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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 31, 2007 21:02:23 GMT -5
Feeling horny so I don't know what to do except come here. I've gone 67 hours now. I don't want to think of myself as addicted, so I don't want to crave mb. I just don't know quite what to think now. I have an hour of free time until I have to go back to work. OK I guess I'll watch TV or a movie.
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Post by seekinghealing on Jan 31, 2007 23:21:04 GMT -5
Same feelings. I want to make it through the evening without the p & mb. The next few hours are important. I'll try to stay busy.
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 1, 2007 1:34:50 GMT -5
Doing alright. Went out and had a bite to eat. Needed that. Will watch TV or movies. Just about made the 72 hour mark.
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 1, 2007 2:41:15 GMT -5
Made it 72 hours! I'll either go to bed early or watch a movie.
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Post by MJ on Feb 1, 2007 6:19:21 GMT -5
Great job SH. I'm proud of you! ---MJ
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 1, 2007 15:03:54 GMT -5
Thanks MJ!
I slept 10 hours. I've made it 80 hours now. I want to get things done today. Precious free time.
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 1, 2007 17:28:15 GMT -5
I wanted to feel productive today. Its not too late. I slept late so I missed the morning. Trying to keep busy, partly so I don't think about mb'ing again. Coming here is one of the many things I needed to do now. I'm facing projects and errands and I need to not give up. I've made it 87 hours now.
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 1, 2007 23:26:40 GMT -5
I've made it 93 hours. I want to make it through this evening. I got things done today but I realize I was alone all day which is weird. I need some people around.
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 2, 2007 1:49:23 GMT -5
Slipped. Reason: was feeling lonely. Nobody to call (I tried one friend but didn't leave message). I was alone all day. The p made me feel connected with these guys who are having sex. I know, they're not real people, but with my imagination I think they are my friends. Funny thing -- I feel better than before the "slip." I guess I needed to mb. So where do I go from here? I guess I'm starting the count again from zero now. But I need an answer to what to do when that loneliness comes back. I've got social events on the weekend. I could ask the neighbor to go out to dinner tomorrow. I will post a thread on the recovery board to see if I get any new ideas. I was thinking of going back on yahoo personals or match.com again - try and meet women to go out with. But instead, what did it do? - I watched men having sex with each other. Boy, am I (expletive)ed up or what? rolling my eyes.........
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 2, 2007 2:56:18 GMT -5
I noticed that right after my "slip" I felt good. I actually felt better than before. I thought, this must have been a good thing. But then, after 20 minutes or more, honestly, I started to feel bad. Its the beginning of depression. It goes along with the feeling that I have lost my charge. Its like I've been neutered or de-sexed. I don't like it. I'd rather be horny again. I just have to be ready for the loneliness if it comes back. And the way to get out of depression is to feel productive. Since its too late tonight to get productive I will have to relax even more. Kick back and watch the rest of that stupid movie I rented. I have no idea if anyone is reading this but if you are feel free to say hello. SH Day Zero My counter started 2.1.07 10:40 PM. (Just noticed, my last two slips were at the same time of the day...)
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Post by MJ on Feb 2, 2007 6:32:43 GMT -5
Hey SH, Sorry to hear about your slip. Just a question---could you try taking mb off as a bottom-line behavior? That's what I've done and I've been feeling a lot better. Not perfect, of course, but at least it's something new. Just a suggestion. ---MJ
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 2, 2007 13:47:42 GMT -5
Thanks MJ. I'll get back to that question soon.
Today I've been feeling old, tired, and ugly. I think its because I mb'd last night. It seems to make me feel flat and boring. It feels like people don't want to be around me as much. No pozaz, no charge, no zing. And it just takes time to get it back.
MJ - I think I've done enough of that. Even my doctor suggested I quit mb'ing. Mb'ing takes me to cross dressing, using mb "toys," and fantasies about sex with men. And then its too easy to watch a little p with it, think up new ways to mb, and try to hook up with real men for sex. I can't even rub my chest/nipples since that is how it always starts.
I've gone 12 hours now. I hope to go another 12 hours without the p & mb.
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 2, 2007 21:26:54 GMT -5
I've gone 19 hours now. I've been tired and fighting off mild depression. I'm feeling lonely again but unable to reach out to real people in my life. It seems that they are all too busy and they wouldn't want to hear that I'm feeling a little blue. I'll watch TV and make dinner.
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Post by seekinghealing on Feb 2, 2007 23:03:20 GMT -5
21 hours now. I just wrote on MJ's journal and I feel a little better. Just trying to get through this evening. I'll take a hot bath and try to relax. Today the depression was knocking at my back door! I didn't turn around to answer - just kept looking straight ahead!
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Post by beginning on Feb 3, 2007 2:59:44 GMT -5
Hi Seekinghealing:
Kind thanks for dropping by my diary. What a weird life we are living, eh? The secret life of the p and mb hound is just too shadowy. All I can say is that I am thankful that we can share our emotions here.
Too bad about the fog of loneliness you talk about. P is a bandaid, for sure, but in my case it drives me further and further into myself and I end up living a subterranian kind of existence that I cannot share with anyone because I'm too ashamed. I've had enough.
Let's tough it out together. The benefits are just around the corner. I truly believe that now.
Take care, beginning
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