|
Post by libby on Aug 1, 2007 9:28:55 GMT -5
I am shamed. DH dishonored and disrespected me in front of my Mother last night. I know it is only a matter of time until she tells my Father of this. He will question me very soon on all that goes on in my home. I do not lie to my Father as that would dishonor him. But how can I tell him all that goes on without him feeling that I did not trust him with my worry and sorrow? How do I tell him this when he loves DH like a son? I believe my marriage is in the last throws of death.
I must put the shame aside so that I can put forth my best for the interview in a few hours.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 1, 2007 9:55:41 GMT -5
Dont turn this inward.
If HE disrespected you in front of your mother, HE started the chain of events. If it does snowball the way you expect it will simply be another stage in HIS self destruction. Try and be distant to that. Don't move against your morals, answer as you always would, stay comfortable and confident and truthful and remember most of all that HE did this, NOT YOU.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
|
|
|
Post by libby on Aug 1, 2007 12:32:56 GMT -5
Now I will share the truth of why I am shamed. I am shamed because my Mother saw the "real relationship" and that I have allowed his behavior. I was raised in a household run jointly with love and respect between my Parents. My Father would NEVER dishonor my Mother and she in turn would NEVER disrespect my Father. But now my Mother knows that I am not as strong. So I am shamed. It is my own family that teaches me that. People will only treat you how you allow them to treat you- this is the truth that my parents have taught me. I have allowed my DH to act this way simply by continuing to stay for the sake of my children and the memories of how our relationship once was.
I look at my Parents and want what they have. I look at my brother's with their wives and want what they have. I look at my husband and am disgusted by what we have become. That to is my shame. To be jealous of another and to despise what is mine is a private hell. I should be happy for my brothers and work toward what they have but I can not force my DH to work with me. But I can leave. I can walk away. I look at my children and know they love their Daddy, as they should, know they would be hurt if I did leave with them. I keep telling myself it is better to stay so that they can have a whole family, but I also know they deserve a healthy family. I have not been able to make a choice- so I do nothing and is that not a choice in and of itself. The choice to do nothing also changes nothing.
I have a lot of personal work to do.
|
|
|
Post by libby on Aug 1, 2007 15:15:22 GMT -5
I went to the job interview actually feeling really good. The interview went very well so I decided to treat myself to a root beer float at A & W. When I got home DH told me that I received a call from the company. They want to schedule a second interview for some time next week. DH even seemed happy for me. ;D
I am really excited about getting back out into the world. Hopefully within a few weeks I will be working again.
|
|
|
Post by katmoi on Aug 1, 2007 19:25:25 GMT -5
Libby - I hope this isn't too personal, and you can tell me to back off if you want. It is clear from what you have written that your parents love you very much and that they want what will make you happy. Right now you are not happy. Your DH is trying to get past your Internet security measures and has tried to hack your password. He has not expressed any desire to stop what he's been doing. Your parents have the right to know about your despair. Let them help you through this. They would be sad to think that you are feeling so alone.
I told my mother right away what was going on with my marriage. She still loves my DH, but I am her daughter (even at 53 years old) and he is only a son-in-law. I am the one that my mother supports through all this. Trust your parents to be there for you.
Hugs. Kathy
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 2, 2007 4:03:22 GMT -5
Hey, well done on the interview ;D
|
|
|
Post by libby on Aug 2, 2007 9:04:40 GMT -5
My Father left me no choice in the matter actually. He did come here to our house and he did question me. I told him all that has been happening because I just can not lie to my Father. He was angry and hurt. Hurt and probably a little angry that I did not share this with him in the beginning and very Angry that DH has been doing what he is doing. My Daddy held me while I cried for a good long time. I have to say it was a huge relief not to have to hide my feelings from him and to feel that acceptance that comes from my Parents physically. If you've ever sat on your Mom's or Daddy's lap crying and felt his hand stroking your hair and your back than you know what it is I felt. SAFE
My Father questioned me some more on what I have done to try and help DH and to try and save or marriage. He asked more questions about DH's responses and temper. His demeanor and his character. He said that marriage is sacred and should be treated as such, DH has not done this. But he also said he would speak to my Mother and they would go looking for information. That a family helps one another and they hold each other up so one can not fall (he used the t.p. analogy from when I was younger, it made me smile). He said we will take away his loneliness by making sure he is surrounded by people who love him, We will all help him to walk away from this as we did when your brother was fond of the drink.
Now what he said to me about me. Libby, he said, you have lost your pride. Not just lost but you allowed it to be taken. How shameful is that? A prideful woman is a beautiful woman. She walks with her head held high, a smile ready for all and eyes that light up the night. Pride Libby in who you are. We must remind you of who you are again? Is _______(dh) so much stronger than you? Is his pride stronger than yours? Will you spend a day or two with your Mother and Grandmother? You need to work, to feel how strong your body is, to remember how quick your mind works and to see what a strong woman can do again.
My Father is very wise and I know that he is right. I will be going with the kids to spend some time at our family home. My Father is coming to stay with DH. He says he's bringing my brothers and Grandfather as well at different times to remind him how men should behave even when their mates are not around. He also asked how to reach DH's father and brothers. I know that they will be talking a lot. He said he plans to show DH, make him really see, what he has been doing. He also said he will shame him by doing this with all the men who love him and respect him.
Shame is a good thing my Father says, it is the way to know right from wrong. If you have done right you can not be shamed. But we must learn from our shame. He plans to teach DH about his shame, read together, pray together, work together and yes play together. He plans to show DH his pride, to help him find it again. And finally my Fathers greatest philosophy, "There is no greater force in this world that a family's love and determination- A strong family, a family strong in each other, can always stand against anything" I forgot that for a little while.
So Katmoi you are right- I should have trusted my family to help in this and I should have taken this problem to them from the start. Thank You for reminding me- I needed the reminder.
|
|
|
Post by katmoi on Aug 2, 2007 9:49:27 GMT -5
Dear, dear Libby. I got goosebumps when I read your last post. Your parents are amazing people, and oh, so wise. I am glad that you are getting the support and love that you so clearly deserve. I am glad that you no longer have to hide your pain from them. I am encouraged that they are going to spend time with your DH, and show him how respectful men act toward their wives. I am humbled that you shared all of this with me, and that you thanked me for whatever small part I did to make things better. Kathy
|
|
|
Post by libby on Aug 2, 2007 10:21:40 GMT -5
Dear, dear Libby. I got goosebumps when I read your last post. Your parents are amazing people, and oh, so wise. I am glad that you are getting the support and love that you so clearly deserve. I am glad that you no longer have to hide your pain from them. I am encouraged that they are going to spend time with your DH, and show him how respectful men act toward their wives. I am humbled that you shared all of this with me, and that you thanked me for whatever small part I did to make things better. Kathy Kathy there are no big or small parts in this, all parts are important. You reminded me that I was able to share this with my family. I read your post a little while before my Father came to me. With your thoughts and unbreakables comments still circling in my head I was encouraged not just to answer the questions but to continue the discussion. My Father asked about DH's temper, rather than just answer those questions I was able to tell him of the whole situation. I believe in Thanking someone when they give me something of value and you did. So Thank You. Libby
|
|
|
Post by libby on Aug 3, 2007 9:02:43 GMT -5
Hi- I'm writing from my parents home. I slept like the dead last night. I'm feeling very good. I'll be working in my Mothers flower beds today and work on a quilt with both my Mother and Grandmother. Quiet work and conversation to sooth the soul as my Mom says. It's very peaceful here.
DH will be fishing with both my Father and His. My brother installed a lock on my office door at home and took all the T/V's and Radio's out of my house per my Fathers request yesterday. My Pop has always believed the entertainment world is evil and has no value. So it isn't a surprise to me that his first act would be to ban it. He believes that DH needs serious Male Bonding and Personal Meditation to "understand the error of his thinking". He needs to "cleanse his visual and hearing pallet". Pop has always said the physical and spiritual can always overcome anything from the outside. So he is prescribing physical work and play along with quiet talks and meditation.
His plan is simple- he asked when DH usually partakes of the "evil" and those are the times when they will do something. Fishing, cutting wood, painting the garage or any number of other projects or sport. After the urge has passed they will talk about how it felt- "take away the secret of it". Tomorrow morning they are leaving to go camping. The plan is to exchange one unhealthy habit for a healthy one. My brother who use to drink now runs. It's worked before so I am hopeful that it will work again.
Libby
|
|
|
Post by hopeflows on Aug 3, 2007 11:26:32 GMT -5
All I can say is Wow. I hope your h realizes what a tremendous support system he has in your family. I'm glad you are with them, and finding peace
|
|
|
Post by katmoi on Aug 3, 2007 11:31:33 GMT -5
You are so very welcome, Libby. Congrats, yet again, on sharing with your family.
|
|
|
Post by katmoi on Aug 3, 2007 11:36:14 GMT -5
Your Father is a genius. I'm so glad for you. I'm also glad that you finally got some sleep and that you are enjoying the time with the women in your family. Keep up the great work, and keep us posted.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 3, 2007 12:19:15 GMT -5
All I can say is Wow. I hope your h realizes what a tremendous support system he has in your family. I'm glad you are with them, and finding peace Ditto, Libby your family sound so wonderful. I'm frankly a little jealous, but so very very pleased for you. Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend. And well done.
|
|
|
Post by libby on Aug 3, 2007 15:27:06 GMT -5
Oh this is nothing. My cousin was addicted to Heroin, My Aunt literally tied her to her bed frame for 2 weeks. Caring for her every need while she went threw with drawl. Once with drawl was calmed down counseling began.
|
|