Finding Myself: A Journey To Victory

[timetochange]

Well, here I am. Today is as good a day as any to give up my P addiction.

Why do I want to give up P? Some important reasons:

1. I am a Christian. Every time I use P or MB I feel guilty because I know I should be acting better.

2. P and MB are distorting my view of reality. I start to think and imagine things I should never think or imagine.

3. I'm not sure how P will affect my long-term relationships. I always used to believe that when (or if) I got married, my P problems would immediately just "disappear". I'm starting to suspect that this may not be the case. I believe my future wife deserves better than to marry a P addict.

4. P and MB waste my time. I've used porn 13 times in the last 65 days, which means at least 13 hours of my life WASTED in the last two months. That comes to around 80 hours a year, or three and a half DAYS spent each year in an activity that makes me ashamed and depressed afterwards.

5. P makes me fearful. I'm always worried I'll be caught.

These are just some of the reasons I want to give up my P addiction. Lately I've been noticing how I use P to keep stress "under control". Last night I was feeling overwhelmed with thoughts of the difficult university assigments that were due soon, and immediately I had the urge to look at P or to do MB. I need to find other things to fill the role of stress release - non-destructive things, such as reading or praying to God.

Today is the day I want to change. I have tried so many different ways and techniques. I desperately want this one to work.

[timetochange]

A brief history of my problem:

My first experience with P was when I saw a torn out page from a porno mag that was lying by the side of the road. We used to live in the country, and this road went by the side of a corner of our property. I saw the page while on a walk with my family, but quickly put it down and moved on before they could see it. Later I sneaked out of the house to get a better look. I was only 14 at the time.

Over the coming years, I became more and more dependent on P to satisfy my needs for love and fulfilment. My teenage years were not exactly "smooth", and I found that P kept things "under control" to some extent. I got into the habit of searching the internet for P whenever I was alone in the house. I would probably have used it every day if I had been given the chance.

My life has improved a lot since those days, and I am now a much different person to what I used to be. In many ways, I feel that it should be easier for me to quit now. I'm more emotionally stable than I used to be, I have more friends (including a couple of close female friends, which is something I never used to have) and I know God a lot better than I used to. I've even gone a couple of months without looking at P or using MB. Always, though, I seem to come back to P.

Why is this the case? I wish I knew. I hate P - in fact, I detest it: I loathe it. I hate what it turns me into. I hate the fear and the panic it brings afterwards. I hate the depression and the guilt that comes when I know I have failed yet again. I hate the thought that I will never be free of this disease. I hate it - and yet I keep on doing it. Does this mean I hate myself? Do I feel like I DESERVE all these terrible feelings of guilt and fear? Will I ever be free from my addiction?

[timetochange]

But I don't want to dwell on my problems, or on the bad feelings associated with my problems. Every day is a new day, and every day is a new chance for me to change my life.

I don't believe that God has called me to be a masturbator or a porn addict. Rather, it is Satan who is tempting me in this way. Instead, I am certain that God has a good life planned for me, a life where I am a strong, upright man who doesn't need to rely on false things like P to keep his life "under control".

This journal, then, is part of my road to recovery. It is part of my search for who I am meant to be. From this day forwards I want to start finding myself, and I hope so much that this journal and these support boards will be an important part in my journey to victory.

[timetochange]

Major temptations tonight. I'm all alone (everyone else has gone to bed). Looking at P would be so easy right now...

No - I've got to resist the urges. Small steps to freedom... But at the end of many small steps, you find you have come a mile...

Don't give in now. 6 days since last time. Just make it to a week, and then I'll go on from there.

[timetochange]

Wow! Major temptations right now. I feel like there's a battle going on inside of me!

But I didn't fall last night. I don't plan on submitting either today. Come on man, be strong.

[want2befree]

Keep up the fight timetochange! Flee if you have to!!! Run out the door of the house and start walking... or do something to get yourself physically removed from the situation.

Keep praying and acting.... praying and acting.

want2befree

[timetochange]

Thanks want2befree

This is REALLY hard at the moment. I'm alone in the house again and every part of me wants to get onto the net. I guess I must be going through some kind of "withdrawal", because my hands and body are literally shaking at the moment. Plus I feel really tired and dizzy - I can hardly concentrate on anything. And some little voice at the back of my mind is urging me to just give up, to just submit to the cravings.

God, this is HARD, HARD, HARD DAMNIT!!! I had no idea it could be this hard to give up P. I've hardly ever made it past a week - I usually give up about now. But it's been a week now, and I want to make it further. I WILL NOT SUBMIT!!! I WILL NOT SUBMIT!!! Get lost P and all those cravings - this time I HAVE to make it through.

Be strong, be strong, be strong...

[timetochange]

Lord, I pray that you would give me the strength to do this. Please God, I need you to get me through this. Please help me.

[timetochange]

*Sigh*

I finally caved in today and MBed twice plus looked at P once. Basically, I've been under HUGE stress lately. My hard drive died two days ago and I lost all my information (including important notes for some upcoming uni assignments). I've also had a lot of other responsibilities to handle recently. Today was just too much, and I gave in and MBed. Then later on I figured I'd "failed", so I might as well just look at P. Then of course I also MBed again.

I've got to get above this. I made it through 8 days, and I can make it there again. I just need to be strong.

Any advice anyone? I'd love to hear from anyone else who's fallen after making a strong commitment to change. I feel down, but I don't feel defeated. What else should I do?

[timetochange]

Things have gone from bad to worse. I've just used P and MB again. I think my motivation was something like: "Well, I fell yesterday, so I may as well just use them again". I'm feeling pretty low at the moment.

Sometimes I wonder how long I'll keep on going on like this. Something's got to change.

[timetochange]

Relapsed again. At times like this, I wonder it I'll ever be free. It seems like I've been trying to quit for as long as I can remember.

God, where do I go from here? I need help, and I need it fast.

[timetochange]

I made it through today clean. That's a good start I guess. Now I just have to do the same tomorrow, and then do the same the next day...

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time...

[timetochange]

Another day clean

[timetochange]

Still clean. That's three days now. Nobody said this would be easy, and it sure isn't...

[timetochange]

Stuffed up again this morning... This sucks