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Post by whoami on Jul 2, 2007 21:21:25 GMT -5
Thanks so much Bee! And I love your friend's mom's quote. Is making me grin from ear to ear!
Thank you, thank you! I will try to keep up with your posts, I'm honored you've looked at mine.
Thank you, and God bless ya girl
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 3, 2007 4:34:06 GMT -5
I think you're a good communicator, too. I don't have trouble understanding what you're saying.
Glad you're feeling more positive today.
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Post by whoami on Jul 8, 2007 1:37:06 GMT -5
Just bringing this poor neglected journal back to life right now. For me. Just wish I had more to say about life than CRAP.
I just don't feel good, on so many levels. Prioritzing, again, the same old crap and needing to speak for myself and I don't know why it is so hard.
I just never knew I would end up this way, altho I was never a very optimistic little girl, but I never thought life would be this hard.
The poverty factor right now, is the roughest. I didn't get my BA or Masters, could never afford it. I have worked as hard as I can in nursing, but it's never enough. I love our acerage, but it is definately a handy man special that someone in their 20s or 30s should have taken on.
And I can't stop resenting him for taking me on a crazy path thru life. He thinks he's 30 I think, WTH?
I resent him for losing job after job because of his addiction. I resent that we don't have money for what this place needs, we can only have the RARE dinner out, to break the monotony of life.
I RESENT not getting kids or grandkids. So many people, regardless of whatever $hit they are going thru, have babies. babies, children! to even out the crap. I never got that. I resent it, and no one with kids knows, what a social hinderance this has been in my life. Not to mention...no buffer, no description of what real love is really like??
I know I need to getagripp, and I am trying. Maybe just not tonight.
What I know fer sure, is there is other richness besides the monetary kind. I have the access to richness, in my spirtual world, 24/7. And I have earth richness, my love of nature, given to me by my God.
And I have 7 acres of prime midwest land to sell when we're ready to move on down to the senior housing center. Ahem.. when WE are ready to move.
Damn it. I know he won't leave here, and he'll make me suffer for it. He'll do whatever the hell he wants, just like always, and forever. I've never had much of a choice. I need to get a spine, like Adnyl thought she did, and then look what happened to her.
Ah well, tomorrow is a new day.
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Post by whoami on Jul 8, 2007 2:34:38 GMT -5
And PS....the sexual intimacy issue.
He was acting out with strippers within a year and a half of marriage.
The thing was, see, is that he couldn't have sex with a woman he felt loving towards. He took the "vow" the "pledge", and all of a sudden, I became his substitute for the mother, the mother he NEVER had, the one who woudn't love him.....
It is SOOO too bad, we had such a great sex life before marriage. Best I'd ever had, and I'd had lots of experience. And I fell for Mr. Hyde.
As he is into RECOVERY, he is starting to want me again, and I just can't want him back. It is so ironic, I young and quite the "dish" but he chose $hit.
Way past bedtime for this babe he lost out on. Argh. one beautiful bozo signing off.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 8, 2007 4:20:01 GMT -5
(((((((((((((((((((((((((( whoami ))))))))))))))))))))))))
I don't think you're a bozo. You're a woman who had a selfish, addicted man who refused to hear her for so many years that she thought she'd lost her voice. Been there, done that, still know the pain of that. Still wonder if I "deserve" a voice after being told for decades that I didn't count and wasn't important... it's easy to start believing that about myself.
The 7 acres sounds wonderful. I imagine you have black dirt, too! I miss black dirt. I miss dirt! With dirt, people can actually grow gardens! We have rocks, rocks, and more rocks that are covered with soft moss in places and lots of blueberries. Walking off-trail is like walking on a trampoline because of the thick moss and short 3" tall blueberry plants - only have to be very careful or you'll turn your ankle on the millions of rocks with the millions of tree roots sticking out where they tried to find a spot between the millions of rocks to put their roots down. When a tree dies and falls over - instead of the root system going down - it spreads out like a big plate where the roots keep struggling to find their way around rocks! Don't get me wrong, the granite rocks and boulders are beautiful - but definitely not for gardening or farming. That's why food is so expensive - almost everything has to be brought in and our car is $275 each way for the ferry - so no idea what a semi would pay to bring produce on the ferry. Oh, gosh, I must be tired to get so off topic.
I have no idea how you'd feel not having kids or grandkids. After I was raped, the doctor said I couldn't have kids because everything was so damaged and I remember the pain of that loss. But I had two sons anyway - I believe God healed the damage to my ovaries. But I do know that resentment hurts you and it saddens me to see my friend hurting. Wish I could turn back the clock and change that.
I understand about the richness of the spiritual world outshining the material and monetary things. I'm so glad I love a God who is trustworthy - who isn't going to lie, gaslight, blameshift or belittle me. I'm so glad I discovered these gentle and kind qualities about Him on this side of heaven!
LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jul 8, 2007 12:58:51 GMT -5
{{{{{LU}}}} ty so much. And I tell, ya, if you really do get OT, I am right there with ya...I love "hearing" about where you live.
I had a boyfriend in school once, who said to me one time "You are just the most fatalistic person I have ever met!" Whammo, right out of the blue, I didn't even know what I had said to bring that on....I thought we were just having popcorn in front of the tv and having a nice time!
Well yikes, here it is again. I tend towards negativity. My father was a very negative person, I know I picked it up from him, there is no doubt.
I have SOOOOO many blessings to count. Why do I say, think and do the things I do? I don't think my dad even knew he had blessings to count. I don't want to end up like that.
So onward and upward, and I will work to remember the things I am learning. Let's see, anger, resentment, negativity.........progress not perfection, and I'm not going there alone, I have a great deal of help!
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 8, 2007 13:24:03 GMT -5
I understand about the negative stuff. I fight that so much and I often feel I'm loosing the battle. I don't want to be an 80 year old woman, rocking in my rocking chair on the front porch and having people pass by on the other side of the street so they don't have to say hi because I'll either be grumpy or so negative they can't stand me.
I can't understand how on one hand I realize I am sooooo very blessed - and still focus mostly on the negative. Must be genetic! Maybe God will change me to positive DNA if I ask? Now that hubby and I are communicating better, maybe I could ask him to catch me when I'm negative so I can start even recognizing when I'm that way. I think it's such an ingrained part of me that I don't always even notice it.
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Post by whoami on Jul 12, 2007 22:26:53 GMT -5
I really wish I could have titled this with something more dignified.
I want to run away from crap, but I seem to just re-create it in my life. And spread it around. I'm really feeling bad tonight.
I guess it's a tough row to hoe, for me. I see So's stating, if only I didn't have my kids, I would be unattached, and free to leave. This is hard for me to digest...if only I'd had a child, maybe I would have been motivated enough to get us both the hell out of this, long ago. And it's only tit for tat, I know.
I miss JohnG. I was only getting to know him, but I'd lurked around enough to know, he was quality, and he could help people like me. Too little, too late...but I miss the clarity and help I was just starting to get from him. Never thought I could learn from a P/SA, but I was starting to. And them POOF, he is gone And I wonder if I had anything to do with disgusting him off this place.
Talk about disgusting, oh, never mind....this too shall pass.
I have a resentment towards a certain SO, who seemed to love to humiliate me. I was raised on humiliation, maybe that is the trigger. She even made a post in a recovery thread I was trying to do, which was totally humiliating. I thought this jouraling was "safe" but I still have to be prepared to be a TARGET which just sucks.
I need to let it go. Everyone here has needs, which all boil down as love, and be loved. I just don't get why this has to be so hard! In my next life, I wanna come back as a .......That's a joke, haha. Im my next life, I wanna come back to what God created me to be. XOX
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 13, 2007 14:56:17 GMT -5
I'm really feeling bad tonight. I'm sorry you're hurting. I don't have any dependent kids and I'm still staying. I think there are others who aren't using kids as an excuse. I don't think you can get a man out of their addiction until they reach bottom and decide to quit. Maybe if you would have had a child he/she would have ended up like my youngest - an adult PA because he followed his bio-dad down that road to hell. Or maybe your husband's addiction would have turned to c/p and your child would have been hurt or molested. There's so many ways things can go when we try to fantasize what might have been. I use to ask what would have happened if I wouldn't have left ex. What would have happened had I left him years sooner. If I wouldn't have moved to another country. If I wouldn't have married my husband. If I wouldn't have had the brain injury. If I would have found a job after I married my husband so I could have built up more retirement. blah, blah, blah. But those aren't what happened - so they are fantasy. For me, when I start living in what-ifs or fantasy - it brings me right back to the feeling bad, sad and fearful about the now and the future. I doubt that. You're pretty tame, gentle and helpful. I have a couple SOs that I only read only after smearing butter on my glasses so I can't read all the words clearly - so I can make believe they are kind and generous in their replies. (I'm really kidding - but it's not a bad idea since I haven't put them on ignore.) I don't think they intentionally want to come across as mean, bossy, controlling and evil... but when they type, it's just like my abusive Mom is on the keyboard typing to me. I didn't know I was the only one who felt like that - thought I was unique. Guess I'm not! I'm older than you and I"m still trying to figure out why it has to be so hard. I guess because the devil is alive and well on planet earth and wants to make our live a living hell now because he doesn't get us in the afterlife. We'll be sitting on pink clouds and walking streets of gold and satan isn't invited to our party in the sky. so <pssst> (that's a raspberry) on him. I wanna come back as a bunny who gets to have sex hours a day! LOL. Okay, that's suppose to be funny. I think you already are. You're unique, special, loved, honored by God (even if people don't do that right), and there is not another person like you in the whole wide world. God threw away the mold after he made you. I'm sure if you ask God, that he'd say you're right exactly where he wants you to be for this time in your life... after all, He's in charge and we're just co-partners with Him. LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jul 13, 2007 18:50:55 GMT -5
Oh man LU, you are such a BEAUTIFUL person, and I thank you so much! You really know how to pick a person up from the doldrums! I don't know how to thank you enough.
And yes, you are right, I could have had a child, and H could have turned to CP, and the child could have been hurt by him in one way or another. I have thought that, very many times. And most of the time, I do feel a little "spared" of all the problems that come with parenthood. But it is a beautiful experience, having a baby, that sometimes it still chokes me up and I feel robbed of it. My skin is thin at times. Thank you LU, for helping it thicken up more today (if that's possible,lol) and help me think of my many blessings!
I had another MAJOR blessing last night. The SO I mentioned in the previous post, saw herself here (God is awesome, I tell ya) and she contacted me, and helped me worked thru it!!! She was so gracious, and I feel so so so much better. (And Beautiful Lady, if you see this, I thank you so much again.) I do have problems with resentments of so many people and things....and I know well how they just "block out the sunshine of the Spirit." I fight hard to not do this to myself. This lovely woman gave me an experience I've rarely had before, one of compete forgiveness, enlightenment, and understanding. I mean, as usual, I just don't have the words to describe how much this helps.
I also saw in her, in just sharing her own experience, strength and hope, some things in ME to work on. Lightbulb moments... I can hardly hope to be sane, if I'm neglecting my body as bad as I do. I am making some physical goals, here! Lord knows what has taken me so long, but something just rang true, that I am tuning into. I need to take care of my body if I expect to be able to think straight!
Oooo I'm rambling, but LU, I'm not hurting today! And I hope you're not either. I am so honored to have some loving SOs in my life! (My sanon experience was such a letdown, but again, I ramble.)
Thank you God for this place!!!
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 13, 2007 19:01:17 GMT -5
I'm so glad you've been validated by the SO. I'm glad you've had complete forgiveness, enlightenment and understanding. You don't have to put it into words - those of us who have received that blessing already know; other's would be clueless even if it COULD be put into words! I was in my late 40s before that started happening to me. It seems each time that wonderful experience happens and another person touches my pain and heels a part of it - it's like it erases ten or twenty times the amount of hurt that had previously happened.
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Post by whoami on Jul 15, 2007 21:17:39 GMT -5
Well here i am, back in my crap journal. Pathetic title, but apt , I think for this addiction. Full of it, completely. It's hard to wrap my brain around the fact that porn is so "accepted" adultry is tolerated, the "normies" of this world aren't even effected by the stuff we are going thru. You can't even go into a barber shop to get a hair cut without this $hit being thrown on ya? What a bunch of crap.
My time now, to free associate...(at least they used that term in the early 70s, and I could realte, lol)
Another weekend biting the dust. It was 60% hard work and maybe 40 % play. We need play, badly. We took our boat up the Mississippi today, for I think the second time this summer. We used to go every weekend. I think it was Kim Marie who said we need vacations here, all of us....ditto KM!!
It was beautiful, the lilly pads were blooming, the weather was great, we didn't get sun burned, the dog was not traumatized, ( we treated her like a queen, what else is new?)
On TV and movies, pelicans look so grey, and ugly. The pelicans here, are gorgeous! Sparkling white with black under the wings, and their flight patterns are just awesome. It was a special treat today, as one was hunting and hit the water directly in front of us, could see how it used it's feet for brakes. Just love that stuff!
So, am winding down the day....a Prodigal returned to us today, and I want to serve the fatted calf. He fell, but he has helped me understand how bad it feels to fall, thus helping me understand my own H and the hell he went thru for years, not WANTING to so much, as being driven to it. Helps me know the lying gaslighting bastid couldn't help it. I have recieved great insight here.
My health is questionable right now, but mentally, spritually, emotionally I'm doing ok.
Tomorrow after work I meet with old friend, BF in HS who left me when I was 16 to go off to college. And broke my heart, but then I got over it.
I talked about it on the partner's board. I think some think I'm crazy and asking for trouble. I'm afraid that some people might be mad, or disrespect me for going thru with it.....
But I think I overdramatized it on my initial post....because I was feeling my H might be stuffing his feelings about it, and get his revenge....I have been disabused of that notion. It's not that serious! I have no romantic feelings for this friend, if he tries to create any according to his own agenda, I am quite capable of disabusing that too.... I can take care of myself.
I only wish my H had held hands with those other women......instead of the disgusting things he did with them.
I will handle my Don Juan, my little Casanova just fine. And I'll have fun doing it. He was that way as a kid, nothing has changed....and it amuses me. He is Don Juan? Is to every body, why I broke up with him!!
I have H's blessing, he knows friend is just a friend. I have nothing but fun and affection invested. It's weird how some may think I have an ulterior motive. I don't. If we were "normies" not having this addiction problem, would this be such a big deal???
Arrrg, maybe it would be an even bigger deal? Am thinking of the silver linings to this thing...
well now, good night, and this whole board is in my prayers.
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 15, 2007 21:28:25 GMT -5
I could almost enjoy your travel down the river with you - what an awesome day to play. I'm glad you had fun. I loved the word pictures you painted of your day. Your dog sounds terrific. I miss having a family pet - but I have Pru (my stuffed moose).
I hope you have a good time with your friend tomorrow.
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Post by whoami on Jul 17, 2007 18:22:36 GMT -5
Happy Birthday to me...54 years today of dealing with the crap of this world...and still kickin
I got a taste of a mob mentality today, not such a nice bday gift, but like everything else, it was educational if you chose to look at things that way. I asked for opinions in a Controversial thread, didn't mean to make it a contenscious thread, but it turned that way, and I am just BAFFLED at how people react in society. It's like the childhood "telephone game" really. The replies were honest (which I wanted) and mostly kind, but then things got mean. I thought I had addressed mistakes I had made in my original post, when I was too grandiose in using the words "beautiful" and "desired". I tried to explain, and re explain my H's feelings were important, that I want love and desire only him.
And it's been a tough bday reading that I don't even know how to word a post correctly, that I'm seeking intimacy from someone other than my H, that what I did my meeting with an OLD OLD bf was akin to adultry.....
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am the one who wants to destroy my marriage!? OY! the irony... Ah well, people will go where they want to go. It's apparant that some repliers didn't read the whole thread, which I am guilty of myself sometimes, so I can't blame that, and it's starting to make me laugh a bit at least.
I'm sure the bday cake my H has for me will taste better very soon.
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Post by EA on Jul 18, 2007 0:33:07 GMT -5
I didn't know it was your Birthday...I hope you have had a wonderful day.
XXOO
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