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Post by LookingUp on Jul 27, 2007 16:15:09 GMT -5
I liked May's rant - so I won't rant it over again. You've said the woman is half insane and that really proves it. I may be way wrong - because I'm not at all close to the situation - but she sounds like a woman who will manipulate people by money. Anybody. Dangle $$ like a carrot and pull it back when she gets the person to follow her wishes and dictates. She may do that to the other caregiver, too. It seems to me, that she's trying to plant the idea in your head that if you play your cards right and kow-tow to her meanness that maybe you could be the "lucky" winner of her house. Chances are, she's left the house to the Humane Society or the VFW already (if she doesn't have family who will inherit; and even if she did leave it to a caregiver - family could break the will since the caregiver isn't family and then there could be major bucks to spend on a lawyer).
If Sue is trying to milk her for money and stuff - then Sue may be in for a very great surprise when she gets nothing but a broken flower pot with a dead plant!
My step-daughter's mother-in-law is a caregiver in a rest home and has been for over 30 years. She says give her a male client any day - that the large majority women she's worked for are rude, snarky and unappreciateive and never happy with her work. She says most of the men are very appreciative of everything she does. In a way, it makes sense. Older men have probably never been house-husbands or done a lot inside the house or even took care of their clothes and other chores they delegated to their wives; so they are happy to have somebody help them so they don't have to learn new skills at their age. But some of the older women may resent that they can no longer do their "job" of 60 or 70 years of being a housewife and caring for their home. She says she tries to take the female rudeness in stride - but much prefers working with the men then the women. Hearing her talk has been one of my motivations for cultivating an attitude of gratitude now - so it will be natural and developed in case I'm ever in that situation. I'd hate to have my caregivers hide from me!
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Post by whoami on Jul 27, 2007 16:59:00 GMT -5
Thanks for your thoughts on this , Lu and May. I had to chuckle at the idea of a dead plant in a broken pot, if it was me taking care of the plant it probably would be dead, lol.
Yes the lady is very mentally ill, besides having the memory related dementia problems of a lot of the elderly. She has dillusions and halucinations. She thinks she has a female family member and her bf and their dog living in her attack. (There is only crawl space in her attic) This so called family member is constantly doing unspeakable sexual things to her, and putting needles in the places she hurts.
She is Christian Science religion which makes her care EXTRA difficult as they don't believe in doctors or medicine as a rule. We think these hallucinations are rationalizations for the pain and problems she has in her body that she won't have looked at or treated. It's hard to say. She's pretty far gone. Since she won't seek treatment we don't even have a diagnosis but I would guess maybe schizophrenia.
It is spooky sometimes for sure. Her facial features are so contorted when she is yelling at this family member (which is most of the time). It's very tricky out in public as I'm sure she is losing control of herself little by little.
She has no children, she has both a sister and a brother in town who want very little to do with her, but she does she her sister at church occasionally.
Originally when I was there she says she is leaving her house to the church. After Sue came on the scene, she is talking of leaving the house to Sue. Yes. She's insane. She has given no one power of atty. I have grown quite close to her lawyer by now and he's a very decent guy. I think somewhere along the line, she has told him she wants the house to go to the church. My H thinks it's entirely possible she might leave it to Sue. It hurts me to think of that, it would feel so unfair, but I need to not dwell on it.
Last summer I was taking care of a man dying of cancer at home. I was originally there for the wife, who moved on to the nursing home once the mr got cancer. That was a very trying case, but at least I had some medicine on my side (I dread the scenario of my present client dying at home!) I worked with hospice with him. They called him a "shyster", not a "nice man at all," and indeed, he was quite the tyrant. But like you said LU, he was SO very grateful to me, thanked me all the time with tears in his eyes, and said I had been a very very good friend to him and his family. I got close to his daughter too and she was grateful, and I know I did help them. It was hard work and emotional but worth it!
After my quiet time today, I called my supervisor. She had left a message on the hotline (which we use to call hours in) saying they were swamped with new clients and could any of us work extra. So I called to say I could work my Tuesdays til things get settled down. After I did this, I thought maybe something good could come out of this. Maybe I could actually find a better situation? That is wishful thinking but I'm leaving it up to God. My fears about leaving present client are all about the money, yes. I'm growing less attached to her as the abuse escalates.
Thanks so much for your time and prayers, in helping me talk this out. HUGS!!
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 27, 2007 19:22:00 GMT -5
Brief message (more to come, I suspect): Good going, whoami! There's nothing wrong with wishful thinking based in reality.
"Hear our prayer, O Lord; let our cry come to you." (Psalm 102:1) "O God, come to our assistance. O Lord, hasten to help us." (Psalm 70:1) "Our prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God in the abundance of your steadfast love, answer us." (Psalm 69.13) "Hear my prayer, O Lord; give ear to my supplications in your faithfulness; answer me in your righteousness." (Psalm 143:1) "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you..." (Matthew 7:7)
I would (and this is crossing the line into "I'm me, and you're you" so feel free to ignore): 1. Tell God of your distress and ask to be relieved of your distress 2. Ask God for the door to open 3. Thank Him for his loving-kindness in answering you 4. Ask Him to send his spirit to strengthen you to "go with the flow" of the help he sends.
I'm (pretty sure) we've all heard this old saw: "A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come up. The water starts rising, and before you know it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered. Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.
The guy in the boat yells,'Come on - we're here to save you. Get in the boat.' The guy in the house says,'No...I've got faith that God will save me.'
The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy is forced up the second floor of his house by the flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in the boat yells,'Come on! It's getting worse. If you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.' From the second floor window the guy says,'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll save me.'
The boat leaves. Water's rising. The guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead and the pilot shouts out,'This is your last chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come now you're going to drown.' The guy says from the roof,'No, thanks. God will save me.'
The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly gates. He asks St. Peter,'What happened? I've been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he would save me. Why did he let me down?'
And St. Peter tells him,'What the heck do you want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?"
Don't ignore the boat and the helicopter, dear one. If your present fears are about money, talk to God about it and try to be "still" enough inside yourself that you can see the boat when it comes. Sounds to me that your intuition is dead-on and you are (correctly IMHO) hearing the message from your supervisor as the "boat." Good for you!!!!
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Post by whoami on Jul 28, 2007 23:18:31 GMT -5
My H's bday is coming up fast. He keeps the card I got him last year, which says "There is no sweeter place to rest my head than on the pillow, next to yours."
This is gonna be a tough act to follow. And it wasn't entirely fakey, but maybe a half truth.
I love waking up in the middle of the night, and knowing he's there. I love waking up in the morning when he is still there asleep, but most of the time when I wake up, he's already up and gone.
But is tough to lay my head on the pillow next to his at night. He is hating this, I'm hating it too. I just need to make sure he's asleep before I go in there.
May, thank you for your boat message. I'm wishing peace to you and Mr. May tonight.
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 29, 2007 11:19:38 GMT -5
Thanks for the well-wishes, dear one. I'm not entirely clear on what "he's hating this, I'm hating it too" refers to in your last post? I have some guesses, but I'm not sure... But your words about half-truth or, perhaps, half-heartedness ( ) in celebrating your husband's birthday did remind me of some "special times" recently (since various d-days) that when I just didn't feel all that invested or excited with the stain of "this stuff" on our household. Hang in there. I offered prayer for you this morning. J
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Post by whoami on Jul 29, 2007 19:19:02 GMT -5
Thanks for your prayer, Mayberry!
I prayed about it and thought about it today, and I believe I have an answer....
My H hates that I don't come to bed when he does. I think I have just been rationalizing this as (I just like to stay up later) and maybe part of that is true. But I think there is something else to it. My H hits the pillow and he's out like a light. It takes me longer to get to sleep.
On the nights I do go to bed with him, he spoons with me now, but it's like 1 2 3 Snore! I think I might be making a little trigger out of this, because of all the years he just got as far on the other side of the bed that he could, and turned his back. Starting shortly after marriage.
So I get a little triggered thinking back on all the years I just laid there wondering what was wrong with me. I spent a lot more years wondering what was wrong with me, then the last 10 years or so wondering what was wrong with HIM. I think of that song by Rod Stewart ( the first time I heard it was by Peter Paul and Mary).....
If I listened long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe that it's all true Knowing that you lie, straight faced while I cry.
In his case, he just snored away while I laid there crying. He's a sleeper kind of guy, to deal with stress. Any time I've ever wanted to discuss anything serious (pre disclosure) he would just have to go to sleep. I found it hard to go to sleep when I needed to discuss anything important.
So it's not from any unforgiviing place that I don't like going to bed the same time as he. It's just a mini trigger I have to work on. And I realize it's nothing serious....thanks for your thoughts Mayberry PS, he tells me I am snoring a little myself this day so yeeheeee!
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 29, 2007 19:29:34 GMT -5
OUCH! (wince) I'm glad I (wince) asked. I'm sorry you went through that. I can understand why bedtime at the same time might be hard.
All love your way...J
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 29, 2007 19:58:48 GMT -5
I can see why bedtimes are a trigger for you. I hate that "sleep to avoid talking" stuff - we still go through that a little bit. 30 seconds and he's out like a light - even if I'm on my side of the bed crying my eyes out, blowing kleenex, making gasping noises (I'm a noisy cryer) - he's snoring like an old dog by the fire. Maybe that's good, because sometimes my tears are me trying to manipulate him to feel sorry for not talking to me, or being rude, or porning, or.... whatever has me upset. I'm learning to say my truth so I don't have to manipulate by tears now. My trigger use to be the opposite: he refused to go to bed when I did - I think that was his porn time; if he'd hear me get up (to potty or to check on him or get some water) - he'd hurry up and turn off his computer and rush to the bedroom. I use to lay in bed and toss and turn until he came to bed. Eventually I refused to let his addiction hinder my sleep. I made a boundary he had to come to bed with me or sleep separate. If not I'd wake up when he crawled in bed (at 2 or 3 or 4 AM) and when he'd spoon, I'd feel like "sloppy seconds" - because of his addiction. The past week or so, he's wanted to go to bed with me. After 6 months of sleeping mostly in separate rooms - on separate floors of the house - it seems so crowded with him in bed... stealing covers, snoring, sweating on me, yanking at my nightgown. I'll adjust. I use to like him next to me at night, and I'm sure I'll adjust again. Tonight he's watching a game - so we'll probably sleep separate. I should have a restful night's sleep tonight. I got rather off topic onto me. But I understand what you mean. I'm sorry you're going through that. It's rather amazing some of the fall-out from years of this stuff. I like the way you've evaluated this as a small trigger and something that may be easy to heal from. That's terrific - love that can-do attitude. LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jul 30, 2007 18:38:03 GMT -5
Ditto, LU. My H self swaddles. I'm hanging onto the sheet in my sleep,while it is stretched so tight over me I eventally wake up feeling strangled. He uses the sheets to swaddle himself like a baby. It almost looks like a mummy, but I call it swaddling. He keeps that sheet so tight under and around him, I think it would feel like a strait jacket! (I hope that quote box will come up, first time I've tried. If it works I have Mayberry to thank, I copied down her instructions to someone else. I know I've been told by others but it takes me awhile ;D I wonder what a psychiatrist would make of swaddling?? Not a bad day. Client had bought some catfish nuggets last time we were at the store. Wanted me to take all the black skin off before I fried it. Told her she had to help, took her majesty a plate with about 1/6th the catfish on it, and a knife and fork. She got pissy. But at least it gave her something to do for an hour and a half. Meanwhile I ate my own lunch. And she ended up loving the catfish eventually . Blech, not my favorite thing. The lawn guy came to mow her yard and trim her hedges and put some weed killer down. It is VERY hot and muggy today. When he came to the door to get paid, I invited him in to cool off a bit (not that she lets it be that cool in her house!) Offered him water but he'd been drinking from the hose. He was drenched with sweat, was kind of worried, he's probably late 30ish but heat stroke happens. After he left, she said, You Are Taking All My Boyfriends away from me. I took it as a joke, hope she meant it as a joke....I thought it was funny anyway. I'm a chattier person than I used to be and I look at that as a good sign. I'm 5 minutes late starting dinner, but H is settling into this time after work that he can do his thing, and I can do mine. He is checking out boat building books from the library and doing his research. He wants to build a boat, I have no doubts he will after he retires (God willing, we both can retire.) He has GREAT taste in nice looking boats. Things have sure changed in 3.5 years. I need to do more goal work in my circle but I guess this is all for tonight. Time flies.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 30, 2007 18:58:19 GMT -5
Glad you didn't let your client get under your skin but laughed with her. Glad you had her do some things she's still capable of doing for herself. Sounds like some great things going on in your life.
The boat sounds like a fun project. Gotta tell two funnies about boats.
(1) When my husband was in high school, one of his teachers' dream was to build a boat. He started it in his basement about a decade before he retired. Worked for years and finally got it done about the time he retired. To discover - he couldn't get it OUT of his basement!
(2) My husband worked with a man who made a big boat - one you can sleep on with two bedrooms. From what my husband said, it was a really nice boat. Just before he retired, he hired a place on the ocean for it to live when he wasn't using it (Is that a dock?). He hired a truck to take it to the train station so it could ride the train to the ocean and then he could take it to it's new home. He'd wrote the rail line to determine the heighth of the boat so it would make it through the tunnel. He forgot to ask the width of the tunnel. The boat made it through the first two tunnels with no problem. Then it went through the long, third tunnel and it was a narrower tunnel and the rocks took both sides off the boat. Ka-boom!
So much for planning ahead! LOL.
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Post by rosiemj on Jul 30, 2007 22:30:53 GMT -5
Hi Whoami, I just wanted to say hi and say that the sleeping thing is a hard one. I used to sleep real good and went out like a light and slept all night but since the onslaught of this ordeal I do not sleep and I have resentment that R can so well.
I feel sleeping is a trigger and the ritual of bedtime is a trigger. So night time is hell. I understand your feelings in this big time. I am now working on trying not to feel so awful at bedtime.
It is like we have to start over in our sleep patterns and find ways to feel better at bedtime. It is very hard though. I would get high blood pressure moments off and on all night now for a couple of months but in the last few days since the health thread and taking care of the smallest of resentments and triggers I now am overcoming that.
It is real hard and scary to go to bed because of those triggers. The most painful of times will give us the biggest triggers in dealing with the same things that represent them.
Maybe we can work on those for you on the health thread somehow. God bless you and I hope you can sleep. I am also working to find a way not to feel triggered at night.
Someone on this board told me that I must sleep with one eye open and I think they are right. I have a fear of sleep now. This is real triggering and painful stuff sweet girl so maybe we can find a way on the health thread to deal with it so if you want to I will join you. God bless and LOL and much warmth to you. Rosie
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Post by EA on Jul 31, 2007 0:29:15 GMT -5
Cool Whoami, your quote box worked......
XXOO
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 31, 2007 21:17:50 GMT -5
Wow - you made a quote box! That's great!
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Post by whoami on Aug 1, 2007 11:08:26 GMT -5
OMG. I JUST QUIT MY CLIENT! WOW! WOW! WOW!
She ragged on me the whole 10 minutes I was there. I fired waring shots. I said Please Don't This. She kept at me like a dog on a bone.
And then I was gone! WOW!
Went to the office, vented to my supervisor...she said she'll call with new client (s) whenever they were available. I can't believe how fast this happened!
Jittery and feel kinda sick, also kind of GOOD!
This is what my H said...."The woman is just plain crazy. Whatever end she comes to, it's probably going to be an ugly end, and you're better off getting out now. We'll work this thing out. I had a good month this last month. Just go home and relax. It'll be ok. I love you honey."
He's so nice to me sometimes it's scary.
I think I'm going to go cry now.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 1, 2007 11:36:24 GMT -5
YEAH!!! I was home for lunch and read this:
Dear one! Way to go! I think God gave you the strength to take care of YOU! And you accepted God's gift of strength!!! I'm so HAPPY for you!!!!!! And guess what? God's still going to be there with you in the new "unknown." If you're fretting, tell HIM about it and turn it over to him and ask him to relieve you of that feeling. I am SO GLAD your husband responded as he did. Accept his gift of support. You are worthy of his support. I'm doing a happy dance for you, dear one! YAY!!!!!
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