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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 26, 2007 20:18:29 GMT -5
Thanks again MJ. You're always right there! Part of my attraction to men is that I want to have sex with myself. So when I look in the mirror I want to have sex. I always thought other men must think the same way -- don't know! Here I am back in the journal because it was on my to-do list. I am coming here before I turn to mb'ing and p'ing. I have been a bad boy in regards to that stuff the last two weeks. I want to straighten up. Today I craved those things when I was done with what I really had to do today and I was alone and I faced the to-do list which is long and daunting. I am working my way through the chores and this is one of them. Of course my addict self would much rather be looking at p right now. Perhaps I can try and remember why I don't want to look at p now. Perhaps mainly because its addicting. I am tired of having that secret side of me. It just doesn't feel right. The last two weeks I found a new way to mb. It was a great big turn-on. I won't describe it here because it would be triggering and give whoever you are reading this new ideas about mb'ing. But you know, it is really another stupid attempt to mb and get off big. So I did that for two weeks. Now again I'm at a crossroads. Do I go back and do it again, or do I take a breath and be good now? And the long-term reason is that I want a girlfriend. I probably won't find a good match if I'm mb'ing all the time & looking at gay p...! All for now, SH
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 27, 2007 2:00:59 GMT -5
The temptation for me to look at gay p tonight is strong. Once again in my life I feel that the women I know are rejecting me. And I am rejecting them as potential partners. Its just all too difficult even to get a date. And again, even there, I'm not real attracted to these women for relationships. Frustration is the word; the feeling. I've had it since I was a teenager. Its a feeling I will never get the sex I want and I will never get the love I want. I won't get the attention that I want. Women take my attention all the time....Its just so messed up.... So, I could look at the p one more night here. What harm would it do? I can feel myself slipping in my mind. I got a lot done today. I feel I am super-efficient when I decide to get things done. Then, I need the ultimate down-time which is p & mb. Its so messed up.
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 27, 2007 4:16:50 GMT -5
I slipped again. Its like I've forgotten how to have an evening without mb & p. Gee this is not good. I hope I can avoid it tomorrow. Its like I'm waiting for my lucky day or something! I have no excuses. I mb'd & watched p for the last two hours since my last post. That's pathetic. Maybe if I'm mad at myself I'll change? I tried being positive. I tried being depressed before that. What is the secret? Meditation? Feedback from others at the right moments? OK perhaps I should post more in the discussion sections. Maybe tomorrow I'll rent a movie to watch instead. I've got to do this. I've got to change. This is pathetic.
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 27, 2007 12:08:35 GMT -5
Waking up feeling groggy. Its from the p & mb last night. I've got to get away from this. Its the only thing keeping me from being truly happy. This grogginess is like the beginning of depression again. And that is a rough road, a sad road. I spent years on that sad road. I've been positive the last couple months ever since I got sober from p & mb. I need to get back there again. Day 1
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 27, 2007 17:21:15 GMT -5
I'm not sure what I'm doing here but I'm craving mb & p again. It must be just the total escape for me. Last night I caved in again and did it. I think day one is the hardest.
Its also Saturday and I've done a lot of things this week that make me want to sit back and relax. Somehow renting a movie and watching it doesn't seem to attract me. Cleaning my house does not seem to attract me either. What should I do? Its easy to think up things - play music, watch TV, read a book, go for a walk. But somehow I'd rather rub myself and look for p on the computer.
I'm in kind of a fog today.
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Post by MJ on Jan 27, 2007 23:31:29 GMT -5
Hey SH, Just wanted to stop by and offer you my support. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Let's just try to stay focused on why p/mb isn't the best option for us today. I'm here for you, man! Peace, MJ
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 29, 2007 2:00:14 GMT -5
MJ thanks so much for your support always!
I believe I have quit p & mb now. I believe its going to be easy this time. I have decided.
10:40 PM 1.28.07
This includes[trigger]touching my nipples which has been my biggest trigger and turn-on[/trigger]I will still allow myself to think things (fantasize) at times such as after my hot baths but I need to realize this is a possible trap. Its my middle circle. I know my boundaries. Its clear what is OK and what isn't. I wish I could still just [trigger]rub my chest[/trigger] but I can't. Probably never.
Of course looking at ads for quickie sex hookups is not OK either. If it were to happen I meet someone and we are sexual I will be OK with that however it is also middle-circle behavior because its sex without love. Sex without love = addiction.
I've rented movies. I'm ready for tomorrow. I have plenty to keep me busy. I have lots of interesting books to read. The computer is clean. Tomorrow's schedule is clear so I can be stress-free on day one.
The mb & p phase is over. I am happy, healthy and positive. ;D
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 29, 2007 2:44:31 GMT -5
Seeking
good work in getting back on track, stay positive, and stay clean. Keep up the good work..
Cheers
TL6E
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 29, 2007 2:57:34 GMT -5
Hey tomlincolnsixecho, Thanks for stopping by and yes I'm really happy to be positive about things, even its not even day one yet....
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Post by MJ on Jan 29, 2007 16:22:27 GMT -5
Hey SH, I'm supporting you all the way. Good job! ---MJ
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 30, 2007 3:59:45 GMT -5
Thanks again MJ! I have made it 26 hours. This is great. I still believe I have quit my addiction now. I spent the evening with a good friend and it was a good thing to do - to get out of the house and not be alone. I'm feeling good!
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Post by Lion on Jan 30, 2007 4:44:47 GMT -5
Hi SH,
good to see you are doing fine. Your positivity is an inspiration for me!
Take care, Lion
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Post by tomlincolnsixecho on Jan 30, 2007 6:27:46 GMT -5
Hey Seeking
Good work.......getting out with friends is something more valuable than really anything else. I spent a lot of time being reclusive, and I think I started to get a little paranoid about everything. I know this is something I need to keep doing.
Keep strong
TL6E
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 30, 2007 22:09:44 GMT -5
Thanks you guys. You are helping me.
I'm doing well. I spent the day on a frustrating project. I actually cried halfway through. And I thought about just saying "screw it" and go mb and escape reality. The project is mostly done now and I'm tired. I will try to spend the evening winding down instead of amping up, to help me avoid mb or even thinking about it.
Still positive and happy I've gone 44 hours........ ;D
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 31, 2007 1:19:14 GMT -5
OK, I've really got to relax now. I was a workaholic today. I could not stop even to eat dinner until this project was done. Now its done and I ate dinner. I'm taking a hot bath and watching TV or a movie. No more work today! I even am NOT doing the dishes because I need to stop. Coming down now.....
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