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Post by Mayberry on Sept 28, 2007 21:45:41 GMT -5
How are you doing, lady??? I haven't seen you 'round for a while, and I'm thinking of you. J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 10, 2007 3:47:19 GMT -5
Jeez, I can't believe it's been so long since I posted, time really does get away with me.
Have been steadily going to councelling and thinking things were starting to show promise, I could see real hope that he was making an effort, and then yesterday happened. So it's OVER, there will be NO reconciliation. The basics are.......
I had to have a pelvic ultrasound a few weeks ago just to check on a few things, got the results yesterday. There's a chance I have a sexually transmitted disease which could only have come from him. It may also be a few other things which I have to have tests to check on. Anyway, doctor asked me if there was a chance he had had unprotected sex. Of course the answert to that was yes. So I asked him outright and he said no. I kept going and explained what the results of the ultrasound were. He then said he should go and get tested and that's when I knew he'd cheated.
He says he hasn't cheated 'cause we are seperated and he can do "whatever the f*&k I want". I think it's cheating 'cause as far as I am concerned, we were still together just taking time away to work on a few things.
He ended up admitting he had sex with someone (which I kind of expected) and that the condom broke and he was drunk (like that's an excuse!!!!!). He said it only happened once, but I don't believe that (and I have been right almost everytime in the past). I also don't believe he used a condom as he HATES them. I'm really not fussed about the cheating it's the fact he lied REPEATEDLY when asked a direct question AND the fact he has jeopardised my health. AND he has shown no remorse or contrition AT ALL. In fact he even laughed at me several times when I told him what I thought of what has happened. Some guy??
He has shown no responsibility for his actions in any of this so how can I expect him to be a responsible parent??? I can't. So now I start making plans for the future and the safety and security of the children.
I'm not pissy about this, I guess in a way my theory proved correct. I gave him enough rope and he hung himself. I am so, so disappointed, with him and a degree with myself for being such a fool. I am sad, and I do miss him. We could have had a wonderful life together, but I will not be lied to anymore. This is such a waste of what could have been a great man. Such a waste it hurts. What a damn, bloody shame this is. I'm crying because I would have been there for him and gone through this with him, but he just kept lying to me. WHY??
Oh well, that's it for now. Got to get the kids off to bed. Will try and post more when it happens. And thanks again Jinn.
lady
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 10, 2007 5:10:14 GMT -5
While I'm glad to see you, I'm sorry for this news in your life. (I can relate, very much so, and I'm really, really sorry.) It sounds like you've gotten some clarity that you needed to move forward with certainty without him? I continue to hold you in thought. J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 10, 2007 18:09:02 GMT -5
Today I am angry. That's all I can think. I am angry at the lies. I don't know what else to think. I'm just plain angry at the stupidity of this. As I see it, his d%$k has won in this relationship and it seems it was only ever him and his penis. I was just the "spare wheel".
Have focused the anger into cleaning so at least tthe house will look good.
lady
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 12, 2007 0:53:03 GMT -5
I rang his ex-wife last night and had a 3 hour discussion with her. Very interesting. It seems their relationship had some of the same issues as ours. They broke up because he had a gambling habit which has continued on and off with me. She also believed him to be an alcoholic which is something I also thought. He was responsible with the P when they were together and only had a small amount in the house which she knew about. Turns out she found much more when he left.
He hasn't seen his daughter for 3 years now and she no longer wants his surname and wants the new husbands surname.
What stood out most was the amount of lies he has told and the amount of money he has lost from the settlement of 2 divorces. I know now it was spent on gambling and P. I guess the only reason to lie is when you know you are doing the wrong thing and he abviously does. Nothing I can do about it now.
I cannot believe how sad I feel for him (and for the children and I). I thought I'd really worked through a lot of this but I guess now things are final and the dust is left to settle I can really start to grieve the end of us. Wow, this is one of the saddest (and most PREVENTABLE) things I've been through.
lady
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 12, 2007 5:39:55 GMT -5
I'm grieving with you ((((((Lady))))))).
It sounds like the conversation with his ex-wife was helpful to you? Was it validating? Restorative? Illuminating? I don't know about you, but sometimes it is very helpful to me (in moving on, especially) to know that it's "not just me." Sure, I may know that intellectually, but conversations like the one you had (or my imagining of that conversation)...those "sorts" of conversations have often helped me feel much healthier and more "on track" that I'm making the right decisions to move along.
Holding you in loving thought...J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 13, 2007 1:01:26 GMT -5
Hi Jinn,
yeah, the conversation did validate my thoughts and feelings and helped confirm that I was on track.
I didn't however make me feel that I've done the right thing which is what I hoped for. I still feel that I should have moved through this for the sake of the kids. Yes, it majorly hurts but it could have been worse. I sooooooo wanted this to make the decision less painful. Bugger it, I'm still really teary and emotional.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 13, 2007 5:09:45 GMT -5
Lady--I can't remember how many times in my first marriage I was (literally) begging for the skies to open up and a big sign to appear over his head (with an arrow pointing straight at the top of his head). I think that sign would've said, "Jinn, you've done all you can now for this person. It's okay to go. You didn't fail him. He would not try to save himself."
Unfortunately, the sign never appeared.
I set internal deadlines: "If things haven't changed after 7 years." I changed deadlines: "If things haven't changed after 14 years."
I was still enmeshed.
I took small steps toward being through. Lived apart. Bought my own house.
I was still enmeshed.
What I wanted, as I recall, more than ANYTHING was for *HIM* to tell me it was over and to take steps to divorce me. I knew the marriage was doomed, but I also knew I was not the cause of its doom. I wanted him to exercise *just that degree of responsibility*--I wanted him to divorce me, to admit that he had failed the marriage, to initiate the divorce. For me (and I know I'm strange), until he took that step, there would, I felt, always be hope....
When he finally did take that step, I remember I had to deal with a sudden surge of compassion and hope--he *did* realize he had failed, and if he realized that (my faulty thinking went) surely he could also move toward change. There was a period of a few weeks when suddenly we were talking and trying to "work things out."
I was still enmeshed.
And then the dangerous behavior surfaced, ugly as ever, and I said, "I'm sorry. You're right. You do go ahead and file those papers. And not only that, you don't need my help filing those papers. You need to get yourself an attorney."
And he did, and the papers were filed, and a confusing walk of many years was brought to a close.
There have still been times when I wondered what more I could have done. The "thinking" part of me says, "Hah! Nothing!" and the emotional part of me grieves the failure: his failure, my failure, *our* failure.
I wish there was some way to make your journey (anyone's journey) less painful. I can offer you the comfort (maybe?): I truly have the sense that you have done all in your power to make things work, and I truly believe there are less painful times (heck: I believe there are JOYFUL times) coming for you.
Sorry for the long hijack (if that's what it was), and know that my thoughts are with you. J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 15, 2007 5:32:01 GMT -5
Yes, I agree with you Jinn. I would like to see him take responsibility for at least SOME of this breakdown. If he showed at least a little remorse, it would show he had a inkling that he had done wrong by me and there would be hope. But he doesn't and this is all a repeat of his previous marriage. I also wonder if there is a part of me that is "mothering" him. Let's face it, when the children do wrong or hurt someone, you explain it to them and hope they don't do it again. You hope they learn from it and are better people. Maybe that's why I haven't found the "relief" I was hoping for when the final decision was made. I would never give up on my children but I have given up on him (yes he is an adult, I know).
I really don't understand why I keep feeling like this. Surely I should be happy that it's over and I can move on (as he obviously has done). Why do I feel such loss and emptiness. HHmmm, strange. It has been over (emotionally) for a long time so I would have thought that I was more prepared for this than I have been. And we were only together 4 years. And I enjoy being by myself so for me to feel empty is bizarre.
Not looking forward to Wednesday. HAve to have swabs and blood tests to see if he has given me any STD's. Interesting he hasn't done anything about it cause he just says he has no symptoms. Don't suppose he's ever heard that someone can be a carrier and not get symptoms. Don;t suppose he's heard that some STD's can take years to manifest, so looks like he's going to merrrily go along and not care about possibly passing anything on. Guess that's a real indication of the person.
Once again, I sigh deeply. This sucks!!!!!
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 16, 2007 6:15:09 GMT -5
I hope that testing goes well. I went through that recently, and my heart goes out to you. Good for you for taking the steps to know the truth about your own physical health! I will send prayers that you find there's NOTHING wrong with your health. J
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 16, 2007 6:29:02 GMT -5
I know this might sound kind of sick or strange but in some small way I want the test to come back positive (only if it's treatable with antibiotics though). I don't know why that is. Will I feel more at ease with my decision to end it? Will I feel vindicated? Will I feel like a victim? Will it prove to me once and for all what a low life he is? I don't know. Can I run around telling everyone he gave me something and get sympathy? I think maybe it will give me something "solid" to really get angry over and therefore hopefully get the grieving really going.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 16, 2007 6:37:09 GMT -5
I understand that. I really do. I could see how the "positive test" might have given me the "get up and go" to get angry as all hell. That said, I want your tests to come back negative--just for your physical health. I really really do. There are other (and far less injurious to your whole health) ways, my friend, of feeling the (righteous and worthy) anger that it sounds like you need to feel right and good about your choice to end this with him. That said, I appreciate and honor your bravery in exploring some of the things you ARE feeling right now...and I understand. I really do.
How are the children doing in all of this? J
Edited to add: I was rereading about *his* lack of testing. One of the "fun" things I learned during the process of my own testing is that males cannot be accurately tested for one of the most common STDs (HPV), but females can during a cervical swab. Just a little "nugget" of info that I think every woman should know. I sure didn't know it.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 18, 2007 0:38:25 GMT -5
These tablets are making me feel so sick it's not funny. And once again HE doesn't know about it and walks away completely free of any emotions of feelings for my situation. I really don't want to take them, it's hard to function....don't want to eat and feel like throwing up all day.
Tests done yesterday and will have results early next week. HAve the feeling all will be OK but these tablets have to be taken for 14 days as the doctor said swabs are not always 100%. Lucky me.
Am I bitter about this. Oh hell yeah. I trusted him implicitly, the truth was so important to us working out our problems and being "together" again. And he just lied, lied, lied and now look what I'm going through.
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Post by Mayberry on Oct 18, 2007 6:31:11 GMT -5
Yep. The truth IS so important, isn't it? I don't know about you, but my own experience with STD testing brought that point home like never before.
I am so sorry you're going through this, both physically and emotionally. Be good to yourself, please. My thoughts are with you.
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lady
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by lady on Oct 21, 2007 6:24:02 GMT -5
Only 48 hours til I get results. Feeling heaps better now with the tablets as I've got the routine down pat. Thank goodness for that.
Struggling with the whole lying issue. Can't understand that one. He was supposed to love me. Why lie? It's as simple as that for me. His loss.
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