Seekinghealing's Journal

[seekinghealing]

Adding on to my last post --
I noticed I am afraid that she will get a boyfriend. Isn't this weird, since I want to let her go? I think if she found a boyfriend it would tell my "fear" part of me that her line that she's not ready to date anyone was really a coverup that she doesn't find me attractive physically. Its because I've been rejected enough times and I fear it will happen again and again, even when I don't want a relationship with the person. Its that voice that says I will never have a girlfriend and there's something wrong with my looks.

Another thing happens with women that I'm attracted to -- this has happened twice recently. They tell me where I should go to meet women. They tell me to go to a certain town where I might have better chances. They send me emails about singles groups. Its a real slap in the face because its saying passively (not in words) that they are not attracted to me. First I'm interested in getting closer to them, then they send me information on where to meet women.Their information is not helpful anyway -- I've already heard about the groups. To tell me to go to a certain town to find women - that's just stupid! They tell me to go on Match.com or something. What a passive way of rejecting me. By the way I wrote more than 100 women last year on the dating sites. I got nowhere. I might have heard back from about 5 out of the 100 but they were not really interested. I hate those dating sites. They take advantage of desperate singles like I have been.

Now, I'm doing OK as a single guy. But again I hate having this cute friend wanting to be with me and we're not getting along real well. If she was not cute it would be better. I feel like she has used her cuteness to get me to do things for her. All I get is frustrated! She wants to get together with me again this week. I hate it. When I'm honest with my feelings it triggers her and hurts her, and when I ignore her it is even worse. I hate not being honest and I also hate ignoring her.

Oh it makes me want to crawl back in my hole and mb and look at p all night long. Maybe its worth the depression and the lack of will to live (addict-speak here).

Comments welcome.....
SH

[MJ]

Hey SH,
Sorry to hear the issue with your female friend. I wish I had advice for you, but as far as relationships and stuff, forget it---I totally suck at that. Anyways, just stay sober for today. I think that if you succomb to your addict's desires you'll feel even worse. It'll pass. Hang in there bud.
---MJ

[seekinghealing]

Just a note to say all is well over here!
I might be keeping my distance from that female friend. Now she wants some distance so maybe that will work our for me too.

I was ready to do my middle-circle fantasies thing that I've done but when I got ready to do it, I didn't want to. Now THAT'S a turnaround.

Keepin' real busy lately and REALLY doing well for the first time in a long time it feels like. I wonder if I did something, or was it cause someone prayed for me....(?)

Be well, y'all,
SH

[seekinghealing]

Today I did what could be a "slip" but I sure don't want to call it that but then again I don't want to be an "addict" either!

OK -- this could be pretty graphic so I'm putting the "trigger blocker" on it.

I had to stay in a motel room last night for some unrelated circumstances. By the way I had gone 84 days without mb'ing and p'ing.

So I was there and got into fantasizing which is my middle-circle behavior. This time however I[trigger]decided to rub my chest and nipples which has always been a big turn-on for me.[/trigger]
I talked myself into it because someone else said that was not "mb'ing" so I let myself believe that too. I don't really know the truth on that, if there is any.

But then I decided to (graphic-beware)[trigger]put a hot towel on my crotch area. I told myself it was not mb'ing either but guess what? It caused me to have an orgasm.[/trigger]but you see I never actually touched myself down there so perhaps its technically not mb'ing.

Even though it felt relaxing for my body, it was not so good mentally. I felt out-of-it for the rest of the day. Kind of cloudy, kind of stupid or dopey, and kind of ugly. Its like losing the load made me feel less excited about my life; less drive; less of me feeling like I was on a healthy pathway; also less like dealing with others.

I'm tired of counting the days of no p and no mb. So whether it was or wasn't mb'ing maybe doesn't matter anymore. I had 84 days. But now I have in general a healthy routine. I don't mb and watch p -- its not me anymore. When I think about counting the number of days, it just seems to go on forever and makes to difference to me. Its only a gimmick to tell the other recovering addicts here on the board. And it is very useful to stop mb'ing.

I have to decide it that middle-circle bahavior is a problem for me or not.

I almost want to quit coming to the board because I don't want to count days anymore. But here I am and its great to still come and write pretty much ANYTHING the hell that I want to.

Comments welcome...
Peace,
SH

[seekinghealing]

I've had a metamorphosis. I almost wish yesterday and last night didn't happen. But it did. It was all there to teach me.

Now I can admit - I SLIPPED!

Last night I decided to expand on my activities that happened yesterday in the motel room. First the fantasies (this is very graphic so don't go here if you need to stay clear of triggers)[trigger]about having sex with men. Then rubbing my nipples again and getting turned on. After a while that wasn't enough so I tied a hot cloth around my balls. Then I was trying to suck myself off. In a frenzy of addiction I went to my closet and got the dildo. I (expletive)ed my ass with that in the bathroom and then came back and sucked myself off.[/trigger]At each step I was telling myself I had not mb'd yet because I never rubbed myself down there.

It is mb and it was a slip. At least I didn't go back to looking at p. Also I didn't[trigger]get out the lady's bra and wear it which is another compulsive thing I get into.[/trigger]

I woke up today disgusted and feeling un-clean; my self-esteem back to zilch. The past is the past. I got up and did a purification ritual of the house. I also threw out the dildo and one article of women's clothing. For some reason I still wanted to keep the woman's bra - my last remnant of my past, so I kepted that. I've always had this problem of going out to get more of something right after I've gotten rid of them.

I want to be in a positive attitude today. I want to be free again from this behavior. I am now making another pledge: my sexual fantasies are now inner-circle; not part of my life anymore. Not sure on the[trigger]rubbing nipples activity.[/trigger]
I will stay positive (attitude) today. I won't give in to depression. I will come to this board when I need to. I will keep myself busy with the healthy activities that make me feel like I'm making great progress with my life.

[seekinghealing]

Why did I do what I did? I had just finished a big house project and needed to relax. Also I had become too confident that I was no longer "an addict." I wasn't watching my back and the addict came back.

[MJ]

Hey Seekinghealing,

Wow, thank you for your honesty in your last posts. I don't know if I could have been as forward as you were in describing everything that happened. All I can say is that I can relate to what happened to you. It's thought when that happens.

It's at points like these when we're forced to re-evaluate ourselves and our habits. Are we only acting as normal, sexually healthy guys? Or is there still a compulsion? What is normal? What is not normal? Is it okay for you to have been sexual after such a long time of abstinence? Is it really a slip if you didn't look at porn?

I bet that there are so many different things going on in your mind at this point. I wish I had answers for both you and myself. I wish that I had better insight. I do know that you've learned a lot since you joined this board, and I'd hate to see you leave it.

Keep writing these things out and feel free to PM me anytime you want. Hang in there man.

MJ

[seekinghealing]

I'm fighting the urges tonight. Since I slipped yesterday with mb'ing my mind is saying that if I act out again now I only lose less than a day. But if I wait a month and act out then I've lost a month. So mb'ing now would be better. And then I wonder if its OK and healthy to mb.

Let's see -- my doctor said if I overdo mb'ing, then I should quit it entirely. He said it is also about being more spiritual. So he said I am doing the right thing to stop completely.

My therapist encourages me to stop mb'ing completely also. He used to advocate me mb'ing quickly once a day but not spending a long time at it.

When I abstained for 84 days I felt good. My life was positive, as I remember it, just two days ago.

Today I visualized that if my life was a script written in pencil, I could just erase yesterday and start where I was two days ago. If I can convince myself that my life is as good as it was before "slipping", then I have no challenge here.

The challenge is that my inner-doubter/inner-critic has decided that I have failed; that I am weak; I'm a loser; I can't do it; I will always fail; I will always be single and depressed.......

CONFRONTING MR. ADDICTMAN:

STOP! Hey you, Mr. Inner Critic, shut the (expletive) up! You don't know who you're dealing with. I am Seekinghealing. I am strong. I am successful. I can go as long as I want without p & mb. I have lots of friends. People like me. I am turning this ship around now. I have to be positive. I have no choice. In fact, just to prove it, I'm going to get some things done in the house tonight! That's right, right now. I'm going to show you who's in control now. Its me, Deep-down Higher Self Seekinghealing. Mr. Addictman, you are going to have to leave unless you get another positive and healthy addition - then I'll let you stay. And that is final! NO IF'S AND'S OR BUT'S.....
I am not going down the road of depression and low self-worth and more mb'ing and more fantasies. No way I'm going down that road now.

I've got my power back. I'm off to clean the house now. ;D

[MJ]

Hey seekinghealing,

That's the spirit! I'm proud of you! I'm glad you're still fighting and that you haven't given in. I totally understand how sometimes it seems so easy to give in. Sometimes I don't even understand why I still keep fighting, but I know deep inside that it's worth it.

Keep writing about these things. I'm glad you're here, man!

Peace,
MJ

[spottop]

Wow SH,
I'm not too sure what to say. You came right back and posted after the slip. I didn't want to and even now I feel some what good about coming back to the board but at the same time I know what I'd rather be doing.
I was away for a week but since the 2nd I've been filling my time with work, and p and MB. I feel awful about it all. It is always good reading your posts, I enjoy them.

Stay strong SH. I'd like to say I'm here for you but how can I be here for you when I can't even take care of myself. I am here for you though, anytime. I know this is your journal, sorry about my "all about me response".

Prayers,
spottop

[seekinghealing]

MJ & Spottop. Thanks for posting in my journal - Its always great to hear from you guys...

Today I'm probably on the edge. I'm uncertain, because of my recent "slip" (don't like calling it that!) it is real tempting to mb, fantasize. The thought of looking at p is like me having the best time of my life - it would feel so good! And yet I remember that I would look at perhaps 1000 pictures in a several hour session and I would go without food and sleep and let the rest of my life pile up. I would be depressed. I would think more again about seeking real gay sex affairs which are "quickies" - getting off and never seeing the person again. And then I could be exposed to STD's or I could meet people who are not nice. The list of negatives goes on...

I have to see now that my life really is pretty good. Not perfect -- I don't have a girlfriend yet (but see its great I haven't given up!). I've given up in the past and that was depression itself taking control. And maybe I don't have a real successful business since I'm self-employed and its been tough to make enough money. And maybe I'm not in the athletic shape I want to be in and I'm not real motivated yet to do something about that. And maybe I haven't been on a vacation in a long time. And maybe I still always have too many projects that never seem to get done. And that list goes on....

But.... ....when I look around my home is better organized than it used to be. I am eating better. I have a system for getting my "chores" done. I am teaching classes now which I may not like because it makes me scared and anxious but somehow I feel its my path and its necessary for me to do it. And I have the essentials - food, shelter, health, friends. I am making more friends.

I need to continue to look at the positive. Gratitude. I've lacked that in the past. I spent years mainly on the depressed side. OK, I (expletive)ing slipped two days ago. So (expletive)ing what! Like I was saying I like to visualize that my life is written in pencil and I can just erase that experience and feel as good as I did before.

Thanks for listening y'all and my best to you....

[MJ]

Hey SH,

I admire your positive outlook on things. I need a good dose of that. I know that so many things on my life are actually going well, but I can't seem to shake the negative things.

Keep hanging in there, man. Keep writing and posting. We're here for you.

Take care,
MJ

[seekinghealing]

After tonight's hot bath I was [trigger]lying there naked looking in the mirror. Started to rub my nipples. Tried to suck myself which hurt my back. Went to the closet and got the lady's bra and put it on. [/trigger] I was on the verge of looking at p on the computer. I know what two sites I would go to. Kept thinking about it and trying to get aroused but I just quit the whole thing.

When I started to think about looking at p I had to ask where would it end tonight if I did it? Would I just look for say half an hour? An hour? Or would it be another all-nighter? Probably at those sites I would be aroused but its the same old pictures that were there 3 months ago when I last looked. But I'm sure I would be led to other sites which give me big turn-ons. Then what? Would I just start mb'ing? What else is there? And then, the eventual orgasm - what else is left to do?

And if it was an all-nighter, Thursday would be totally for recovery. I would swear off of it all once again. I would throw the bra away. I would write how I'm really done with it now. That it wasn't worth it. OK so I've talked myself out of p tonight I think but what about tomorrow? Tomorrow I can't because I have to teach a class Friday again and I do really want to do a good one. the people coming expect a good class and they are paying for it.

So what do I do after that? I'll probably come here and see if I can write the feelings again.

What are my feelings now? Anxious about the class; lonely but not too bad; guarded regarding p; a bit stressed; again confused and conflicted about why I want sex with men; uncertain about my future; quiet; happy I have a nice home; pleased I have done a lot today; and relieved I didn't go to p sites tonight.

Oh, and my back hurts from the activities above.
Maybe I shouldn't look at myself in the mirror anymore.

That about sums it up for now.

[seekinghealing]

Now I remembered another reason not to look at p. If I did it I might have to go back to the SAA meetings again - maybe even have to call myself an "addict" and that's no fun! I want to be free of that.

[MJ]

Hey SH,

Hang in there. Man, I can totally relate to how you're feeling right now---especially about how you want to be clean tomorrow so that Friday's class will go well. Just yesterday I was writing in my handwritten journal how years past when I would binge and have to teach the next day, I would always feel tired and I could never give my 100%. It sucked. So stay strong!

Keep posting---we're here for you man!

Peace,
MJ