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Post by whoami on Jun 25, 2007 21:35:45 GMT -5
This whole addiction thing is just crap, yes?
I try to put my efforts anywhere but investing in my H again. I know he is trying but I just can't really invest in him. I don't want to get hurt again, he broke the trust, I can't be intimate with him anymore, tho I wish I could. I love him but like a brother...and I know he looked at me like his evil mother. And she WAS really evil. Ding dong, the witch is dead.
And I try to invest myself in work. It's a meaty job which doesn't pay for squat, oh, but I have come up a bit from when I started as a nurse's aid in 1969, $1.50 an hour. blech
And I'm not uneducated, I'm just getting old and tired. And definately getting porky since d day, when I could only throw up for months, then I started eating to self medicate
Yadda, Yadda......
My HP is with me, I know and I don't mean to be unappreciative, but I have a client who is squirrly as hell, and getting worse, and sometimes I wish I could just die in my sleep. And I wish I was 18 again.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 26, 2007 9:16:22 GMT -5
You're going through a lot, whoami. Any way you can prioritize the problems.... then you can work on the main stressor and put the others on the back burner until they get to the top of the list? Can you get a new client who's not so squirrly? What about a new career?
I understand the wish I could die in my sleep -- stress can do that to us. I'm glad I usually wake up the next morning ready to handle life again. I would HATE to be 18 again... I'd like to look like I did then... but no way would I want to have to go through the last 40 years again. Makes me nauseous and shudder just to think about it. I'm sure I'd make the same stupid mistakes again... because the school of hard knocks is the only way I seem to learn.
LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jun 26, 2007 11:06:45 GMT -5
Thanks LU, as usual, you have me thinking more rationally, and thinking about prioritizing this stuff. I don't have it all organized yet, but I will try to do it on this board. What's nice is, the addiction thing isn't in the top 3 priorites, if I am to be honest. It just keeps coming back to bite me in the butt, but I think I need to work on other things first.
1. Just the general fatigue and why? I'm getting some blood tests this friday, maybe my antidepressant needs adjusting? I definately need more exercise but it's so hot out, but I do have an exercise bike....I need to take better care of myself, I need to explore this more. 2. This little hut on the prairie REALLY stresses me out, and our lack of funds for the help it needs, and the constant busyness on both our parts this time of year, and the HEAT, arrrrggg. And the worry about the future of it and us. It's a love/hate thing, I love it out here but it's so much work. 3. The job, the client.....It's just too much work to even think about changing careers, and it would break the client's heart if I quit her. But I know I'm in max stress mode right now, and maybe when the summer stress lessens I can give this more thought. I'd really like to retire but that wouldn't help much with priority 2. It's very day to day in this job anyway, since they may die at anytime. 4/ The relationship. I'm just so flat about it. I wish it could be better but I'm just too tired or lazy to work real hard at it. I'm coasting too. Maybe that's ok, I don't know.
Thanks for this. I'm going to work on this, but right now I guess I should get to work on some of the other crap!
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Post by creole on Jun 26, 2007 11:38:25 GMT -5
Hi Whoami, (((HUG))) In the time I've been here, you have been under so much stress and living with such unhappiness. Glad to see you've started journaling. It can be a good thing for you! I try to put my efforts anywhere but investing in my H again. I know he is trying but I just can't really invest in him. I don't want to get hurt again, he broke the trust, I can't be intimate with him anymore, tho I wish I could. I understand and appreciate your efforts and your feelings. I think any SO can. Been there, felt that and am still struggling and trying to move forward. One of the things that I have done which has helped me for the last 2+ years since D-day is finding this Board and journaling my thoughts and feelings. The counseling has helped me too. And I try to invest myself in work. It's a meaty job which doesn't pay for squat, oh, but I have come up a bit from when I started as a nurse's aid in 1969, $1.50 an hour. blech And I'm not uneducated, I'm just getting old and tired. And definately getting porky since d day, when I could only throw up for months, then I started eating to self medicate Self-medicating to avoid the reality, the feelings and the pain is common. I am guilty of self-medicating with work, horses, alcohol, tobacco and at one time, drugs; I still medicate with my wine and tobacco but not to the extent that I previously did and I am much more aware of my feelings when I take that drink and whether I am doing it to alleviate anger, bordeom, etc.. Mea culpa, mea culpa. There are also time when I feel old and tired, especially when my H or my family wants to re-visit and re-run the same old tapes, with the disfunctional behaviors. Its hard to step out, but I believe that you can. Like LU suggested, I think that priortizing is a good idea. Please be sure to put yourself, your wants, needs and goals at the top of that list. Writing your goals, etc. in your journal can be a good thing. . .after giving so much of our own power away, regaining personal power is so encouraging, and one way to do that is to journal. By writing your goals you empower yourself. My HP is with me, I know and I don't mean to be unappreciative, but I have a client who is squirrly as hell, and getting worse, and sometimes I wish I could just die in my sleep. And I wish I was 18 again. Don't know if I could have come as far as I have without my HP. I also understand about wanting to die. So much pain, rejection, guilt and shame. Its hard to get shed of those. but it can be done. As for being 18 again, don't think I would do it. . .I like myself so much better now! Wishing you the best, today and always. Peace and blessings, Creole
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Post by whoami on Jun 26, 2007 17:37:25 GMT -5
Hi Creole, thanks so much for your response. Goals, I think I really suck at them in my personal life! At work, and when I was a student goals are no brainers, but when I try to set them and work on them in my personal life, I seem to get stuck.. I can put down things on paper but when it's time to work towards them I seem to spin my wheels. It is a very unproductive procrastination thing I really need to work on.
I am pretty much like you are with the self medicating, the past drug use, the alcohol getting better but still a part of me. I've been off tobacco for a few years, but find it hard to stay off the nicotiene gum or lozonges for very long. (my spelling is awful here, sorry) When crisis occurs or terrible anger, a cigarette is the first thing I think of. And of course I smoked for a little while after d day. I have had my slips with that. You must ride, or train, or own or treat horses?
I felt sad that I come off as always under stress, and unhappy. I've started to think of myself as much happier this last year or so, but I do have a hair trigger temper and such various and sundry strange moods! I know we need to self examine, and analyze ourselves as part of our recovery. I know I'm going to have to do that more someday. Right now the idea just poops me out thinking of it. I want to chock my moodiness up to the crazy making ness of d day, and also the changing hormones at my age. And I can tell ya fer sure, the unhappy discovery at d day has left me with a very strong sense of entitlement, which is wrong wrong wrong, but according to some sanon literature, is quite normal for us SOs. I've gone from whimpy passive to crazy agressive, and need to find that middle ground.
As for the stress, I know, H knows and I think God knows I'm much better at handling it than I used to be. It used to feel like I was born without a spine...I do and have had some panic issues. And I've been thinking of that a lot lately. There are so many kids out there with the ADD and ADHD stuff, and I think I had some of that when I was a kid, maybe a lot of it! They just didn't have a name for it back then. Not so much the trouble with attention, but I sure was really hyper. I don't think the people who are around me see me as having any trouble handling stress, but I think I hide it pretty well. It's just here where I can be real, that I feel it's safe to complain about things! I I I I feel so self centered in journaling! But I know it can help. Ty again Creole for reaching out. Hugs, peace and many blessings back to ya!
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Post by aslan on Jun 26, 2007 18:12:34 GMT -5
Just a quick thought if you don't mind. You don't need to rush to find that middle ground. It will come naturally especially as others start to get, really get and see the change. You have a powerful message to give people about who you are, what you stand for and what you deserve in your life. If it takes crazy agressive to get there, that's perfectly okay.
I am also seeing this sort of change in my wife. Yeah, she could shout a lot in the past but these days it is all about standing up for herself. I am getting her message and yeah, it is coming out in crazy ways at times. And yeah, I find it hard to deal with but that is simply because it is unfamiliar to me. At the same time, I like what I am seeing. My wife standing up for herself. Awesome really.
Take care.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 27, 2007 5:58:09 GMT -5
I try to set them and work on them in my personal life, I seem to get stuck.. I can put down things on paper but when it's time to work towards them I seem to spin my wheels. I can soooooooo understand that. I really struggle in this area, too. I have made NO progress on the book I'm writing. ChooseLife has a great thread on Procrastination. I posted on that for a while and it helped me - as long as I participated there. When you're ready to do that and if you're interested, I'd be glad to give you the list of questions that I got from 12-step for Step 4. There are over 100 questions and it took me over 2 years to journal through them all. But I felt I really got to know myself doing them. It also helped me realize I wasn't all defects! LOL. I really hadn't known that before doing those questions. It has some interesting questions - something like "How did your parents feel about discovering they were pregnant with you?" I've blamed hormones for decades. I did that a few weeks ago and it was like God yanked my chain - told me to not discount my emotions by blaming them on hormones. That I was entitled to my emotions because they were a gift he gave humans; however, I wasn't entitled to be verbally abusive to others because of my emotions. I was like "WOW!" For me, I think part of blaming hormones was another way to apologize for disappointing my mother by being born female. It will happen in time. For me, it started happening when I realized: (1) I deserved to be heard - even if nobody would listen. (2) I could word things in a way that any reasonable person could understand - but addicts and dysfunctional people would probably choose to misunderstand. (3) When I realized my words were spoken for me to state my truth and not for Co-D purposes - to manipulate, hurt, bolster somebody else. Congratulations! That's terrific. Glad you have a safe place - glad I get to know you, too. I think you're journal is very self-caring in a healthy way. LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jun 27, 2007 19:28:44 GMT -5
Wow, this is so great of you guys, thanks so much! I will look for Chooselife's thread on procrastination, I do have a huge problem with that.
And LU, you said you realized " I could word things in way a way that any reasonable person could understand." Bingo, you sure can!! And part of my frustration right now is that I have seen to have lost my writing skills, maybe my verbal ones too. It frustrates me!
I had the one and only IQ test done by a therapist many years ago, that I can remember anyway. Maybe one was done once when I was a young child because they were trying to figure out why I was such a nervous nelly... I am very strong on one side of my brain, and H is strong in the opposite side...not that I have his IQ test to prove it, but because it is so obvious, for both of us...we complement each other in making up gaps in the other's weak side brain, it should have worked real well, yes?
Not really! Could it be that his lying, his addiciton for so many years has weakened my verbal brain? The many years of trying so hard to communicate with him, and thinking maybe we reached an understanding, but then he proved out he didn't understand...any passage of time later. Or he couldn't remember the conversation? All the gaslights goin on? I dunno, it just feels like I've been reduced to some moron saying things almost as bad as Homer Simpson's "where is that round thingy on a stem, you know, the thing you use to scoop up food?" Yikes.
I have some trouble understanding my severely mentally ill client, but she seems to understand me perfectly. Now how scary is that?
I'm tired, I'm lazy too I'm sure. I'm tired of hurting. I don't want to be unhappy. I believe God and I have the power to help me be happy. Sometimes I don't want to go back and look at all the issues again. I've been a therapy jumper since I was 19 ( so yes, I need to heal me first.) One guy actually fell asleep on me, when I was hurting over the issue of not getting babies. He appogized that his kids kept him up the night before. I've had a lot of Nimrod thereapists!
The last therapist I've seen was about the disclosure issue, and the relationship. H and I saw her jointly, either together, or alone. She seemed to be really impressed by how "self aware" I am. She made mistakes with H tho, and that was not helpful, and disappointing especially after my sanon stint, Man, that one really hurt, and probably added to my Homer Simpson-ness. ( not that I watch that anymore but at one time I thought it was funny.)
I've been a 12 stepper for a few years too, not just because of H's addicition but a few of my own... and the alanon things with my dad. I've decided my favorite slogan is, keep it simple, stupid.
I am a simple woman. Not simple minded, but I cherish the simple joys in life. I'm kinda tearing up now.
LU, I think I will be ready for your 4th step help about mid Sept....when things and nature mellow out. Thanks so much, And I'm blessed to know you too.
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Post by LookingUp on Jun 28, 2007 5:50:16 GMT -5
And part of my frustration right now is that I have seen to have lost my writing skills, maybe my verbal ones too. It frustrates me! I don't think you have. I think what happens is they play so many addict head-games that we start believing we can't communicate worth a pile of dog poo. It's just one more way their addiction tears us down. I have no trouble reading your posts and easily understanding what you're saying. But, I have a feeling that if your husband would read them - they would go through his addict filter and he'd respond so you thought they were confusing, misleading, unclear, blah, blah. I'm starting to realize it's not me or my communication skills - it's because he's yanked my chain so many times with his addict talk that I started to loose faith in my ability to communicate. I'll be on vacation. Hopefully I can hand them to you in person. I'm blessed to know you. LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jun 29, 2007 18:46:50 GMT -5
Yowza what a week. TGIF
Think I'm ready to reprioitize my priorities. Not that I have the energy to look for a new job, but maybe I could "put in for a transfer" and look for another client or clients. That's not easy because I have to drive so far to the city, and a lot of the gigs are just 2-3 hr sessions, and I would need a bunch back to back, to make the drive in pay off. And it's a lot to ask the staffers to do. But 8 hrs a day with this poor gal is really taking a toll on me....
I did have the back to backs until last summer, when that all fell apart. So I went on a leave of absense that lasted 2 weeks, and they found me this poor (driving me batty) lady. I would take a leave again, but if it lasted too long, how the h would the bills get paid?! GAK!
I need to vent. It's safe to do that here I hope, and going to trust. This support board is breaking my heart right now. First there is this troll thing going on, which is scary since it's so covert, and it makes me just sick that people would do this. Just like the sickening "DR" and how can people be so seriously demented?!
Second thing (gulp) there is this thread going on in the partners board that has been making my stomach burn all day. There are so many hurting SOs on it, and I feel blamed and convicted, that I don't know how to support them. I suspect that I haven't experienced the particular hell they have been thru, for one....
Most of these beautiful women have supported me, and not knowing how to support them makes me feel like crap....but (gulp) it also makes me feel angry, too, that someone is trying to tell me how to feel, and how to act.... With my own SA, my father and many others, I was so trained to not trust myself, my own instincts and intuitions, that my hackles just rise when someone is trying to tell me how to think, or feel.
I appreciate useful information, but I resent being told how to act. I don't know what else to say. And maybe I shouldn't have said this much...
I have this kooky friend who is a recovering crack addict. She comes up with some kooky slogans "when in doubt, don't" which I just did, by posting this!!! But I'm not a child anymore, altho my H still wants to treat me like one sometimes and my crazy client often does. I can think for myself! Or at least I need to learn to, and I just don't want to jump on any bandwagons. And I wish I could support others without selling myself out, or lying, about how I want to live my life.... my own way.
Ah well, I am wishing all members here peace. It's a beautiful evening, I think I will go out to the gazebo and have a beer, or two. Hee
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 1, 2007 6:10:50 GMT -5
Hi whoami,
I just read your post on the partner's board and this post. I'm glad you feel safe to let it all out.
I think you've offered great support throughout the years I've been here. I was rather surprised that you don't feel that way about yourself... but presume all of us go through times we don't feel that way for one reason or another.
I'm sorry you're feeling controlled by words you read on the screen. I understand how the title could be triggering - it is telling us we should be angry. I didn't feel anger; just deep frustration and sadness of what humanity is doing to humanity - especially innocent children. But after reading your reply - I understand how that post is NOT supportive for helping SOs heal and could cause great pain to women who had been molested or raped and hadn't worked through that yet. That shows your compassionate heart.
Women who choose to stay in anger and revenge; I accept that is an option. I feel sad for people who stay there for years or decades after they've learned the skills to work through it and find peace. It takes so much energy and it saps our bodies of self-nurturing and self-healing. There are times I need to expend my energy for experiencing anger because it helps motivate me; but most of the time I try to feel the anger, work through it, make changes in my life, and quickly get back to experiencing peace. It's not an easy task I've set for myself to do that. Anger is such a "normal" reaction and it was one of the only emotions my mother ever exhibited - so I see anger as feminine. I've had to reprogram my brain for what I define as feminine rather then using what I saw as a kid.
I so understand this. As an adult child - I still feel my best will never be good enough to please my mother. That I'll never make decisions that will gain me any approval. But I see that in my adult children, too... as a parent to a young one, I had to help them learn to analyze life and try to pick the best option how to proceed. If you pick up your room now - you can enjoy going to the pool this afternoon - typical parental stuff. But the way the world works - now they both have said how they still feel that maternal control trying to seep into how they perceive and react to the world. Maybe if we'd all just come into the world full-grown with a socialized computer chip it would be an easier world to live in and feel comfortable about our own decisions. I certainly understand what you're talking about; and I think it's part of the human condition.
I've talked to people who've had parents who didn't try to teach them how to view the world and make wise choices. They are just as hurt as me - who felt controlled for decades by my mother's expectations. They figure they weren't loved because they weren't indoctrinated with ideas and suggestions to make it in the adult world.
I've never doubted that you can and do. You've contributed some wonderful support, caring and nurturing to others.
I care. I hope the two beers on the gazebo bring you peace.
LookingUp
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Post by whoami on Jul 1, 2007 21:33:18 GMT -5
Thanks so much LU. I am weepy right now, but will be off to the land of Nod soon.. I care too! TY, and xoxo
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Post by LookingUp on Jul 2, 2007 12:22:24 GMT -5
Are things going better today?
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Post by whoami on Jul 2, 2007 20:15:18 GMT -5
Yep, LU, ty! I'm ok.
Just realizing my communication problems may be worse than I feared....I don't seem to be able to talk much about my own feelings until I'm ready to blast off into outer space. Definatley not good. Definately not productive. And it sucks to feel like I am again, as always, misunderstood. Sucks the bag, man lol,
Sooo, I need to go reprioritize my priorites. Or add one! I need to not try to communicate when I feel angry. Like the dog going back to his own vomit, I seem to never learn. Maybe that should be priority one.
H is nurturing right now. REALLY being nice, and patient with me. I need to learn how to do that. That's all for tonight.
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Post by beehappy on Jul 2, 2007 20:56:04 GMT -5
I use a quote from my best friend's mom..... "listen - I don't need to qualify for your program" I am glad you are feeling better today. I read (and posted) on the thread you were concerned about on the SO board. I didn't think you had "communication problems" in the least. Just wanted you to know - - you don't have to "qualify" for anyone's program but your own. Trust yourself and know that it is OK to express how you feel at any given moment.
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