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Post by hopeflows on Aug 21, 2007 7:54:41 GMT -5
The one I'm reading is a paperback, LU. I think it's worth a read.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 22, 2007 6:31:59 GMT -5
So....what's news in Hopeflows' land? The last quote you shared from the book you're reading really spoke to me, and I thank you for sharing that. Any more good 'uns to share? Any fun or good or satisfying things you've done for yourself in real life this week so far? We want to know! (And btw, I find your "I want my images back" campaign to be a hoot. Especially as you incite baby Lilly to join in! Goodness! Corrupting infants with political demonstrations. Tsk tsk! )
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 22, 2007 15:59:10 GMT -5
I'll tell ya, Mayberry, this entire book is speaking loud and clear to me. For instance: I've been struggling greatly with what to do with myself once all is said and done. In fact, I'm fretting constantly over it. I wake up in the middle of the night going "WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MYSELF"?? Terrified because there doesn't seem to be any answers. Last night I did that, and then it was followed by an urge, no a need, no a hunger to read more of that book. So I did, and here is (literally) where the book fell open in my lap:
TD JaKes, Woman, Thou Art Loosed
In part: Many women spend their lives building their identity around their role rather than around their person. When the role changes, they feel somewhat displaced. Because being a good mother is a self-sacrificing job, when those demands have subsided, many women feel like Naomi. Her name meant "my joy." But after losing her children and husband she said, "Change my name to 'Mara'." Mara means "bitterness." Don't allow changing times to change who you are. It is dan-gerous to lose your identity in your circumstances. Circumstances change and when they do, the older woman can feel empty and unfulfilled. In spite of Naomi's bout with depression, God still had much for her to contribute. So just because the demands have changed, that doesn't mean your life is over. Redefine your purpose, gather your assets and keep on living and giving. As long as you can maintain a sense of worth, you can resist the "Mara" mentality.
...seems I just need to find a sense of worth somewhere.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 22, 2007 16:58:35 GMT -5
God is so good. His timing is awesome. I'm glad you found something that was soothing and edifying to you.
LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 23, 2007 11:49:09 GMT -5
I've felt that things were going waaaaaay to good concerning how h was handling the divorce. He was pretty much ignoring it. Acting like I didn't mean it, and that *I* would come around and see things his way. It's like he has been "playing along" or something. Well, he ain't playing along anymore. It has apparently taken him this long to realize that I MEAN it. To put it mildly, he isn't taking it very well now.
I'm trying not to let that familiar fear rise in me again. I know what he's capable of doing. I know how violent he can become. That look. That face gets as white as a sheet of paper, and the rims of his eyes actually turn red. It's like there is no real color in his eyes, it's just all pupil. He bites his tongue, and his whole body starts shaking. That's when it happens. Any sudden movements and you are pounced on. You have to be slow and deliberate. Trying not to even look at him, because he will take any little "look" and see it as a challenge. Any words are a challenge also.
It's so hard not to get scared. I'm such a wuss. I wish I was ten feet tall and bullet proof.
Calls have been made to do what I can to protect myself, yet this fear is rising again. Will this ever end? Will I ever really be safe? I'm doubting it at the moment. I just don't see how it is possible.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 23, 2007 12:36:43 GMT -5
Oh, my dear friend, I am so sorry you are going through this. Is he off his meds again? When is Mr. D going to put him behind bars to keep you safe? I do NOT for a minute think you are a wuss to be afraid of someone who has hurt you in the past and has done nothing to learn appropriate behavior rather then physical/emotional/sexual/verbal abuse. I think you are one very, very wise woman to be afraid. I pray that fear will help keep you alert from danger and safe. May you find a place of spiritual safety and peace as you keep physically and mentally alert. May I recommend reading Psalms 91 www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalms%2091;&version=45; This is in the Amplified version that gives a bit of detail of the Hebrew words that were used originally and brings out a lot of important nuances. Another comforting passage is Psalms 27 www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalms%2027;&version=46;I'm sooo sorry you're going through that. You do not deserve that - you deserve to be protected, cherished, loved and validated. I wish he could have done those things for you throughout the years rather than cause you angst, pain and fear. LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 24, 2007 5:44:30 GMT -5
I don't see how being scared in the face of uncontrolled anger is being a wuss. I'm a pretty brave gal...the type to face down the drug dealers on the corner when school was letting out...and my first husband's physical "I'm getting angry" signs when he was in the paranoia part of his bipolar festival scared the stuffing out of me.
I wish you were 10 feet tall and bullet proof too. Or that you had a posse of not-10-feet-tall-not-bullet-proof folks around you. I'd gladly volunteer. Seriously, ARE there folks you can surround yourself with?
I've read your journal, but I think I have missed the basic premise of where you're living, where he's living, etc. So I don't know if you are at risk through having to see him every day, or whether he decides to "drop in" on you when he feels like it, or other important "safety of environment" questions.
Please, please, please, DO keep yourself physically safe. If what you have written is correct (and I suspect it is dead-on), and he's just "getting it" right now, you may VERY WELL be in a very dangerous zone. I'm here for you, if there's something I can do or listen to that might help, beyond my prayers, which I am offering for you this morning. J
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 27, 2007 20:56:01 GMT -5
Hi, hopeflows, did you have a good weekend? I've thought about your often.
LookingUp
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Post by dazednconfused on Aug 27, 2007 23:06:09 GMT -5
Hey hope- not to sound like a prying, worrying mom... BUT... pleasse check in and let us know you are ok. I know 4 days in the grand scheme of things isn't much, but we are worried with your soon-to-be ex socio-path h running about. And if you need to hide, I have a hill full of "daisies" and "lillies" and a few other flowers that have real people names with all the kids, you can blend right in. I'll even turn a blinf eye to the paint ball guns, as long as they avoid the newly painted rooms. take care of yourself peace and prayers your way- daisy
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 28, 2007 5:09:26 GMT -5
Checking in with you, dear, and echoing the concerns already stated by others! I have no worries about being perceived as a worry-wart...I am! Let us know how you're doing, eh? You're in my thoughts and prayers. J
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 28, 2007 11:36:02 GMT -5
LU, thank you. I clicked that link to Psalms 91, and the first thing that jumped out at me was this "911". Psalms 91:1. All I could see was the 911. You sent me a 911 . Thank you. From now on, when I feel that familiar fear rising yet again, I'm going to call upon 911; Psalms 91:1...... 1HE WHO dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand].Hi daisy, Mayberry I'm hanging in. I'm staying as busy as I possibly can so that I do not think about what h might do, or be up too. I've done all I can right now, to protect myself. If he does something, well I guess I'll just deal with it. For the moment, I'm beginning to believe that my biggest fear, is the fear I let him provoke in me. I'm just gonna HAVE to put my trust and faith in 911 (see explanation above ). .....ummm daisy? An update would be very much appreciated. I'll even forget about teaching Lilly how to use a paint ball gun if we can get an update Mayberry, the "safety of environment" questions....well I do what I can. The only thing I know for certain, is that I never know what the man will come up with next. He does the most reckless, ridiculous, absurd, obscene things I've ever dealt with. So, your guess would be as good as mine.
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 28, 2007 12:11:05 GMT -5
Wow, the more I read about forgiveness, the more I realize that I had better get serious with it. Forgiveness is so important that JesUs gave His life so that we could be forgiven our sins. In fact, if we don't forgive others for what they have done to us, then G0d isn't going to forgive us our sins either. Colossians 3:13 (amp) Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive].Matthew 6: 14-15 (amp) 14For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and [c]giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their [d]reckless and willful sins, [e]leaving them, letting them go, and [f]giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses.I can say, Hey I forgive you....but do I REALLY mean it? According to those scriptures, if I still have resentment then I have not forgiven unconditionally. Therefore I will not receive unconditional forgiveness either. Wow. I'm reading a couple of books right now, and I'm not sure which of those books I remember reading that when we forgive unconditionally, it brings us TOTAL freedom from the hurts. We are saying, it's okay, I can handle the pain because G0d will remove it. Plus it says in Romans 12: 19 (amp) Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for [God's] wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord.(C) so I really don't have to worry about what will happen to the person that hurt me. It also says in Ephesians 4, that if we let the sun go down on our anger, then we leave room and establish a foothold for the devil. I REALLY DON'T need anymore trash from Satan. I need to get very serious with this unconditional forgiveness thing.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 28, 2007 19:14:19 GMT -5
Thank you, hopeflows, for the update. You have calmed my concerns about your safety.
I love the way you call it Psalm 911.... Wow! What a wonderful way to recall it. Sounds like you've been doing a LOT of Bible study lately! Wow. That's terrific.
For me, when I forgive, I have done what God asked me to do and the flow from the throne of grace is re-opened into my life like a flood of love and blessings. That does not mean my emotions instantly line up with that decision... but those pesky emotions will be headed in the right direction over time.
Let's say I forgave you for zapping me with a paintball and ruining my new jeans. The next time I want to wear those jeans, I might have an emotional trigger of anger and pain because of the bright neon orange stain on the leg. Then I'd remind myself that I had chosen to forgive and ask God to help my emotions line up. Let's say the next week I grab the jeans and then see the paint stain - the emotions may still arise, but not as much as the previous week. Then I'd remind myself that I had chosen to forgive and ask God to help my emotions line up. It may take weeks, months or years but eventually I could go to the closet, get the jeans, put them on when I'm painting or working in my yard and remember the talks we'd had on the board, the fun we had before you hit me with a paint ball and ruined my jeans.... but the anger about the neon orange paint wouldn't be there... it would just be a fact of our shared history -- with no more emotional impact then recalling all the dishes I washed when the kids were little. It was just a "fact" of my history and not an emotional pothole in the road of my life.
Same for the adultery that lead to divorce from ex2. He can still trigger me when he is mean to our co-children; but there is no emotion attached to what he did that offended me to the place where I divorced him. It's been down graded from offense to fact.
Same for the adultery and abuse from ex1; even when I think of the unborn baby that died because he beat me so bad.
Same for the stranger who abducted and raped me.
These things use to cause me fear, anger and humiliation. But through the years, now my reaction is, "That's too bad I had to go through that, I really didn't deserve it. Sometimes I even (shockingly) have a 3 second feeling of compassion for how a human being could get so far off-course in their life that they could do things like that."
Sometimes I still get some emotional reaction from a rememberance.... but the emotions are lessening as I come closer to acceptance. But I still feel my heart is pure and clean before God because I've made the conscious choice to forgive and am growing in His grace to get the emotions lined up with that choice.
As for resentment - I think it's a choice, too. I have made a conscious choice to give it up - but it may take a while to walk that out until satan doesn't slap me across the face with it when the memory comes.
LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 29, 2007 5:19:24 GMT -5
Wow, hopeflows! What an interesting conversation to wander in on! LookingUp's shot-me-with-a-paintball analogy really speaks to me. I enjoy her down to earth description of how the injury still exists, the harm still happened, but healing takes place over time and how we are part of that healing process by doing, living, facing our "stuff" until it's woven into the whole that is "who we are" and it doesn't stand out as an injury any more. I have been spending a lot of time with the notion expressed (I believe) in the Lord's Prayer that we will be forgiven EXACTLY as we learn to forgive others. That's a lot of punch to pack in: "Forgive us our sins *as* we forgive those who sin against us." I've found that rather sobering, myself. I like the way the version of Matthew you quoted puts it. I like that "moving on" part, a lot. Anyway...just wanted to say hello, say that I'm glad you're safe (was worried), and say thanks for letting me easedrop on your conversation here. I hope the day goes well for you!
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 31, 2007 15:04:20 GMT -5
I noticed a "hopelesss" is having a birthday today. If that is YOU -
MANY HAPPY RETURNS! Happy Birthday!
I said a prayer that you'll have a terrific day - whether it's your birthday or not.
LookingUp
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