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Post by libby on Aug 4, 2007 12:35:50 GMT -5
I'm feeling a little out of sorts today. Yesterday DH finally admitted to me that he enjoys porn "a little to much" and that he's sorry that he has allowed it to come between us. Maybe I'm a little to skeptical or cynical but I find the omission comes too quickly. Like he's saying it to shut me up and get our family off his back. I know he was pissed when he found out I told my Father-so this quick acceptance is a little hard to believe.
I want to believe it's genuine, I want to believe that he is willing to set porn aside- but my mind is telling me not to take him at his word.
As for myself, I spent the morning with the kids- I have 2 wonderful kids- they amaze me each and every day with their curiosity and excitement for exploration. We spent an hour or two just walking threw the woods- examining the ground for bugs. LOL, my youngest has a great love of bugs. I came to the realization that I need to focus more on our family as a whole rather than our marriage. Weather my Marriage lives or dies our children are forever. I am their Mother and they need me to be happy, healthy and strong so I am going to take each day as it comes- work on letting go of my anger and stop being so self centered. The kids do not care if Mom and Dad have a healthy sex life- they don't need us fighting and avoiding each other. This is not to say I am willing to ignore the problems- it just means I'm not going to allow the bad to take over my life anymore. These last few weeks it seems as if I've thought of nothing else but our problems. That is not fair to me or our children. I have to learn to set the problems aside each day so that I can enjoy the good that is always just waiting to be noticed. I have to learn to balance life and I will.
So my goals are to spend more time exploring nature with our kids, spend a little time each day putting in a flower bed in my own yard- I had forgotten how much I enjoy playing in the dirt and I am going to meditate each day.
Libby
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 5, 2007 5:12:49 GMT -5
Your family is amazing, libby. It's perfectly normal for you to be "cautious" and have doubts about anything your h might say. It's up to him to regain the trust, by actually putting the p0rn aside and becoming a husband again. Ohmygosh, you reminded me of when my kids and I used to spend hours and hours in the woods. They thought we were like millions of miles into the deep woods, when actually we were only a few hundred feet from the house I love kids. I hope you can continue to focus on the children, and the family unit as a whole. Maybe your h will see that you are centered and balanced, and realize just what is truly important in life.
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Post by katmoi on Aug 5, 2007 7:38:40 GMT -5
Your emotions are bound to be all over the place for a long time to come. The anger and hurt don't just automatically disappear. It takes time and and a lot work to heal from the wounds that he has inflicted. Of course he was pissed when he found out that you told your father. Too bad for him. Enjoy exploring nature with your kids. My daughter is 21, and I miss those days when she could be entertained by spiders and bugs. Hugs, Kathy
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Post by libby on Aug 5, 2007 10:55:36 GMT -5
Children are funny people. We are suppose to be teaching them about life but you know what- I'm beginning to realize they are actually reminding us that life really is simple.
Take yesterday for instance. I took the kids to the woods to explore nature. DS was so involved in the bugs he couldn't tell you anything about what was around him that wasn't on the ground. My son in his simple way told me that you have to look around you even underneath objects, thats when things get interesting.
My DD loves birds and chipmunks. She was content to sit and lean against a tree. Just watching for chipmunks and listening to the birds chirp and sing. She showed me that sometimes you just have to wait for what you want, stay calm and watchful.
This morning I got up early. I was hoping to see the sun rise but it was raining, and still is. Rather than be disappointed I sat on my back porch sipping coffee listening to the rain fall. Have you ever done that? Just listen to the different sounds as the rain hit's the patio, the roof, a glass top table? Listening and thinking. Just like in life, when something is said or done it can sound and be received so differently by different people at different times.
I think the rain is better than a sun rise to sooth the spirit. The smell is crisp and fresh when you have a soaking rain that you just don't get anywhere else. It washes everything clean, leaving puddles here and there and the grass a brilliant green.
It's going to be a great day.
Libby
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 5, 2007 12:02:08 GMT -5
Hear! Hear! Libby! I hope you do give yourself the gift of a good day; it sounds like you're off to a wonderful start. I enjoyed reading the "life lessons" you found on your walk in the woods with your children yesterday. Thank you for sharing them here. J
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Post by libby on Aug 5, 2007 13:38:00 GMT -5
Your Welcome Mayberry. I've found that I enjoy writing in my journal, looking back over just the few entry's I can see how far I've come. When I started I WAS screaming in my head now it's almost like "talking" with a friend when I sit to write.
_______________________________ I've been talking a lot about the things I've been thinking and personal revaluations I've had but I haven't shared some of the things that have been happening in my home with the help of my brothers and a few family friends. So the following is what we've been doing and where the idea's came from.
I've been reading other journals here as well and learning a great deal along the way. From the PA journals I've learned the DH has a long and difficult road ahead of him, even with the love, help and support from our families. From the S/PA's or S/O's journals I've learned that it's going to be a time of renewal, frustration and learning. I'm afraid but willing to work at it.
With DH off camping it's easier to think clearly and "see" myself. I'm afraid that when DH comes home in a few days we'll fall back into pattern again. So I've been doing some things around the house, little things, but things that shake up the routine. I called and canceled cable TV. The entertainment centers are now in the garage and I have no intention of bringing them back in. Our family room has new shelves with family games on them and my brother is bringing over a table w/chair's to put in there as well. All the furniture has been re-arranged for two reasons, 1. I felt the need to clean the house top to bottom and 2. I've read in a few PA journals about comfort zones and the difficulty of coming out of them. I'm hoping that changing the function and the visual of the rooms it will help him to create a new pattern. I thought about painting some of the rooms a different color but then thought DH might think I'm "cleaning and changing him" right out of the house. Not my intention at all.
I purchased some classical and NA. music Cd's. I read an article on MSNBC where a city is piping in classical music to change the environment to detour gang violence in public location. I've also read that research shows significant change in mood and behavior when calm music is played. (maybe reaching and it may be a waste of time but I'm looking into all options). I guess I'm trying to change our house back into a home.
Wow- I've just rambled away here.
Libby
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 5, 2007 13:43:22 GMT -5
I enjoyed the "ramble." I have been giving some thought to some furniture rearrangement too...and the urge to clean has been surging through (though I've got so much else I'm giving love & care to right now that it is not numero uno on my list). Hmmm. There's a lot of food for thought in your last post; thank you for it. J
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Post by libby on Aug 5, 2007 14:18:58 GMT -5
Mayberry, I've felt like I'm walking on egg shells for so long and hesitated to do things around the house because every thing and anything could set DH off on his temper. It felt like I was a ghost- this was DH's house and I was almost afraid to upset the balance. Weird I know because it's my house too but I wanted peace so badly that I suppressed my own needs and wants.
I feel like I must do something all the time. I'm getting to know myself again and taking back my home. My emotions are alive again and it's wonderful. I'm pushing the fear back and taking action. That's what all the cleaning and re-arranging is about. I'm sweeping out the lies, frustration, tears, hurt and insecurities and letting in the light, the energy and dare I say it, the hope.
Oh- I have been reading your journal Mrs. Mayberry, I love the way you rant.
Libby
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Post by libby on Aug 5, 2007 18:37:43 GMT -5
Let's see....................Dh called a little while ago to check in, make sure the kids and I are okay and to let me know that camping is going well and he's actually enjoying himself. We spoke for a short while about every day matters and I found myself tensing, I don't know why............... I'm going to have to give this some thought and search for some information on this. I know he has zero opportunity to look at porn so I know he isn't lying to me about that, so I don't know.
I am going to research some breathing techniques and exercises- maybe that will help.
Other than this bit of confusion I've had a really great day.
Libby
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 5, 2007 18:44:17 GMT -5
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Post by libby on Aug 5, 2007 21:04:35 GMT -5
Yes Jinn, I pray but a bit differently than a Christian would. My family is Native American. I believe in a Great Spirit that lives in all living things, the sky, the wind, Mother Earth. It's like your God, but rather than God living in Heaven I believe He (or she as I don't know personally which)is every where. It's a little hard to explain as I don't actually follow the old tradition completely. Just like Christians time has changed and evolved our "religion" - not a religion really but our way of life.
Thank You for sharing the exercise- I may try it.
Libby
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Post by want2befree on Aug 5, 2007 23:28:45 GMT -5
Libby,
Wow! and Double Wow! I am a newly recoverying PA and just wondered into your journal. I am in tears... I am absolutely astonished at how your family is working together the way a family should! It reminds me of a void I have inside of me.... a void of a family that I always longed for as a kid. That makes me feel sad... it's a loss I'm still grieving.
However, I am SO HAPPY for you. Your folks are so wise... it makes me feel so good to hear your fathers words of wisdom. I can tell he leads a simple yet very effective and satisfying life...
blessings to you on your journey!
want2befree
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Post by libby on Aug 6, 2007 9:32:56 GMT -5
Libby, Wow! and Double Wow! I am a newly recoverying PA and just wondered into your journal. I am in tears... I am absolutely astonished at how your family is working together the way a family should! It reminds me of a void I have inside of me.... a void of a family that I always longed for as a kid. That makes me feel sad... it's a loss I'm still grieving. However, I am SO HAPPY for you. Your folks are so wise... it makes me feel so good to hear your fathers words of wisdom. I can tell he leads a simple yet very effective and satisfying life... blessings to you on your journey! want2befree Thank You- I never really know what to say when people comment on my family. My family just is- I never thought it was anything beyond normal. I've always felt we are a typical American family. ______________________________Today the kids and I are volunteering at a homeless shelter in the city. Something that I learned as a child- giving money is easy and appreciated but giving your time and service is essential to the spirit. It's almost impossible to feel sorry for yourself when helping others. We have a bunch of blankets that need to be delivered, Mom and Grandma have been hard at work making quilts (a little public service notice- winter is coming and blankets and warm clothing is always needed) and I have all our coats from last year to take in. We will be spending a few hours serving. I've been thinking a great deal about my Mom and Pop this morning. When we were growing up Mom had a veg. and herb garden every year. My father tilled the soil for her without complaint-usually with a little teasing and laughter- I know this is very hard work with a old rototiller. My Mom would then take all of us kids out to plant. We spent hours weeding and tending to that garden each and every summer. Mom canned almost everything she grew. She makes the best apple butter I've ever had and still does to this day. My father hunted and fished. I can remember walking out to see him dressing a deer hearing him thank the Great Spirit for providing for his family. I always thought my parents were old fashion but now I realize that we were poor. Funny how you don't realize that when your little. My parents worked hard to feed us, My Mom made most of our clothes because fabric is cheaper to buy than clothing. We never went without but they always found a way to do for us without a lot of money. I think this constant working together for their family is what made them so strong in their marriage. Time has marched on as it always will and money circumstances have improved but what has been the cost? My children are well loved but they don't know what hard work is. I work out now rather than just work to keep healthy. My marriage is not strong. If my DH swings a hammer he is more likely to hit his thumb than the nail. I know how to make a shirt for my DH but I don't- it's easier and faster just to drive to the store and buy one. My daughter will most likely not know how. I'm going to talk to my Mom about all of this. Maybe it's time to reach back and do some things the old way. Faster and easier has a cost and I'm starting to think that cost is my family. I'm starting to wonder (because of the comments on my family) if this were my granddaughter going threw this very same circumstance would our family be as able to help? Would they be as willing? I'm going to visit my Mother some time today to talk about this. Thanks so much for listening. Libby
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 6, 2007 11:40:50 GMT -5
I'm really enjoying your journal, Libby. You have some very thought-provoking insights. I agree with the music changing the emotional atmosphere. I worked for a boss who was verbally abusive. I had the musack turned off in our offices (it was to different local radio stations) and brought in a small tape player and played soft instrumental worship music. It really cut back on the verbal abuse - if he was in a tense mood, I'd put that on and he'd chill out quickly. I doubt if he even realized it had such a positive affect on him - plus, it kept me calm so I didn't have the tenseness and fear that was palapable. Here's my current favorite instrumental (with samples) that I play to help calm myself or use when I pray to help focus: www.rainingpresence.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=AK006&Show=TechSpecsI like your idea or rearranging the furniture to change the focus of your family - that's terrific. Glad your extended family is close. That is so rare (in my opinion) and so very special. I taught my sons to sew, iron, cook, clean, fish, swim, play music and yard work. Their dad taught them to camp, hike, garden and minor auto maintenance. I think it was good family time and they learned skills they may or may not ever use. I've often wondered if I was born in the wrong century, especially when my kids were young. It was hard to make women friends because most of them worked or were busy babysetting. I thought of a few hundred years ago when people lived in tribes and the men hunted and warred - the women gardened together and worked in community. The modern conveniences may be nice - but it sure stole a lot of interpersonal opportunities, too. LookingUp
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Post by libby on Aug 6, 2007 22:16:41 GMT -5
Looking up- I grew up hearing about tribal days even though my parents grew up years after those days, LOL. I'm going to be teaching my kids the value of physical work- working together for a common goal. Thank You for the link- I plan to check it out tomorrow when I have a little free time.
______________________________________________
I'm fumbling my way threw this whole situation, trying to find my balance and keeping my family together. DH will be home Weds. and we'll have a gathering to share our thoughts. I don't know how that will go but I believe no matter the out come I'll be O.K.
I have 4 interviews lined up for this week- I'm nervous but in a good way.
It's been a long tiring day today- the kids are "camping" in our bedroom tonight- were going to eat popcorn and tell stories so I should get in gear and up the stairs. Good Night all.
Libby
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