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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 24, 2006 2:50:16 GMT -5
I have confusion. Tonight I'm craving sex with another man. Is this my addict-speak or is it a behavior I should seek once again? I always wanted a girlfriend. Never had a very long-term one. I'm afraid if I spend more of my life having sex affairs with men, it could be harder to meet a woman and have a good sexual relationship. Is it bad to crave sex, period? I don't look at women and think about sex. I used to, but I want the relationship more. I just wonder what my path should be. I've gone 71 days without p & mb. Had my first wet dream in perhaps 15 years just a couple days ago. That was exciting for me. Tonight I started thinking about sex with men and getting aroused. Definitely middle-circle behavior, but again, I wonder if its just my destiny to have sex with men or not.... Confused & longing..........
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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 24, 2006 13:23:08 GMT -5
I'm thinking my middle-circle behavior may have to go. This is intense fantasies about sex with men. When I woke up this morning I almost felt like I had looked at p & done mb'ing again - like I had been in a drunken craze last night. But I hadn't been drinking, and I hadn't done a real binge. Didn't touch myself....
(BTW if anyone's reading this and you do have feedback I don't mind.)
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Post by Valjean on Dec 24, 2006 14:17:11 GMT -5
Seekinghealing,
I think your right about the middle circle behaviors. We put them there for a reason, they're dangerous. Fantasy produces nothing but lust, and lust can only cloud rational judgements.
If you are confused about your sexuality, you cannot rely on your lustful feelings to tell you either way. This is why you have to get rid of the fantasy. Believe me, I know it's so much easier said than done. I'm exactly there and coming to the same realization. Well, I came to that realization months ago and still haven't put it into action. I should really follow my advice.
I don't know if this has been any help, but I am reading your journal, and I am rooting for you all the way. Have a merry Christmas friend.
Valjean
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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 26, 2006 23:46:20 GMT -5
Thanks Valjean - good to hear your words. Today got back from Mom's. After 2 days there I wasn't myself. I noticed I was more lusty about girls that are just out there in stores and public. When I saw them I wanted to think lusty thoughts and take in the beauty and come back home and mb. But I didn't. Instead I'm here once again fighting the urges to mb and look at p, play with women's clothing, and the sex toy I still have. I know that when I'm on the computer I'm only 10 seconds away from p'ing ("slipping", "falling"). But I guess its like when you drive on a two lane road you could at any moment cause a head-on accident. I'm feeling frustrated with women. I'm frustrated I can't mb or have sex affairs with men anymore too. And now, I not even supposed to think things. Don't know how much longer I can do this. Well I guess I'll post on a few threads and see what I can hear back. Hangin' by a "thread" here. Responses welcome here...........
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Post by MJ on Dec 27, 2006 0:05:34 GMT -5
Stay strong, seekinghealing! We're all in this together. I'm frustrated that I can't simply click away at all of my favorite p sites. I'm frustrated that I can't mb before I go to bed just for fun. I'm frustrated that after 104 days of sobriety I'm still lusting after things that I thought I would stop lusting after. You're not alone man! ---MJ
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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 27, 2006 1:38:48 GMT -5
Thanks MJ - Yes - It occurred to me maybe THIS is as good as it gets for us??? I hope not!
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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 29, 2006 2:30:32 GMT -5
I'm realizing why I'm not mb'ing and p'ing. Partly it was that I didn't want to reset my counter! -- 76 days now. But the more important part is that I don't want to lose the self-esteem and confidence that I have. My job is self-employment and involves teaching classes. I can't stand the thought of teaching classes and p'ing and mb'ing on my off time. It would probably really affect the classes. It would likely be embarrassing for me to be standing up there in front of strangers and knowing that I just mb'd or looked at p. I don't want to go there!!Lately I have had fantasy sessions with myself in the late evenings where I get turned on. I don't touch myself however. It is my middle-circle behavior. It gives me a quick shot of endorphins or something (same as p or mb would) but, like mb'ing, it doesn't feel good to me afterward or the next morning. But tonight I had a turn of events -- I was going to do it again but I could not think of anything to turn me on sexually. So I stopped.... perhaps that activity is close to its end. I'll see how the rest of the week goes on that score. I've been checking the board here about 10 times a day, kind of obsessively looking for inspiration. I've been following MJ's journal and also the "hangin by a thread Thread". This obsession is taking the place of my old obsession with p & mb. I have no extra time lately - I always have more to do. I'm not depressed like I was. I'm not getting the headaches like I was (knock on wood). Something is different about me. Taking a lot of hot baths. Comments welcome........
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gnlman
Junior Member
Posts: 51
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Post by gnlman on Dec 29, 2006 3:54:16 GMT -5
Hi seekinghealing
I too am self-employed and that involves teaching, and a part of pa that I hate is also going in and doing my job knowing I had just indulged in p and/or mb. I felt ashamed inside, especially when talking with a girl I work around (whom I've had an interest in for a while), or any girl I talk to after having recently indulged, and it's a feeling I never want to have again. Stay positive and congrats on 76 days so far, that's stellar progress. I'm going into day 3 here since I've joined this board, and I find it helpful in sharing with others and participating here. Keep up the good work man. -gnlman
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Post by MJ on Dec 30, 2006 0:03:41 GMT -5
Hey seekinghealing, I've been following your journal more than usual myself. I think it's because we seem to be going through some of the same stuff this week. I'm glad you're here with us. As far as wondering whether or not you're posting too much or spending too much time on this website, just think that it's a hell of a lot better than wasting it on addictive behaviors. Every post you make helps somebody in some way---remember that. I can totally hear ya on the teaching thing. Since I'm a teacher myself, the thought of acting out and then having to teach afterwards sucks. I have done that before and I feel so drained and sort of hungover. I'm not at my 100% energy level and it shows because my teaching suffers. Let's keep staying sober, SH! You're doing awesome, man! Keep up the good work! So don't worry about the obsession thing with this board---you're talking to the KING of obsession with this website! Peace bro, MJ
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Post by hammerhead22 on Dec 30, 2006 1:10:57 GMT -5
Hey SH,
I understand alot of the stuff you talk about, desires for men, frustration with women, obsession with the board... I just wanted to tell you I can relate and I'm here if you ever wanna talk.
Matt
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Post by seekinghealing on Dec 30, 2006 3:04:07 GMT -5
Thanks gnlman, MJ, and HH22, You're comments made me pop back on here. My issue lately is the temptation to mb after taking a hot bath. I get all relaxed. Then what I really want to do is:[trigger]massage my chest and nipples.[/trigger]It may sound innocent enough, but if I do that, then I might have to call it "mb'ing" and would have to reset my counter. Not sure on that part. This is me trying to find a middle-circle behavior which feels good but is not a slip. In the past that is what I did to get turned on, and then I would mb, and then do the other stuff and the p. The part of me that wants to do it says I should be free to touch and massage myself as long as its not the genitals.... Then, I think, I could get someone else to massage me there, but then again, it might be arousing. Also, getting erotic massages is one step away from that, and that is another way I was acting out my sex addiction. Its a tough issue for me. Anyone have suggestions?
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Post by MJ on Dec 30, 2006 10:06:28 GMT -5
Hey SH, I completely understand what you're talking about here. Lately before I go to bed I've been doing sort of what you're talking about, [trigger]touching myself but not sexually[/trigger]. Man, I hope you don't consider that a slip because I've been slipping every night! I've decided today though that this behavior must stop if I'm going to go forward at all with my recovery. I don't know whether or not it's a middle-circle behavior, but I guess it hasn't really helped get my mind off sex, because when I do it I try to think about past p images that I've looked at. I wish I had some good suggestions for you. This whole thing is hard. As humans we have a sexual side by nature, and yet because we're addicts we need to repress our sexuality so much---where is the middle ground? That is what I'm desperately searching for. In my journal entry today, I wrote about how I just need to get my mind off sex and sexual pursuit. It's not getting me anywhere. I have lived "sex free" before---i.e. without sexual thoughts and stuff. I spent the first two months of recovery like that so I know I can do that again. We've just gotta remember priorities---what's most important for us. At least we know that we're not alone in this crazy struggle. Thanks for sharing with us, SH. Take care man! MJ
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 3, 2007 0:24:53 GMT -5
Dear Journal, I am doing well. I wish you a great New Year. I've been without p & mb for 81 days. That is much longer than I expected to go. I almost don't know what to say because I don't want to jinx it. I better keep up my alertness to any feelings that would make me go on a binge. I'm busier than ever. Even though I used to spend hours a day on p & mb, now I don't seem to have enough time for the other things. Isn't that weird? I have lists of things that I need to do and I am making progress on it all. I think before I just let a lot of things slide -- like sending out holiday greeting cards. Before, I might have just said Oh well, I didn't get to it. But this year I wrote the cards. But where did my time go? My business got busier and there was the holiday stress that a lot of people get. I'm organizing my home, slowly but surely. Its such a gradual change. I think other people that see me notice a change in me but would not be able to say what is different about me. Definitely I'm more positive and less depressed. My mind isn't thinking about p & mb very much. And I'm really happy to have survived the so-called holidays.... Catch ya later, SH
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Post by MJ on Jan 3, 2007 6:31:20 GMT -5
Hey SH, Glad to hear that all is well. Congratulations on having survived the holidays! They were definitely tough this year. Peace bro, MJ
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 4, 2007 0:04:06 GMT -5
Thanks MJ! I'm still hangin in there and doing well. I have a triggering thing going on however -- A female friend of mine is very cute and also is very nice and we've been good friends for a couple years. Lately I want to avoid her. Ever since I quit p & mb a couple months ago I have been less and less attracted to her. Not physically! Physically she's very cute as I just said. But its just not much fun to be around her. A couple months ago she told me she didn't want to date because she's not ready for it. I don't like some things about her. One is that we always talk about who's feeling hurt now - either I trigger her or she does it to me and then we have to talk about it for an hour. I have come to believe that we are two different personalities that don't mix very well. Part of me feels hurt because she's so cute and yet I can't touch her body. So I might as well just go and mb and look at p -- then I can feel good again! You know, those models on the p sites always smile and they don't give us any crap back. No long difficult conversations needed....sex whenever you want it.....don't have to get them gifts or even have to be nice to them.That's the trigger on my mind today. Comments welcome.... Peace, SH
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