lady
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Post by lady on Jul 30, 2007 6:00:04 GMT -5
I've decided to start this diary as a way that will hopefully help me sort through all the stuff that is going through my head. Some are thoughts that have been around for years, others have only just come around as a result of our seperation. Even though I've been going to weekly councelling for 3 months, there are some things that I just can't seem to resolve. This is so frustrating for someone like me who usually is able to work out a problem, and then move on.
I know that having young children does impact on decisions that need to be made, but I still don't get my hesitation. AND I'm still so angry and hurt.......after all this time. I have done the "anger letter" as my councellor instructed (all 5 pages of it) and still it simmers away, this is so unhealthy for me. Feelings of not being "good enough" still rage even though I've read a lot by the PA's and this has given me a huge insight. Why can't I just let go and get on with things? I've even started a little bit on recovery nation. What more do I need to do to sort myself and this situation out?
I hope that each entry I do will help me unravel a little more so that slowly, slowly I can reach a decision. Do we call it quits or do we stay together? My first step tomorrows is to really focus on getting us to couples councelling, which has to date been harder than I thought. So many places have no vacancies.
That's it for now, I can't get the thoughts onto the screen quick enough.
lady
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 30, 2007 8:55:48 GMT -5
I read your journal entry. I'm glad you've started it and hope it helps you find healing.
As for quick healing: I told my husband that I need at least one year for healing for each year he visually cheated (probably more like 2 is reasonable) - for each year he is in recovery and totally transparent with me. He presumed his "I'm sorry" should have put me back at square one. I wish it could have. I'm like you - I like to sort things out, and move on with the minimum of fuss and pain. But PA hits at the core of our being and brings up every little slight and insecurity we've ever felt about our femininity - at least it did to me.... plus, their PA forces us to work through aging gracefully in an age where youthfulness is almost worshipped. For me, I'd stuffed my insecurities about my femininity and security for years - so there was a huge backlog to work through.
Glad you're getting counseling. SOrry you're having trouble finding vacancies for marriage counseling.
LookingUp
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lady
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Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Jul 31, 2007 7:14:41 GMT -5
Thanks LU. Agree with your healing time frame. Yes, it would be great if "sorry" could fix things but the damage goes way, way deeper, hence the need for us all to be here. It's amazing the repurcussions from all of this.
Didn't make those phone calls today. Just didn't feel like going through the whole story again and bringing it up. I guess there are times when I want to bury this whole things and just pretend that the white picket fence and happy family dream is still alive. I know that he is keen to get councelling started but sometimes I feel that he's pushing because it doesn't look good for him, not living with us - more an appearances thing. Should be happy that at least he wants to go and that we may get the chance to sort things.
I'll be interested to read back over my entries in the next few weeks/months and follow the ups and downs. I'm trying to figure if recently diagnosed severe PMS (bloody stupid girly problem) is impacting on my judgement when it comes to dealing with him. I believe it has. As I write now I feel "normal" and capable of dealing with the p and the world at large. We had a chat on the phone last night and I could actually understand some of his views, that's not take away the impact of his pa. I can understand why he is angry I threw him out and I can understand why he is never home due to work. Let's see in 3 weeks or so if I'm still so level headed. Friggin hormones!! Truly thought I was going mad/crazy/nuts before GP set me straight. As I see it, it's a good thing we don't live together at this point cause it gives me space to get the PMS sorted without it causing additional problems for him. I can still remember nights sobbing my heart out on the kitchen floor, I wanted to scream, lash out at something. Very impatient with the children, couldn't think what to cook for tea, shouting all the time and just the tears, then a few days of depression. Bloody awful. Never believed in this crap before, but now.......!!!!!!
I really wish he would take to me about this problem. All I get from him is "it's gone, no more". If he had some sort of other addiction, I would be there to listen, support, help or whatever and that's what I would like to do now. Show I'm there for him but he says I'm nagging every time I trying to talk about it. That of course leads me to think that he is in no way accepting he has a problem. He has even said its not a problem for him. I don't know why he can't see what it's done to our family. And then when I try to think about our future and how we will ever get back to being loving, trusting and intimate, it just seems impossible. So why am I trying? He's becoming defensive on most subjects I bring up, why can't he see that I have become the way I am as a result of his deception and lies. I really hate this and I hate how I feel.
lady
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 4, 2007 5:31:20 GMT -5
A bit on the angry side today. It's now been 3 weeks since he's seen the kids and he only lives 5 minutes away, 10 at the most. He even dropped money in last night and left it in the letterbox, didn't attempt to come in or arrange to come in? Gone to the footy today with work guys (said he HAD to go, the boss would frown at it if he didn't). Then they all go out and get sh!tfaced, some then go to the strippers. Where is the compromise? Why not just go to the footy (doesn't even really follow it anyway), have a few beers then come here and see us. How the hell are we going to reconcile when he's not making the effort. AND most important, what message is this sending to the children. Tomorrow he is working a private job and on Monday (which is supposed to be his RDO) he is working. He stipulated that we could only go to couples councelling on his RDO's which are every second week. What if we had a session booked this Monday, he would cancel. How can 2 hours per month be beneficial? And that's if he doesn't come up with excuses not to go. At some point he has to step up to the mark and be a dad if we are going to get things back on track. He keeps asking when we are going to councelling and it appears he wants to resolve the issues but his actions say otherwise. How can we get through this when I have the gut feeling again that he's got p. How do we get to sit and talk when he was never home? I know it's a fine line with work committments and balancing family life but it can be done. It wont be done if we cannot spend time together and build up a friendship again. I just don't know why I'm bothering. I want so much for the kids and their future but I'm beginning to think he doesn't want the same and cannot change as the family dynamic changes. Most important, why does he deny the p problem when we now have a beautiful daughter - is this what he wants her to become??? Why can't he see. Jeez I wish he'd talk to me.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 5, 2007 6:15:08 GMT -5
After speaking to him yesterday morning (saturday), he indicated he would try and get his private work done early so he could come and see the kids. It's now 9pm Sunday night and no visit, no phone call. Why am I even worried, I knew he wouldn't come over. It's 3 weeks now since he's seen the kids. The kids are too young to understand, fortunately, but once again I am still disappointed in him. What kind of father is he? Again the actions don't match the words.
I have a strong feeling that he did end up at the strippers last night after the footy, suspect that's why he didn't want to come here cause he knew that I would see it on his face. Still completely denies he has P at the house he lives in but I KNOW that he does. I feel he thinks that since we are seperated, he can do what he wants cause I ain't there to "nag" at him. PPfft. What a moron.
Again I ask myself, why do I stay??
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Post by katmoi on Aug 5, 2007 8:05:38 GMT -5
Hi Lady - I'm so sorry that you are going through this, especially since you have young kids at home. It's always hard, but even harder when there are young ones who are affected.
Apart from the kids and the difficulty to let go of that which is familiar, you are right to ask yourself why you stay. The glaring problem that I see is that YOU are the one who is making an effort to "fix" your relationship. If your DH was concerned with making changes and saving your marriage, he would be the one finding a counselor for the two of you, and he would be the one trying to visit you and the kids whenever you would allow it. I know each situation is different, but when I confronted my husband, he and I sat our office together, and both of us called and emailed different places to find a therapist for us. We went to two different therapists, and chose the one that we both felt would be able to help us. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but when you are hurting, as you are, it's hard to see things from the outside. I hope that you focus on getting counseling for you, because the future is going to be painful, especially since your DH is in a state of denial.
Again, I hope that I haven't been too direct, and of course I am only saying what I think based on what you've been able to write here. You are the only one who know exactly what is right for you. If I am wrong, that is fine too. All I want is for you to take care of yourself and your kids, and for you to be good to you. Hugs, Kathy
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 6, 2007 7:50:19 GMT -5
Hi Kathy, thanks for your kind words and advice. Appreciated. Just to let you know, I have only stopped him seeing the children twice in the 4 months we've been seperated, once, early on when I was really angry and last time I was particularly unwell. So it's not me stopping him, it's his "committments" whatever the f@#k they are!!!
I'm glad to report that I have finally been able to get us into couples counselling, first appointment is in 2 weeks - I feel relieved that we are moving forward. It was interesting when talking to the counsellor that she had read my notes from my individual counselling sessions and said that I seem to be making progress!! Had to admit that some days are still better than others. She also asked me if I would continue with my own counselling and I said yes as i felt it still to be important. I think this counselling is going to be really confronting and in some ways do not look forward to it, BUT I do hope it will make him come to terms with what the p has done to our relationship and maybe he can get help with it. I have noticed this weekend just gone that when I saw 2 young girls, with pushup bras, makeup, slim and skimpy clothing I got angry/upset. My first thought was that I'm glad he's not here and the second was "those stupid (expletive)es are flaunting themselves and they don't know the damage they are doing". Seems that a simple event like shopping could be an issue for me when I see these girls. Just his type, all "porno slutty".
On another note, I rescued a juvenile ring-tail possum from my cat about an hour ago. I can't believe this cat, he has 2 collars and FOUR bells AND 1 metal registration disc on him and he still manages to catch things. Fortunately he always brings his catches to the back door for me so I have a chance of getting them before it's too late. The possum is a real cutie. It's now tucked up in its basket in the "pouches" I have and has a heat pack under it to help with shock. Have just been in to check it and its still alive. I have hope now it will make it through to morning and if there are no puncture wounds from the cat, it will have a fair chance of survival. I did a little bit of wildlife rescue and pick up a few years ago so still have some of the supplies and bedding which will come in handy. Don't know why, but I feel this is symbolic - if the possum survives, our relationship might also. I really care about animals and feel this has been sent to me for a reason. Will have to have a stern word with the cat - or maybe get him a cow bell, THAT might slow him down!!
Thanks for reading.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 6, 2007 12:18:00 GMT -5
Sorry your husband isn't stepping up to plate quickly and doing things to help you feel validated and safe. I'm glad you were able to find a counselor; I pray your husband will mesh well with this one and get the help he needs to be the husband you deserve and the father the children need.
Interesting story about your cat. I hope the possum survives.
LookingUp
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lady
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Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 7, 2007 7:48:39 GMT -5
Thanks LU. I also, would like him to be there as a father for the kids. Not just a father in name, but as a father in deed which he is definately NOT doing now. He keeps saying he loves me and the kids and wants to come home, but he hasn't visited in over 3 weeks now - actions not matching the words!!!
To let those know who are interested, "Poffit" the possum didn't make it. She survived overnight (good sign) and I was able to get hydrating fluids in this morning (good sign). Took her to the vet early this afternoon and he gave her 4 injections of anti-biotics, fluids etc. She lasted maybe another hour after that....I think the shock of it all was too much. Such a shame, cause she was such a sweetie, I really hoped she could make it. Maybe I was using her "confusion and pain" as a way of proving myself to me. I mean, I'm feeling that I'm not good enough for bf and he needs other women. I am definately confused and in pain. Maybe if I could have saved the possum, I could prove to myself that I am actually good at something and am "needed". Interesting thought.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 10, 2007 5:10:18 GMT -5
It's been almost 4 weeks since dh has seen the children. He does drop the child support money in but leaves it in the letter box as he is on his way to elsewhere. I don't get it. I know he is really hurting being away from us, but I cannot help with that at this point. Can't wait for us to get to counselling - I'm sure that will be positive, however I know it won't happen quickly.
I would like to ask any of the pa's who read this journal for some insight as to something that has had me baffled for a few years. And this is for those who read the magazines and get vids, not computer stuff. What is the significance of "collecting" these items once they've been looked at. Why not just throw them out? My pa had mags going back many, many years. It's not like he could sit around a go back over them all. If he bought new ones but didn't keep the older ones, I could sort of understand the "variety" theory. I buy books and only keep the ones I know are so good I will want to read them again later, but they are not offensive to others. So what is the reasoning for this? It's not as if he is in a competition with others to collect the most or anything like that!!!! Thanks in advance.
lady
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 18, 2007 6:20:40 GMT -5
It's been a while since I posted. Just felt that I couldn't face putting into words how I felt.
Not surprisingly, not much has happened cause he hasn't been over to see the kids much. Still way too buried with the work load. Yesterday I found out he will be working in the country next week so we won't be seeing him for a while. He did say during one phone call that I didn't seem to be getting anywhere with councelling cause I was still angry about the p. Well, he ain't really seen anger yet....wait til Monday when we go to our first session at couples councelling. Then maybe I can really voice how I'm feeling and the damage that has been done because of the p and the lies. I'm sort of looking forward to it, but am also concerned that he will be his usual charming self and blind the councellor. I know they are trained to see through all of that, it's just a matter of him sticking with this so she can really get to see him in action. Then, and only then will we really start to make progress. Hopefully I'll have plenty to post after our session. Good Luck to me.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 18, 2007 6:32:57 GMT -5
He did say during one phone call that I didn't seem to be getting anywhere with councelling cause I was still angry about the p. What total addict BS. tell my husband "For every year you visually cheated on me, I get a MINIMUM of two years to heal... and since you haven't proven you're porn sober, the clock hasn't started ticking yet -- so I have 18 years minimum until I have to be over the anger and angst." I hope you have a counselor trained in PA? I'm wish you best of luck and that you have a counselor that is a good fit and both of you respect him/her and can work together to get your marriage repaired. Looking forward to the update of how counseling went. LookingUp
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lady
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Post by lady on Aug 20, 2007 4:43:38 GMT -5
Thanks LU for your advice. I definately cannot see this issue being solved anytime soon. Like your time frame. I don't know if she does PA councelling specifically cause I had such a hard time finding ANYONE to take us, it got to the point I didn't really care. All booked out. I'm just happy to see someone. As I see it, they would see many different forms of "abuse" daily and PA is another form of spousal abuse.
Went to councelling today. I hated it. Hated him, hate everything he's done and I hated talking about me and my feelings to a stranger. This is what he has done to our relationship and I am paying, talking to a stranger who watched my every movement (I guess to read the body language). This is HIS fault. AT least he had the good grace to bring up the P so I didn't have to. But he kindof skimmed through it. And he even did what I KNEW he would do....although I didn't think he would do it so soon......he cried! The councellor asked how I felt about this and I said "seen it all before, means nothing". And I have seen it all before with our previous councellor. I think it's just a way of getting sympathy and kudos with the councellor. Yeah he was saying he loved me, thought I was a great mother and partner blah, blah and wanted to reconcile blah blah. I'm so angry with him and I can't get past it. I hate talking about me to someone I don't know, although I know it's a means to an end.
(expletive), I'm angry and I don't know how to stop it. Anger is good but in measured doses and I've been angry toooooooo long now. I wish I could blink and go back in time when we were good, but I can't, and it HURTS SO MUCH. I've let the children down, I've let me down, my family, it feels like everyone cause I made a wrong choice of partner. How could I let it get this far.
Definately NOT looking forward to the next session in 2 weeks.
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lady
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Post by lady on Aug 25, 2007 4:58:17 GMT -5
I must have brain fog or something like that. i just feel hazy in the head when it comes to thinking about him and our sort-of-life. Very peculiar.
My councelling on friday went well. She said that we will be spending the next few sessions on my hurt and anger cause the excercises I've done so far haven't worked. She really challenged me on how I thought.....it was good in that it made me turn my thinking around. Still a long way to go though. Really want to get rid of this anger.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 25, 2007 9:14:54 GMT -5
Sounds like a great counselor. Congratulations.
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