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Post by hopeflows on Aug 3, 2007 18:00:13 GMT -5
U, libby, Mayberry.....I ummm well, I haven't opened it. Ihaven'tdeletedyeteitherbutI'mtrying. There, I said it really really fast. Whew.
I must admit, what happened today on the board really shook me up. I just happened to be here when that crap started and I just about fell over thinking about what that might do to a pa. I was so afraid for them. They work so hard to fight this stuff, and then something like that happen. I felt as helpless as I did when I found all of h's homemade videos. This has pushed me into a somewhat depressed state. I hate this stuff. I just hate it. For all of us.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 3, 2007 18:06:01 GMT -5
Yep, I'm right there with you, hopeflows. I was FIERCE with my concern for so many here; if this Quaker chick (me) could've reached through the wires and choked the bozos involved, I would've. Now: let's talk about TRYING. This is (a very strange kind of) easy. One, two, three....will you delete the mail? Will you then empty your deleted mail storage, if your provider has such a thing? I'm rooting for you!
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Post by libby on Aug 3, 2007 18:12:56 GMT -5
You can do it- every single time it get's easier and easier.
Another option may be: Some email accounts have a block option. That may be the better/easier option for you right now. Or maybe you can click his emails to go directly to spam that will delete automatically.
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 4, 2007 9:19:16 GMT -5
Hey Hope- My husband started reading a book I read ages ago, called "Out of Solitude". There is a quote I thought you might like to reflect on from it. Peace and prayers:
"more often than not we not only desire to do meaningful things, but we often make the results of our work the criteria of our self-esteem... we become our sucesses [or failures]..... we slowly come to the erroneous conviction that life is one large scoreboard where someone is listing points to measure our worth.... In the solitude [of the Presence of God] we discover that being is more important than having, and that we are worth more than the results of our efforts... that we become aware that our worth is not the same as our usefulness." -Henri Nouwen
Still no baby... speaking of results and feeling useful ;D
-daisy
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Post by katmoi on Aug 4, 2007 9:20:11 GMT -5
Keep on deleting, my friend. Look at it as your daily reminder that YOU are in charge now, not him. I greatly admire your strength. I know just how difficult that first delete must have been. Each time you do it, it should get easier. Best wishes, Kathy
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 4, 2007 17:41:21 GMT -5
Hi hope,
Wanted to say hi and that I prayed for you. I'm sooo thankful about the book - we read portions on the road to our convention. One lady was familiar with the author. Thanks for the blessing of pointing me to a great book!
LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Aug 4, 2007 19:26:27 GMT -5
Hey, hopeflows, I was shook up too. I felt just sick, and a lot chicken$hitty....and yes all of this is SO hateful, what happened yesterday was so "full of the Devil," it shook me up. But I do know the devil will never win. Much as I just cringed, and was so heartsick for the PAs, I think a lot of good triumphed.
I was shakey when I got your PM, but you helped me and doubtless lots of us, I thank you. And I thank you too Mayberry.
I can't really advise as to the to delete, or not to delete...it sounds like something I'd have a very hard time with. If you hang on to it, don't open it but eventually break down and open it, maybe you will finally decide you've had it, and go thru with the blocking or whatever. It's obvious you are worth so! much more than his evil games, I think you know it too. Just want to let ya know you are now on my prayer list too.
( I bet the unopened emails are mounting up. Damn!)
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 5, 2007 6:45:21 GMT -5
Hi Mayberry, libby, daisy, Katmoi, LU, whoami I *think* I finally understand my reluctance to delete the emails (yes, whoami, they are piling up. 4 now). When this all started, and he was so totally out of control, I became desperate to know what would be next. I wanted some clue as to what he could possibly come up with. Every time I turned around, he was slapping me in the face with some weird, over the top situation. Throw in that violent temper of his, and yeah, I was desperately trying to figure him out. It took a couple of months, but I finally realized that there is no way I can figure him out. I'm not capable of thinking the way he thinks. So, deleting should be easy, yes? No. It became part of my routine. Get up. Walk. Talk to G0d. Get ready for work. Read h's email. Fret. Worry, etc. Part of the routine. Now, as the end of my world (as I know it) draws near, it's even more difficult to delete. Letting go. I'm having to let go of everything I've ever known. Sure there are somethings, like those emails, that I should be overjoyed to let go of......but it isn't working that way. It's like it's just one more thing that I'm having to give up, and obviously I'm having a hard time with it. I guess I'm just trying to grasp something.....anything that I *know*. Something familiar. I feel like the past 30 yrs have disintegrated. The closer I come to the end, the more panic I feel. It's like knowing a loved one is dying from cancer. You know it's coming. You know they are going to die, but that doesn't help when the time comes. It still hurts just as bad. It's still just as scary. Everything I've ever know is dying out, passing on. I see it coming, but that doesn't help. Not deleting is just a desperate attempt on my part, to hold on to something familiar.
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Post by katmoi on Aug 5, 2007 7:29:52 GMT -5
Dear Hope - your desire to hold on to what is familiar makes perfect sense. Change is always very scary. Please know that whatever you choose to do, we are here to listen, and not to judge. Hugs, Kathy
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 5, 2007 12:09:21 GMT -5
This rings true. So does your entire post that contained this. My care and concern is with you as you figure out what YOU need to do to deal with these massive life changes. Hang in there.
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Post by whoami on Aug 5, 2007 20:39:00 GMT -5
I know the deleting can't be easy, and I really understand hanging on to the familiar, and how scary change can be. I just wanted to pipe in and tell ya, it's ok, we are FOR you, and don't forget that.....
{{{{{{{hopeflows}}}}}}}
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 7, 2007 9:30:25 GMT -5
Hey Hope- no news yet from me... accept that I have NO patience left.
Send prayers and "baby pushing" cheerleading my way..... ;D
-dazed
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 7, 2007 9:49:05 GMT -5
I *think* I finally understand my reluctance to delete the emails (yes, whoami, they are piling up. 4 now). That's great news. I'm sure that was difficult to do - I'm so proud of you. Sounds like you've been doing some very deep work on understanding yourself. My heart aches for you. I wish I had a magic wand to change the slow-moving train wreck so he would never have gotten into PA/SA/drugs, etc. Father God, please strengthen hopeflows today. Let her feel the awesome love of your presence and find hope flowing in her heart concerning the future - that there's nothing she will go through that you won't be with her, comforting her, encouraging her and growing her into the woman you've called her to be.LookingUp
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 7, 2007 10:04:49 GMT -5
Hi Hope, just saying hi before I log out and go home, I wanted to tell you how much help you've been to me and even during some really hard moments I hear you words.
Thank you for having helped. I hope you're well.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 7, 2007 14:56:47 GMT -5
Thanks for the visit to my journal, hopeflows. I have checked in on yours several times today...let us know how things are going, will you? Whatever the situation is, whatever you've decided to do, or not do, we are here for YOU. All good things your way. J
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