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Post by hopeflows on Aug 7, 2007 19:08:28 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for the thoughts and prayers. So many times over the past few months I have felt that this is the only place I can come to "speak my mind". It still holds true. You mean more to me than you will ever know, and I am 4ever grateful.
I haven't opened the emails, there are six now. Sitting there. I was looking at them while ago, wondering what's on his mind. I checked all of them, trying to hit that delete button. Then I started thinking about how very easy it would be to just go along with him. I mean, that would end this endlessness I feel. Sure it would make me feel horrible, but hey, I feel horrible now. The way I see it, I lose either way. This is a no win situation. Nothing good could possibly come from all of this. The emptiness is overwhelming at times. What's it all for? Why try? Everything just blows up in your face. Maybe the ones who just don't give a sh!t have the right attitude. If you don't care, then you can't be hurt. The closer I get to "the end", this panic, this hopeless feeling justs get worse and worse. I don't know what's happening to me anymore. I'm just so tired of fighting it all.
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Post by whoami on Aug 7, 2007 21:42:46 GMT -5
Hope. Please keep in touch
Dazed, sending cheerleader pushing.... You are all amazing. Sending huff puff pushing all your ways.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 8, 2007 3:54:07 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for the thoughts and prayers. So many times over the past few months I have felt that this is the only place I can come to "speak my mind". It still holds true. You mean more to me than you will ever know, and I am 4ever grateful. I haven't opened the emails, there are six now. Sitting there. I was looking at them while ago, wondering what's on his mind. I checked all of them, trying to hit that delete button. Then I started thinking about how very easy it would be to just go along with him. I mean, that would end this endlessness I feel. Sure it would make me feel horrible, but hey, I feel horrible now. The way I see it, I lose either way. This is a no win situation. Nothing good could possibly come from all of this. The emptiness is overwhelming at times. What's it all for? Why try? Everything just blows up in your face. Maybe the ones who just don't give a sh!t have the right attitude. If you don't care, then you can't be hurt. The closer I get to "the end", this panic, this hopeless feeling justs get worse and worse. I don't know what's happening to me anymore. I'm just so tired of fighting it all. Hope, the relief the uncertainty you describe would almost certainly bring you some 'pleasure' but it would be fleeting and momentary. What you're doing now is searching for some real inner happiness and he had never provided that, not sustainably anyway. This is a hard road to walk, but I'm proud of the steps you've taken down it already and I'm equally convinced of your strength to reach you destination one day. It WILL be worth it, you KNOW it will. You can be free of him and the weight he's placed on your shoulders, it's not easy, but then nothing worth having ever was. You understand that. He doesn't. He might never. Keep on keeping on, as hard a walk as it can feel sometimes, you are heading in the right direction. We'll be here to help you along the way and hold you up when you're just too tired, but your strength will return. Be sure of it. I'm not a religious man, but here ... "I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11 The race is not always to the swift, but to those that keep on running
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 8, 2007 6:05:08 GMT -5
What a difficult place you're in. I am sorry that the emptiness is overwhelming to you right now. I am sorry that you're tired of fighting.
I will say that, in my experience, "those who don't give a $hit", who have "protected themselves" with the armor of "if you don't care, you can't get hurt" are the most dangerous, hurtful and hurting people I have ever met. Think about the fellow who's sending you these e-mail. Think about his attitudes; would he agree with "I don't care; I'm not going to get hurt."? Would he? Has he tried to insulate himself from allowing himself to GENUINELY feel the gamut of human emotions? Does he not enter into genuine relationship with others (honest, disclosing, trusting, friendly) because it's "too real" and he might "get hurt." Or does he play games, control situations, hide behind lies and masks and partial truths to give him a false sense of control and a "safe place" where he won't "get hurt."? There may be some other questions than these that you might ask yourself.
But whatever your questions are, please do ask yourself the question, "Do I want, in any way, to be like him?"
And I suspect your answer to that question will be a guidance point for you in starting to answer your own questions, "What's it all for? Why try? Everything just blows up in your face."
I am glad you're here; I am glad you're here speaking your truths as you discover them. Yes, this is a dark and tiring place for you. But you will emerge to brighter places; I believe this for you.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 8, 2007 14:21:52 GMT -5
He just can't understand why I would refuse something that would be so much fun for everyone. Something we could share together and have a stronger marriage. I swear, I will never understand his thinking. That's a blessing you can't! Yes. You get as many do-overs as you need. I'm so thankful God is a god of second chances, third chances, fourth chances..... I was reading the book, "Silent Songs of Worship" by Terri L. Terry last night and thought of you many times. In it she talks about the Mosaic Tabernale and how each article is a representation of growth to becoming a mature Christian. This yucky, painful stuff is molding you to be more like Jesus. I thought how quickly together and deeply traumatic the painful tests you are going through resemble what Christ went through on earth. This lead me to think of an old quote that I hope you find comforting (I don't recall who wrote it or if I even have it quoted correctly - but my interpretation). "Everybody goes through suffering... as Christians that suffering helps mold us into the image of Christ - at least something good comes out of it for us." LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 9, 2007 5:47:42 GMT -5
whoami, U, Mayberry, LU thank you for the encouragement. This is a time in my life that I SHOULD be starting to relax abit, and enjoy the results of my productive years. Instead, I have to start over. My friend says I've been rode hard, and put up wet, like a horse. I told her if she was going to compare me to an animal, let's make it a pack mule. I've carried other people's (expletive) my whole life, and they have succeeded in breaking my back this time. So what, right? Everyone has problems. Obviously, I'm not very good at handling what life throws my way. I wouldn't feel so bad about all of this if I hadn't worked so hard for so long. I wouldn't even feel so devastated if I had ever given h a reason, any reason to do the things he has done. Unless I have a total blank spot in my memory, I can't come up with a damn thing. I almost wish I had been a complete and total self-serving bit@h through the years. I almost wish I hadn't been faithful to him. It seems to me that taking the moral, hard working "high road" gets you stomped into the ground face first. Then they kick you when you're down, just for good measure. Then they laugh because you've been their fool for years. I have come into full agreement with the saying "Life sux and then you die". So true. Another one bites the dust. Big deal. It happens everyday. The hermette idea started as a joke, but I am giving it extremely serious thought. I could pull that off. There are places in these mountains where no one has ever been. I could go further up the mtn and never be heard from or seen again. I can't tell you just how appealing that thought is to me.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 9, 2007 6:17:52 GMT -5
I understand the appeal. I truly do. and I hear you loud and clear.
You know, it's a bad habit that the downtrodden have to look for reasons that it might be their own fault. You know better than that. His insanity has nothing whatsoever to do with who you are, anything you said or did, or didn't do.
He would have become the same loser no matter what you had done.
The best reason for you to not have done all the things you're now saying you might has well have done is because they WOULD have damaged you. One day you might be able to step away from his faults, they aren't yours. If you had made some of those choices your lamenting you wouldn't be able to do that.
I know how hard it is now, but you can hold your head up high and say I WAS A GOOD WIFE, I AM A GOOD MOTHER, I'M A GOOD PERSON AND I'M PROUD OF ME. He can't do that and if he can it's all the more pathetic.
Please give yourself some credit today Hope. Phone one of those good kids of yours and just ask them what they're doing. Take some pride in the good children you raised and yourself through that.
We're here for you.
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Post by katmoi on Aug 9, 2007 8:56:37 GMT -5
I don't know about you, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's really him, not me. My DH was a PA and was addicted to mb before I met him, and he had the same issues with his former girlfriends. The only difference was that he never told me that he was a PA. He was afraid that I wouldn't have married him if I knew, and he's probably right about that. He also thought that our love was strong enough that he wouldn't need porn in our marriage, but he was 100% wrong about that. That myth only lasted three months before he was porning again, and it was a full four years into our marriage until he told me he had a problem.
Anyway, enough about me. My point is that what he does has NOTHING to do with you. If you're like me, that doesn't help much, but there it is for all it's worth.
Hugs, dear friend. Kat
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 9, 2007 12:53:46 GMT -5
This is a time in my life that I SHOULD be starting to relax abit, and enjoy the results of my productive years. Instead, I have to start over. Life is giving you one whale of a HUGE lemon - about the size of a whale... nah, about the size of a gymnasium... nah, a Navy Aircraft Carrier... or bigger. I hate to sound like Pollyanna here, but it can also be a time to take these bitter lemons and make lemonade - to redefine you, to create new goals. Use the crap he piled on you as a catalyst for a mid-life crisis where you get to branch out in ways you never expected to. And, let's face it, you NEVER expected or could ever even imagine in your worst nightmare, what you'd be going through now. Yeah, I know it sucks. Especially since he's the bozo that had the mid-life crisis that forced you to go through this crap. That is NOT fair - in any way, shape or form. It is NOT because of anything you did. About the only thing you could have done different is when he proposed, taken out a bazooka and blew his brains out - in which case you MIGHT be getting out of prison about now..... and going through a lot of the same stuff you're going through now. At least that would have been at YOUR choice and not something forced on you by his freaky, bizarre, immoral, illegal behavior. I don't think your back is broken. I can hear the anger underneath the words. A person who has anger is still fighting to survive. I believe you're a survivor. I feel confident you will make it through this and eventually have a life you're happy to be living - with grandkids around your knee and a new self-confidence and some strong boundaries to keep you safe. You're one of the strongest women I know. Obviously, you're WRONG. What you are going through in the past months would have landed most people in the mental hospital - and you're still functioning, caring for others, reaching out for help. AND, you've done that with many other major challenges - like the stupid detective, health problems, a threatening and insane soon-to-be-ex, and a psychologist who was as much help as a headache, and an employee who stabbed you in the back, and some major family issues with your daughter-in-law. You've handled the whole thing with grace - yes, you hurt, but you nurtured yourself until you are healing. You're an amazing woman and I'm proud to call you an online friend. This quote makes me think of you: Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow. ~Dan Rather.. You excel at courage and I've watched your courage grow during the past months. You yawned in church once in 1986.... yep, that'll get those pesky husbands to turn to drug and prostitute addictions every time to get over the trauma of seeing your tonsils in public.... NOT. I really do NOT think there was anything you could have done to change what happened. You married him in good faith that he'd be a good and faithful husband - he chose to take the low road. You chose to take the high road - you can look in the mirror without cowering in shame and humiliation. And had you taken that road, you'd probably have been dead from his rages and abuse. I totally understand that sentiment. THere are times I've thought of that. If you think your mountains are remote - where we moved from there is one person for every 3-3/4 square mile - - even the animals aren't afraid of humans. I know how hard it is now, but you can hold your head up high and say I WAS A GOOD WIFE, I AM A GOOD MOTHER, I'M A GOOD PERSON AND I'M PROUD OF ME. He can't do that and if he can it's all the more pathetic. That's an awesome quote. Wanna' put it under your beautiful, colorful avatar as a great reminder? I'm so sorry you're going through all this. How long until court day? Are you still reading Liberty's book? I care..... LookingUp
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 9, 2007 19:48:36 GMT -5
I could go further up the mtn and never be heard from or seen again. I can't tell you just how appealing that thought is to me. as appealing as finding out if I am having a boy daisy or a girl daisy??? I might even throw in pictures -ones you'd want to see, not that nasty birthing part. Hope, you have so much more courage then you see right now. And I see why running for the hills would be attractive.. I mean really, how much sh!t can one take?? But try to remember two things.. what unbreakable said "I WAS A GOOD WIFE, I AM A GOOD MOTHER, I'M A GOOD PERSON AND I'M PROUD OF ME. " AND only God can take a pile of sh!t and make it a beautiful garden- and He will. prayers coming at you -daisy
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Post by whoami on Aug 9, 2007 20:11:55 GMT -5
I care too, and thank you hope, for your hope and care that flows to me also.
I don't know your story from the beginning, ( but I have ways, my little pretty...lol) of finding you out...
Before d day occured in my life, I had pretty much a constant fantasy of joining Peace Corps in South America, joining the army ( got TOO late for all the bennies...) but my very fondest fantasy was to go find a cave in the Rockies, and hole out, happily ever after,
I loved that fantasy. Until it ran thru in it's entirety, and I had to eat my good faithful pack animals, and then the scavanger birds ate me..eeek, end fantasy.
We love ya, hope!
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 9, 2007 23:29:21 GMT -5
Well, I'm back to not sleeping, and scrubbing the finish off of anything I can get my hands on again. I've been helping my friend with her garden most evenings, but other than some more corn, she's done all the canning she plans to do. *I hope I never see another green bean as long as I live*, man those are a lot of work. Apparently Mr. D got tired of me not returning his calls. He pulled into my driveway and caught me outside. Couldn't hide. Couldn't not go to the door. I'm still not sure what his ulterior motive was this time, mostly because he was actually nice . I kept asking him what he wanted, and he kept saying "I just want to know how you are doing. I want to see you in person". Yeah, right. I trust him about as far as I can throw him. Nice. Why was he nice? I can't handle nice. Makes me suspicious. Thanks for the understanding, U. It's easy to tell when I'm crashing, isn't it? I do know the things he did weren't my fault. I do wonder though, what I could have done different that might have prevented some of this. Not that it matters now, but I do sometimes wonder. Hey, I did talk to my kids today. All three of them They're great, as usual. I still can't believe they're all grown up. I miss them so much. Gosh Kat, that really sux that he didn't tell you about his pa BEFORE you got married. How selfish is that? You know, it's true that it may be HIM, but it certainly has a profound effect on the spouse doesn't it? What a shame too. Good grief, LU. I don't know where in the world you see such courage, but I'm afraid it is terribly misplaced seen in me. I think U was being very generous with his statement also. I mean I appreciate it, but it's an overstatement. About the court thing, everything is being handled out of court. Yes, I'm still reading Liberty. In fact, I'm going to get the book she wrote before the one we are reading now. I forget the name, but I'll let you know. Ok now whoami......you must stop the fantasy BEFORE you get eaten by the scavenger birds LOL. Thank you for the smile. DAISY?? DAISY?? Are you telling me that we now have a dazlette? Boy or girl? Can I see, can I see?? G0d can take a pile of (expletive) and make a beautiful garden. I'm just afraid all my topsoil has washed away. Not much left to plant in. I need to go scrub something else.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 10, 2007 2:17:50 GMT -5
I'm glad to see you scrabbling to get back up. I can see that you are. When you fall a long way it's so much harder, and you are more than entitled to be weary, what you have and are going through is so hard.
But you ARE strong and you ARE brave, you prove it to us and God every day you get back up when what he did knocks you down all over again.
And you prove it by doing good, helping your friend, catching up with your kids. That's a good life you're managing to live Hope, even in spite of how much you're hurting you manage to get up every day and wait to see what life could possibly throw at you next.
Well, one day it's going to throw roses, I swear it will. When it does inhale deeply of their smell and remember why you do it.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 11, 2007 10:43:22 GMT -5
Well, I'm back to not sleeping, and scrubbing the finish off of anything I can get my hands on again. I think those things go in cycles. Hopefully this time it will be less duration and not as intense as the previous cycles. I love fresh green beans but I popped the ends on so many when I was a kid that we only planted them once as an adult - seems like they didn't like to grow onto the stakes and string and tried to grow all over the garden and strangle other plants (but I may be remembering wrong). If it was a good year for green beans, then usually friends were giving them away by the paper bag - if it was a bad year for beans, then mine wouldn't have been good anyway. With you and his history, I'd wonder, too. But it does sound like he's recognized your boundary that you WILL shut him out if he's rude and pushy. And any of the things you tell yourself now "what if I would have ....... <whatever>" may have got him into trouble sooner, or got your murdered. I can understand that! I'm glad you're relationship with them is good. I don't think it's misplaced. I'm waiting for the day when I can say, "I told you so...." I woke up at 6AM and started re-reading the book. There is so much there, that one book will not do it. I think it's one I'll have to read until the binding falls apart and the pages fall out before I grasp the magnitude of good stuff there. As she says, our mind, will and emotions really don't want us to know that stuff and fight tooth and nail to stop us from grasping those truths. Shattering your Strongholds. I was going to get it for one of my books this month - then decided to wait a month. I want to get more of the current book active in my life before I go for the deeper stuff. I may get the 3rd book first, "Producing the Promise." The Shattering book sounds from the chapter titles that it's a lot of doctrine and not as much "training wheel" information. I'd also recommend the book, "Silent Songs of Worship" by Terri L. Terry. She uses the model of Moses's Tabernacle for explaining Christian growth. I cried and cried during the first few chapters - it talks about .... I don't think she calls it this.... but it's how it came across to me. Why suffering and what's in it for me? But she talks about it as dying to self, putting your all on the alter, and I found it so encouraging for some of the stuff I'm going through. It helped me see the potential benefit of hanging in there when things were tough - as if I have an option, since I tried exploding once and it didn't work - just gave me a headache. Wal-Mart online sells this book - they may have it in your local Wal-Mart store, too. Wow you have a whole weekend to scrubbity, dub, dub. I pray you scrub some, read some and hunt for the balance. LookingUp
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 13, 2007 14:59:00 GMT -5
How's things going -- have you scrubbed the enamal off your tub yet?
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