lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 25, 2007 20:41:26 GMT -5
He's coming over this afternoon to see the children and I find myself trying to look nice. Worrying about what to wear, how to do my hair. Guess I feel I still have to compete. That sucks. I have to turn those feelings around so that I am doing it for myself. I'd like to go out and do a bit of shopping so that gives me the excuse to get out of a track suit and wear something a bit more dressy. Of course, if I could live in pyjamas and slippers all the time, I would. Not very socially acceptable though!!!!!
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 26, 2007 4:53:53 GMT -5
Of course, if I could live in pyjamas and slippers all the time, I would. Not very socially acceptable though!!!!! That's what I LOVE about retirement. I often just wear flannel nightgown in winter and cotton muu-muu in summer! My husband doesn't care... says I look comfortable.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 26, 2007 5:28:59 GMT -5
Hey LU. Sounds like retirement has its benefits!!!!!
This afternoon didn't go really well. I was trying to take on board what my councellor has said and didn't make sarcastic comments about him. I found that it was easier to not really talk and of course he tried to find out what was wrong. "Nothing, I'm OK" etc etc. He took that as I DIDNT WANT TO TALK. I ended up cyring at the shops, crying when we got home. I just didn't know what to say to him. I wanted him to hold me and say we would be OK, but it didn't happen. I just couldn't talk for fear of saying the wrong thing. I wanted today to be nice, for me and the kids. I just don't seem to be able to get anything right. I'm trying.......
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 26, 2007 5:42:51 GMT -5
lady, Could you read him that post? It sounds like you know what you want - but not how to tell him your needs.... What if you'd just print that paragraph and give it to him if you can't find the words to tell him?
Just a thought.
LookingUp
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 27, 2007 4:31:03 GMT -5
Thanks LU. I like your input. He doesn't know I post here and felt threatened months ago when I told him I had found this site and that it may be beneficial for both of us. He didn't want any part of it and said I was using the computer against him (which I'd only just brought). I really want to send him an SMS and let him know I'm thinking of him, but after yesterday, he'll probably think I'm playing games (his usual response) or that I'm a nutter!!!
I get really frustrated swinging between sadness and emotional strength. I can't keep up with my moods, how should anyone else? This is so annoying. One day up, the next day down.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 29, 2007 5:25:36 GMT -5
Well he was supposed to visit today. Rang this morning, asked if he could give it a miss as he has been working 2 hours away and staying with his parents who live nearby. It would be an additional 4 hours drive so I said OK. I can understand that and want to be reasonable. Then he asked if he could pay his child support on Sunday (his next day for visiting) instead of friday. As he is working on saturday (his choice, doesn't have to) it again means a 4 hour round trip to drop the money off to me. Again, what can I say, I can see his point BUT we are never going to get our act together if we don't spend time with each other.
Will ask our councellor on monday if this is a fair arrangement now as I did try to tell her it won't work. Maybe direct debit for the child support. It also looks like he will be working in the country for a good few months so this has to be worked to both our benefits.
AAAHHHHHH.......big sigh!!!!!!
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 29, 2007 6:05:59 GMT -5
That direct debit for the child support sounds good, lady. (Hope you don't mind my jumping in.) It might eliminate any games-playing with paying the child support (don't know if he's a risk for that, but it's a problem for many people) and it certainly takes the issue out of his control. Since so much else *seems* (as I read it) in his control, that might bring you a great measure of relief??? Just a thought.
I'm wishing you well, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds very frustrating. Is there anything good going on for you right now that you can share? I chuckled when you wrote: "I get really frustrated swinging between sadness and emotional strength. I can't keep up with my moods, how should anyone else? This is so annoying. One day up, the next day down." Yep. I know THAT place! But it also prompts me to ask about the "anything good", because I'm personally interested in where you are finding your points of emotional strength right now (mainly so I can borrow your good ideas, but also because I care!).
I hope the rest of the day goes well for you (or is that the rest of the night...for you?). J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Aug 29, 2007 7:12:35 GMT -5
Hi Jinn,
Always happy for someone to jump in and add their thoughts. It's a lovely warm/comforting feeling knowing you and all the others are out there fighting the same battle as me, that alone has given me some strength cause I don't feel like its my fault anymore. Reading all the posts, PA's and SO's, I can see so many working hard individually and together to get through this. Before I found this sight, I really believed I wasn't good enough and that was why he turned to the P. Now I see it otherwise.
I also have a really good councellor who is dealing whith the hurt, anger and feelings of worthlessness that this addiction brings on with the partners. Last session we worked on anger and how to stop blaming myself. Basically, I have to start re-building my self-esteem by stopping negative thoughts (easier said than done) and seeing his addiciton as a sickness and "his problem, not mine". Every time I have a negative thought, I have to flick the rubber band on my wrist (put there for this reason) to stop myselft. In general she is trying to get me to "rise above" his (expletive) and get "me" back. Mind you, it's taken 4 years for his PA to erode my well-being, it ain't gunna be fixed anytime soon. She is a great councellor and I feel that we are making positive in-roads to getting me together again.
I have also come to realise that my heart wants this to work, but my head is almost certain it won't. Couples councelling is the last step for me, if it doesn't work, then I walk. HOWEVER, having said that, I am extremely concerned about his access to the kids if we cannot get back together. There is a constant voice at the back of my head that the kids aren't safe with him. Others tell me he would never do anything to hurt them, but my gut has been right in the past so I will listen to it now.
I think another source of strength for me, that we are ACTIVELY working on fixing our relationship, it remains to be seen how he reacts when I really address the PA with our councellor. THAT'S when I'll know if we have a future, he will either deny it is a big issue or admit the damage it has done. I guess doing something pro-active makes me feel good, much better that just copping it on the chin and trying to get on.
And here's something no-one should forget as a source of support and strength.....friends and family. Through all of this, mine have been fantastic. I've lost count the number of times I've cried on the the phone to my mum, sister or girlfriend when I've found yet another stash of P. So when my resources were down, they really helped pick me up.......they really help me stay strong and focused.
Jinn, you asked if there is anything good going on in my life. Well, yes, I'm taking the kids up to see my sister in Canberra. She hasn't met my daughter yet who is almost 15 months. My son who is 3 will be beside himself with excitement when we get on the airplane - it should be a great time. I'm also looking forward to seeing my Dad at the end of September - he lives in Queensland and I haven't seen him for 5 months. So yeah, there are good times on the horizon.
And Jinn, thanks for caring!!! Hope you have a great day....I'll be off to bed soon.
lady
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 29, 2007 7:36:46 GMT -5
Lady, I am so very sorry for the difficult time you are going through. I wanted to make a post just to tell you that I SOOOOOOOOO relate to the anger you are experiencing. I'm glad you are trying to work on it because I know all too well how it effects US more than anyone else... it's poison in us... a reaction to the pain that has been caused in our lives, imo, but all it does is cause us more pain (in the amount and lengthy time frames you have explained and I know I feel as well). It's almost like getting stuck in the anger part of the greiving process, rarely feeling the other grief stages in comparison. That's me anyway. So thank you for speaking of the 'Anger letter' I'm going to try that. And good for you keeping up on the councelling and trying to resolve this for you and your children. I'm sorry about your H not doing all that is needed for you to feel he is totally in this. I too have that feeling with partner who is currently staying with parents (for a few days now only - but not the first time) that he doesn't show what he says... how 'important' we are to him. I can't have him in the home right now to 'start over' (if i'll be able to in the future I don't know). He says all the right things but when it comes to actions... (making a phone call perhaps - although he has a good 'excuse' for everything - fear of anger/confrontation for that one), he falls so very short (for the actions that matter anyway - the ones that make a difference for real). He at one point said he 'didn't want to think about this right now' after I just poured my heart into a few lengthy emails , that he wanted to relax (was at work and then went out for a few hour walk - related to work although really it ='s bird watching) and although he said he was going to have a 'proposal' to me regarding his lieing/hesitence to be vulnerable yesterday (same day as leisurely walk) I got nothing except more promising words... 'sorry' being his favourite inaction word of all times I think Anyway, sorry for hijacking your journal... I just wanted to share my similar experiences with you. We also have a young child together... almost 2... I think it does effect them way more than we know unfortunately I really hope some good action ability takes them both by the horns... these words are getting wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to old Best wishes, Amie
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Post by nowheretobefound on Aug 29, 2007 7:40:54 GMT -5
Awesome about the good things coming up in the near future for you!! And a good idea by counsellor about the elastic band to flick away those negative thoughts. Might try that here as well.
Morning here... lol. Have a good night there though : )
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Sept 3, 2007 5:29:56 GMT -5
OK, so today we had our second session of couples councelling. Not happy.........!!!!
The councellor basically gave him the OK to go to the pub when ever he wants because "it's good to de-stress before coming home and dealing with the kids". What dealing.....I do it all!!! She didn't stipulate maybe one or two times a week for an hour. Oh no. Now he will take that as free run to go when ever he wants. If I look at him the wrong way........"Irene said it's good for me to de-stress and you are stressing me". I can just see it now.........and of to the pub he will go. Unfortunately, this PA will take a mile if you give him an inch. So I said, "stress is working 1100 days STRAIGHT, NO sleep-ins, NO week-ends and on-call 24/7. THAT is stress. So she said waht do you do to de-stress? My reply......."lock the children IN the house while I sit outside for 1 HOUR and have a wine or 2 and a few ciggies, maybe a phone call or 2. Sometimes I even go in the garage to get away from the children". She asked why I lock them in the house. I had to explain that as they are young they want to be with me most of the time or at least be near me. Her answer............"why don't you put a video or the tv on for them? My reply, "I do, but young children have a very limited attention span". So about now, I'm getting the impresssion she has no children (and apparently I have no idea about parenting cause she has to tell ME how to amuse them while I have down time). Not impressed.
I bought up my feelings of inadequacy and many other things and she admitted I have a lot on my plate. She then asked if she could speak to my individual councellor to get more insight and I said that would be fine. I think she will get a much better idea of my issues then.
My individual councellor asked me on Friday what I was going to discuss at couples, I said I'll see what direction she takes and go from there. My councellor said no, you must bring up the P. This is your biggest issue, your biggest concern and you have worries about the safety of the children. I told her I'm too scared to bring up the safety issue cause he will just storm out and that will be the end. I also don't believe the couples women is capable of dealing with such a loaded issue at this point until she knows us better. I really need her to see PA for what he is, then I think we will have more success. I'm also not emotionally ready to move away in order to protect the children. I have so many good friends here, I'm finding it hard to let go. But let go I will if he doesn't see his problem.
Jeez, I'm sick of this. There is such a great guy underneath it all.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Sept 6, 2007 7:51:01 GMT -5
He came to see the children last night, stayed for all of 1 hour and 10 minutes. Said he was tired and to go home to have tea and go to bed. Found out from my neighbour he didn't get home til after nine (he left here at 6.40). Yes, he went to the pub cause he saw there were people at his place (my neighbour) and he didn't want to go in.
I asked him about this and he said he saw the car when he got home and went to the pub instead. Told him he should have come back here. Worst part is our son is sick (and he saw how badly - a temperature of 39.2 isn't good!!). I would have thought he would want to spend more time here if he could.
Guess I got it wrong AGAIN.
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 10, 2007 6:07:14 GMT -5
How is it going for you today? I've been following your journal...and sending lots of supportive thought your way.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Sept 17, 2007 6:11:31 GMT -5
Well, I'm back from my visit to my sister in Canberra. It was really good to see her and my nephew again. Had a good time but found it all a bit stressful, she has a lovely house with lots of ornaments etc and of course my 2 thought that was Christmas, touching everything. The baby got diarrhea (might have been the water) and wouldn't settle at night which is most unlike her so didn't really get a lot of relaxing time. The 3 year old was into EVERYTHING. Then when we got back, we came down with colds which are still raging. I'm beginning to think it's not worth the effort of going away. Anyway, I wanted to go and see their new house.....it's lovely, shame it wasn't warmer cause we could have christened the swimming pool!!!
Now back to reality. We went to couples councelling again today. Another waste of time. I just really go blank when I'm in the same room as him. Cut a long story short....she identified that his way of talking is very aggressive and not conducive to good communication so that's a start.. In the end, she was running over time and I had to get going so the babysitter could leave (was also bursting to go to the toilet), he was rabbiting on about something and said I was trying to be a martyr. Well, that was it, I stood up and walked out. She rang me about half an hour after I got home and said that he'd made another appointment for us to see her (this after he said twice in the session that "we are all over and there is no point in being here!!!!). Well, we got to talking and I really opened up....way more than I do in the sessions. She has said she would like to see me for a one on one as she had no idea about how much damage the P had done. At first I was reluctant but have agreed as she explained that she can guide the session to be about the P and hopefully really get some dialogue going if she has my side of the story.
As I've said earlier, this is my last chance. If he can't or won't talke about the P and admit he has a problem.....we are OUT of here. That's all I can do, I have to make sure the children are safe....I feel like I have no other choice. It's not about seeing him belittled or anything like that, it's about him healing. I hope he's man enough to come to the party. I still care about him and what is happening to him and know that he is a good person, it's just this stupid persona he puts on.
So that's about it for now. Not a lot has changed. Slowly, slowly as always. Hey and thanks Mayberry for thinking of me, really appreciated.
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Post by Mayberry on Sept 17, 2007 6:17:35 GMT -5
You're very welcome, Lady. It sounds to me like there was a real breakthrough, actually, with the therapist. I can understand your reluctance; I also hope a one-on-one will be a safe enough space for you to share the damage your H's addiction has done and that the therapist would be able to guide a future session without you being shut down by your H's "communication patterns." I'm sorry he's shutting you up and shutting you down. That's so hard to deal with. I'm glad she called him on it. Hang in there and I hope you all get over your colds quickly. J
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