Post by libby on Jul 27, 2007 17:46:35 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]*WARNING* I'm trying this out because I realize I need a place to express my anger (I have a lot of anger) so that I can calmly discuss things with my DH. I may use profanity, express myself in a very un-lady like way and this may be offensive to both P/A's and S/P/A's. I mean no disrespect, no insult toward anyone here and I honestly do not intend to offend. *WARNING*[/glow]
*first portion moved from my diary on my PC. note I did not edit it and most entry's were written within minutes of an argument over the last week. I do not actually speak to DH this way.
***********************************************
You know yesterday was our anniversary and yet my husband didn't even bother to mention it. I received no gift-no card- not even a little affection. But the no affection shouldn't have surprised me. He never touches me unless he wants sex. Just last week he looked bored while we were having sex. Tonight he brings home a pizza with mushrooms. He tries to say he ordered half mushrooms and they made a mistake. I know he's lying but I didn't say anything. What's the point??? He knows weather it was half mushroom or all mushrooms I couldn't eat it. Unless he thought I would try it anyway and he hoped I'd die of an allergic reaction. He's looking at porn and beating off rather than touching me- I've had the same dream for about 3 weeks now staring the same woman and him. IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY!!
************************************************
All he does these days is ignore me and watch TV or put me down. God, I'm so damned tired but every time I try to lay down my brain starts working over time and my eyes start tearing. I can't let him see I'm hurt-he'll just tell me I'm a big baby or some other dumb sh##. He says he's to tired to have sex but gets up in the middle of the night to watch porn and masturbate!! Oh he's hearing about this when he gets home the Jackass. No wonder woman cut their jackasses dick off.
I can't help but wonder how ugly it's going to get. We're both pretty vocal but he has a tendency for violence, I saw that right after DS was born. I think it's time to start looking for work. I am not going to be one of those house wives that get taken by surprise with no income and no where to go. I've lived as a single mom before- I can do it again if it comes to that.
What the #%@*& happened to me? I use to know who I was, what the hell I was doing, where I was going and who I could count on. I always looked at woman who were so wrapped up in the man they loved that they forgot to look around them and see like they were idiots. Now I feel like I am one of them. I lost something when I quit working. I think it was his respect. If he doesn't respect me can he love me? And if he can't love me do I want him to stay just because I love him??? I hate this insecurity!!!!!!
*******************************************
Confronted DH on the Porn issue again. He promises he'll never do that again. I explained, once again, how I find it demeaning, disgusting and it is a form of cheating. He claims he's having a sex drive issue and that he needs some help finding the answer to why. I am doing the research, picked up a few books on the subject and bought a few sex toys to maybe liven things up. Things actually seem to be getting a little less tense. I still can't seem to get him to talk about what is bothering him, why he's always such a jackass around me or the kids.
I've got some jobs apps. out but I think it's going to be a tough thing to find a job. The state economy sucks right now and jobs are scarce. If I wasn't looking for something that could support the kids and I if need be I could have picked up a job= but the pay was min. wage and only part time. So frustrating. I might have to look at a temp. service to supliment the at home work I do.
***********************************************
So we are at the art fair this evening. It was nice at first. After Pop's accident I've been tense and worried because Pop has a macho attitude and rarely if ever complains about pain. But anyway- DH and I are holding hands, walking together talking- just being affectionate and enjoy each other. We sit down with a cup of coffee and suddenly DH's attitude changes. He turns his back to the street and points out a woman that he works with and her family to me. Now he starts walking in front of or behind me, even across the street from me. At first I thought he was just trying to keep up with DS but no- he was dragging DS away when DS tried to wait for me. Then we are sitting down watching DS jump on the air houses and such DH jumps up and suddenly says he's going to get an elephant ear. I shrugged that off because hell I love elephant ears myself. But I look over and there is this Patty chic from work. Now DH stays away from me and is keeping his back to Patty at all times. So I'm thinking alright maybe he's avoiding this woman and I just got my signals crossed. So I asked DH why is he avoiding this woman. He says because of me!! He doesn't know what kind of mood I'm in. What the #%@*& is this!!!!!! He knows very well that I'm in a great mood-relaxed and enjoying the evening. He avoided this (expletive) because of me. So he's either embarrassed by me or ashamed of me. I swear my heart was in my throat but my pride went to my shoes because I said NOTHING. So I'm sitting here typing this crying and he's up stairs like nothing happened. Has no clue why I seem upset. I don't know what I should do. Maybe I'll talk to my Pop for a mans point of view. I don't know- I know I'm still looking for work and am going to apply at the temp agency. I need a job because I'm ready to walk. I don't need this bull sh## from my husband. What the hell kind of Husband does sh## like this anyway?
I still can't figure out why the hell he pointed this woman out to me if he had every intention of avoiding her so he did not have to introduce me. Ignorant Pig
************************************************
Once again DH tries to say I only use porn to help us. My sex drive is to low. Bla Bla Bla- I gave him some info I found from the last time I searched tell him the porn will only DECREASE his sex drive- oh he doesn't like that one bit.
SEX DRIVE ISSUES MY #%@*&ING ASS!!! We had sex yesterday afternoon and yet what the #%@*& was on the PC this morning. Porn and a lot of it. He visited at least 10 sites this a/m and watched 2 short clips. I felt him reach over me this morning to turn off the alarm. He got up early to beat off the son of a (expletive). HE PROMISED ME JUST 3 MAYBE 4 Days AGO THAT HE WOULDN'T DO IT AGAIN. I'm sorry baby he says, that was wrong of me he says, HE'S A DAMNED LIAR!!! I am sick and tired of being the understanding wife. UNDERSTAND THIS YOU (expletive)- I'M GETTING A JOB AND GETTING THE #%@*& AWAY FROM YOU! He has no respect for me, he can not be trusted to keep his word, He doesn't love me and he doesn't want me. I've had ENOUGH. I am better than this, I do deserve better than this. If he doesn't want me well that's on him. It's time to put my life back the way I want it and to hell with him and his ego.
************************************************
So yesterday I went to a forum for porn addicts. There is a section for partners or spouses of porn addicts. I found a powerful tool. I felt better reading in this section. Here were woman and men who are going threw what I am experiencing. These ladies and gentlemen are amazing. They found their own inner power by knowing and understanding that it's just like any other addiction, and to be honest I never thought for a minute it was an addiction, and it's the addicts fault and problem not the spouses even though the spouses try to make you believe it is your fault threw your lack of personal appeal and other attributes. Maybe DH can be helped but first he has to want help. I'm standing firm. I changed the passwords and installed a filter. So I'll know everyday weather or not he was cruising.
************************************************
DH is a dead man- he just doesn't know it yet. He tells me I am ruining our marriage, I am to insecure and to suffocating. Instead of worrying about fixing something that isn't broken I should be hitting the gym. Maybe if I paid more attention to my shape he would. Then slams out of the house.
I bet he went to find his magazine collection. I threw that trash out yesterday. He won't even bring it up- so frustrating.
Shows what he knows- at my last weigh in I'm down to 142 lb's and at 5'7 that's great. I'm thinking now- that comment about my weight a year ago hell a month would have thrown me into a fit of depression and a quart of Tom and Jerry.
***********************************************
*first portion moved from my diary on my PC. note I did not edit it and most entry's were written within minutes of an argument over the last week. I do not actually speak to DH this way.
***********************************************
You know yesterday was our anniversary and yet my husband didn't even bother to mention it. I received no gift-no card- not even a little affection. But the no affection shouldn't have surprised me. He never touches me unless he wants sex. Just last week he looked bored while we were having sex. Tonight he brings home a pizza with mushrooms. He tries to say he ordered half mushrooms and they made a mistake. I know he's lying but I didn't say anything. What's the point??? He knows weather it was half mushroom or all mushrooms I couldn't eat it. Unless he thought I would try it anyway and he hoped I'd die of an allergic reaction. He's looking at porn and beating off rather than touching me- I've had the same dream for about 3 weeks now staring the same woman and him. IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY!!
************************************************
All he does these days is ignore me and watch TV or put me down. God, I'm so damned tired but every time I try to lay down my brain starts working over time and my eyes start tearing. I can't let him see I'm hurt-he'll just tell me I'm a big baby or some other dumb sh##. He says he's to tired to have sex but gets up in the middle of the night to watch porn and masturbate!! Oh he's hearing about this when he gets home the Jackass. No wonder woman cut their jackasses dick off.
I can't help but wonder how ugly it's going to get. We're both pretty vocal but he has a tendency for violence, I saw that right after DS was born. I think it's time to start looking for work. I am not going to be one of those house wives that get taken by surprise with no income and no where to go. I've lived as a single mom before- I can do it again if it comes to that.
What the #%@*& happened to me? I use to know who I was, what the hell I was doing, where I was going and who I could count on. I always looked at woman who were so wrapped up in the man they loved that they forgot to look around them and see like they were idiots. Now I feel like I am one of them. I lost something when I quit working. I think it was his respect. If he doesn't respect me can he love me? And if he can't love me do I want him to stay just because I love him??? I hate this insecurity!!!!!!
*******************************************
Confronted DH on the Porn issue again. He promises he'll never do that again. I explained, once again, how I find it demeaning, disgusting and it is a form of cheating. He claims he's having a sex drive issue and that he needs some help finding the answer to why. I am doing the research, picked up a few books on the subject and bought a few sex toys to maybe liven things up. Things actually seem to be getting a little less tense. I still can't seem to get him to talk about what is bothering him, why he's always such a jackass around me or the kids.
I've got some jobs apps. out but I think it's going to be a tough thing to find a job. The state economy sucks right now and jobs are scarce. If I wasn't looking for something that could support the kids and I if need be I could have picked up a job= but the pay was min. wage and only part time. So frustrating. I might have to look at a temp. service to supliment the at home work I do.
***********************************************
So we are at the art fair this evening. It was nice at first. After Pop's accident I've been tense and worried because Pop has a macho attitude and rarely if ever complains about pain. But anyway- DH and I are holding hands, walking together talking- just being affectionate and enjoy each other. We sit down with a cup of coffee and suddenly DH's attitude changes. He turns his back to the street and points out a woman that he works with and her family to me. Now he starts walking in front of or behind me, even across the street from me. At first I thought he was just trying to keep up with DS but no- he was dragging DS away when DS tried to wait for me. Then we are sitting down watching DS jump on the air houses and such DH jumps up and suddenly says he's going to get an elephant ear. I shrugged that off because hell I love elephant ears myself. But I look over and there is this Patty chic from work. Now DH stays away from me and is keeping his back to Patty at all times. So I'm thinking alright maybe he's avoiding this woman and I just got my signals crossed. So I asked DH why is he avoiding this woman. He says because of me!! He doesn't know what kind of mood I'm in. What the #%@*& is this!!!!!! He knows very well that I'm in a great mood-relaxed and enjoying the evening. He avoided this (expletive) because of me. So he's either embarrassed by me or ashamed of me. I swear my heart was in my throat but my pride went to my shoes because I said NOTHING. So I'm sitting here typing this crying and he's up stairs like nothing happened. Has no clue why I seem upset. I don't know what I should do. Maybe I'll talk to my Pop for a mans point of view. I don't know- I know I'm still looking for work and am going to apply at the temp agency. I need a job because I'm ready to walk. I don't need this bull sh## from my husband. What the hell kind of Husband does sh## like this anyway?
I still can't figure out why the hell he pointed this woman out to me if he had every intention of avoiding her so he did not have to introduce me. Ignorant Pig
************************************************
Once again DH tries to say I only use porn to help us. My sex drive is to low. Bla Bla Bla- I gave him some info I found from the last time I searched tell him the porn will only DECREASE his sex drive- oh he doesn't like that one bit.
SEX DRIVE ISSUES MY #%@*&ING ASS!!! We had sex yesterday afternoon and yet what the #%@*& was on the PC this morning. Porn and a lot of it. He visited at least 10 sites this a/m and watched 2 short clips. I felt him reach over me this morning to turn off the alarm. He got up early to beat off the son of a (expletive). HE PROMISED ME JUST 3 MAYBE 4 Days AGO THAT HE WOULDN'T DO IT AGAIN. I'm sorry baby he says, that was wrong of me he says, HE'S A DAMNED LIAR!!! I am sick and tired of being the understanding wife. UNDERSTAND THIS YOU (expletive)- I'M GETTING A JOB AND GETTING THE #%@*& AWAY FROM YOU! He has no respect for me, he can not be trusted to keep his word, He doesn't love me and he doesn't want me. I've had ENOUGH. I am better than this, I do deserve better than this. If he doesn't want me well that's on him. It's time to put my life back the way I want it and to hell with him and his ego.
************************************************
So yesterday I went to a forum for porn addicts. There is a section for partners or spouses of porn addicts. I found a powerful tool. I felt better reading in this section. Here were woman and men who are going threw what I am experiencing. These ladies and gentlemen are amazing. They found their own inner power by knowing and understanding that it's just like any other addiction, and to be honest I never thought for a minute it was an addiction, and it's the addicts fault and problem not the spouses even though the spouses try to make you believe it is your fault threw your lack of personal appeal and other attributes. Maybe DH can be helped but first he has to want help. I'm standing firm. I changed the passwords and installed a filter. So I'll know everyday weather or not he was cruising.
************************************************
DH is a dead man- he just doesn't know it yet. He tells me I am ruining our marriage, I am to insecure and to suffocating. Instead of worrying about fixing something that isn't broken I should be hitting the gym. Maybe if I paid more attention to my shape he would. Then slams out of the house.
I bet he went to find his magazine collection. I threw that trash out yesterday. He won't even bring it up- so frustrating.
Shows what he knows- at my last weigh in I'm down to 142 lb's and at 5'7 that's great. I'm thinking now- that comment about my weight a year ago hell a month would have thrown me into a fit of depression and a quart of Tom and Jerry.
***********************************************