Some random musings, more rambling than usual, I would wager
Um, the new water softener works so much better than the old one ever did. It feels like such luxury! Last night at our couple's dinner, one of the guys was saying they lost power from the ice storm for 4 days (it's worse in town for that) but they still had hot water from their gas water heater. Out here we lose water when we lose power, as the well pump is electric, so it's moot that the water heater is electric too.
If not for our softener, and other various filters (even for the outdoor water) the water comes out brown, smelly, and very hard. I'm not sure if that's from the old pipes or what. I suspect our well water (sand point) is not the best. We have an RO machine for drinking water and coffee.
So I know I'm not the most observant person in the world, but I noticed the advertisement for water heaters at the top of this thread, and the one for a quilter's guild on the top of Lookingup's. I was aware of this 6 months ago or so, when my attitude was Oh So What. I kind of freaked about it a few nights ago, the subject matter of this board being what it is. How do they do that?! How beyond me computer technology is! Ignorance can be bliss!
Sometimes I feel like this Paxil withdrawing experience creates a sort of high of it's own. Have these out-of-body sensations at times, like I'm watching myself from above or from 20 ft away. I startle very easily, and when that happens it hurts a lot physically. The "ear noises" and the pains in my body are causing a lot of non high-like concern. Will they go away when I'm done? Do I have lupus, fibermyalgia, a brain tumor???
Of course there is the panic and the paranoia too. And it occurs to me that these were part of the reasons I took the drug in the first place. (I was being gaslighted, of course ). I don't feel the gaslighting now and so have hope the panic and paranoia will dissapate. If not, I will have to deal with them! I have these mini bouts of depression right now, but WOW, how much shorter in duration than when I drank! And I surprise myself, to realize how much I am looking forward to having this drug out of my system, and just be ME! I may even learn to like WhoIam!!
There is some sadness, that I can't do this rigorous honesty at AA meetings, like others seem to be able to. I'm sure it's not easy for anyone to be themselves and totally honest...but being my H's SO is something I can't share at meetings. It is hard, because it has been such a part of my life, for so MUCH of my life, like about 3/5ths of it! I'm always afraid of what might spill out...and I get stressed over speaking at mtgs anyway. I just keep praying, and asking, and I do know this thing will be dealt with in upcoming Steps, and I will learn how to share elsewise in meetings.
Similarly, I feel weird that I'm not contributing much about my SO life on this board right now. I'm thankful for the patience and understanding of my Circle members. I need this whole place, even when I'm not in active SO dealing mode!!
If I could speak to that (not too good at speaking to anything right now
) I would share a thought. I've been thinking about how at our wedding, there was scripture about how we are joined into "one flesh." At my mom's funeral, there was also reference to this combining of flesh, probably as validation for my dad, in how death of a spouse feels like one's flesh is ripped assunder. Probably about how one feels... it would have felt way easier, to just lose an arm, or something....(ok, I think maybe I'm getting in too deep for myself
, but I think this addiction does this to all of us couples, too...it messes with what got joined together. At least, that's how it felt to us)
It may take a long time to "put all the pieces back." Maybe not all the pieces come back, and you are left with an empty place where your "arm" used to be...and there can be a big empty hole where your dreams used to be,
but if recovery is true and complete, we are going to be so much better off than we were before, such better people! It has to be worth it, all the hard work, for either the addict or SO. Even if we lose the other halves of ourselves...recovery is so worth working for. I am grateful for this whole board and it's members, who help me keep keeping on. (Occasionally, even in a back handed way, but even that can help!)
I need to give up on making a whole lot of sense, or understanding things, or REMEMBERING things, for awhile yet. But surrendering it takes some of the tension away. I'm riding this OUT! And it's been a beautiful day here with H (for the most part anyway, he came upon a bad accident and that was awful). I love the man, he loves me, and life is good today
Oh, gee whiz. Was going to post a picture of our recent ice storm, but now I remember...no images for awhile yet! Hmmm, maybe I could study how to make a link. (Good thing H doesn't mind studying with me, so my brain won't explode, hee
)