very difficult right now. Prayer would be greatly appreciated.
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 6, 2007 8:09:57 GMT -5
Made it through Day 11. Wow, that was TOUGH. I was so tempted all day to give in. Even with people in the house I was tempted to just close my door and risk a quick peek at the net. But God helped me through and here I am, about to go to bed, and still in one piece I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but I also feel satisfied. There IS hope and freedom at the end of all this. I know that I can make it to the end of the road. Of course, we never REALLY make it to the "end of the road" until we die, but every day we keep walking down this road is another day where freedom becomes a little easier. One day I want to look back and remember how far I've come. I want to be proud of myself and how I beat this addiction. But there's only one way to get there, and that's to keep fighting, every moment of every day. Lord, give me the strength to fight and to never give in. Exhausted, but not defeated timetochange
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 7, 2007 3:32:40 GMT -5
Wow, that was tough! All the ingredients were there for me to slip into watching p.
Basically, I had just got home from a LONG day at uni - the kind where you sit in the library and just read long, boring law articles from 9 till 5...
Plus I had walked home (~2km) with a full, heavy bag.
Plus, I've been struggling with issues of lust towards women. I met up with a close female friend today, but I left without offering to walk her home. I then spent the rest of MY walk home wondering if I left her there because I was being callous or whether or I was just trying to protect myself. She is very attractive, and I naturally feel physically drawn to her. However, I don't like the way this makes me think about her (ie. lustful thoughts, fantasy, etc), so I'm trying to keep myself in "friend only" mode. In any event, I don't know what she thinks about me. As you can see, I sometimes get confused about all this and it's sometimes hard to keep my thoughts and feelings under control.
So, I got home physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Then, suddenly out of the blue, everyone announces they are going out tonight. As soon as they leave, I race into my room and turn on the computer and I'm starting to feel that wave of sick exhiliration that comes when you're about to watch p.
Then suddenly, I dial up this page. Almost literally, my hands start typing this URL without any request from my brain.
And here I am. The urge has gone, and I believe I can stay clean for the rest of the night. I'll go make dinner and watch a movie, and by the time it's finished someone should be back home.
Thank you God for saving me just then. Thank you for watching out for me.
I'm still a little dazed by all that just happened, but I'm overwhelmed with joy, thankfulness and relief.
Signing off in hope ;D
timetochange
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 7, 2007 18:26:27 GMT -5
Well, my elation was short-lived.
During the night I caved in and finally looked at P. It's funny really. I woke up at midnight and just got up and went to the computer. It felt really automated, like I was sleep-walking and wasn't fully in control. Still, the outcome was the same as always: guilt, shame, desperation. I MB'ed and then went back to bed. I felt so bad I had "waves" of sickness and nausea pass over me, and I felt close to passing out.
Oh, the joys of being an addict. Now I'm struggling with temptations to just binge (seeing as I failed last night).
But I guess I'll just stay firm and start from the beginning again. I'm proud of the fact that I made it clean through 12 days. Now I want to make it through AT LEAST 2 weeks.
Feeling ashamed but not defeated
timetochange
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 13, 2007 2:55:14 GMT -5
Screwed up again today. Feeling sick and disgusted with myself.
Where will this journey end? Is there such a thing as victory? It all seems very far away at the moment. It seems like I've been trying to quit P for as long as I can remember. Probably for the last 8 years actually.
This is pathetic. I just can't seem to make it anywhere. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, and slowly sinking down further and further. The harder I struggle, the faster I drown.
Who the hell am I? Why do I do these things? What kind of person am I becoming? What the (expletive) is wrong with me? What more can I do to get victory? I feel like I've tried everything. Even this site isn't working for me. I'm so (expletive)ing sick of this (expletive) right now. I want to stop, but I don't have the strength.
I really don't know what to do. I'm at my wits end, and things only seem to be getting worse.
Signing off in terror and despair.
*BTW, sorry for my swearing, but that's honestly how I feel right now*
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Post by h3h8m3 on Sept 13, 2007 14:04:24 GMT -5
Hey brother. Your story is familiar. I have been there.
Have you considered removing your computer from your room? Put it in a public place. Put it somewhere you cannot feel safe viewing that stuff. You wouldn't have been able to head over there at midnight if you'd known someone would be likely to see you. This addiction is like a fungus... it grows most in the dark.
I'm praying for you.
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Sept 13, 2007 19:42:17 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice h3h
Sometimes I wish I could. Trouble is, I need my computer every day for work, and there's nowhere else in the house for me to set up my desk, etc.
On a positive note, I've made a new committment to staying clean. I still feel down, but not destroyed. I've decided to pray a "no compromise" prayer every night before I go to bed and then every morning when I get out of bed. I REALLY want freedom from this thing. I'm starting to become willing to do whatever it takes.
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Post by t on Sept 13, 2007 20:20:39 GMT -5
Thanks for stopping by my journal, TTT. Actually, it's only been 10 days, with 14 being my next goal, but who's counting? ME, that's who. You have a great "handle" (does anyone use that term anymore?)...
It IS "time to change"...I'm really sorry I haven't seen your journal before...I feel like you've been asking for help and not getting much...
I see you're struggling, but the MOST important thing is that you haven't given up, and I commend you for that...everyday pressures are usually the tipping point for me too...BUT, you have a couple of good amounts of sobriety, more than my current one...SO, you know you CAN do this...like you, the longer I abstain from this evil insidious stuff, the more I see myself as real...not always a pretty sight, but for some reason I feel strong, because the real me can cope better, be stronger, and not fall apart and hide when things don't go my way...
I'm sorry if this sounds like me, me, me...the only reason I'm telling you this is that if I can do it...you can too. I have many, many years of this crap behind me, and now I want to be rid of it...and I not only want that for me, but for every broken person that comes on this board, because everyone who is here is here because they recognize that they don't want to live this way anymore...AND, we're doing something about it...
So get up, dust yourself off, and tell yourself that yes, it is indeed "timetochange"...I'll try not to be a stranger anymore...I've got the same issues you do, and I care what happens...to you and to me...
Good luck my friend...
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