|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 11, 2006 13:40:41 GMT -5
I think I made a mistake.
I shouldn't have left.
Some things rocked me a little and I guess I didn't have the faith to deal with it.
I'm making myself write this now before I think better of it. My life is a mess and in other ways its wonderful, but I've stumbled. I haven't been back to porn often since I left but I binged last night and just like last time my ex chose today to ring me and aask whether I was still sober.
I think I had kidded myself that I was ok with it, and I still am to a degree, but this is the little part of me that says no.
I had good reasons why I had stopped, I did. and I've forgotten them. So I'm starting over.
I never wanted to start over. I always thought I could say no and it be forever, but I was wrong.
When I slipped I used this to allow myself to slip further, if you can't cold turkey, you can't do it. I'm worried I still think that.
I was so proud of some of the things people said to me on here about how quickly I had got it, that I couldn't come back here and admit that I'd forgotten.
But I have to. The journal helped. I remember that. I think I need that help.
I compromised myself here to. I gave the address of my journal to someone and in retrospect wished I hadn't.
crap. I need to get this right.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 11, 2006 17:47:48 GMT -5
The stupid thing is I've made so much progress with the rest of my bull(expletive).
I stopped drinking and I'm so happy with it. I quit smoking pot and it's quite clear what a diffeerence that makes. I'm done with that too. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore and I don't crave them either. I'm healthy. I run regularly. I eat well. Jeans I couldn't wear a year ago fit me well, I'm down three belt holes and I've probably lost a lot of weight.
But I allowed myself to slip into bad sexual habits. and I was close to getting better with that (expletive) too.
I have slipped on maybe 3 occasions since I left the board (a few months back), but when I do I binge. I guess I had justified it by saying I was on my own and no one else would be hurt by my masturbating to porn. The reality is that I know if I did stumble into a relationship that I wouldn't just be able to stop. This is a habit I had done a lot of work breaking and I can't stop now.
I need to admit something else.
A friendship I developed online leads me into this. She allows me to behave in certain ways and I allow it because I convinced myself it was intimacy. I think it might just be another avenue for me to act out. I need to cut it off, but the friendship is valuable to me, so I will try to temper it. Actually the sexual side of our rerlationship is a relatively small part of our conversation and I don't think it's unrealistic to continue a friendship without the other side.
But I need to catch myself before conversations take the turn into something triggering. That's what leads me to porn.
This is going to take some time to unravel. I'm going to keep coming back and spewing this (expletive) till I get somewhere.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 13, 2006 5:40:57 GMT -5
So my weekend away went quite well. I made a conscious decision that I didn't want to stay for the whole weekend as I feel a little like I've slacked at work (OK a lot) and I didn't want to (expletive) my first day back up by the extra tired I'd be after more travel. So, I'm back home a day early.
I wanted to note an incident.
I was waiting for a train today and I was hanging around the magazine stand in the newsagents. I found myself flicking through the 'mens' magazines, thinking it was innocent and then caught myself. This is one of the bad habits I've slipped back into that lead me into slipping. I actually noticed a thought whilst I was doing it that I could watch some porn when I get home. Like that was one of the comforts I was looking forward to when i got home.
I dont like that. I dont want to think of it asa comfort. It's the opposite, It's a (expletive)ing monkey on my back that I need off.
that's all for now.
This is so hard to get back to.
Wish I hadn't stopped. I have to keep making myself come here till this works the way it used to.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 13, 2006 18:34:22 GMT -5
I did something really weird just now.
Before I met E I went out with a girl very briefly L. She was a sweet girl, a lot younger than me and much less experienced (even based on my scale). I broke up with her and blamed her for being too clingy and needy. In retrospect that was a load of bollocks. I was losing it a little at the time - the Gulf War II was breaking out and I was staying up for 48 hours at a time sometimes watching news channels when i could - but really it was something else. She was a virgin and I really didn't think I could be that guy. I guess a lot of it was down to me realising that it wouldn't last between us, and that I didn't want to hurt her anymore than necessary. I thought me taking her virginity would make our parting harder. But I also think in retrospect that a lot of it was because of my own insecurities about sex. I was still hurt from my first relationship ending at the time and I wasn't ready to open my heart the way L deserved.
So I broke up with her and even told her I still wanted to be friends (How many times I've complained about hearing that)but I never came through on my side of that bargain. I left Leeds shortly after and never called her. I had started seeing E and figured I needn't keep that half made promise.
So I just sent her a text message after 2 years. I asked her if she had deleted my number and did she know who it was. She had deleleted it but she knew. She was concerned whether I was ok but told me she was happy. I think she wasn't im[ressed and to be honest I got the impression that I had left it too late to get back in touch.
I don't even know why I did. I asked a friend and she suggested that maybe I ws trying to make amends. I think this gives me too much credit to be honest.
I dont want to think that I thought I could end my loneliness by contacting this poor girl who had been so sweet to me that I had been so terrible to.
All of my stories about past relationships are about oh woe is me, I've been treated so badly and it's all bull(expletive). I was terrible to this poor girl and she deserved so much better.
In reality the best thing I could have done for her was to delete her number and let the girl get on with her life and forget all about me as rapidly as possible. However I didn't. I kept her number - why did I even do that, it wasn't by accident, I've pruned my contacts since and left herrs there. Did I think I could 'go back' to her in the future if my life went pear shaped? - and then finally used it.
So she left me without response to my third message. I wont text her back, but part of me anticipates her getting back in touch with me at some point in the future.
I feel so manipulative and I dont know why I'm doing this.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 14, 2006 6:50:32 GMT -5
So to more of my strangely destructive current behavior.
I'm in email contact with an ex girlfriend. She emailed me and while back and we've been exchanging back and forth ever since, sometimes as many as 10 a night. It did at one point start to get fairly romantic, at least apparently in intent and here lies the problem; She's married with kids.
She talks about her marriage being pointless and that they haven't shared a bed in over a year. Since the third baby was born (a baby she says was born in an attempt to revive the love they had lost through his infidelity).
I'm not trying to make excuses. Being in touch with her as anything other than a friend is wrong and my grip on that possibility is tenuous at best. I don't know what her intentions are, but I suspect I know what I want out of this. I wont do anything, or so I tell myself, but I think the reality is that I shouldn't be here in the first place.
I'm fond of her. She's simple. By that I dont mean stupid, just honest and straightforward. I'm attracted to that. I should stop thinking like this.
When I was a child I remember my father introducing me to various female friends of his. In retrospect I think it's likely that they were women he was sleeping with. I dont like having been involved in that deception and it makes me think less of my father. I couldn't do that to another child and I wont.
Another thought occurs to me about this girl in regards to my post above. This girl, C, I treated badly. I was a child and scared, but I hurt her feelings. She was an overtly sexual girl and I was a virgin at the time, I was terriffied and insecure and didn't dare risk displaying my inexperience. After the fact it's clear that I was wrong. She showed a lot of false confidence and in fact was probably more scared than I was.
So in my moments of thinking better of myself, I wonder whether my contact with this girl is about the possibility of making amends for that? I find that the only way I can pursue this mess I've got myself into. Running away simply proves I was only after one thing and I can't bare that, so I must be a friend and in as non threatening (to her relationship and family) a way as possible.
God, I'm not sure if I actually got anything there, but I guess I needed to admit that.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 14, 2006 10:39:59 GMT -5
I want to masturbate today.
But I wont. Although I am not completely convinced yet, I feel like I might need that sobriety, so I wont stop here.
What is triggering me? A female friend of mine sending me text messages. A girl who has been an issue for me before. I told the story in my first journal of what caused the end of my last relationship. This is the girl I mentioned.
We have a sexually charged history (at least on my part) and we've been back in touch for a few weeks. Our dialogue is innocent enough but it's the slightly twisted part of my own mind that makes it something else.
At my lowest ebb I searched for pictures of this girl online. I found nothing but the evidence I had been looking was enough to shatter my girlfriends heart. It took another year or so of the same problem returning to our conversations (and my own stubborn refusal to accept what I had done as a problem) but eventually E left.
Since being back in contact with this girl she actually sent me a picture of herself, unsolicited, and I'm ashamed to admit to having used that picture to the purpose I had intended 2 years previously. This is a friend to me, whom I sexualise and lessen in every respect my friendship each time I do.
I have no right to make any woman a part of my own fantasy in this way and I must learn to stop.
That's my reason for sobriety right there. To take this away until it's gone.
To be a friend to women without sexualising them innapropraitely because it demeans me and everything that is good about me as a friend. I dont want to do that. People have expressed pride at having me as a friend and I dont want to feel ashamed the next time I hear that because of any dirty little secrets I have.
I'm concerned that I have written three different posts about three different women and there are still more...
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 14, 2006 11:52:37 GMT -5
And just to add to my list,
I fall into some melancholy over E.
Lyrics to old songs we shared, "Goodbye My Love" by James Blunt, "Sky Blue and Black" by Jackson Browne and "Night Train" by The Bouncing Souls.
I still wish I hadn't (expletive)ed that up. I had the life I wanted and now I have to make new dreams. It sucks.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 15, 2006 6:41:11 GMT -5
OK, Possible triggers lie ahead - avoid if necessary
so I had an incident last night with C, my married ex girlfriend.
She had been asking me to meet her for some time. I'd been avoiding it, but recently she had changed her tone and seemed accepting of the idea that nothing was going to happen between us. She sold the meeting as two friends catching up and nothing more and I was convinced.
I met her in a nearby bar and she was already drinking when I got there. She was very pretty and immediately quite affectionate. I was worried at first till she told me that M was coming too. M is a close friend of hers (and another old teenage love of mine). The idea of a chaperone reassured me a little and I figured catching up with two old friends was going to be fun.
However, C got progressively more drunk and more directly flirtatious, even openly groping my legs at one point. It was all making me fairly uncomfortable but I figured nothing would happen while M was still there.
On one of the occasions when C went to the bathroom, M confronted me with regards to my intentions. She said she had seen some of our email exchanges and professed to hating that Claire was stuck in a loveless marriage and did I 'like' her. I squirmed a little and said I did, but that it WOULDN'T GO ANYWHERE. In fact I said I was aware that I had already crossed a line so to speak and very much just wanted to be friends and nothing else. I don't really know if M was satisfied with it or not, I'm actually not sure what her angle on the whole thing is to be honest.
Anyway, then M left and I started to panic a little. C started to make her intentions very clear and was flirting very openly. We talked for a bit and I made fairly clear that nothing was going to happen, that it couldn't. We talked about her husband a little and what she felt was wrong with their marriage (she has apparently never recovered from an affair he had). Anyway, they rang last orders she drank up and we left. I dont know if I had previously offered or it had just been assumed but I ended up walking her home, it's close and it's on my way so it wasn't a big deal (although it kind of was I guess).
She talked more about how unfair it was and expressed her desire for me again pretty directly. When I told her AGAIN that nothing was going to happen she got a little petulant and eventually said she didn't think she could stay in touch with me at all. She didn't want to be friends, she wanted more and if she couldn't have it she couldn't be in touch. I said I thought that was a shame and that I wanted to be friends but I didn't argue with her. She then told me she had thought I was going to be the one to 'save' her from her terrible life. Man, with the savior complex I've shown in the past I don't know how I got out of this one.
So conversation became a little more stunted as we approached her road. She hugged me goodbye and things got awkward again. She wouldn't let go, was running her fingers through my hair and pressing against me. She was moving my had and trying very definitely to kiss me. I told her to stop and that she was going to make things even harder. She KEPT trying. Eventually I pulled away, turned around and walked.
I spent the rest of the evening aganosing over having got into this situation in the first place.
What did I think I was doing? Am I that naive? Or is there something a little crueller and more manipulative at work in my contact with her? Or did I really think we could be friends? What were my intentions in causing this upheaval? Did I cause it?
So this morning I got an email from her
hey
cant believe how much I drank and smoked lastnight think it was nerves. Anyway i really loved seeing you again you looked great. I felt like it was more yours and M's night though not how expected it to turn out. I dont feel it good for me to stay in touch its not fair on myself nor you I really cant just be friends I want more and thats not right I am just being honest. The comics were really good read them when I got in your drawings are amazing. Going to take the kids swimming later.
I read this as an attempt to draw me back in. Two reasons really. Firstly she talks about not speaking to me anymore then ends with the conversational bit about taking the kids swimming. Secondly the bit about it being mine and M's night is just screaming for me to tell her she's wrong. After consulting with a friend I decided that a terse response was better than none at all, so I sent back this,
Ok,
I think you're right. I don't think it would be a good idea for us to continue talking,
take care,
I wanted to say more, but it would give her the wrong impression and it seems like cutting this all off asap is the best option. I knew she would reply, but I didn't expect the response I got,
I decided that I am going to try and make a go of it with S been feeling really guilty lying to him lastnight so maybe its done some good us meeting up lastnight.
So did some good come of this? Is it because of anything I did or is it dumb luck?
I didn't respond. I think I wont.
I kinda think I've been lucky here, but I should not let things like this happen.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 15, 2006 6:46:37 GMT -5
I'm still sober in every way
Alcohol Free (since 18/07/06), Tobacco Free (since 19/07/06), Drug Free (01/07/06) and Porn Free (11/07/06)
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 15, 2006 10:16:16 GMT -5
So she emailed me again, I haven't replied to this one, I kinda think I shouldn't but it hurts me not to...
Robin I feel really sad that your not going to be part of my life anymore I am just very confused at the moment it would be nice for us still be friends if you dont reply I understand.
Her mind is changing so rapidly, I'm a little lost to be honest. I think I shouldn't respond, but I hate that I'm hurting her. I guess I should have thought about that before now. But I feel like I'm supposed to be mending this, I just dont know if I can...
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 15, 2006 18:28:16 GMT -5
So,
I'm feeling no pull toward porn.
I have to remind myself to be vigilant. I believe if I looked back on my old journal (frankly I'm a littel scared to do that just yet) I would find that the early days were fairly easy. I need to get past that bit to the latter days of the first hundred, that's where I fell before.
I'm still just trying to gather my thoughts so a lot of this is still verbal diarohea. But I was pretty close to making a real mess so some tidying is appropriate.
I'm calm tonight, peaceful and other than wishing I hadn't eaten what I did (I knew I would) I'm content. So I'll take an earlier night than I have done and maybe read a bit.
Day 6 begins here
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 16, 2006 5:38:24 GMT -5
I'm down today.
My life feels a sham. Trying to be productive. Work has slipped from my grasp so much recently and I've tenuously been given a more important position. I really need to make it work, but I just have no passion. I guess I question what the point is. I'm trying hard to get my artwork back together again too. I put my comic on haitus for a long while, but I've picked it back uo and done two weeks worth, tomorrow the third one should be done. I should be proud of that, but in this mood I take no pride in it. I even forced myself to put some sets together an send them to publishers today, but I took no joy in it.
I'm worried about the amount of time I spend on the internet. A lot of it is spent talking to a girl I met. We're friends now, but there was a cyber sex relationship there for a short while. I backed out of that when I realised ... well, that I needed to be here.
We still talk and she calls me her best friend and it scares me. I want friends I can meet really, not just talk to online. I have friends in my real life. Why don't I see them. Why do I choose to sit looking at a screen typing when I could be with actual people. It's scaring me a little. I dont know how to get out but I think I want to. It's not that I dont want to be friends with her, but I know I spend too much time talking with her. It's becoming habitual and I want a life again.
GAHHHHHHHH! Why did I walk away from this (expletive)ing place. I've (expletive)ed up in the months I was gone and now I'm in this (expletive)ing mess of a life.
I'm not lustful, but I attach myself to women at the slightest opportunity and create these strange little relationships. Let me be honest here and list them...
1. D - Met on message board, relationship started sexual till she learned I was 'here' then backed off, then when I abandoned here became much more sexual, then I returned, now we're friends, but I spend too much time talking to her on messenger. Also the reason I changed my username.
2. C - Married with children. An ex gf who contacted me by email and I engaged in some stupid and over the line flirting with. Met her and things came to a head. I backed off and have cut off contact with her.
3. S - My ex colleagues ex gf. Got in touch with her when he dumped her at the same time as E dumped me. Email contact is infrequent and nothing innapropriate.
4. Ca - In my original journal I wrote about the moment that lead to my breakup. My gf caught me masturbating over a girl I had known in the past. Well, I'm back in touch with her, random emails text messages, nothing sexual, but the unsolicited phot she sent me the other day scared the hell out of me (It was my searching for a photo of her way back when that broke my gfs heart).
5. M - A girl I met in London, shortly after my breakup. Touched me so much with her words. Really like no one I had ever met before in that she made me feel I wasn't crazy, that other people think the way I do. We send long and deep emails back and forth infrequently. I can't quite admit to myself how close to falling in love with this girl I am.
OK, four isn't quite as bad as I thought actually, still there are other less involved ones, like the ex I texted in the above post (L), my recent ex (E) whom still phones me to belittle me ever now and again and A a girl who I once dated and used to send texts to when I was drunk.
I guess I'm concerned that I do this. None of these are sexual relationships (with the exception of D, although as I said I'm distancing myself from that aspect), but I'm worried as to my reasons for pursuing them. I've done this all my life. Do I just get on better with women than men? Do I see these girls as friends? Or something else? and if something else, is that contributing to my problem?
It's clearly caused me a problem recently, with C. Is that a coincidence or is this damaging behavior that I should be addressing?
(expletive).
I suck today.
Day 6
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 17, 2006 16:40:02 GMT -5
So I reminded myself of something.
Recently a girl I met did something really terrible to me and I need to remember it.
I told her about my porn addiction and tried my best to explain it to her. I wasn't looking for any sympathy, just wanted her to understand who I was.
She was looking for a lot more from me than friendship however and when I told her about my problem she actually used it to try to entice me. She said "Yeah, but if you had a girlfriend who liked porn, like me, it wouldn't be a problem would it?".
This really hit me very hard. Unfortunately for her it did the opposite of what she intended. Not only did it turn me off her in a big way (it seemed such a manipulative tactic, especially for someone I had already said I wanted nothing to happen with), but it also reminded me that I wasn't here. Where I needed to be to recover or at the very least to address my issues.
Actually she's not the first girl to make that comment, previously it was done in a much less overtly sexual manor, more of a question, but I find it disheartening to the least that someone would go there.
It's like offering a loaded needle to a heroin addict. Maybe that's a little extreme, but it makes my point.
...............................................................................................................
Things are good today.
I made some effort to withdraw a little from the message boards I've been buried in at work and actually got something done. i spend too much time on the internet and a friends comments made me want to actually get out and live life instead of sitting in front of a computer screen. So, I worked, I was productive, I played squash, I killed (really, I only get a game from one of the three guys I play anymore), I went to the comic shop and gave out my new issue (so pleased to be back to regularly getting them out), hung around with my friends there for a bit and then came back.
Found a friend I was worrying over a little and caught up which was great, actually she reminded me why she was so important to me in the first place and helped me realise what must come next on here.
I have to add some disclosure about exactly how I fell, when I fell recently. I need to get it down and how it made me feel so I can be sure of that, because in the past I haven't been able to be honest about it and I need that back.
So, I'm going to think about it, then get it down here.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 18, 2006 16:56:19 GMT -5
OK,
I just detached a little from another one of my 'never gonna happens'.
It feels weird. I talk to her all the time, so my decision to get away from ym computer screen meant really obviously withdrawing from her. She noticed straight away so I had to tell her. "It felt like 'something'" and I guess it did.
I need to do this though. It's not me, being sat here every night with only someone on the other side of the world typing to me to keep me company. It just seems like that path gets lonelier and lonelier. So I'm gonna try and get away and back into a social life of some semblance.
I dont know how to, but I have to try. I'll keep checking in here, but I'm gonna try to post less on message boards, spend less time on MSN and generally get back to talking with friends and people who I can be with in a physical sense.
I still have some disclosure to come here.
Keep reminding me.
|
|
|
Post by unbreakable on Aug 20, 2006 9:03:30 GMT -5
So,
I feel driven to masturbate today. Not necessarily anything to do with porn, but the urge is certainly strong.
I have had a stressful day so far and it seems to be getting worse. I'm haunted by a certain trigger as well.
I'm not going to succumb, but I wanted to record this.
Haven't had time for that disclosure, but I must do it. Tonight maybe to reflect on a week gone by sober.
I'm still strong, still sober in every way (drink, drugs, tobacco, porn, masturbation) I will keep going. I WILL KEEP GOING!
|
|