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Post by LookingUp on Aug 14, 2007 20:28:22 GMT -5
How's things going? Would really appreciate an update!
LU
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 15, 2007 8:12:32 GMT -5
sorry LU, I just don't have anything to say these days. And I mean really, what's left to say. He won. He took thirty years of my life and shoved it straight into hell. It was all a joke to him. My life has been in vain. I don't even care anymore. I just wish G0d would show me some of His mercy, and go ahead and end it for me since I don't seem to have the nerve to do it myself. Oh well, another one down and out.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 15, 2007 8:24:57 GMT -5
Thanks for the update, hopeflows. I really, really appreciate it. I'm sorry you're feeling used and abused by his behavior. I don't think he shoved your life into hell - but he shoved HIS life (thus your marriage) into hell. But I still believe that you will come out the victor. Father God, You took care of the Hebrew children in the firey furnace; you protected Daniel in the Lions Den; you helped Zaccheus climb the tree so he could see Jesus; you sent angels to let Paul out of prison; you had ravens feed Elisha (maybe that's Elijah); you let the boy David kill a huge warrior giant; you rescued me when I wanted to end my life -- please do the same for hopeflows. Let her know you are there; make your presence real; open the eyes of her heart that she will see you in new ways - to see how even in the midst of the storm - you are there and holding her hand. In Jesus' Name. AmenI thought about posting the poem "Footsteps" - but pray these lyrics encourage you: I don't know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day. I don't borrow from its sunshine For its skies may turn to grey. I don't worry o'er the future, For I know what Jesus said. And today I'll walk beside Him, For He knows what is ahead.
Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand.
Every step is getting brighter As the golden stairs I climb; Every burden's getting lighter, Every cloud is silver-lined. There the sun is always shining, There no tear will dim the eye; At the ending of the rainbow Where the mountains touch the sky.
I don't know about tomorrow; It may bring me poverty. But the one who feeds the sparrow, Is the one who stands by me. And the path that is my portion May be through the flame or flood; But His presence goes before me And I'm covered with His blood. LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Aug 15, 2007 18:41:06 GMT -5
Hope, I really hate that things are feeling this bad for you. I still don't know the whole story yet, but it doesn't sound like he's won anything. He's lost you, for starters!
I can relate to having over 30 years invested, and pretty much stolen from me but my H wants recovery, and that's a world of difference.
I'm wanting to God to show you mercy in another way...and that is my prayer. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. You said your kids are doing great, do you have grandkids too? Any way you can see them more often ( or move closer??)
Your sick SA has not won. You might feel like you've lost too much, but you must KNOW he's the real loser. {{{{{{{{Hopeflows}}}}}}}} May God wrap his arms around you and give you peace, comfort, energy and guidance for each new day.
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 16, 2007 11:54:23 GMT -5
Dear G0d,
Hey. I know you're busy and all, but the Bible says you hear our every word, our every thought even, and that we should talk to You often. You know us inside and out. Well, I do talk to you often. Off and on all day, most days. You know my heart. You know I've tried to remain faithful during this "test". I have said really mean and hate filled things about h. I'm sorry. I know the devil has an extremely firm grip on him right now, and I hate that that has happened. I really do. It's a good thing You can work miracles, because he's gonna need a few to get out of that mess. I'd like to talk to You about the mess that his mess has caused for me. This may be selfish on my part, but I can't help that right now. The light, I'm having trouble seeing the light. You know everything I've ever done in my life. You know how hard I've tried, and how hard I've worked. You know the details of these things. I have to ask....What more do You want from me? You blessed me with three wonderful kids, and I thank you for them. I did the best I could with them. They're all grown up now. Caring, fun, productive people. Please keep them safe. But they are gone now. I know you feel the emptiness in my heart without them. They were/are my best friends, and I miss them terribly. Just please take care of them. Sorry, I got sidetracked talking about the kids. Anyway, can I just take an F on this test? You've tested me before, and I MIGHT have made it through with a C, not sure. Maybe if I had been better prepared for what was to happen, I wouldn't be failing so miserably. You let him completely blindside me. Why did You do that? I mean, I know You have good reason, but it sure would be nice to know that reason. I'm walking along life's path, and BAM, a freight train flattened my butt. Did it HAVE to be such a hard hit? I find it hard to believe that it took something so horrid to get my attention. To lose everything I've ever known.....am I really that hard-headed, Lord? You're making me start over at THIS point in my life? Can You hear me? I was thrown right smack in the middle of a hurricane, and now everything is just gone. Gone. I'm looking at nothingness. I have no direction. I don't know which way to turn. The kids are grown, h is gone, the business is going, the house is going......void. I'm in a void, inside and out. I would seriously like to hear from You. Seriously. Soon. Very soon. Today would be great. Thank you. Amen.
.....thank you for the thoughts and prayers LU, whoami
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 16, 2007 15:47:26 GMT -5
It's nice to see you posting again. I was getting real nervous about you - wondering if your almost ex had hurt you or your computer. I really care about you and your safety.
I often don't know why God's put me in the valley at times - but afterwards, I usually see the blessing. I guess he knows we'll follow him (what other choice do we have?) and he'll get us to the other side and then refresh us with the green hillsides and still waters of Psalms 23. It would be so nice if God would answer in our time frame - but he has his own schedule. I think we can only trust He is doing what is best.
Romans 8:28 says, "We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God--those whom he has called according to his plan."
I'm so sorry you feel he's not talking right now. But I do know that He is undergirding you through this painful trial and will continue to hold you up.
Your current life reminds me a bit of Job - he lost all of his 7 children, he lost his home, his farms, his cattle, his health (he was left with a wife who nagged and friends who told him he deserved what he got) but at the end God vindicated Job's integrity, his loyality, made his friends apologize and doubled all his riches (and blessed him with 7 more kids - don't know how Mrs. Job felt about 7 more pregnancies). I pray that happens for you - (not the 7 pregnancies) but God will give you a double blessing... not only in riches, but in property, friendships and faith.
LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 17, 2007 9:11:37 GMT -5
Wow, talk about stuck in a rut. Plus, I seem to be making it deeper spinning my wheels. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've never felt so lost. A friend of mine says for me to do what *I* want to do now. Huh? Sounds easy, but it isn't. The thing is, I don't know what I want to do. There is absolutely nothing floating around in my head. I've always done what needed to be done for those around me, and now that they are gone....well, I don't know what to do. Doing for them IS what I wanted to do. Now, I'm supposed to do for "me"?? That's a joke. I might as well be asked to lift a 500 pound weight. I can't do it. I just can't. I don't know why, but I don't function that way. I don't even know how to explain it. It's like, if I can't "do" for someone else, then I simply can't "do" at all. I'm a strange bird.
Something umm odd (maybe?) happened last night, but I don't know how to talk about it yet.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 17, 2007 11:43:14 GMT -5
I think you've gotten a double whammy. You've recently been hit with the empty nest syndrom - and that is very, very hard on us moms. Then you were double whammied with your husband's addiction and all the fall-out from that. Either one is a MAJOR life event - but to get both of them in such a short period of time is just...... I don't think they make words for that amount of shock/pain/greif/trauma.
I understand that. I've been there before - for most of my life. I couldn't even watch a television show unless I was knitting or cross-stitching something for somebody else. I was fortunate because my brain injury forced me to focus on me - mostly so I had a chance to stop being a burden to my husband/caregiver. Through that painful ordeal (physically, mentally and emotionally) I found I could focus on me... and not feel yucky and selfish for doing that. I could work past the pain of focusing on other and focus on me. I kinda' like that now.... what a 180.
I still don't know what I want to do with my life, either. Hey, I'm quite a bit older then you, I'd better start figuring it out one of these days. I've made lists of things that I think I'd be good at, things that I have a little talent that could be developed, things that could be jobs and things that could be hobbies. Maybe a writer? Maybe a speaker? Maybe a quilter? I can do that for a few days or a week and then I'm bored. It seems that if I had a niche to fill, that it would energize me and not bore me. I'm not pity-partying, just opening my heart to you. But I think we may be in similar places and I think a lot of that is the empty nest stuff.
Would going to a career counselor be helpful? What about a life coach for the short-term to help you start discovering options?
I know you've mentioned you like to clean.... you've mentioned you like to walk/run.... it seems you've mentioned you like to grow flowers. Maybe some of those are "chores" in your life now - but could any of them become hobbies or new ways to reach out to others? Just tossing out ideas... You're welcome to tell me to shut my yapper.
Looking forward to an update. I'm so happy you are starting to open up again - I pray you find healing. I think when we can share our burden, we half the load. I pray that happens for you.
LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 19, 2007 16:55:46 GMT -5
After I said/wrote that prayer, I became more upset & panicky. The fight or flight response kicked in, and I wanted to run. I even pm'ed Wes and asked him to delete my journal again. For whatever reason, Wes was delayed. I got a strong urge to continue reading "Woman Thou Art Loosed" by TD JaKes. I began reading the chapter on the origin of femininity. This is my take on what he says & some of it is probably his exact words.
In it, Mr. JaKes talks about how women are like receptacles: like a receptacle which delivers an electric current. In order for the receptacle to be useful, something must be plugged into it. He adds that being a receptacle makes a female vulnerable. Women are open by nature and design; therefore we need to be very careful with who we allow to "plug" into us and draw strength from us. That's not just in a sexual manner, it is all manners. The wrong plugs will seek our help and drain our power. It can be a husband, our children or even close friends drawing our strength. G0d knows our vulnerability and designed it so that those who plug into us sexually WILL have a covenant with that woman. A commitment for life. There isn't one place in the Bible that says casual sex is okay. A married woman is covered and protected by her husband, and a single woman is covered by her chastity and morality. We're asking for trouble when we leave ourselves open and uncovered. Woe be to those who take advantage of a woman's vulnerability in ANY manner.
I started realizing that I had let an ungodly person (h) plug into me for 30 years. He continued drawing my strength and power for his selfish desires for years. He always told me that I was his strength, and that I kept him grounded. This comment never made sense to me, but it makes perfect sense to me now. He used and abused me for years leaving me feeling worn out and drained. Every time he felt I was getting strong, he would find a way to zap me yet again. Things like me not deleting emails (no, I haven't read them), allows him to continue drawing my strength. It's time for me to completely "pull the plug" and renew myself in G0d's strength and love.
I pm'ed Wes again, apologized and asked him not to delete. He wrote back and said "I'm sorry, but it's already gone". That's okay, he did exactly as I asked. Then I went to the journals, low and behold there it still sat. It makes me wonder if G0d delayed Wes, and then malfunctioned his delete key?? It's like I'm being told/shown....."Nope. Not this time. Stop running and pull the plug".
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Post by whoami on Aug 19, 2007 18:49:50 GMT -5
I sure am going to want to take a look at that "Woman Thou Art Loosed," I've got that and the author written down, that and something called The Beauty Myth that someone mentioned, that sounds like it could be helpful.
I PMed Wes and another moderator to delete one of my threads, but they didn't, what is up with that? I'm glad your journal didn't get deleted tho, very glad.
I don't know what your financial situation is, or if you work outside home, but was wondering....if you don't know what to do without doing for others, would volunteering be a possibility? Would you have time to work that in? There are a lot of needy people out there, and I have found volunteering helpful to me personally in helping me count my gratefuls in life. It's just a shot here but was just wondering... Hugs, Hope I really liked your prayer by the way.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 19, 2007 18:57:05 GMT -5
Totally awesome. Toally terrific. Thanks for sharing the healing God is doing in your heart and life. You sound like you're back in a place of strength in God again. He is soooooooo good to His children.
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 19, 2007 19:16:25 GMT -5
Wow! What an amazing story! Thank you for taking the time to post it here. J
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 20, 2007 8:33:51 GMT -5
Hi whoami....I think the book is worth a read. It's helping me understand a lot of things that I really haven't ever put much thought into. I also find it is making me a bit defensive at times. I'll read a part of it, and think..."How dare him (h) use me to such an extent. Who does he (h) think he is? " I'll tell ya, the more I read the more I'm coming to realize that the people involved in p0rn (making it, viewing it, whatever)....well, these people have QUITE the rude awaking coming to them. I'm glad I'm not in their shoes.
Hi LU, Mayberry. I've always heard that G0d works in mysterious ways. Well, let's just say that I absolutely believe that now more than ever before.
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 20, 2007 9:15:25 GMT -5
"Unto the woman He said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. Genesis 3:16
Here's what TD JaKes has to say about that in his book :
God explained that birthing comes through sorrow. Everything you bring forth comes through pain. If it didn't come through pain, it probably wasn't worth much. If you're going to bring forth-and I'm not merely talking about babies, I'm talking about birthing vision and purpose-you will do so with sorrow and pain. If you're going to bring forth anything in your career, your marriage or your life, if you're going to develop anything in your character, if you're going to be a fruitful woman, it's going to come through sorrow. It will come through the things you suffer. You will enter into strength through sorrow.
Sorrow is not the object; it's simply the canal that the object comes through. Many of you are mistaking sorrow for the baby instead of the canal. In that case, all you have is pain. You ought to have a child for every sorrow. For every sorrow, for every intense groaning in your spirit, you ought to have something to show for it. Don't let the devil give you sorrow without seed. Any time you have sorrow, it is a sign that God is trying to get something through you and to you.
Be careful that you don't walk away with the pain and leave the baby in the store. You are the producers. You are the ones through whom life passes. Every child who enters into this world must come through you. Even Jesus Christ had to come through you to get legal entry into the world. He had to come through you. You are a channel and an expression of blessings. If there is to be any virtue, any praise, any victory, any deliverance, it's got to come through you.
This has my attention at the moment. hmmm
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 20, 2007 13:42:17 GMT -5
I'll read a part of it, and think..."How dare him (h) use me to such an extent. Who does he (h) think he is? " Could you be in the anger stage of grieving? f you're going to bring forth anything in your career, your marriage or your life, if you're going to develop anything in your character, if you're going to be a fruitful woman, it's going to come through sorrow. It will come through the things you suffer. You will enter into strength through sorrow. Wow. That's pretty awesome. Another WOW! I can certainly see why. It has my attention, too. I loved the quote you posted. I thought to myself, "I've never heard anything like that - it's awesome. Then I realized he has two books with that title. Here's the book I've read: www.amazon.com/gp/reader/0425202291/ref=sib_dp_pt/002-5498770-1616850#reader-linkI need to get that book. It sounds great.
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