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Post by unbreakable on Aug 2, 2007 4:05:22 GMT -5
Hmmm, ONE do - over is acceptable.
Do you feel reading it harmed you? Can you use that to convince yourself not to read anymore?
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 2, 2007 10:19:45 GMT -5
Some verses I seriously need to keep foremost in my mind today:
Ephesians: Chapter 4 verses 26 - 32
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 Neither give place to the devil. 28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. 29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you. So very hard to practice for me at times, like now.
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 2, 2007 10:34:38 GMT -5
Harmed me? If I'm honest, I'll have to answer yes. In ways I can't even begin to explain. I'm trying U. There's an email sitting there now, which I have NOT opened, but I haven't deleted it yet either Daisy, thank you thank you for reminding me of just how much I LOVE play doh. I just might go buy some today and some paint. Finger paint. I love finger paint. I'm gonna finger paint my office ;D
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 2, 2007 10:40:17 GMT -5
Hope, please, delete it, just as an experiment.
I promise you, you will feel a massive amount of release. Dont overthink, line up your mouse, click delete and then come back hear and breathe a breath of relief and say, "His words have lost all meaning to me, why waste time and emotion on them, I have better things to do".
If it doesn't work for you then go back to reading them, but I think you need to take a little power back here. You DONT need to read his gibberish. It reminds me of when my ex would get runk and rant at me, and I felt compelled to listen and let those words hurt me. So many times I ought just have walked away and waited till she had sobered up at least.
Do it. I think you'll like it. ;-)
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 2, 2007 11:14:58 GMT -5
I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes. You'd think it would be easy to delete. I like deleting. I've deleted myself a couple of times here. Now why can't I delete that email? I know you're right. I don't need to read his crap. Ok, so, yes I do know what it is. It's fear. See, dealing with a narcissistic sociopath on crack scares me a bit. A bit hell, it scares the poo poo outta me. I'm such a coward. I figure if I read his email, it might give me some insight as to what he will do next. Or something like that. Fear rules me with him, but that's what he wants. Ohmygosh. That's what he wants, isn't it?? I'm playing right into his hands, aren't I?
*%)#@mn MO%^&*$(#k(*% SON)$!BIT#&
I'm deleting it, right now. I mean it. Right now. I mean it. I am. Gonna do it. ok, gonna try to do it.
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Post by whoami on Aug 2, 2007 15:16:37 GMT -5
I hope you did it, but I know that would be SOOOO hard for me too! Even tho I know U is right....I am sorry you are in this position and I sure wish you the best.
I like the scripture you are focusing on today, and I thank you for the kindness you show to us here!!
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 2, 2007 15:24:50 GMT -5
Hopeflows: Question--is it possible that he can tell when you've opened your email? Through "return receipt requested" or, if you're both AOL members, through being able to see the status of the mail? I ask, because if this is a direct power play, and he CAN see that you've read them, NOT reading them may stop the flow. Just a thought.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 2, 2007 15:49:37 GMT -5
I don't need to read his crap. Ok, so, yes I do know what it is. It's fear. See, dealing with a narcissistic sociopath on crack scares me a bit. A bit hell, it scares the poo poo outta me. I'm such a coward. I think you're one of the bravest women I've ever met. A coward would drop her drawers and go to his stupid, low-life party and kow-tow to what he wants. You are standing firm - that's a hero. That's a woman who does it even if there's some fear. That's a woman with class and a back bone. You mentioned you get at least one e-mail a day; this has been going on for months. Question: Has even one phrase of an e-mail from him ever gave you any insight to what he will do next? Any phrase given you any peace that you can relax and feel safe? Or have the majority of the e-mails just left you feeling more frustrated, confused and afraid? Good for you. If you can't delete future e-mails from him; or put him on your spam list - then forward it without opening it to the police investigator and then delete it. At least if there are any hints on what he'll do next - the police can protect you. Which brings up a question, has Mr.D done anything to help you feel safe?
Love the scriptures you're focusing on today. Here's a companion scripture Jesus says in Matthew 10:16 (MSG) It makes me think of your current life: "Stay alert. This is hazardous work I'm assigning you. You're going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don't call attention to yourselves. Be as cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove."I'm so glad you're back. I've really missed you. LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 2, 2007 17:52:32 GMT -5
Yes, whoami, it's very difficult for me to delete and it shouldn't be because I love deleting However, I did do it. I actually deleted it withOUT reading it, and for some reason it scared me half to death. I felt like I had trashed any hope of survival or something. I guess I'll find out sooner or later. Mayberry, I've been wondering for quite some time now, whether or not there was ANY way he could know I was actually opening and reading the emails. I have never responded to them, yet he sends at least one a day. Why on earth would a person do that, if he thought I was NOT reading? Therefore, he must think ( or know, somehow) that I am indeed reading them. Which makes me feel really stupid, now that I write it out. I've been his puppet all along. Ohmygosh LU, nono no. Believe me, I'm a wuss. You put a man that much bigger than me, in my face, lifting me off the ground, telling me that I'm a good-for-nothing worthless bit@h, and trust me......I'll agree with him. There will be no argument on my part. wow, that's even embarrassing to write, but it's true. Question: Has even one phrase of an e-mail from him ever gave you any insight to what he will do next? Yes, I know when there is an upcoming "party". Any phrase given you any peace that you can relax and feel safe? No. Or have the majority of the e-mails just left you feeling more frustrated, confused and afraid? Yes. Which brings up a question, has Mr.D done anything to help you feel safe? I've probably mentioned before, LU, I kinda have to keep that man at arms length so to speak. To sorta (?) answer your question, yes I know he would do anything (legal or otherwise) to keep h away from me. Does that help? Wow, that scripture is almost scary to me. I'm so glad you're back. I've really missed you......good grief lady, you just made me smile that was very nice of you to say. I appreciate that......and btw, ditto.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 2, 2007 18:20:25 GMT -5
Ohmygosh LU, nono no. Believe me, I'm a wuss. You put a man that much bigger than me, in my face, lifting me off the ground, telling me that I'm a good-for-nothing worthless bit@h, and trust me......I'll agree with him. There will be no argument on my part. wow, that's even embarrassing to write, but it's true. I know where you're coming from. Knowing when to agree with an abusive idiot is sometimes the only way to stay alive - so that's wisdom... not wuss-hood. Been there, done that with ex1. Sometimes it takes more inner strength to agree with an idiot then to state the truth and get creamed or worse. Do you think he's telling the truth or just jerking your chain? Yes, that helps. I don't like how Mr. D has treated you; I think he's been very underhanded and dishonest from what you've said. But knowing he has your best interests (and life) at heart is comforting to me. Thanks for explaining. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you with it. LookingUp
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 3, 2007 3:38:30 GMT -5
I'm so proud of you, I think you did the right thing for YOURSELF. I hope he does know, let's see how long it is before you get another and whether it's easier to delete the second time.
I agree with LU, you're a remarkably brave woman and whether you haven't given yourself credit for that yet or not, believe me, it's true.
I'm glad you're here too. Very much so.
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 3, 2007 9:12:29 GMT -5
I don't think he's jerking my chain, LU. After all, I have seen it with my own eyes. He's serious.
Well, we didn't have long to wait, U. There's one sitting there now. It came in very early this morning. To delete or not to delete. That is the question.
I was reading Breaking The PoweR again last night, and came across this:
Those who are already in wrong lifestyles often introduce new participants into the same lifestyles-adultery, drug use, sexual perversion, stealing, etc. When a self-destructive behavior produces temporary relief from your unmet needs, the one thing that can temporarily lighten the load of related pain and shame is to have someone else under it with you.
I've been so concerned lately about what to do with these stupid emails from him. Then I come across that paragraph, and it reaffirms that h would love nothing more than for me to join his wicked ways. It ain't happening. I have my own wicked ways to deal with (anger, resentment, fear).
So I guess I need to do my daily deleting.
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 3, 2007 12:13:16 GMT -5
Yey!
Tell me you did it?
You rule Hope, really.
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Post by libby on Aug 3, 2007 16:12:45 GMT -5
If a man does that I'd be doing the same. But I just wanted to say good for you for deleting his email. If you continue to delete everyday pretty soon you've deleted him and his power.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 3, 2007 16:23:01 GMT -5
How did the daily deleting go, Hope?
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