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Post by libby on Aug 7, 2007 8:21:55 GMT -5
I had an early visitor this morning, My SIL (DH's sister)came by to have breakfast and an interesting conversation. She wanted to know why I'm making such a big deal out of this whole situation. She doesn't understand why a man shouldn't be allowed to do as he pleases in his own house. I shouldn't be making him look bad to his family because he's a good provider and he comes home every night. She had quite a bit more to say but those were her main points. She seemed rather smug about it too.
I asked her how many times DH left her crying in bed while he did those things- her answer was a very obvious none.
I asked her how many times DH screamed at her for interrupting his Internet time- her answer was a very obvious none.
I asked her how many times she craved DH's physical attention and love and been turned away- her answer was a very obvious none.
I asked her how many times DH refused to do anything with her and our children because he wanted to be home alone- her answer was again a very obvious none.
I told her, it's very easy to tell me it's his right and no big deal when none of the problems were having effect her, I told her it was ignorant of her to come into my home spouting her belief's about a problem she knows nothing about and hasn't been effected by. When DH storms around her house, calling her vile names and acting like he's lost his freaking mind then we'll talk about how acceptable it is and how it's DH's right.
I'm trying to remember that DH and his sister are close, she loves him very much and was trying to do what she thought was right to help him. But it annoyed me to have her sit here talking about this like the problem was to much fishing or some harmless pass time. She never even bothered to look up any information on it. I guess I should have expected this from her.
Well onward and upward-------------------------------- We are having a lazy day today, nothing planned and no intention on making any. I found my sewing machine and it seems to be working so I will be going to the fabric store for a pattern or two and supplies. I'm going to start on some thing simple, maybe a skirt or a sun dress for DD to get back into practice. DD wants to work on her scrap book for this summer. We went on a tour of light houses this year- she has a lot of pictures and souvenirs. DS got a new model car yesterday so that's his goal for the day.
Despite the way it started it's going to be a great day.
Libby
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 7, 2007 9:12:15 GMT -5
Libby,
I love your journal, it fills me with such joy to read bits of it; your kids chasing spiders, you sat on the porch sipping coffee listening to the rain, making dresses. You have a beautiful appreciation of the world that I can't imagine you aren't handing down to those two kids.
What a gift!
I'm glad camping appeared to go well for your husband and I was very impressed with how clearly and strongly you expressed to your SIL what is such a hard thing to vocalise. From my perspective, whilst my problem might at first have been something that only those closest to me suffered at the hands of (my girlfriend) I can't believe the effect of my behavior wasn't further reaching than that ultimatetly. It changed me, made me much less capable socially and I'm sure if I could tell my sister now, she would recognise the period when I was sickest as a time that relating to me became truly difficult.
Good work, saying that can't have been easy, saying it so well, well that's a gift.
Have a nice day. Thanks for writing.
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 7, 2007 13:03:18 GMT -5
Great job in handling the SIL. I've always heard that ignorance is bliss. I hope she doesn't "learn" about PA the hard way. I hope you have a great day with the kids  |
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 7, 2007 15:01:54 GMT -5
I have been stewing over your journal entry since earlier today, Libby, and wanted to add my congratulations to what appears to have been a most admirable handling of a most intrusive "helpful" relative. Yes, IGNORANT is the most appropriate word, isn't it! I remain troubled by her seeking you out when she knew it would be "safe" to practice her little "intervention" with you--that you would not be protected by your family, that your husband was not there, etc. Grrrr. Shades of cowardice, IMHO. I remain troubled by her smugness. She came to "set you straight." Grrr. I hope your day has gone well from this rotten starting point. All blessings your way today, and every day. |
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Post by libby on Aug 7, 2007 16:52:07 GMT -5
SIL is a bottom feeder- she wasn't apart of the "drama" in the family so wanted to insert herself into it. She has always enjoyed the upheaval and creates it when life is just to dull for herself. This is why we do not get along- I like my life to be boring and predictable- I like my home to be quiet and dull. She hates it when any attention is directed toward anyone other than herself. She claims I am only seeking attention and I really don't have a problem with porn, blah blah blah. She grates my nerves. Now she will spend the next few days telling anyone who will listen that she was "thrown out of my house, I was rude when she was only trying to help and that I am trying to kill her brother". She has her drama and I won't have to deal with her for a while.
She chose this time because there were no witnesses to what was said to whom so she can spin her tale how ever she sees fit. In short= she is a bottom feeder.
*shrug*
My day has been lovely with the kids. No other visitors, just the 3 of us. I'm thinking about taking them to the drive inn tonight to see Ratatoie (sw). It may rain (oops, modified to change raid to rain, lol) again so maybe not- I'm keeping an eye on the weather.
Thank You once again for offering kind words, support and Blessings. They are much appreciated and needed.
Libby
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Post by libby on Aug 8, 2007 8:04:01 GMT -5
Due to some of the feed back I have gotten I think I need to explain the situation a little clearer.
DH has not been talking to his sister or anyone else about this- before I told BOTH of our family's. I outed my husband. Wrong or Right, Agree or Disagree, I told EVERYONE. Why- simple- I've read a lot about comfort zones,triggering, living a lie and PA'a having lack of support and/or understanding. I've also read about gas lighting, minimizing and lack of full disclosure and how deadly that can be to a marriage and family.
I ripped DH's comfort zone out from under him- now he has to find another. His family knows all about it so he can talk to them if he finds himself craving while he's with a brother, his father, my father, my brothers or anyone else for that matter. He won't have to worry about embarrassing me by telling our business. I've already done that. He forced me out of my comfort zone so I have to guilt for doing this- maybe one day he'll thank me. Now DH doesn't have to live in shame- he can live in encouragement and in the open.
I have to believe, despite family squabbles and arguments, a family has the desire to see it's members happy, healthy and productive. I have changed how I look at Porn Addiction. I'm dealing with it the same way I would cancer or any other major illness. I'm reaching out for family support and help. Getting all the facts, making sure everyone knows those facts and making sure everyone knows that if they are not on board to help than get the hell out of my way. My marriage has cancer and getting it treatment is the goal.
No, I may not be the best sister in law but I am doing everything I can to support my husband, even if that means kicking him in the ass to get his head back on his shoulders and out of his pants. But DH is not the reason his sister wanted to talk- she does not care one way or the other about DH's problem- she has been very busy trying to tell everyone about how I made her cry, I threw her out of my house- I was rude- I called her names (I didn't call her names- I told her she was ignorant to the situation)- she is very happy right now playing the victim even though no one is buying it.
__________________________________________Dh comes home today, I'm a little nervous and wish he was able to stay out with our Dad's for a few more days but DH has to return to work tomorrow. This evening were having a family barbecue, after dinner and the kids are out on a scavenger hunt we'll be talking about DH's recovery, some things he can do to help himself and to show DH he has the support of everyone. I still haven't found a therapist that specializes in porn addiction but we're hopeful.
Hope everyone has a blessed and lovely day.
Libby
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 8, 2007 8:23:56 GMT -5
I am posting this link that another member shared on this issue of finding a therapist: sash.net/component/option,com_mtree/Itemid,55/ (you will have to copy and paste this link into a browser, as the comma in it messes up the "one click" function here). Amen. I couldn't agree with you more. This is EXACTLY how I am viewing our journey. It is tempting to explore "how did this illness get going", and I think the time will come for that in the process of recovery, but in my relationship, I believe we're in the "holy granola, there's a disease. Let's treat it!" phase. While one may quit smoking after finding lung cancer (and should), one must also attend, immediately, to treating the cancer and getting help and supporting both the sufferer and the caregivers. Frankly, your SIL is a drama queen. I was reminded of my neighbor's brother, who was too busy drinking and too vulnerable to "deal" with the fact that his sister's husband (my neighbor's husband) was dying. I was reminded of my neighbor's sister-in-law, who managed to make her brother's funeral "all about her." For every situation, it seems there is gonna be "one of those people" who is so emotionally lacking that he or she must TRY to make it "all about them." I have practiced a look of incredulity that I try to use when faced with such situations: a look that communicates "are you out of your mind", involving raised eyebrows and a slight down-turning of the mouth. I use this look right before I physically turn away from the person and raise a different topic (if others are around) or say, as I start some other task (if no one else is around) "This is not a good time for me to talk. Please give me a call if you'd like to get together with me and (my husband)." This sounds good and healthy to me. Good luck with that, and I hope you find some stillness, focus and peace to banish the natural nervousness/anxiety his approaching return stirs in you. All good blessings to you today, and every day. And thank you for sharing your journey. What I've read here encourages me in my walk and my decision making processes. |
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Post by libby on Aug 8, 2007 9:21:24 GMT -5
LOL- I usually just nod and smile a lot, not a pleasant smile but one of those you reserve for someone who is just incredibly stupid. You are very correct in my SIL being a drama queen, normally I just let her ramble on, work up the tears, I nod and then walk away. I believe she was very shocked when I didn't take her advise but rather pointed out her ignorance and told her not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. Rude- most certainly but then her intentions were rude and callous.
Thank You for the link- I will share it with DH this evening.
I'm trying very hard not to focus on How- for right now I am thinking of it like your smoking analogies. He started because he didn't realize it was habit forming- just something to do with the guys (I know now he started with strip clubs). It may be naive but I don't want to waste energy on that right now.
Thank You. Libby
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Post by libby on Aug 9, 2007 10:27:13 GMT -5
DH came home yesterday afternoon. He brought me flowers and a heartfelt promise. I liked the flowers but loved the promise.
The camping was a good move for DH. He spent the time fishing, splitting wood, hiking, talking with our Dads, and reflecting on his own behavior. He said he knew it was a problem for me but never thought I would seriously divorce him over it. The thought of loosing me (nice ego boost) was devastating and knowing he would only be able to see the kids w/visitation is a nightmare.
When he arrived home he had a load of lumber and other building supplies and this is part of his promise. DH has chosen his replacement therapy. He's building me a gazebo (I've always wanted one). When thoughts of wondering occur he will be working with his hands something for his wife. He thinks, and I agree, that having something to show for his struggles and recovery will be a reminder to him. A physical touch stone, like my smoke free afghan is for me.
He's a little upset about the TV's being gone but agreed that the time wasted on watching could be better used. He likes that our family room is now a game room but isn't to sure about the new arrangement of our bedroom (the bed now faces the windows so sunrise will be eye opening, lol) He does like the new sitting area I put in there and agrees that it's a nice spot for us to talk without distraction.
DH also asked if I would agree to evening walks with him. I of course did. So the winds of change are definitely blowing threw our lives. My Father said just like the seasons change so too can people. He also suggested I upgrade our first aide kit because DH is not the handy man so the gazebo will probably be stained with blood. It's the thought that counts. LOL
Libby
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Post by unbreakable on Aug 9, 2007 10:57:26 GMT -5
Wow, that so wonderful.
I hope it goes well Libby. I think you sound like you have a wonderful family and I think they will endure.
Best wishes
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 9, 2007 13:03:27 GMT -5
Letting the sun shine in. A place to sit and talk. Evening walks. A (blood-stained) gazebo. A family "in the know" and united (well, except for Ms. Drama Queen SIL! ) People can, and do, change and choose to change. Not all people, not every person, but it is one of the most uniquely human characteristics, in my mind: at any given point, we have the choice to completely reinvent ourselves. Here's hoping the reinvention is genuine, true, lasting, honest, positive. |
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timetochange
Full Member
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)
Posts: 108
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Post by timetochange on Aug 9, 2007 20:47:54 GMT -5
Hi Libby I've been reading your journal this morning, and I must admit that my heart was in my mouth as I read through the entries leading up to DH's return. Anyway, I'm so glad that it went well. I really, really hope you both find a new and better life and marriage through all this. I'll be praying for you both that the next few weeks will continue smoothly. All the best for the future |
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Post by libby on Aug 10, 2007 9:43:54 GMT -5
Last night it was a ruff one. DH had trouble settling and then staying asleep after he did settle. He did finally talk to me about some of the things/pressures going on at work on our walk last evening.
We have talked a great deal about his reluctance and down right refusal to talk to me about anything. I also told him I would not tolerate being blamed for things esp. given he says it's my fault but won't tell me what it is. He got defensive and tried to start his storming around- I calmly said- if your trying to intimidate me so this conversation will be over it's not going to work. He stopped. It was amazing- he stopped, took a few deep breaths, sat in the chair closed his eyes for a few moments and visibly relaxed. Then the conversation continued.
I notice he is making a effort and using the techniques he learned in anger therapy more. I'm beginning to realize that half of his "anger" issues were simply his way of getting out of talking about what was going on. Rant and Rave like a crazy person gets Lib. to shut up and me off the hook. Now he's not getting the results he wants from it so he can now control it? (shaking my head) I know now I was really beat down to fall for that manipulation.
His temper still makes me nervous but I refuse to show it. I will not be intimidated any longer.
I'm also looking into changing our diet around here. I hope that eating better along with physical work or exercises will improve mood. I know when I feel healthy I feel happier.
Today DD wants to learn how to use the sewing machine. She saw some cute purses made out of blue jeans and wants to make one. So that is going to be her lesson for the next few days. A new skill and recycling. I told her to go threw her jeans and find a few pairs that are getting a little small because the first 1 or 2 attempts are not going to turn out exactly the way she wants. Learning takes time. LOL- DS said he has some jean shorts she can have- so she wants to sew the pockets together to make a matching change purse/wallet thing.
If this interest is something she continues to pursue I'll need a sewing room. But she is just getting started so we'll wait a few months (maybe a year) and see what happens.
DH is taking DS fishing this evening after work so DS is hard at work playing with his tackle box and re-threading his fishing rod.
note to self- DS needs a larger fishing rod. Talk to Pop about that. Also see if Pop will build me a few bird houses and feeders, maybe DS would like to help him.
The music playing is a success for me anyway- I don't know how it's going to work for DH but it's helping me to stay calm and relaxed. Very soothing. I plan to dig out a fountain that has been in the garage since we moved here. I want to see if it still works and put it in what will be my garden. I also want to look up which plants to get to attract birds.
Libby
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Post by libby on Aug 11, 2007 8:10:55 GMT -5
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I'm trying very hard NOT to get angry but I am not doing a very good job of it. I wake up to DH slamming dresser drawers closed and him making all sorts of noise with his dramatic movements. In my sleepy state I made the mistake of asking him what was wrong- his response was- Why. I roll out of bed see he's dressed and putting his shoes on- I ask where ya going (it was 7 a.m.) he says- Why.
side note here- I HATE WHEN SOMEONE/ANYONE ANSWERS A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION, IT IS AN ABSOLUTE START TO A FIGHT WITH ME. If I ask where your going it's because I want to know MORON.
Back to DH- I took a deep breath and went down stairs for my coffee- I wanted a cigarette for the first time in a long time- went out on the back porch with my coffee and the paper. DH left I have no idea where he went. He's called but I didn't answer- I don't want to fight with him this morning, I don't want to be tense all day- we have a birthday party this afternoon for DH's nephew that DS is very excited about it.
OK I am hitting the keys way to hard so I'm more tense and angry than I first realized. I need to breath and calm myself.
Libby
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 11, 2007 8:26:15 GMT -5
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