lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 22, 2007 23:44:20 GMT -5
Tests negative. Hugely relieved, am going to see if I can come off the antibiotics as the last few days have been yuck and have felt so nauseated.
I don't know what else to say now. I feel like I've come to a cross road. He is gone from our lives, now I work on healing.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 23, 2007 5:15:18 GMT -5
HOORAY!!!!! I am SO glad the tests were negative! YAY!!!!!!!!!
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 27, 2007 23:20:34 GMT -5
Yesterday and today i have been really sad and down which i suppose is natural. I've begun to get all anxious cause he is coming over this afternoon to see the children and i just don't want him here - anywhere near me.
I found out from my neighbours yesterday that he had borrowed 300 dollars from them a few years ago and hasn't payed it back. He borrowed it when i found out i was pregnant with the first child and he basically did a runner to this parents house in the coutnry as he didn't want me to go ahead with the pregnancy. He was only wworking part time so that is why he borrowed the money. My neightbours also purchase all the materials for him to fix their aircraft hangar and of course that hasn't been finished so they have spent all this money for nothing. I am sooooo embarrassed. He also offended some of the my neighbours guests at a birthday party with his swearing (which he maintains he will not stop doing, even for the children). I feel humiliated and hope people do not tar me with the same brush. I just can't seem to get away from all the negativity of having had him in my life. We're not together anymore and the bad vibe of him is still around.
I am at the point where i just want to pack up and leave to escape all this bad stuff that surrounds him. I want a clean start for the children.
I sometimes wish i hadn't worked so hard on "my dream" (white picket fence, happy family etc) as then i might have been able to see the MANY flaws he had (PA, SA, gambling, drinking, swearing, controlling etc). I feel guilty i was so focused on my needs and didn't see the crap he was causing around me.....to my friends and neighbours.
At this point I feel like i couldn't have got things more wrong if I tried. And as always, it's everyone elses fault, not his.
This is my cross to bear for now, it's hard and it hurts. I worry so for the wellbeing of the children and his bad influence on them. What a bloody idiot i've been. I don't even think the kids make up for my stupidity at this stage.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Nov 5, 2007 20:58:15 GMT -5
Even though we are over, I still feel such negativity in my life. Everything I do seems to be touched by this P problem. Going up to the shops, watching TV........whenever I see something that would be a trigger for him, I get angry and cry. Just keep crying.
I kinda feel like I shouldn't be on this board anymore because the PA has gone from our lives BUT the damage still remains with me. He has walked away scott free and will go about his sick life unfettered by any of this damage. But maybe for any of the PA's who read this, a little understanding of the damage it causes may help them understand why it is so important to heal. I couldn't save my relationship, I hope others can.
I feel so empty it's not funny. This shouldn't have happened and I still don't understand why he wouldn't make changes in his life so we could have a healthy future. I really didn't think it was that hard for him to give up the P, especially since he said it wasn't a problem!!! I struggle with the concept that I'm not good enough, I know I have to let that go as it was his problem not mine. But it isn't easy. This is the residual crap, I am dealing with, not him.
It's hard to move forward, I would like to get into another relationship but feel myself being overly cautious. Surely I can't get it sooooooo wrong again!!!!!
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 8, 2007 7:17:21 GMT -5
Lady: This is such a profound paragraph that I hope you won't mind me lingering over it a bit? You say you feel like you shouldn't be on this board because the PA has gone from your life. Of course, you'll have to figure out what YOU need (on this board, in life). I understand (a bit) feeling like one does not belong on the board because of life changes. I have similar feelings (though from a different angle: my husband has stepped into sobriety and recovery). I don't know if it will be helpful to hear or not...but as long as the board is doing YOU some good, as long as it's a place where you feel surrounded by folks who truly understand that your (now former) partner's addiction wrought profound changes in your life and that you have work of healing to do in your own life as a result...why, IMO, I think you should not hesitate to "stick around." I am glad you've come to a place of decision (to split), and I look forward to walking nearby as you move to a happier and healthier place in your own life. I look forward to hearing about YOU, and how you are growing and changing, feeling, dealing and healing. Just my feeling. I was also REALLY struck by your use of the phrase "scott free and unfettered by any damage". While it's true that he doesn't have to "deal" with the damage he caused you, dear one, I deeply disagree that he's walked away scott free and unfettered. I have, far more, the disturbing visual of a man with running sores and chains shuffling off, and--in his pride and addiction--crowing "Free at last! Free at last" while the vultures circle. When I think about the sort of life that is ahead of him, the STDs, the inability to have a relationship with true intimacy, with compassion, with love, the other women he will hurt and the chances of him running into someone who would rather see him dead or socially destroyed when she finds out the truth of who he is....when I think about these things, I don't see a man who's either scott free or unfettered as he moves into his future. You...however....YOU have a much brighter future now that the man in chains has shuffled out of your life. Again, just my thoughts. You write: "I couldn't save my relationship..." You know I'm sorry that HE didn't do everything in his power to break those chains and attend to the festering infection in his own life, don't you? I'm sorry he didn't choose to save himself. I hope you will come to some peace with what I view as the fact that there was absolutely NOTHING you could have done to save him when he was in love with his chains. There's *is* nothing one can do, when the person one is dealing with has fallen in love with being a slave, and profoundly distrusts, despises, reviles what healthier people know as freedom. NOTHING. That fundamental shift in emotional/spiritual state *has* to originate in the person who is chained; I believe, more and more, that they must come to yearn for freedom (even though they may not have an actual clue what it means, feels like or looks like). They must come to despise and reject their slavery; they must lose the fascination/obsession with the very thing that is killing them, and wounding any free person who tries to love them. I am very glad you are free of the agony of daily knowing you are partnered with someone in love with his slavery. I am glad YOU are free of this. My thoughts are with you, and I look forward to happier days for you. J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Nov 13, 2007 6:58:46 GMT -5
Oh Jinn, you are such a doll for your kind words and support. You know what, I am gunna stick around cause I DO feel supported by all you wonderful people and am in need of a safe place to come and work out "the rest of my life". Thank you.
The ex rang last night and told me that he'd had to have blood tests and an ultrasound (hmmmm, that sounds familiar) cause he has some "symptoms down there". Ooopps. Poor diddy widdy. I said to him that he has an STD and he said "I can't have". Well of course I ask why not. He said he hadn't slept with anyone else. WHAT? I got the impression he was accusing ME of having slept around. I tell you what, if I had been having sex with anyone else, I'd like to know 1. when I got the time and 2. if I enjoyed it. Anyway, he said to me he only said he'd slept with someone cause he knew I wouldn't believe him if he denied it. When he said he'd had this unprotected sex was straight after I'd come out of the doctors rooms and I was on my mobile to him to let him know my initial tests showed I "might" have an STD.
So my thoughts are that if he really hadn't been with anyone, why didn't he plead, beg or whatever to wait and see what the further results showed to prove his innocence. Why is he suddenly telling me this now, does he really think I will believe him. I'm almost 100% certain he only has a UTI as he's had them really badly in the past. Well at least he's worried about what he's got. Feels like a bit of justice. And anyway, we aren't together, what's the point of telling me. Does he want me to feel sorry for him? I'm gobsmacked. What an idiot.
He really must be a compulsive liar. Great role model for the children!!!! NOT.
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 13, 2007 14:52:54 GMT -5
Wow. What a strange phone call that must have been! Enough to make one doubt one's sanity, eh? (Hmmm. Bet that's not a first for your relationship.) I think you've got it pegged: either way, he lied to you. Sheesh. So tell me, what is going on in the "rest of your life"? Inquiring mind wants to know! Sending warm thoughts your way. J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Nov 13, 2007 23:27:38 GMT -5
OK. So I thought I would feel a sense of relief once the decision to call it quits was made....but Idon't. In fact, the mood swings are just the same, good one day, sad the next. I don't understand. Apart from the clear fact there is no P in my house, and that is a wonderful feeling, I don't feel that I am personally any better off that before. I've started to miss him like crazy despite the fact I know there is nothing I can do to save us....that can now only come from him. I don't understand that. I feel no inner peace and i thought i would. Maybe i expect too much too soon? I don't know. It's strange.
I feel a lot less tense and all that, but nothing else. I'm trying to get out more and see and have "adult time" but it's not always easy to achieve. I thought this recovery thing would be a whole hell of a lot easier once he was out of my face but it isn't so at this point. Am I missing something? I feel stuck and desperately need and want to move on. Finding time to do RN has been hard and i usually end up in tears when i do it (yes, I know that is a good thing), so will leave that for a while. How do I help myself and start to "smell the roses again". I really need to get my (expletive) together now.
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 14, 2007 7:11:19 GMT -5
Is this where I tell you I hope you'll be patient with yourself as you grieve the loss of the relationship? Probably so. I *do* hope you'll be patient with yourself. Perhaps it would help to try to understand the practical things that are going on in any given "good day", and be systematic about trying to include some of those practical elements in every day? What I'm saying is, "Where are you finding contentment or joy? What are you doing when you feel those things? How can you be deliberate about trying to "give" yourself situations where you are more likely to feel contentment or joy?"
I'm glad that some of the tension is lessening for you. I'm sending good and loving thoughts your way. I think the peace will come (be patient with yourself). J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Nov 17, 2007 18:38:01 GMT -5
Hmmm......what does make a good day "good"? Really don't think there is any one contributing factor. Just seems to be the way things pan out on the day. Went to my GP again on Friday and she said not to come off the St.Johns Wort cold-turkey which I had done. Was feeling good so thought I didn't need them any more.....bad move. That may have a lot to do with the way I have been. Now that I'm back on them,l I feel better able to cope.
A big influence on how my day goes is the behaviour of the kids and if they are bored or not. Some days they seem to be bouncing off the walls and I find those days hard to get things accomplished (like the washing, tidying, cooking etc) as they need more of my time and have to be monitored. DAys when they are happy to play quietly are a lot easier.
What does make me happy is reading in bed at night, gardening (without the kids who like to think they are helping but aren't), watching TV when they are asleep. I'm thinking to go away for a few days an mum has offered to have the little one so I can just take the oldest. He will love having time just with me and it will be good for me. Can't really afford to be going on holidays but I look at it as my christmas present to myself. And the place I'll go is where we used to go as a family - it's in a state forest. There is a stream and we sleep in cabins, lots of wildlife and no TV reception, mobile phone range or radio reception. Very peaceful.
Something else I have done in order to broaden my horizons is sign up on "Face-Book". Friend of mine said it would be a good way of contacting old friends and who knows who I'll find out there!! Another possibility is getting involved in "Parents without partners". Apparently that is a very strong network and professionally run...no sleazy stuff.
So, I should get points for trying to move forward!!
Who'd have thought so much damage could be done to a person via P? Certainly not me!!!!
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Nov 21, 2007 5:02:00 GMT -5
I feel like don't know anything today. He rang again regarding seeing the kids, won't come here cause "he can't stand the sight of me" and yet wants me to see the results of blood and urine tests to proove he didn't sleep with anyone else. In my mind it doesn't proove anything, just that he was lucky. Still denies he even did it. He just keeps lying on every level. Said that he never thought he had an STD (then why the tests?). Why did he tell me had symptoms on the 12th and then today said he didn't, just a day of "irritation".
I just find it so hard to go forward when he rings out of the blue and we argue. It sets me back.
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 21, 2007 7:04:12 GMT -5
Hi lady! I enjoyed reading your post about "what makes a good day" and also about your plans to take a trip with your eldest child. Sounds good!
You wrote: "I just find it so hard to go forward when he rings out of the blue and we argue. It sets me back." Do you need to set some boundaries re: how you'll allow your ex to have contact with you, if it sets you back mood-wise? I know that with my ex, his just "showing up" or "phoning whenever he felt like it" during our very slow breakup really set me back; I put a moratorium on his just showing up (which he HATED) and asked that he either call at a specific time or, at time went by, that he communicate only about necessary things and, if he went off-topic to the "business", I ended the call. I can only imagine how words like "I can't stand the sight of you" must have landed; I would have probably had to have ended the call at the point. Anyway, sorry to go off tangent, but the basic question remains: Do you need to set up some parameters re: how you'll allow him to communicate with you?
Sending you lots of positive thoughts, and hoping that the rest of your day goes well, and that tomorrow is brighter. J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Nov 26, 2007 5:29:03 GMT -5
Today was nice. Yesterday was nice. I felt a bit more of my old self emerging (although it could be the St.Johns Wort working its magic). The weather has been beautiful - around 23 - 24 degrees. Playgroup was cancelled today so I took the kids for a long walk in the reserve at the back of us. On the way back, I saw something crossing the path ahead of me and couldn't make it out. As we got closer, my son spotted what he thought was a possum....turned out to be an echidna. How good is that? We got about 3 feet away from it and my son was so excited, and he was so good when I told him to be quiet and just watch. When we got home, he wanted to ring his Grammy and tell her all about it. What a wonderful thing to see in suburbia. I have also seen micro bats, kingfishers, pelicans, falcons, possums and snakes in the reserve. Gives me hope that nature is looking after herself and all the new estates going up around here are not invading important habitats. Makes me feel good.
On a more serious note, I saw my councellor again last Friday. During the course of our talks I said to her that I felt I never really knew the ex. As we talked along that issue, it eventuated that I didn't really trust him from almost the beginning but overlooked all those feelings of "something's not right here" as I thought no-one could have that many problems. I didn't listen to myself, I didn't trust myself. I just wanted the happy family dream. I let myself down. And the more I think about it, the more I can see how wrong he really was. He rarely spoke about his past, has only 2 friends who he sees once or twice a year, I don't even know what school he went to. All the things that make up his past, I hardly know, but at least it all makes sense now. It must have been easier for him to say nothing than to get caught out lying AGAIN. Anyway, I think that's a great step forward for me. I will trust myself and I will listen to myself.
Yay Lady!!!!
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Post by Mayberry on Nov 26, 2007 16:54:48 GMT -5
YAY, indeed!!!! I enjoyed your reflections on your walk with your son...TOO COOL! And while it's hard to realize how one might've ignored the warning signs (I've had to wrestle with that one, so I feel for you), I am just so happy to read the closing line of your post.... I WILL trust myself and I WILL listen to myself. I believe that you will. Good for you! J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Dec 3, 2007 0:29:53 GMT -5
There's something going on....I can feel it. He saw the kids for 20 minutes on Saturday, 20 minutes yesterday and arranged to see them again today. He is here now. Guessing his "friends" (read drunks at the pub) have told him that if he wants to go legal, he has to show himself as being a good dad. Strange, because prior to these 3 visits, he hadn't seen them for 4 weeks, and he had had RDO's during that time. Wonder what's going on? ?
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