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Post by hopeflows on Aug 2, 2007 8:40:24 GMT -5
Hi Whoami It's so nice to see that your h reacted the way he did yesterday. It must have felt a bit strange, yet comforting. I hope the rest of your day was good.
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Post by whoami on Aug 2, 2007 15:43:16 GMT -5
Hope and May, thanks for your positive support!!
I don't know if this will be a rant or a vent, but whatever it is, it is needing to come out...
I am feeling mean and nasty today about my client and my company. I hope they have trouble with the transitioning. I hope my shoes will be hard to fill. I hope they realize what they had, and what they lost.
That's terrible, I know. But I can't help it right now. I'm not going to act on this. I have written out things a new caregiver would need to know, from where I hid all her tax info (from the imaginary neice) to the date of her next pedicure at the senior center. I put the info in an envelope and will ask my H to drop it off at the office on his way to work tomorrow. Along with her house keys.
But I still would like to see them squirm and stuggle. I know this is WRONG WRONG WRONG. But I also know I'm human and hopefully this too shall pass.
H is trying to talk me into reinstating my nursing license and get a real paying job. I had let it expire, wanting to wean down to a less stressful semi-retired sort of job. What I'm realizing is that I have really been used, and it's making my head spin. I LET myself be used, how sick am I?!?
So I can't come anywhere close to retired yet, so why not make some real money? This makes sense, but then again, I just hated the hospital and nursing home scene, and I loved caregiving, at first.
Maybe I can find a job in a med office, altho I hate drawing blood. And here I am again, wishing I could find something I feel comfortable with, and H saying why work at all if you don't make the best money you can. We went round and round for years over this thing. BLECH
I don't know, maybe he's right. All I know is I kind of wish I COULD be really retired. But I think another week of being home and I'll be ready to pound the pavement again, or do the red tape to renew my license. I am asking God about it, I promise I am. But I'm doing a lot of head banging today. But it's been pretty preductive nonetheless and I do like having the time to be here before H comes home.
Maybe I could work from home?? LOL...insurance exams or some such thing. Hmmmm
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 2, 2007 16:07:25 GMT -5
She ragged on me the whole 10 minutes I was there. I fired waring shots. I said Please Don't This. She kept at me like a dog on a bone. Wow! That is terrific. I am glad you refused to stand there and let her continue to verbally abuse you. Glad you're feeling good about your choices. That's great. That's terrific. I'm so happy he validated what you were going through and was supportive. Sounds like he's come quite a way in his own recovery - to be able to empathize with you.
I am feeling mean and nasty today about my client and my company. I hope they have trouble with the transitioning. I hope my shoes will be hard to fill. I hope they realize what they had, and what they lost. I think it's pretty normal to have those thoughts. I think that is part of letting go of the disrespect they have shown you - part of healing. That's good. I try to take the high road - just because that seldom comes back and bites me in the butt with more problems! Wow! That's really generous. I think you're pretty normal. People who use others slowly suck others into that "being used" dynamic - because you're a trusting, gentle person who would't use others intentionally - you don't see it coming. Then you realize you're over your head. I quit/got fired from 3 jobs in about 5 years because of that dynamic. I would keep thinking if I could just anticipate their needs better - then things would be great and they'd stop raging on me. That is often the American way - money and stuff is priority. It sounds like job satisfaction is more important to you. If he bugs you about doing a job you may hate, maybe you could just tell him that since it's your life you'll be spending on whatever job you choose - that you'll get it figured out in your own timing. Thank him for caring and then refuse to engage in that topic. If he asks, just tell him you're thinking it through. I wish I would have done that 15 years ago with ex2 - but instead I tried to be the "dutiful" wife and about ruined my physical and emotional health doing the jobs he wanted - the ones with the bigger incomes and better perks. I'm thinking of hopeflows journal - where daisy reminds her that she's at a place in life that she has a blank canvas to re-invent herself, to plan new goals and hobbies. It sounds like you're in a similar place. Well, I'm kinda there, too - since we're retired now and I need to find something to spend my life on. I'm clueless, too. Are there any medical-field support boards that would have other people checking out similar fields and qualifications that might give you ideas of what would be a good job for you? LookingUp
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 2, 2007 17:11:48 GMT -5
You could put some feelers out there, whoami, and see what's available in your area. Working as the exam nurse for an insurance company came to my mind as well. There's also HospiCe, and home health care nurses. Some people also hire nurses privately to come in and care for their elderly parents or perhaps a sick child. I know some health facilities, like an exercise place, they also sometimes hire nurses to work part time taking people's vitals before, during, and after a workout. I think "floating" nurses are always in demand too. Just some thoughts that came to mind
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Post by EA on Aug 2, 2007 18:06:50 GMT -5
I don't know if there are regulations about private care in your area or not but I know part time care for a loved one here it is somethng that a lot of people need.
I have a friend that looks after an old lady one day a week to give the daughter a rest day, a disabled teen for one night a week to give the parents some private time and an elderly husband one day every second so the elderly wife can get her hair done and go out to lunch and play cards with other old people.
Maybe that sort of thing would suit you, she started off with just the elderly husband then other people heard about her but you could advertise in your local paper. Some families can't afford daily help but they need to have a break now and then so you could be a vital life line for them.
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 3, 2007 5:32:46 GMT -5
Hah! Good for you for writing out that stuff for your former (INSANE) client's next caregiver. It was RIGHT and PROFESSIONAL and CHARITABLE and RESPONSIBLE and some more other good words! And don't beat yourself up too much over the desire for your former woes (that you tried to get help from your company with) being visited upon the next caregiver! (I'd suggest you try not linger there too long.) I suspect that is not about your actual wish for someone else to have problems, but for a (belated) recognition from your company about how much hell you had to go through with the client.
But did I miss something? Is the company letting you go? I think I've read every one of your recent posts, and I came away with the feeling (I think you said "soon to be former company") that you & your company were also parting ways? Sorry to be the clueless friend here; my eyes must've missed something!
I agree with LookingUp's formulation that one's work should not be, first & foremost, about money. Do any of the local churches have a health ministry? Have you ever thought about being a "parish nurse"--visiting the elderly, doing blood pressure checks after church, etc? Just a random thought. I encourage you to NOT do something you hate--not for money, for sure--it generally SHOWS when one does something one hates doing, and makes both the individual doing it and the people who have to be around that person uncomfortable and/or miserable. I would encourage you to pray about this, and to ask God for definite leading in this area. Perhaps the 'shower prayer' technique would be useful here: "God, I don't know what I need to do about work, and I'm (stressed/anxious/apprehensive) in this area. Relieve me from my apprehension and my need to over-think this situation. Send your especial guidance about what YOU want me to do next in my work life. I'll be quiet and listen."
God of healing and order, I thank you for my friend, Whoami. Please cover her with the reassuring, healing comfort of your Holy Spirit and, in this time of transition and change, communicate your desires for her future in a way that she can clearly hear what is right and good for her life, and for your service. Amen.
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Post by whoami on Aug 3, 2007 21:36:03 GMT -5
Thank you so much, Hopeflows, Lookingup, Adnyl and Mayberry...I am thinking about everything you all have suggested, and see so much merit in all of them. I don't have the slightest idea what I am going to next, but I'm going to come back here and review what yous have said. I've never had true friends like yous, and it is almost overwhelming.
This has been a strange day in cyberspace! Not to mention the ugly glitch here....but also spent tons of time with tech support and maybe a virus, then hours installing virus protection and hours more uninstalling the old one?!? SHEESH. These computers are mixed blessings.
Mayberry, I have quit the client but not my company yet. But that's just a matter of time. You are absolutely right, in that I don't want any one to have trouble in my absense, just to realize I did a good job. But I will never get that recognition. And that IS a reason , amongst many, that I will drive in soon and put in the resignation. I realize the dead end, I still feel sheepish, and the Devil's Advocate position my "supervisor" took with me, makes me realize, way past time to move on. The resentments and bad attitudes are resolving as I type, it's time to move on.
And tho the H is really pushing the Show Me the Money thing, I know he is giving me time to work on the license renewal, as I stay home and get the canning done, and I really appreciate that. I need a break! Won't kill me to look for the nursing positions. I probably can retire in 8 years or so.
Meanwhile, I will consider your suggestions too, cuz he's not the boss of me. I'm just glad to have time to breathe, tho I still feel like I can't exhale yet. I have such survival guilt as I know you, my friends, are going thru things too, and I suspect much rougher than me. I do and continue to pray for you, albeit on the run.
On Tuesday I see a practitioner for what looks like IBC. My mam came back ok, but I've got the IBC symtoms....which doesn't show up on mamography. Once I get an ok, I think I will be more calm and centered.
I am so happy for your thoughts and prayers. You are great friends. I'm sorry for such self centeredness but I hope to be over that soon....XOX!!!
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 4, 2007 6:44:16 GMT -5
All of this seems like good thinking to me, dear one. I will send special prayers that you find calm before your appointment on Tuesday, and that test results are accurate. You are not any more self-centered than anyone else (hey, we are all stuck within our skin 24/7, so it's somewhat our nature!)...I, for one, truly look forward to hearing about your life, with any twists, turns, ups, downs just part of the wonder that is YOU! All good things your way.
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Post by whoami on Aug 4, 2007 22:57:30 GMT -5
I'm somewhere between my second last glass of Merlot, and my last glass.
For tonight anyway!
I an truly scared of my IBC symptoms..and somewhat ok with my appt. on Tuesday, to begin looking in to it.
But I am REALLY scared! How will this all work out, in the scheme of PA? HELLO?
If I was 20 something, or even 30 something, I know I would have rather died than have a breast or breasts removed.
I don't care about my breasts so much now....I just want to live. I am scared.!
Glo, I am on my way to happy drunkedness, if you happen to be there.
I'm scared,
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Post by hopeflows on Aug 5, 2007 5:23:49 GMT -5
Gosh whoami, I'd be scared too. Try not to worry too much. Hopefully, you will get good news on Tuesday, and have this behind you. I have you in my prayers
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Post by Mayberry on Aug 5, 2007 11:53:25 GMT -5
Loving and compassionate God, be with our dear sister, Whoami. I acknowledge my concern for her and my fear for her, and my helplessness to influence the outcome of the tests she faces. Comfort her, uphold, remind her that bravery is an act of living, of hoping, of daring DESPITE the fact that she feels fear. Great Physician, heal her. I ask that if it is in your will, you touch her and remove any disease that threatens her life of love and service to you and to others. You, Lord, who have healed again and again, I ask to heal my friend and sister IF there is a disease working in her body. I ask this with confidence in the name of Christ, who you sent to walk among us, healing holistically, completely, fully in our bodies, in our minds, and in our relations to each other. Amen.
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Post by whoami on Aug 5, 2007 22:48:09 GMT -5
Thank you so much Mayberry. I so cherish the way God gives you the heart, mind and soul of prayer, and looking up....I feel blessed, and comforted tonight.
Thanks for your prayers, Hope, too. I am coming to believe, this is the most help we can give each other. XOXOXO
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 6, 2007 12:42:48 GMT -5
(((((((((((((( whoami )))))))))))))))
I don't know what IBC is, but I'm praying that you have healthy body and healthy breasts. (I just read about it - I pray the diagnosis is negative and you get a clean bill of health.)
I'm going to type a little story and pray it encourages you.
Family History: My grandmother died from radiation poisining from breast cancer - this was in 1951 when radiation was still experimental treatment - they did manage to kill her cancer! My mother has had over 30 cysts and tumors removed from her breasts. My sister has had several as has her daughter. Praise God, I haven't battled that.
About 13 years ago, mom found another breast lump and the doctors said with the mammogram and blood work, that this didn't look like a begnin tumor - a bit larger then a grape. She was scheduled for lumpectomy and potential mastectomy on Tuesday - so would check in the hospital on Monday night. It just happened that we had a guest speaker at my church who was teaching on Divine Healings. Mom actually went to all 3 meetings - Mom is Methodist and finds my church a bit too emotional and exuberant for her. Sunday night, she went forward to ask for the man to pray God would heal her. He prayed. She felt nothing. When she went to bed that night, the lump was still there - she figured his prayer didn't help. When she dressed Monday morning, she could still feel the lump. When she went to bed Monday night in the hospital, she could still feel the lump. The nurses came in Tuesday morning to prepare her breast (and her) for the surgery. They were hunting for the lump to put betadine solution in prep for the surgery; but the nurse couldn't find the lump. Mom couldn't find the lump. They called the surgeon and he couldn't find the lump. He scheduled an emergency mammogram. They couldn't find the lump. All blood work came back normal. The surgeon said it was a misdiagnosis and probably an error reading the first mammograms -- but she believes it was God. After over 30 surgeries on her breasts - - she hasn't found a lump since.
Father God, You say in your Word that the woman who touched the him of Jesus' garment and was healed. Jesus touched Peter's mother-in-law's hand and she went from the sick bed to prepare a meal and serve it. I thank you that one of your names is "Jehovah Rapha" - that means The God who heals. I ask you to touch whoami and heal her body. One of your names is "Jehovah Shalom" - that means The God who gives peace. I ask you to touch whoami and give her full measure of your peace. Just as you touched my mom and healed her breast - and have kept her breasts lump free, I ask you to do the same for whoami; to give her peace and to keep her breasts healthy. I ask this in the precious Name of Jesus. Amen.
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Post by whoami on Aug 6, 2007 16:19:01 GMT -5
Oh my, LU (or as Mayberry would say, Whoa..my) Your beautiful prayer has brought tears to my eyes. Good tears, tho, peaceful, hopeful, grateful tears!! I can not thank you enough for this prayer. Also for the stories about your mom and grandma. (Talk about the cure being worse than the problem, poor soul...) but your mother's healing was a Powerful testimony!! Thanks for telling me about this. Also, I feel your prayers are powerful, and the others' here as well, and I thank you all so much for them.
IBC is often misdiagnosed as insect bites, so I'm expecting to get that initial diagnosis tomorrow, probably. I think as women especially, we have to be proactive about our own health care, so I am gearing up for being assertive about it. It can only be diagnosed by biopsy or (cat scan or MRI can't remember which.) I think I could only be convinced I'm safe by having that done. Tomorrow is just the initial exam by my Dr's physician's assistant. I've asked H to please not be blown away by the expenses involved, and he does seem to be prepared. I just hope I can get this resolved quickly, for the obvious reason, but also so I can quit whining about it! (Patient H and friends!)
I've had a rather ugly day with resentments about my supervisor and the company I've worked with for 2.5+ years. I keep giving it to God, and taking it back....I've given my health fears to God and for the time being I'm leaving them there with him. But maybe God is letting me stew with my resentments for a little longer? To motivate me maybe? I'm not resenting the client at all, I'm just thinking maybe this company may be going down the crapper....ok, God just gave me a thought here....the franchise owner's 20 year old daughter is battling a very difficult cancer. His partner/wife has left the company to be with their daughter. Since this time, office staff has been cut way back. You can just tell by the owner's demeanor, that his heart isn't in the business.
Ok, so maybe a little compassion in all this is what I've been needing. Hmmmmm...wow, this is interesting!
So I emailed the Iowa Board of Nursing yesterday, to help me get started in the process of reactivating the license. When emptying my spam folder this morning, I did it rather quickly like I aways do, now I'm wondering did I delete any mail from Board of Nursing, not looking close enough? YIKES. I know what my problem is, I'm having job withdrawls. Need to do more with the time on my hands, besides fretting and stewing. Even doing things like picking and canning/freezing/dehyrating doesn't stop my wandering mind.
God's timing, not mine.
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Post by LookingUp on Aug 6, 2007 18:24:59 GMT -5
Ouch! Sorry you're hurting.
I found it interesting that you've put your health in God's hands and left it there; but are struggling with keeping supervisor and company in God's hands. I've found that with me, too. It's harder to let go of when people cause me stress then when my body does.
I memorize scriptures when I can't get my mind to shut up. I can do that and quilt. Read a line and repeat it over and over - then another and repeat it over and over and try to put the two together and remember what order they were in. It keeps my thoughts too busy to focus on the painful things. Many of the scriptures I've memorized - I can remember what pain-in-my-life (bet you thought I'd say pain-in-my-behind, eh?) I was trying to heal with memorizing that specific scripture! I also find singing songs (especially hymns) conductive to stopping the wheels in my mind from turning and turning in endless circles that have to fix and no end.
LookingUp
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