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Post by Mayberry on Dec 9, 2007 8:07:39 GMT -5
U: I'm so happy to hear that you made it through a rough day and made choices that were to your benefit and health! You ROCK! An affirmation that really spoke to me (found when I was looking for info on stopping cigarettes) might be helpful to you: "There are no “good” days or “bad” days. I can do what needs to be done at all times." You are in for "good" and "bad" days, but you *can* do what needs to be done, and it will get easier. I believe in you, friend. Keep fighting the good fight for your sanity and your EXCELLENCE. Peace. J
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 10, 2007 7:30:13 GMT -5
Wow, today feels good. The sun is beating in through my window and warming my arm. The songs on my ipod on the bus this morning all made me think of potential rather than anything lost or missing and I had this sensation that I could be any man I wanted to be.
The frustrations of the weekend continued into the early hours, but I turned away at every necessary moment. I would not be tempted, as tempted as I was.
I have to be wary, because I look for any excuse, any opportunity and I try quite hard to trick myself. I was on a message board I use and I saw a thread the title of which was triggering in itself. I moved my mouse towards it without thinking, reacting to the sensation of being triggered more than anything. But I stayed my hand, there’s nothing in there for you. There’s nothing you want to learn about that subject, there’s nothing you want to discuss about that subject, the only reason you would read that thread is to begin the process of slipping. You will allow yourself to slowly graduate and within half an hour you’ll have acted out. If you don’t want to act out. Don’t start the process by clicking on this thread. Know yourself that well at least.
And I did. I didn’t click on the thread. I closed the page and I moved on from another situation that would have beaten me months back.
Later I even got into a conversation with a good friend who knows about my struggle against this. She’s actually always been strongly of the opinion that I’m wrong in my conviction that porn or masturbation are a problem for me, and although we don’t discuss it, as it would lead to friction it came up last night in conversation. Again, she put a reasoned argument together for why I shouldn’t worry about it, and I was struggling to argue back … then I realised why. I didn’t want to argue because I WANTED TO ACT OUT and that inner voice was trying another of it’s sneakier tactics; Intellectual reasoning. I wasn’t arguing back, because I wanted to succumb to intellectual reasoning, then I’d stop worrying about masturbating, I’d probably do it once or twice without porn, but it wouldn’t be long before images started to wander into my mind, I’d fight them on the surface, but the reality would be that I stopped fighting when I accepted that argument as fact. Wouldn’t be long before I was watching porn again and feeling hopeless.
I saw this process as it might happen while she talked and then I just stopped her, as I had stayed my hand on the mouse from moving toward that thread. I explained politely that this argument was a difficult one for me and it wasn’t helping my frustration, in fact in a weird way it was hindering any hope I might have of defeating that frustration. I might not have the words, but I know myself better than that. I also know how easily lead I am and I wanted to stop talking about it. Then I moved on to another subject.
I made some good choices this weekend and Day Fifty Six is a day to be proud of for that.
There are no good days or bad days. I can do what needs to be done at all times.
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 10, 2007 7:37:57 GMT -5
WOW! I don't think I need to say more. You CAN (and did) do what needs to be done at all times. My heart fair burst with joy for you reading here this morning!!!! Good for you!!!! J
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jackson
New Member
only today
Posts: 31
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Post by jackson on Dec 10, 2007 16:03:03 GMT -5
yes well done.. you truely have been 'unbreakable'
i am smiling for you.
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 11, 2007 10:55:33 GMT -5
Hey, Jackson, thanks for dropping by, you’re so welcome. And Mayberry, thank you. Your words got through. That little phrase is becoming something of a mantra for me right now. It fits me perfectly. I haven’t even smoked since Saturday!
Making Plans
So my good mood has carried through to day Fifty Seven and my god I nearly welled up looking at that daycount. I didn’t think I’d make it this long. I really didn’t. And you know something weird. I started to think about porn yesterday, but it was different, I wasn’t interested. I didn’t want to see the images I remembered anymore, I wasn’t just blocking them out for fear that I would get too interested, I actually DIDN’T want that!
I’m not saying it’s going to be like that forever more. I’m sure it wont and I wouldn’t dare lull myself into that kind of false security. But it was a new feeling. It wasn’t just that I knew better than to entertain those thoughts, I just wasn’t entertained by those thoughts.
Rambling. It makes sense to me.
So my mood has carried me into planning a holiday, which I well and truly deserve (god, do I recognise the concept that I might deserve things? That’s such a nice change). Three of my friends that went off travelling around the world are going to be in Thailand until February and one of them emailed me and told me that money and work SHOULD NOT be stopping me and she’s right. There’s no reason anything should stop me. I have holiday piled up. I NEED a holiday. I’d love to see some sun and I’ve finished a lot of the big jobs for the year (the quarterly magazine I edit for the company came back from the publishers today).
So I’m going to bite a bullet and book tickets, then sort the intricacies out later. That’s the best way to get me there.
If this is the upside of my mood swings, then I’ll happily take this forever. If this is me getting better then it’s a sign to everyone that recovery has light at the end of the tunnel, well, half way down the tunnel anyway.
:-D
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Post by hopeflows on Dec 11, 2007 11:18:23 GMT -5
.......since I'm singing, here's a little something to help light your way.....
You know Dasher and Dancer And Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid And Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall The most famous reindeer of all?
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Had a very shiny nose And if you ever saw it You would even say it glows All of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names They never let poor Rudolph Play in any reindeer games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to say Rudolph with your nose so bright Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? Then all the reindeer loved him And they shouted out with glee "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer You'll go down in history!"
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 11, 2007 11:57:54 GMT -5
LOVING your new avatar and the christmas songs. Are you saying I have a glowing red nose though? I'm trying to avoid that really, and it's tough at this time of year I figured you for a love of this time of year. What are your plans for enjoying it?
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 12, 2007 8:42:31 GMT -5
Day Fifty EightI still feel good. I was reminded by a friend of the way my moods cycle yesterday. She asked In fact she said "So this is your upswing then". I guess I might have been pretending to myself that this was how life was going to be for me from now on and I'm reminded how dangerous that is. I have a depression problem which has recurred often enough over the last few years to be pretty reliable by now. I will sink again and I need to know that so it doesn't come as a huge shock to the system and lead me into behaviors that could be avoided. I told my friend that I knew all this, and that I was learning new tools to deal with my moods and that's true, but I mustn't be overconfident or even cocky. Yesterday did feel a little like mania in retrospect and the fact that I hadn't been able to sleep the two nights previously speaks volumes toward that likelihood, but I wont be angry about that, or fooling myself, Im just going to deal with it. I saw my goddaughter last night, she is growing so fast and was so much fun to play with. I do want that in my life, but it's not a need the way it has been. Life will bring what it brings, I need to be able to deal with that and ready to accept things as they come rather than longing for things that I don't have, that's lust and lust leads me down a very bad road. Ugh, i don't know what to say today ... I'm writing stuff and deleting it which isn't a good practice in honesty. OK, quick and to the point confessional. Im going to the cinema with a married female friend tonight. There's no romance, we're friends and both film fans, but I've let the fantasy cross my mind more than is helpful to recovery. Nothing will happen, but that part of me is still lurking. UGH, I hate admitting that. I've been in touch with Stacy and hadn't mentioned it. She's moved on, she's seeing another guy, which is great and relieves a lot of the stress I felt about hurting her, so why am I talking to her again. Do i want her to be seeing someone but wishing it was me. UGH! God I hate that one more. I've had two sexual dreams in a row. The first one was bad and did not leave me feeling pleasant when i woke. Last nights I enjoyed though. It had some pornographic elements to it, but it wasn't 'bad' like the one previous. I don't know how to judge whether it's a bad thing or not that I have sexual dreams. I don't understand that ... I'm slacking at work quite a bit these last few days. I'm out of here ... Why am I feeling shame? I know better than that.
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 12, 2007 9:44:37 GMT -5
What a curious juxtaposition in today's entry, friend. "I still feel good....why am I feeling shame?" Hmmm. Glad you got what's in you OUT and into your journal this morning. Don't know about you, but sometimes just speaking my truths and giving myself permission to feel *whatever* it is that I'm feeling keeps things from growing out of proportion inside me.
I hoping you find focus at work, and the right focus inside you to promote your best health and happiness. I'm walking nearby, and I'm reading along with interest. I would suggest (as you already know) that the recent surge in sexualized dreaming is "to be expected" at this stage in your sobriety, and that, while disturbing, it will pass. Sending good thoughts your way. J
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 12, 2007 10:32:09 GMT -5
I didn't notice that juxtaposing until you mentioned it.
I guess I would explain that by saying that I'm becoming able to differentiate between an actual depressive state (which I was referring to when I said I felt good - I'm 'up' not 'down' right now) and the general trials and tribulations that come and go in life.
Maybe that's not quite it. Maybe part of it was that I was hiding that other stuff behind a wall of 'I feel good and I'm sober, so nothing else can be bad' and when I let it out I felt a little ashamed of ignoring things that were clearly on my mind.
I'm glad I spilled my guts as well. Every now and again I look at the title of my journal and remember why I called it that. This is about me being honest with me. If I can't be honest here, then I can't anywhere.
So, from shame to proud, i spilled and I feel better for it. i can go tonight and have a good time, enjoy some normal company and not feel the pressure of lying to myself over my 'intentions'. That's a bit liberating actually.
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 12, 2007 21:28:09 GMT -5
No need to lie to yourself or to "us" about who you are, what you're feeling, any gap between where you are and where you hope to be tomorrow or the next day. I'm still rooting for you, and I'm proud of you. Looking forward to your next update. Stay strong! J
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 13, 2007 9:41:52 GMT -5
Day Fifty Nine
The film and the company were wonderful and far from sexually/ romantically charged. I'm always proud of myself when I can have normal evenings with women, that aren't charged by any innappropriate fantasies on my part.
I partied hard last night afterwards (a friend called on the spur of the moment back from Australia for one night only) and until very, very late. As I lay in bed I tried to make myself feel guilty for drinking, smoking and being up so late and I couldn't manage it. A smile kept creeping onto my lips and I fell asleep fairly pleased with myself.
Today started badly though. I felt terrible when I woke up (hungover terrible) and the old SA addage of tired being a major trigger proved true. The urge towards porn and masturbation was incredibly strong. However I managed to remind myself that the only reason it was there was because I was physically weak and it was exploiting that opportunity to get on top of me. I shouted that voice down vociferously and found myself on the bus to work in plenty of time. On the bus the thoughts continued to plague me, but they were fading to the point that half an hour later I was disinterested in them. Actually disinterested, not just blanking them from my mind, disinterested. That's a victory.
I still felt crap and my head was pounding but I went in to the office and walked straight into a very tough management meeting ... and proceeded to totally boss it! It really went well, I minuted it and impressed everyone. I even began a confrontation with the girl I clash with in the office and stopped myself, recognising my unneccessarily defensive stance, apologising for that, apologising for the problem I HAD caused and proceeding to help build a situation to rectify it to HER satisfaction.
I done good today.
I'm supposed to meet a friend tonight. I kinda feel like I need a night off, he'll want to drink. It's against my rules to raincheck a social possibility, but I might give myself a pass (wow, I STILL deserve stuff!?!).
I'm beating this. i really think I'm beating this. ;D
Hungover, exhausted, but winning!
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jackson
New Member
only today
Posts: 31
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Post by jackson on Dec 13, 2007 19:45:57 GMT -5
for me drinks and shall we call them party coctails are a reliable trigger for me so im particularly impressed with your winning status. stay inspired!!!
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Post by unbreakable on Dec 14, 2007 11:45:38 GMT -5
Wow, I had a bad start to my day today.
I woke up and just felt that sinking feeling. Given the line of thinking I’ve been following this week I thought hard about identifying it properly. There was no reason for it. I had slept well and for long enough, I hadn’t been drinking or smoking the night before and actually I had had fun with friends. There was nothing to be sad about, this feels like something I don’t have power over exactly. Just like a black cloud had fallen … oh wait, I had a description … like I wasn’t me, or I was another me than the one that had been living in my skin for the past four days. I looked back at the other guy and didn’t recognise him. I felt tears on my cheek on the way to the bus stop and I couldn’t think of anything sad.
Actually when I got to work a colleague was waiting for me and we spent a really long productive day (I haven’t left my seat, I haven’t eaten and I haven’t noticed till now) sorting some of our scheduling for the next year out and going through some admin and process mapping. Toward the end of the day I realise I hadn’t had time to let the depression settle on me. I guess that’s a positive but with 5 minutes to myself I fear it will return. I’m supposed to know the things to do to fight this. I guess I can add working hard to the list. But what about this evening? Swimming helps. But I really don’t want to. Not being alone helps, but I don’t have any options open to me really. All the things that help are about shutting my mind off, numbing myself from feeling what’s there right now (that black cloud). I’m not sure I want to hide from my feelings and my thoughts like that.
I’m not desperate. But I’m a little pessimistic. I’m not sad, but I’m worried that it’s coming (did I do this to myself? Jackson, what you suggested might be true here). I wish it wasn’t the weekend, god that’s insane!?!
Porn was on my mind again today, I started tossing justifications around in my head, I don’t even remember them, they were poor arguments …
… Oh I forgot, Day Sixty.
I think I want cigarettes. I think I want alcohol. I think I want food. I think I want drugs. God, it’s all there. Anything to cover it up right?
So what’s the alternative? That’s not defeatist, it’s a question. I can’t think of anything to do with my time that I want to do and I don’t want to do things just to distract myself from … I don’t even know what I’m talking about. OK, now I feel lost. Writing isn’t helping so much today … I think I’ll be back though.
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Post by Mayberry on Dec 14, 2007 12:14:37 GMT -5
Hmmm. A day without food after a week with a fair amount of partying?
Could you be HUNGRY? LONELY? TIRED?
How bout a big glass of water or juice (you may be dehydrated still after hangover the other day). How bout a nice bowl of hot soup? How 'bout a that swim, even though you don't feel like it?
Remember--if it's useful to you--that others have gone through random "attacks of the blues", the "sads", "the cry-ies." This seems to be a very normal part of stopping addictive behavior. I know, some will argue there's no such thing as withdrawal, but I have seen the onslaught of symptoms in sobriety that went away after some time, and it sure looks like withdrawal to me.
I'm still rooting for you. No good days, no bad days: you can do what needs to be done at all times. I have faith that you CAN handle what life (or the dying addictive voice) brings to you. I'm rooting for you, unbreakable.
Have you seen the "Weekender's" Circle on the Accountability Thread? You might want to check it out. It's specifically for guys to have a place to touch base over the weekends, when the boards are a bit more dead.
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