|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 14, 2007 16:16:30 GMT -5
Just lost a bunch of stuff I wrote. Hit the wrong key I guess.... I'm back after looking a p & mbing for the past several days. I feel good. I was on vacation from sobriety. Hopefully soon I can go on the vacation I really want and stay sober too. I intend to start NOW once again without mb'ing & p. I was very productive the last month. I did go about 84 days without p & mb. I felt attractive to women. I really want the right girlfriend. I need to do this - be sober - so this can happen. Mainly so I can continue being productive in my life. The p was not that great. One video clip did really turn me on. Today I watched it, mb'd and deleted it. I feel clean. I am positive. I don't regret anything I did. I wasted time. I even hurt my back trying to do sexual maneuvers. I'm back and I hope to check in again often.
|
|
|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 15, 2007 1:09:13 GMT -5
I'm back again after a relatively short p'ing and mb'ing session. Maybe it will be my last. This time I threw out the woman's bra that I've used to mb with. That is the last thing that I have held on to - I had it in the closet the whole 84 days of recent sobriety. Let THIS moment NOW be the one that starts my new sobriety. I've just been doing the mb & p because I had already just done it. I also didn't want to look at my to-do list, my chores and projects. The list got long again because I've been into p & mb. I lost that time. Now, the list seems too big to handle so the temptation is to escape some more with more p & mb. NOT THIS TIME!!
|
|
|
Post by MJ on Jan 16, 2007 15:37:30 GMT -5
Hey SH, I'm with you all the way in your recovery. Let it start today! Your friend, MJ
|
|
|
Post by useless servant on Jan 16, 2007 19:37:50 GMT -5
Hi, seekinghealing!
I am glad you want to quit sleeping with men and p & mb.
You have my blessing.
I used to crave men but never to sodomize them or kiss to mouth. I wanted to be close to some or hug them or something like that. Later I saw it was normal in Christianity.
If I am allowed to give you an advice: we normally hate that which binds us. You should try to bless all the men you've been involved with and forgive them if they've done any harm to you. Unless you do, you will probably remain in a magic circle.
Now I am so free that I can feel love towards a gay without any filthy desire. I have only some embarassment because of what bigots think ("be a hard womanizer or you are suspicious").
I love my ex gf, I love other girls, I am no longer afraid I am a gay.
But it took me this brave step: I had to forgive and bless each man that abused me, ever since childhood. This took time and obedience to God.
I hope my testimony will help you in your path to freedom.
God bless you Marvin
|
|
|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 16, 2007 22:56:23 GMT -5
Thanks strugglingbutstillimperfect for your thoughts anyway but I don't really relate to it much - my story must be a bit different than yours.
DAY 2 - i made it through yesterday. Can I make it through tonight? I should be able to. I have so much to do again. When I went to p'ing and mb'ing again this week I got way behind on simple daily tasks and anything else.
I've still been thinking I need a vacation.
|
|
|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 17, 2007 0:05:17 GMT -5
Just wanted to remember this:
“I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.”
-- Thomas Alva Edison, scientist and inventor
|
|
|
Post by useless servant on Jan 17, 2007 13:46:57 GMT -5
Nevermind the falls. The winners are not those who don't fall, but those who don't quit.
Just keep on trying.
|
|
|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 18, 2007 13:27:45 GMT -5
Thank you strugglingbutstillimperfect.
I was looking a p again last night. It just seemed too easy and innocent enough. It happened after I took a hot bath again. It was about two hours. I couldn't find any videos really arousing. I then even looked at a list of local guys wanting to hook up for sex, just out of curiosity. I didn't really mb and no orgasm (I'm glad about that).
I look forward to having 10 days sobriety, then 30, then 3 months.
I am back to doing the things that make me feel good about myself. I'm getting the chores done again today. I'm organizing and cleaning, which helps my business too.
But I'm only on day one again. Can't change that now. At least I'm not depressed. I think the 84 days of recent sobriety was good for me. It helped me change routines.
|
|
|
Post by MJ on Jan 18, 2007 15:24:03 GMT -5
Hey SH, Just stopping by to offer my support. You can definitely reach 84 days of sobriety---and beyond! Take care, MJ
|
|
|
Post by freedom on Jan 18, 2007 22:51:06 GMT -5
SH,
It's good that your not depressed about your slip.....that just makes matters worse. Focus on why you slipped and go from there. Stay strong!
Freedom
|
|
|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 21, 2007 1:49:10 GMT -5
Thanks MJ and Freedom. You are my friends. I've still been in this phase of looking at p (gay p) but its not even getting me turned on anymore. I feel a bit of not-sure-what-to-do with myself. The p is not fun anymore. I've been real busy with the rest of my life and I'm looking for a way to relax. All I can think is another hot bath. I'm going away for a couple days on a long-awaited vacation. It will get me in a different perspective on things. I will have time to myself in a relaxing place. I'll be away from my business and my home. I think I really need this! Its been too long. Perhaps I've slipped with the p because I went on "rebel" mode -- I didn't see any other way to just relax (and be with myself). Here, I'm on-call all the time. Be well everyone.....
|
|
|
Post by MJ on Jan 22, 2007 5:01:31 GMT -5
Hey SH, Thanks for stopping by in my journal. I think that the vacation is a good idea. You deserve it! ---MJ
|
|
|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 26, 2007 3:17:50 GMT -5
Thanks MJ! I have been mb'ing and looking at gay p for a couple weeks now. The vacation has come and gone. It was great to get away. But it didn't get me away from mb'ing. I still don't think I'm gay. I looked at the gay p tonight partly because my two closest female friends have crushes on me even though they would deny it. But I'm not attracted to them for relationships. They are very cute and pretty but I don't think we are good matches. So that's where I stumble a bit -- I mb because I don't want them to be more attracted to me. I'm really into avoiding bad relationships. The fantasies about sex with men is still there. I've realized that its simply sex without love -- exactly what my addict wants. I need to change again. This cycle of p & mb'ing all the time...I'm hating it. I use these to avoid all the things I need to get done. I think sometimes I will need to allow myself to do nothing, since that is one of the effects of mb'ing. If I take the mb'ing away, I'm always afraid I have to keep busy - not true. Sorry for the news that I've still been stuck. But I am positive and I intend to get this right. NOW! Once again.
|
|
|
Post by seekinghealing on Jan 26, 2007 3:58:06 GMT -5
12:44 PM I am feeling really really good. I spent the day mb'ing and looking at p (that doesn't bring me down). I am really grateful for all the things I have -- I am not in a bad relationship. I live in a nice place and my home is nice. I'm still healthy. I look forward to exercising more. I am recovering again. This is day zero. I"m not going to get depressed this time. I can be happy on day zero. On day 100, when I get there, I can either be happy or not. I hope I am happy then too. I want to get other things in my life done. I want to organize everything. I want to get my business working better. I want to have a great girlfriend. I am confident I can do all these things. I like the 100-day challenge idea. Last time I did this I met my goal of 60 and went to 84. I feel good. Did I say that already? Maybe is because that vacation was good for me, even though I mb'd a lot there. Now I'm back. I mb'd a lot today. I hope I'm done with it. With me it seems to be all or nothing. I'm happy. Stay tuned to this to see if this works. Why am I so darned positive? Am I just high off the mb'ing or am I on to a real attitude shift - something healthy? ;D
|
|
|
Post by MJ on Jan 26, 2007 5:13:36 GMT -5
Hey SH, Thanks for stopping by in my journal. I've been wondering how you've been doing. This whole mb'ing to gay porn thing really confuses me because I do the same thing. I still don't think that I'm 100% gay either, but maybe I'm just in denial or something. I don't know if it's because of "masturbatory conditioning" or what. I don't know if I can see myself in a relationship with a man. Unfortunately, I don't know if I can see myself in a relationship with a woman either. Anyways, I'm still here fighting this thing with you, and I'm glad to know that there are others who are in the same boat as me. Your friend, MJ
|
|