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Post by Mayberry on Jul 22, 2007 6:39:06 GMT -5
I find some "centering" thinking time during my days doing no-brainer tasks (for me, dishes, hanging out laundry, ironing are a few). It's as if, for me, the task provides SOME sort of focus for part of my brain, and allows the rest of my brain to think more calmly and explore more generative/creative ideas vs. more destructive/depressive paths of thought. That's just me.
I hope you have a great day today and I spent time this morning wrapping you in prayer. J
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Post by rosiemj on Jul 22, 2007 17:14:07 GMT -5
Hi Whoami, I want to say the I agree with Jinn in no brainer tasks. I also feel much better doing those. Thank you Jinn I hope all is well Whoami and your boat ride was nice God bless you girls. LOL Rosie
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Post by whoami on Jul 22, 2007 18:59:14 GMT -5
Hi Jinn and Rosie, hey I like what Jinn said too, about needing some focus for our brains but just enough so the other parts, the problem solving and cognitive parts can relax and get out of spaz mode, and work better. At least MY brain goes into spaz mode quite often! If I don't have something menial and/or physical to focus on, i think I would just fall asleep. It's sad, but I'm so tired lately! I fall asleep trying to read a novel ( I used to love reading for pleasure). I'm wide awake when actively dealing with problems, but my mind seems to go a little spastic if I am too focused on something stressful.
I'm not making any sense. Brains are strange, at least mine is tonight!!
It's hard to accept that summer is more than half over! I love being on the water so much, and I shouldn't be dwelling on the fact that we won't have many more boating opportunities left. I need to enjoy it while I can, and not look ahead....
Oh the homily this morning was so good. It was about Martha and Mary. I am such a Martha! I am embarrassed just hearing that scripture read, I feel so sheepish. Mary took the better part, and I've known that for a long time. If I just could spend more time with God, if only! I know things could be better, life could be better. I could be more organized!
It was a message about BALANCE, and the up part is, we all have trouble finding it, it's not just me.
I'm a little down today, I'm not sure why. It hasn't been a bad day at all. This too shall pass. I'm not going to let negativity get to me. I'm pretty sure that's just my genes talking.... God bless you girls too! You are a MAJOR blessing to me!
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 22, 2007 19:17:02 GMT -5
That is so cool, Whoami! Mary & Martha figured in our homily today too, and I was sitting there thinking, "You know, I would have been SO Martha! Jesus would have burst out laughing when I came in to nag."
Do you know the story of the Little Red Hen? It speaks to me more and more, as a humorous way of viewing myself, the older I get. "Who will help me BAKE the bread?"
All blessings, Jinn
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 22, 2007 21:03:44 GMT -5
I enjoyed your post, whoami. I also like to DO something with my hands so my brain can think. I find hand-quilting or applique quite beneficial to my thought life.... well, eating sunflower seeds or sweets is quite handy, too.... but it doesn't help my waist-line to do that. Maybe that's us Marthas that struggle in that area and need to DO something so our brains can work. I've often called myself a human DOing instead of a human BEing.
I heard a sermon CD a while back by Mike Bickle on Mary and Martha that really spoke to me. He said we need the Mary moments where we sit at his feet. But we also need the Martha moments where we get up and serve others. I felt SOOOOOOOO very relieved when he said that. It really set me free from guilt over leaning towards the Martha mentality.
I went back a few weeks ago and read the Bible stories of Martha and Mary. I found their responses to when their brother Lazareth died quite interesting. Mary scolded Jesus (John 11: 32) when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." But when Jesus talked to Martha - she had faith (John 11: 21-22) Then Martha said to Jesus, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." I'd like to have Martha's faith! It surprised me it wasn't Mary, the foot-sitter and listener, who had the stronger faith! Then I thought of the scriptures "Faith without works is dead."
One of the blessings of being married to my husband is he's taught me to just chill and not feel guilty. He can sit at the kitchen table for an hour and just look out the window and be totally relaxed. I'm not there yet. I have to get the dish cloth and wipe every little spot I see - but I'm slowly learning to let them go and just enjoy existing and hear the birds, the distant vehicles, the children playing, the dogs baying, the grass growing.... Just to soak in the luxury of the sights and sound of God's creation.
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Post by whoami on Jul 22, 2007 21:43:15 GMT -5
Ahhh, thanks so much LU! I really needed to hear this!!
I am a Martha, but it ends up she had faith too. Big Faith! And faith without works is dead....
I really needed to hear this....LU..... I work really hard and sometimes it feels like stones and thistles are the only crops that ever yield.
I'm not so ashamed to be Martha anymore. Martha is my namesake fer Pete's sake.
Life is weird, but oh so promising! Thanks, Thanks Thanks!! I need to go to sleep now....you sleep well too. I am SO blessed, and I need to know this daily...YES I thank you, my God, and my friends.
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Post by whoami on Jul 24, 2007 17:41:50 GMT -5
I read a real good thread on the General Board today, about journal etiquette. Lightbulb moment for me. I have posted on other's journals without being invited. I have no doubt flamed, used bad language, attacked and been attacked. I want to quit all that. At least I want to not attack. This place is an emotional tinderbox and I have bit in at times, and I want to stop that. I am in the process actually, of stopping that.
I hope I haven't misbehaved in other people's journals, I welcome anyone to post in mine as long as it isn't an attack. Post as you would want others to post to you. That was well said.
I wanted to reach out to the ladies who had the evilness from the troll, but I didn't want to feed the troll. I could PM them but it's probably too late, and I'm sure they want to forget about it. There can be a lot of tension on these boards, and I tend to run from conflict, but I think it's good for me to grow up and learn to deal with conflicts MATURELY.
Right now I am having some anxiety about my health, and some resentments that I can't afford to keep running to the Drs and having this and that test all the time. I think that is the main reason I lament this age I'm at. It seems at this age things tend to break down, one right after another. My peers seem to suffer the same thing and i'm not unique in this. I just need to put the worry in God's hands.
I'm holding on to summer, realizing it will be gone in a flash. With the mosquitoes, I'm also enjoying the lightning bugs, or fireflies, or whatever they are called. With the terrible heat, I am enjoying splashing in the kiddie pool. With parts of my garden failing to thrive, I enjoy the parts that are thriving, and I look at the farm crops doing really well with some rain finally. With the dangerous winds and lightening, I enjoy seeing all the trees we've planting having a great growth spurt and looking strong. Working on seeing the glass as half filled.
With the pain this addiction has brought, I am seeing the huge blessings I have in that my H is not a complete jerk. He was for a long time, but he has changed, and is still changing. We are both still rough around the edges, but I can see, for me, I want to make more of an effort to make this a better marriage/relationship for us. This is huge, for me. For awhile there, I thought it should be all up to him. I'm losing the entitlement mentality. And I'm less afraid of investing in him.
So I am very blessed and grateful this evening.
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Post by whoami on Jul 25, 2007 20:58:28 GMT -5
Um. em I have not had a great day.
This caregiver is burning out.
This SO tries to connect with the SA, but my body is there, but my mind, and soul are somewhere else. Sometimes I want to just scream!
If any PA or SA can read this, just quit the damn lying and gaslighting. What you do is just awful pathetic, but your lying KILLS. Go ahead and do your thing but please don't lie to us.
Don't LIE, it's not nice It's not a virtue, it's a vice You can get away once, but never never twice Oh PLEASE don't lie , to meeee
I am ranting, venting, trying to keep this little journal attempt alive MAN I am burned out on caregiving!~
I am a wonderful caregiver. I should make caregiver of the year! especially specializing in an old woman who is complety NUTS
I am primary caregiver in I've spent the most hours and been there the longest. She became ill the first of this year, so others were called in to give her 24 hr coverage. As she got better, she "fired" the other caregivers and decided to keep me, and her favorite evening caregiver. Who is there over weekends, and makes half again as much as me by being there off hours.
This caregiver, makes bookoo more bucks than me, and gets paid for taking my client to movies the caregiver wants to see. She is a SLOB. It's like I'm the maid! I am so angry right now.
The client plays us against each other. At least she plays me against her. The client is a spoiled little rich old (expletive). All the other caregiver does is play with her, and leave messes for me to clean up. I am angry and I'm not sorry.
I am a nurse, for God's sake, but I needed an easier softer way. I need to re evalute myself.
I am so pissed off at myself at this moment. And H pops in to talk to me but I'm not here.
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Post by whoami on Jul 25, 2007 23:09:18 GMT -5
Well, the Eagle Has Landed. At least I hope it lands soon. I rented this movie on Netflix, and I ordered a whole bunch of man movies, trying to be good to the H.
I thought it had Peter O Toole in it but I was wrong, We both remember this movie tho, from way back.
It had Larry Hagman, Robert Duvall, Donald Sutherland, Michael Caine, but no Peter O Toole.
And it reminds me of wars, hell, corruption and immorality. Makes my problems seem pretty puny in comparison.
But a poor starving child in a 3rd world country may not be suffering as much as some of us tonight .
I am just thankful for the gift of freedom to watch a movie. And thankful for the choice to either detach or engage.
I am having survival guilt, yet i hurt at the same time too. Think I should take a little break
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 26, 2007 5:17:16 GMT -5
Question: Do both you and the other caregiver work for a common agency? If you do, I would not hesitate in voicing that the other caregiver is making your job more difficult for you.
Question: Whether you do or do not work for an agency, would any of these statements be helpful to you? a. (To the old woman when she "plays you" against the "other caregiver" by commenting about the other caregiver): I'm sorry. My focus here is your care. If you're not satisfied with the other caregiver, may I suggest you complain to the agency (or, if there's not an agency: May I suggest you take that up with her?). b. (To the other caregiver): I'm sure you don't mean to inconvenience me or to be rude. So I want to share with you that I am having trouble with (fill in the trouble: you stashing food in the roaster, you leaving a mess). Would you mind (fill in what you want: not putting food in the roaster, doing the dishes before you leave)? Thank you!
Footnote: Whether speaking to the agency (if there is one), the caregiver or the old woman, I would encourage you to be as ABSOLUTELY UNEMOTIONAL about the situation as possible. Your REACTIONS to the FACTS are not important to anyone (probably) except yourself. None of these people really care about you. You don't need to say to them, "I am a professional and you're treating me like the maid and that pisses me off." (You might WANT to say these things, but that's different! That's what we're here for! And I'm sorry you feel like the maid. I have these moments at my job, and it always pisses me off.) But I believe it is HIGHLY PROFESSIONAL to speak UNEMOTIONALLY to the facts. "Oh, I'm sorry, that's not my job." "Oh, your behavior is making my job more difficult. I'm sure you don't mean to do that. Please change your behavior."
I hope something in there is helpful to you. If not, that's cool too. Hang in there! In the meanwhile, here's a caregiver of the year award!
Images temporarily disabled by webmaster.www.mthband.com/images/trophy.gif[/img] YOU ROCK!!!! YOU'RE A GREAT CAREGIVER!!!! GO WHOAMI!!!! Grace and peace to you! J
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 26, 2007 8:21:06 GMT -5
This caregiver is burning out. This SO tries to connect with the SA, but my body is there, but my mind, and soul are somewhere else. Sometimes I want to just scream! It sounds like you don't feel emotionally safe at home or at work. That must be very frustrating. I wish I had some great advice. I know that feeling - I went through that the last 7 years I was with ex2. I love mayberry's ideas on how to word things - I'm often clueless how to say what I'm trying to say in a way that it has a chance of being heard. I'm not as fancy as mayberry, but here's my Awesome Caregiver and Wonderful Friend award for you: 2007 Caregiver/Nurse Best of the Best! Gold Medal Award I'm thinking outside the box. I don't know if this would work for you or not, but tossing out an idea. Is there any way you could cut back the hours you work - but work on weekends or possibly one or two evenings a week - so you get the extra pay? Then maybe you could make the same amount with less hours? Sorry you're hurting. LookingUp
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 26, 2007 8:26:02 GMT -5
Whoami: I missed your earlier post about your use of the boards & journal. Glad that thread got you thinking (it sure has ME thinking!).
Entitlement mentality: wow, strong words. It seems to me that there's something really worthy of exploration in your paragraph quoted above. Like you're aware of the blessings, and your aware of how you can be a blessing. That you're forgiving of yourself and of him. Like you are on the verge of renewed hope....
I don't know. Just wanted to call your attention to your own words from the post that contained that paragraph (don't remember the post #, sorry!).
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Post by creole on Jul 26, 2007 9:09:31 GMT -5
(((WHOAMI))))
Just got back from three weeks on the road and have read your journal. Belated birthday wishes--glad you enjoyed a carrot cake.
I so wish that I could see the lightning bugs. . .as a child, we would catch them and put em in a mason jar with holes punched in the lid. I remember running recklessly about at dusk, barefoot catching them. They were magic. . .I never believed my Grandmother or Daddy when they showed them to me in the daylight. Just an simple bug, but at dark, the magic began. Oh, and to dance in the grass when its raining. . .to see the glory of God's handiwork in the thunderstorm, feel his power in the wind. What a blessing!
With regard to having sex with your husband, I understand why you don't trust him; I understand the pain of rejection. In many respects, my H is of the same mindset as your H--at least the way he views sex with his wife. Please don't misunderstand me, but your H is at least attempting to reconnect with you on a sexual level. Please don't consider youself a failure, inadequate or less than the beautiful, intelligent woman that you are. And you ARE beautiful and intelligent! Age ain't nuthin but a number Hon, and God has wonderful blessings to bestow upon you. Life is a gift from HIM and it is to be enjoyed every day. . . .in spite of all the repressed anger, hostility and meanness from others that you encounter during that day.
You (like some others on this Board) are in my daily prayer requests. I use my quiet time in the mornings, drink my coffee, read my recovery affirmative literature, say my prayers.
Whoami, you are making remarkable recovery discoveries about yourself and your growth is apparent. I cannot tell you what to do, but I can and will affirm your efforts and your growth. Be the best Whoami that you can be each day! Don't be afraid to step out of that box you've been living in and into the life that is truly meaningful to you. Its never too late. . .
OK, I'll take my Pollyanna self back to my journal now!
Peace and blessings to you, today and always.
Creole
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Post by whoami on Jul 26, 2007 20:31:35 GMT -5
Thank you so much for my trophy and my medal! You ladies are just wonderful. This gesture has moved me almost to tears!
And Hi Creole, and Hugs back attcha! Thanks for your kind and understanding words. I read in your joural a bit today...your first page and last few, basically. We have things in common for sure, and I am going to try to comment in your journal tonight. H and I will be married 30 years in Feb, and I'm so relating to the What Now? What is this supposed to be like, what is normal? I sure welcome another friend in this journey, (I am feeling overwhelmed in friendship right now, as that has always been so hard for me, but overwhelmed in a very good way!) You are officially on my prayer list too, and everyone needs a Pollyanna once in awhile,lol!
Hi MS Mayberry! I remember that post, and will go back and look it over for the particulars. I don't remember it perfectly but I'm glad you saw something strong in it, and I agree, I have a real different outlook on things here lately. LU can probably remember how completely over the bend I was when I was new to these boards. I lashed out at everyone for anything. (I still have emotional outbursts but working very hard on controlling this). I had thought H and I had ironed out the P issues before we married....a year and a half later, it got discovered again (and I didn't know it then but now know there was physical infidelity going on too). But when I was hurt again over P a year and a half into the marriage, at a ripe old age of 25, he seemed to have a conversion, which I trusted in. Very stupid of me to trust in it, I know, but also very cruel of him for leading a double life and being such a complete jerk. It's all yadda yadda now, but I was a MESS when I got here, and my healing was delayed further by my sanon "leader" who was SA too, and had attraction issues with my H, and hatred issues towards me. I hope this makes some semblance of sense! It set me back, it put acid in my wounds.... It made me feel entitled to kick some major A$$. My anger was totally out of control, I still have bouts of uncontrolable anger, and I know this goes back to before I met my SA.
So thank you Miss May, for seeing the power in my words that sometimes are so hard to come up with. I'm trying to deal with the anger, I am slow in doing it, but yes, I do dare to hope. And that's largely due to you wonderful women! Our counseling experieces were pretty much jokes too!!
About my job....LU, I had so much of the evenings and weekends in my hospital stints, that this was a major draw for me, to be able to pick my own hours. All those evenings and weekends working were major acting out times for H. And even tho that is not so much a concern anymore, I just like having daytime hours as opposed to feeling like a vampire, and I like having weekends off! I got awfully burned out on the shift work after so many years of doing that.
I might have explained it wrong, about the client playing the coworker and I against each other. Client doesn't complain about the other caregiver, she holds her up like a shining beacon, like why can't I be like her? ( My supervisor and the other caregiver have suggested that it works both ways...she might be doing the same things to other caregiver too.)
But when she says "take me to my attorney soon, I want to leave my house to (the other caregiver, let's call her Sue), I am feeling that indeed she prefers the personality of Sue over me. I have reasons to believe that Sue knows how to milk the system. I have pretty strong hunches about Sue.
I don't dislike her, tho maybe I should. I did speak to my supervisor when Sue came on the scene, as she was charting things that were casting doubts (dispersions?) on me. It became obvious that Sue was a close personal friend of my supervisor, HA!!! But my super, being a professional, addressed my cncerns, and Sue is much more cooperative with me now. And like I say, I don't dislike her. I just don't like the dynamics with the client.
I try to be nonemotional with my client, but as my H says, she must have been hell on wheels when she was younger! She likes to humilate me in public, like when talking with her banker....I did break down in tears one time with her.
Mayberry I think it was you who said, they don't care about me. I know that is true, and am dealing with it being true. It's not about money to me, altho I am probably the one who needs some the worst. I think God is ok with me being a little resentful of Sue lapping up the playtime and making more money having fun. I am the one who takes care of the little old witch. I ask her to THINK about her behavior. I have told her I could always put in for a "transfer" if she thinks I'm so lacking. I'm kind of ripe for telling her that again, and then following thru...and adding that it might be a breath of fresh air to help someone who is capable of being grateful for my help, and my nice personality. All the clients previous to this one, were very capable of friendship and consideration. I just didn't get the hours I needed with them.
Talk about a rant!! I feel so self centered, but I guess this is the place to do it?! I am so spent right now, and the air outside is getting so much better. I want to go sit in the gazebo and watch the fireflies.
I will be back tomorrow (first day of my 3 day weekend!) and I will be much more in tune with yous. Yous are so awesome, Prayers, blessings and love to you all!
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Post by Mayberry on Jul 27, 2007 5:25:45 GMT -5
If I am hearing you correctly, you have told her how you wish to be treated and you have followed that up with a consequence: if you cannot treat me as I need to be treated in this professional relationship with you, then I will remove myself. I would strongly suggest you re-examine your words above. Do you already know what you need to do? What would you do if you weren't afraid of not finding a client with enough hours to meet your economic needs? If the fear factor is economic, what can you do to address it and take yourself to a better place? Of course, I respect whatever you need to do in this situation! I just want to call your attention to your own words. I know that one of the things I have learned here on the forum is that when one sets accountability standards--these are my boundaries and here are the consequences if you violate my boundaries--and the abusive person breaks those boundaries and we don't enforce the consequences, all Hades seems to break loose and a complict pattern of abuse/willingness to be abused seems to be set in motion. I am NOT saying that is what is happening in your life. I am calling your attention to your own words and encouraging you to reflect on this as honestly as you can stand to, given the economic circumstances. RANT: What is this crap with leaving her house to the other caregiver? Good golly Moses, the woman is INSANE! While nursing and caregiving do, at the core, mimic friendship and family relationships (you're taking care of someone in a fashion that used to be reserved for family and very close friends) that is NOT what this situation is. Neither of you are there for friendship with each other. "Sue" is not her daughter, to be willed a house or petted. Both you and Sue are her PAID CAREGIVERS. END OF RANT. Whew! Sorry about that!
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